Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Hart of Leslie

No, I did not spell heart incorrectly. 

"Hart" will make sense soon, I promise.

Remember when Google tried to take over my domain and keep me from writing?

Some of you might have encountered this captivating site for a few weeks when trying to hop on themommytherapy.


It's mostly my fault, but that's not important right now.  What's important is that shortly after I reclaimed my domain, I became sick.

***Moment of silence for Mom being sick.***

My stuffy, snotty head cold very conveniently coincided with the return of my domain ownership and a lot of emails from "Google Enterprise."  I'm not saying Google made me sick because they were so desperate to hold on to my domain, I'm just saying it's an interesting "coincidence." 

Very interesting.

(I realize the misspelling of "hart" still doesn't make sense.  Bear with me.)

During my time of illness I was forced to watch an obscene amount of Netflix.

Well, really I should have been working to call to book my January calendar for my business, but because Google gave me this head cold, my voice is all sorts of sexy raspy.  I would never want to be accused of sexually harassing people to make them invite people over for an Arbonne presentation for me. 

Unless you think that would work.  Wait...would that work?

Either way, the Netflix was flowing for at least four days.  As you would expect, I stuck strictly to very cool independent films and documentaries that educated, scared, and inspired me. 

That's a total lie. 

I may, or may not have chosen to watch the first two seasons of the giant CW hit, Hart of Dixie.

(Makes sense now, right?)

First, I realize that your immediate reaction is probably to pass judgment, but please remember I was in a severely depleted state.  I had a fever off and on and breathing was tough at times, proper oxygen to my brain was probably an issue. 

I never saw Hart of Dixie coming, so don't think it couldn't happen to you too. 

About a year ago I found myself flipping channels and landed on Hart of Dixie, most likely because I was interrupted while scrolling through my options.  I watched about 30 minutes of one show, I sent a text to a friend to confess, was forgiven, and immediately forgot that the entire situation occurred. 

Not this time.

I can't even explain how I ended up firing up the Netflix, selected this show, and started watching, but watch I did.  I stayed up past midnight to watch.  I watched on my iPhone when I felt I had to walk around the house and do things like cook or check in on my children. Stella watched one Dora after another Dora while I stayed in bed and tried to figure out what was going to happen with that zany Zoe Hart. 

If you have some taste and aren't familiar with the basic story of the show....Zoe Hart, played by the beloved Rachel Bilson from the The OC, is a young doctor who inherits a general practice in Bluebell, Alabama.

(Bluebell, unfortunately has nothing to do with the amazing ice cream we purchase here in Texas.)

She moves from NYC to this small town and struggles to fit in, find love, and navigate her way through the crazy shenanigans of these small Southern town folks.

It's like Sweet Home Alabama, but not as good.

If you don't know how Rachel Bilson is, find that out fast.  To say she's not the best actor is probably a giant understatement, but she is adorable. 

She also has excellent fashion sense and amazing eye makeup. What's not to like?

When the last of the 44, yes 44 episodes played, I literally found myself searching online for episodes from season 3, which is currently airing on The CW.  I felt so desperate to discover what had happened to the love story in this show I was reading blogs and websites devoted to giving spoilers. 

(This seems like a good time to point out that I am reading Pillars of The Earth by Ken Follet.  It's a very thick book.  Lots of words and thoughts and complex plots.)

While scrambling for Hart of Dixie information, I have also spent a lot of time wondering why I care about this show.  For obvious reasons I feel it's important to figure this out. 

Here is what I have determined. 

The show romanticizes a whole slew of things I also romanticize, and often think that if I could have them in my life....things would be magical. 

Small towns, where everyone knows everyone else, no one has a really high stress job, and the whole town is constantly working on festival, parade, or celebration of some sort which will inevitably have an important life lesson discovered immediately following the big shindig. 

Rachel Bilson is able to wear a see through shirt with a fancy bra and not look slutty off and on through the whole series.  How is that?  I know very few people that can pull that off, and I am definitely not one of them.  At least not while carting my kids around in my minivan. Maybe I need a new car?

The thing that speaks to most women...the love story where the emotionally unavailable man falls hard for one special lady.  There's a playboy bartender who is totally smitten for Zoe Hart and it is perfect. They fight and make up and he wants to be a better man for her and it's awesome. 

Cheesy? Yes 100%, but awesome.

There are also all sorts of country sayings through the whole thing.  Expressions like, "I'm as busy as a one-legged cat in a sandbox," or "slicker than pig snot on a radiator."  I mean, if I could talk like that for one day.  Fantastic.

Finally, I am determined to figure out Rachel Bilson's eye makeup. She can wear things like green eye liner and look 100% appropriate.  I need to uncover that secret.

I can't decide if I feel more pathetic for laying out all the facts or if I feel validated for watching 44 episodes of such a show.  Surely this isn't the lamest show I have ever devoted a portion of my life to, right?

What's your guilty show? 

Anyone else watching Hart of Dixie?

I'm going to spend my next illness watching Roots, or Woody Allen movies, or maybe a documentary on Nelson Mandela. 

Promise.





Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Detox: Day 15 Wednesday Wonderful

If you feel confused about the fact that day 15 on your detox tracker is a Tuesday, feel comfortable in knowing you are right.  Day 15 is totally a Tuesday, but I spent a lot of time today thinking it was Wednesday and about church. 

Now are you confused?

You should be....bear with me.

When I was growing up my church had something called Wednesday Wonderful.  It was a potluck dinner where everyone could gather and hang out and have fellowship.

Or, it's possible I just made that up and maybe that's something my current church does.  Or maybe it doesn't exist at all and Wednesday and Wonderful just sound good together and I should start a potluck dinner.  It's just so confusing.

I really feel like something in my youth was called Wednesday Wonderful so if this is a lie, it's totally done with the best of intentions.  I decided it would be a good idea to whip up a little Wednesday Wonderful list. 

A list of some things I currently find wonderful. 

Wonderful-ish.

Fine, just a couple things that are on my mind.

I haven't had Advil in two weeks.  TWO WEEKS.  The detox may be tough at times, but it is awesome to not be pumping my body with toxic painkillers. 

Now, you might not exactly consider Advil a toxic painkiller, but I am actually pretty wimpy with medication so Advil is about as intense as I can get.  After delivering each child I couldn't take the pain meds or I'd get loopy and pass out, much like after I had my wisdom teeth removed and couldn't function enough on the meds to eat a Frosty.

I know I talk a big meth game, but....big confession:  I would be a horrible drug user.

Try not to be disappointed in me.

I love getting this in the mail.


I have a discount code if you are interested.  Healthy, yummy snacks. 

Made my Wednesday/Tuesday that much better.

I've purchased a lot of Katy Perry lately.  I don't really know that this has to do with anything, but I have really wanted to confess that to someone because it feels wrong. I sort of fear that the government is keeping track of my iTunes account along with my phone calls and I'll be labeled as someone with poor choice in music. 

That Roar song really gets me going though.  I think I might even be a good singer when I sing along.

You think?

My daughter is an adorable ballerina in black, until she's throwing a fit about not being able to find the perfect pair of shoes.


This one has been full of tantrums for the smallest of reasons.  I'm quite over it, to say that least.

Around 1:30 today though Stella cried and screamed because her Uggs didn't fit her feet anymore, (which I totally get but can not condone,) and decided to go put herself down for a nap.

She slept for a glorious 2.5 hours.

I'm joining the social committee.  My neighborhood has a social committee made up of a few women that have been working this scene for a while and I was contacted to be new blood.  That sounds weird, but I am totally flattered. 

I feel as if I have been chosen.

I wonder if I get a t-shirt?  Or a shiny jacket?  Will this be like The Pink Ladies in Grease? 

Could I turn it in to that?

I know I've mentioned this before, but in case you are new here, I was the president of my junior class.  I'm used to being a part of the governing body of my people.  Oak Bluff clearly needs me and I am stepping up to the challenge. 

Quick brainstorming: Block party, wine tasting, adult scavenger hunts....I'm going to kill it at that meeting tomorrow night.  I will now be accepting suggestions from the crowd.

My search keywords for this blog frighten and amuse me.  I can review the words searched to find my blog and today's favorite is, "is everyone just stupid." 

That's just fantastic.

Other searches are mostly related to red testicles and peeing one's pants...of course.

Wednesday's Wonderful.

Or Tuesday.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Detox: Day Let's Talk About Something Else

The detox is fine. The detox is great, I feel really good.

Today I drank 32 oz of brown-ish liquid which didn't really taste bad at all and is supposed to push this cleanse thing to the next level. 

(Sidenote:  If you are interested in doing a cleanse but don't want 28 days, this 7 day option would be worth looking in to, especially when paired with some diet modification.  Message me.)

So things are great with the detox, now it's just life so I no longer feel the need to talk about it all the live long day.  Though, if you start talking about amazing food I might have to freak out on you, because I miss amazing food.  Right now I'm working with good food and I am OK with that, but I am VERY excited for some amazing food.

What else is going on you say? 

First, I don't mean to brag or anything, but I went to Target today and bought this.



That's it. 

I carried my three measly items in my HANDS to the checkout, paid $12, and left the store. 

Ballet tights (Stella's not mine,) Nutella snack (Stella's not mine you detox doubters,) and glitter heart barrettes (Stella's not mine because my hair dresser told me I'm not even allowed to wear bobby pins and she is totally in charge.)

I can't really explain how this occurred because we all know that Target has those secret fumes pumping through their stores to make all, Moms in particular, feel a genuine need for no less than $100 of random crap whenever entering their story.  I was reasonably confident some sort of alarm and confetti situation might happen when I left the store, or at least when my husband learned of this freakish trick I accomplished, but all I got were several positive affirmations of my strength and fortitude on Facebook...which is almost as rewarding.

I sort of feel like a better person.

I think I might be.

Second, I again do not want to brag about my awesome-ness, but Alex and I have discovered that we have poop on our shower curtains again.  That's right, shower curtains.  Also right, again.

I'm not sure where we've gone so wrong in our parenting, but we have yet again found smudges of what we can only determine is poop on the shower curtains in two of our bathrooms.  One restroom is used primarily by Stella and Cole, the other by Aiden. 

We are still involved in the wiping situation with Stella so that leads us to believe that both of our boys are incapable of wiping properly.  We can't even figure out exactly what they would be doing to cause this situation. 

(We have actually run through the possibilities but it just feels mean to list them here.  You are welcome.) 

We will be having a wiping tutoring session here Thursday at 5:00 PM. 

The session will be followed shortly after by a how-to-get-a-tissue session since we also have found a LOT of boogers on the wall next to certain small people's beds. 

What is wrong with my kids?

In other news I'll be sending Christmas cards this year. 

That might not impress a lot of you, but I have NEVER sent a Christmas card. I just can't ever seem to get it together to simultaneously have the photo, time, and/or funds to make this type of Mom magic happen.  It is going to happen this year though. 

Our photo will be taken Sunday afternoon and I have already spent no less than $400 on a variety of shirts/pants/dress combinations which already are stressing me out.  I do plan to return the rejects, but this process is tough. 

Currently we have a dark red/blue thing going on...and when I say that out loud I feel very insecure about my sense of style.  Am I totally going to blow this?

Next big decision:  location.  Barn, city, park, home (probably away from all shower curtains,) whimsical fun setting?  This is the type of stuff I can't handle people.  Our photographer is thankfully a friend here that is going to just have to take over all of my indecisions.

The only thing I am confident in is my ability to gather addresses.  I am on it people! I have a spreadsheet AND it's alphabetized.

If we could remove the poop on the shower curtain from this post I would feel like a definite winner in the Mom world.  We're going to figure that situation out though, I just know it. 

Tips anyone?  Anyone?



Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Detox: Day Ten...Beyond The Detox

Forget the detox.

Did you all see the trend I have started? 

Remember way back in June when I went from this....



to this....



Y'all....

(I'm from Indiana but I've lived in Texas for 13 years now so I say y'all a lot.)

Jennifer Lawrence AND Jennifer Aniston are apparently following me on Instagram and basing their decisions to chop off all their hair on MY HAIR!  My hair is even shorter now than it is in the photo above.

More like (sort of since this was a bad hair day) this....



Which is more like THIS....



As if it weren't difficult enough to tell the difference between Jennifer Lawrence/Katniss and myself. 

It's just difficult when I'm trying to be an individual.

I know there are all sorts of people doing the pixie cut right now, but I feel confident in saying that I am leading these women to hair perfection. Who wants to take a bet that all of Hollywood will soon be interested in an Arbonne detox? 

It's a good thing you guys know me now.  Congratulations.

You know what else will probably soon be on the Yahoo homepage?




First tooth LOST!

Cole was elated to finally be part of the "loosing baby teeth" group. 

Geez, he is so cute when his just being himself and not fake brushing his teeth and lying about it or crying about video games.  So fun to watch his excitement.

Remember not too long ago when my parents mailed me this box of all my baby teeth?



I feel inspired to start putting all my kids teeth in a little box so I can creep them out in thirty years and have them delivered to their doors too.  It just seems like good parenting.

OK, since you are dying to know the latest detox news.

I feel good!

I am definitely still sick of the food limitations and I would probably stab someone for a Starbucks....a really yummy Malbec, but I feel good.

(I might not stab anyone, but it sounds really, really good to me right now.)

(It doesn't sound good to stab anyone.  Starbucks and a Malbec sound really good.)

Back to feeling good...

Still no headaches since the first few days.  That's a HUGE deal.  I chronically have headaches so to not have one for multiple days, especially since it has been raining here which is often a trigger for me, is amazing.

I am permanently converted to a protein shake for breakfast.  I am full for hours and feel so much better than my normal handful of granola or English muffin.

Even Stella loves the protein shake. Makes it with me and drinks one for breakfast every morning too!




18 more days. 

18.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Detox: Day Eight and Nine

What's that you say?

You're over talking about my detox? You don't want 28 days of detox blogs? 

Too bad.

If I can't have normal food, you can't have normal blogs.

(Please do not leave me.  I obviously care about your needs, I'm just unable to focus past my lack of sugar so I'm feeling a bit selfish.)

Remember when all I used to talk about was meth?

Those were the days.  If you missed out read this or this or this.

You know what meth users like? 

Sugar.

I couldn't even use meth on this detox if I needed to because I'd probably need to go drink a 2 liter of Mellow Yellow...if that's even still something that I can purchase, does it still exist? 

Crap, I bet it's not even made anymore.

There is no end to the list of things I can not consume right now.

I've started to make up rewards for myself. Mostly I'm relating them to my Arbonne business because I'm trying to push in that right now so I can take Alex on a free trip next year. I have all sorts of crazy goals.  I have a huge goal where I can eat a scone. 

A scone people.

I have never worked so hard to get a scone.  Call me if you want to help me eat a scone. 

I might weep.

I have to report that I'm feeling fine though.  Dare I say....I feel good.  I have more energy and I haven't had a headache in over a week, which is a BIG thing for me.

I even took a barre class today. 

That's right, I'm essentially a ballerina and forgot to tell you all.  In my class I feel like I'm in the movie Save The Last Dance, which you can't even pretend to have not seen. 

Julia Stiles and Sean Patrick Thomas dance their way to love and I think better schools.  It really pulls on the heart strings.

I'd be the Julia Stiles character since she was the ballet dancer turned hip hop dancer, just to be clear. 

Also to be clear, there is not love story in the barre class, just me and a handful of fun ladies wishing cocktails were served in the ballet studio.  Or maybe Mellow Yellow.

How did this even get so far off track? 

This wouldn't happen if I were drinking Mellow Yellow right now.

So I feel good...but that doesn't mean I feel 100% at peace about my restrictions.

I still find myself letting my mind wander to all the things I can't have and forming strategies in my head about how I could cheat....but I haven't.  I haven't been strict with myself because I really want to maintain my detox, but more because I feel so lame about the lengths I feel I have to go to for no one to know.

Last night I actually took out the box of raisin bran AND a bowl  because it sounded so good at 10:00 when I got home from my meeting.   I think I would have eaten it too, but Alex was up and I didn't feel like rationalizing why I was cheating. 

Let me be clear, Alex could not care less whether I cheat or not, but it feels more real to me if I have to explain to someone that I'm deciding to cheat.  Especially when I am making that someone eat dinners like this in the name of detox life.

Asparagus, roasted brussel sprouts, and quinoa with spinach.

There wasn't a bit of complaint from him, but I think he might be OK if I threw in the towel and could get a little more wild with our meals...like a little cheese or gluten here and there.

Last week I took a rare trip to the grocery store with just Aiden.  Aiden asks questions about EVERYTHING and listens to every word you say, regardless of whether you meant it for him or not. As we were strolling past the wine section I mumbled something under my breath about not being able to get wine....which now means Aiden is all over pointing out that I can't have a glass of wine.

Tonight, I actually found myself contemplating pouring some Chardonnay in a blue plastic cup so Aiden wouldn't suspect that I was cheating.  Sad you say?  Yes, yes it is. 

I was trying to hide wine consumption from my eight year old. 

Maybe that should just be avoided?

19 more days folks.  19.






Sunday, November 3, 2013

Detox: Day Five - Seven...Things Get Psychological

How's the detox going you say? 

Excellent, wonderful, fantastic. 

Oh, and I cheated.

DO NOT FREAK OUT. 

Let me explain.

Friday I felt sick again.  Not really sick, just very exhausted and I had serious cravings.  I wanted essentially everything on the list to eliminate.  I would have drank a bottle of vinegar for the sheer joy of knowing it's something I am not supposed to have.

(To be clear, I haven't missed vinegar at all.  I'm totally cool without vinegar.)

Friday was like a repeat of day two, but I think it was mostly psychological. 

I realized I desperately wanted to enjoy a Starbucks tea latte and a scone for the simple pleasure of enjoying a treat for me.   It tastes good, it's warm and cozy, and it's something I often get by myself...and I love it.

My friend Misti came over and told me how hard core she is when she does cleanses and for about the millionth time, she told me that by day 7 or so I wouldn't even want any of the things I used to relish, like sugary scones.  (I think Misti might be a big liar about that, but I do keep hearing that after the first week you feel amazing and the cravings decrease.)  She encouraged me to stay strong and never, ever cheat.

But Friday night was a rough night with the boys and by the time they were in bed I was physically incapable of not pouring a glass of wine.  I would be a horrible recovering drug addict because I rationalized that pour and felt confident in it. 

Then I took a sip and it just didn't taste worth it.  So I dumped out my glass of wine.

I would like to repeat, I DUMPED OUT MY GLASS OF WINE.

If it seems as though I am shouting at you, I am.  I can't believe I did that, but it didn't seem delicious enough to break all the work I had done to get to that day five. 

It's OK to think of me as an amazingly strong, determined woman of power right now.  I was.

And to be clear...that was not the cheating.

Saturday morning was a great day, we went on a family hike and were absolutely the most adorable we have ever been as a group of five as we unpacked snacks of pumpkin seeds, apples, and pistachios on rocks next to an isolated creek in the greenbelt, totally unaware of where we were.  We could have been part of  a commercial for something that helps you go have fun with your family and be happy, like Prozac or Chardonnay. 



I didn't crave anything.

Then suddenly we were invited out by one of Alex's friends to a new bar in our town.

(Sidebar plug for the bar Brass Tap in Round Rock, TX...awesome, classy, and cool.)

We found a sitter and by 8 pm Alex and I found ourselves showered, kid-less, and out of our house for the first time in over a month. We haven't been alone in ages.  I was at my cousin's wedding, then he was off shooting innocent animals, then he was at work and things just have not worked out for us to hang.

It was nice to see him again. 



If you have been reading for any amount of time you know I have a MAJOR crush on my husband.  Things aren't perfect of course, but geez I get giddy sometimes that he's mine. It was fun to be out with him again.

And that's when it happened....

I had....

a BEER.

I did consult my list of 'eat this not that' and couldn't find the word BEER explicitly forbidden, but some people consider beer to be in the category of alcohol so I guess I cheated.

I really debated mentioning it, I mean there are only about five people in the world that know of this detox betrayal, but I am a pretty awful liar so I decided to fess up.

You know...it was delicious. 

Alex and I sat in big overstuffed chairs and talked and drank our beer and I don't regret it one bit. 

I drank club soda and lime the rest of the night, which for all I know could be off limits too, but I think that was OK.  Though I didn't feel guilty, I was pretty convinced that I was going to feel like crap this morning and the cravings would be worse than ever. Surely that beer unraveled all my hard work.

Day seven though...I felt awesome.

I don't recommend cheating, but I don't recommend thinking the world is going to crash down around if something happens. I think staying strong the first week is extra important to get past the really hard part, which is not that long. 

Yes, I realize I cheated within the first week.  Do as I say, not as I do.

I haven't cheated at all today, even preparing delicious oatmeal for the family and watching them eat it while drinking my equally delicious shake. 

I feel great.

Day 8 is surely to be even better.

************************************************

If any of you are interested in attending a VERY fun shopping day of vendors at my home this month, email me and I will let you know the details. 

If you sell something and would like to be included, email me about that too.

If you want to be my best friend, email me and I'll tell you how we can make that happen....regardless of where you live.

themommytherapy at gmail dot com

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Detox: Day Four


 
Seriously people?
 
 
Thinking about cheating.
 
 
Not cheating.
 
 
Really think I'm not cheating.
 
 
Went to the bag again, wanted to cheat.
 
 
Couldn't find something worth cheating.
 
 
Detox tea and bed.
 
 
Detox tea and bed.
 
 
I think.
 
 
Not cheating.