Monday, May 1, 2017

Peace

I've written approximately 100 intro paragraphs over the last few months since my last post.

I could not write any more about my struggle to find my new role or purpose.

I was annoying me with those posts, I can only imagine how much fun it was to read.

Zero fun.

My need for something more to say was strong and everything I typed fell short of my expectations for my new badass self.

To be honest, I only made it to page 201 of the 244 pages in the "You Are A Badass" book.

I'm like 3/4 a badass.

To be even more honest, it has taken me so long to read it that I should probably start over because I don't really remember the beginning and that seems important.

I think it was about perceptions?  Or childhood? Or something else?

To be totally honest, starting over is not going to happen.

I'll just call myself 1/4 badass.  That seems like enough right now.

I have been writing about and talking about searching for what I want to do, what I want to be, for months now.

I've been stressed about my destination, my new goal.

I have been beyond restless.

I've bought new domains and talked to friends about new blogs, decorating, websites, vlogs, social media presence, speaking, book writing, baby food delivery, (don't get me started on that one,) and any number of other amazing roles.

All this struggle and somewhere in the last two or three weeks I've made a very big decision.

I'm going to be...a Badass Mom/Wife/Woman.

Somewhere along the way of feeling like what I was doing wasn't enough, my current roles rose up and met my needs.  My strong desire for purpose, for more purpose, has been filled.

For now.

As is often the case, my prayers for direction and wisdom have been met, but not in the way I thought they would be.

I've settled into a very comfortable, very wonderful rhythm with life right now.

I have found so much gratitude for the amazing opportunities that I have.

Let me list some of these opportunities.

I have been to the grocery store four out of the last five days.

This sounds like I am going to be sarcastic, but that's just how life has been rolling.  You could call it poor planning, lack of foresight, or straight up disorganization, but I have had to repeatedly go back to the store.

Guess what, no problem.  This absolutely does not stress me out and that feels great.

I am all caught up on laundry.

Fine, I'm as caught up as is ever going to happen with 6 people's laundry.  The big signal of success is that no one has expressed their concern over the lack of clean underwear while getting dressed recently.

#winning

I regularly exercise five times a week.

I took 45 minutes, from 3:30-4:15, to talk to one of my kids last week because they really needed to talk some things through.  I had no where else to be, no urgent to do list that was freaking me out by constantly looming.

I do not want to be frantic anymore.

Well, any more frantic than is normal with four young  kids.

There is much, much joy for me in not having it all right now.

I know. You are waiting for the punchline.

Where is my sarcastic takeaway?

It's not here.

I'm really sorry.

I seriously sat across from my friend Judy a few weeks ago and declared that the biggest desire of my heart right now is to just do the mom thing, the wife thing, the friend thing, the me thing.

It was so liberating to acknowledge that and own it.

I know this will change, but right now I feel good.

Four kids bring a lot of tasks and moments and needs into my life. I've finally figured out how to give to myself, and then in turn give to them, and it feels good.

I'm still dreaming of a new blog or a book or a website with amazing wisdom for women.  I still think that will come when it's time.

My struggle about it all is very much done though...and I just wanted to share the peace.





2 comments:

Lynda Halliger Otvos (Lynda M O) said...

Good for you; i applaud and support your decisions. More time with the kids is the dream of every mom (or lots-not every) and so many of us struggle to make that happen. You have found a way to do it. YAY !~!

Enjoy and do keep us posted; maybe a picture of the kids once in a blue moon. I love to see their faces.

Mel said...

That's wonderful news.