Thursday, May 11, 2017

Nevermind, I'm Going To Take Photos!

Can we collectively agree that May is straight up bananas?

The only time period that rivals the insanity of May is the end of November through Christmas. 

And honestly, during that time we're at least likely to receive a present at the end of it.  It might be a random ring from Walmart selected by your five year old, but it's a gift all the same.

Even with my all new zen attitude about loving my life, I'm getting a wee bit twitchy as I try to cram in birthday/graduation/wedding/moving parties, on top of teacher appreciation-ing/conferencing, layered with the end of spring season recitals/award nights/playoffs.

Is it wrong to pray for your child's team to lose so you don't have to work another game in to the schedule?

If so, shame on those of you who are NOT me because I am definitely praying for all the wins all the time.  

I can't be the only one feeling like this?

I was so grateful for the love on my last post. I never knew people would be so excited to hear that I'm going to just keep being what I am.  

Your enthusiasm for my lack of ambition fuels my peace, and I am super grateful. 

(Yes, I do realize it isn't lack of ambition that is keeping me from actively pursuing a new role or job or life goal to reach for right now.  My sarcasm came back.)

I did want to clarify a few things though.  

My post sparked all sorts of conversations for me with a lot of my friends.  Mostly people were simply grateful I would just stop talking about finding my role, but a lot of people were envious of my peace and wondering how I achieved it. 

The answer is super easy.  

I wrestled with things in my mind for a bit, I read via social media about cool things my friends were doing with envy, I tried to start a few things in secret, and I evaluated my current happiness level with fluctuating joy or dissatisfaction for a few months.  

Basically I used the scientific process.

Or something loosely or nothing like the scientific process.

I have zero answers.  

Deep, I know.

I do know this, most of my friends have pretty kick ass lives like I do.  We all have varying amounts of stress and exhaustion and strife, but overall things are insanely fantastic...we just have to choose to see it that way.  

We also have to be honest.  

Ladies, the honest need is strong. 

I can not tell you how many women in particular I speak to who continually accept tasks they don't want,  join groups they don't want to be a part of, agree to purchase things out of obligation, or fester over what he/she did to her/them/him and it was no good.

Stop.

My peace about my place is life came mostly from a place of gratitude and honesty.  

It's nice honesty, but I am not doing anything out of obligation these days, other than the obvious of feeding my family/doctors visits/helping when I can/etc, there just isn't enough room for that right now.  

I did make room for 15 minutes of running free on the playground for Cole and Max yesterday after Cole's teacher conference.  We really should have rushed a little to pick Aiden and Stella from piano, but Max's joy looking at Cole running around that empty field was everything I am trying to embrace lately. 

You can see the amazing photo I took of their time together below.  I think it really captures all the feels.  

From a really, really, far distance. 

They are to the right of that bench.



I do want you to feel comforted by the fact that I took that photo and then laughed out loud at the absurdity of me even attempting to take this picture.  

Maybe I should be a photographer?

Life is bananas in May, but it's crazy good. 



Monday, May 1, 2017

Peace

I've written approximately 100 intro paragraphs over the last few months since my last post.

I could not write any more about my struggle to find my new role or purpose.

I was annoying me with those posts, I can only imagine how much fun it was to read.

Zero fun.

My need for something more to say was strong and everything I typed fell short of my expectations for my new badass self.

To be honest, I only made it to page 201 of the 244 pages in the "You Are A Badass" book.

I'm like 3/4 a badass.

To be even more honest, it has taken me so long to read it that I should probably start over because I don't really remember the beginning and that seems important.

I think it was about perceptions?  Or childhood? Or something else?

To be totally honest, starting over is not going to happen.

I'll just call myself 1/4 badass.  That seems like enough right now.

I have been writing about and talking about searching for what I want to do, what I want to be, for months now.

I've been stressed about my destination, my new goal.

I have been beyond restless.

I've bought new domains and talked to friends about new blogs, decorating, websites, vlogs, social media presence, speaking, book writing, baby food delivery, (don't get me started on that one,) and any number of other amazing roles.

All this struggle and somewhere in the last two or three weeks I've made a very big decision.

I'm going to be...a Badass Mom/Wife/Woman.

Somewhere along the way of feeling like what I was doing wasn't enough, my current roles rose up and met my needs.  My strong desire for purpose, for more purpose, has been filled.

For now.

As is often the case, my prayers for direction and wisdom have been met, but not in the way I thought they would be.

I've settled into a very comfortable, very wonderful rhythm with life right now.

I have found so much gratitude for the amazing opportunities that I have.

Let me list some of these opportunities.

I have been to the grocery store four out of the last five days.

This sounds like I am going to be sarcastic, but that's just how life has been rolling.  You could call it poor planning, lack of foresight, or straight up disorganization, but I have had to repeatedly go back to the store.

Guess what, no problem.  This absolutely does not stress me out and that feels great.

I am all caught up on laundry.

Fine, I'm as caught up as is ever going to happen with 6 people's laundry.  The big signal of success is that no one has expressed their concern over the lack of clean underwear while getting dressed recently.

#winning

I regularly exercise five times a week.

I took 45 minutes, from 3:30-4:15, to talk to one of my kids last week because they really needed to talk some things through.  I had no where else to be, no urgent to do list that was freaking me out by constantly looming.

I do not want to be frantic anymore.

Well, any more frantic than is normal with four young  kids.

There is much, much joy for me in not having it all right now.

I know. You are waiting for the punchline.

Where is my sarcastic takeaway?

It's not here.

I'm really sorry.

I seriously sat across from my friend Judy a few weeks ago and declared that the biggest desire of my heart right now is to just do the mom thing, the wife thing, the friend thing, the me thing.

It was so liberating to acknowledge that and own it.

I know this will change, but right now I feel good.

Four kids bring a lot of tasks and moments and needs into my life. I've finally figured out how to give to myself, and then in turn give to them, and it feels good.

I'm still dreaming of a new blog or a book or a website with amazing wisdom for women.  I still think that will come when it's time.

My struggle about it all is very much done though...and I just wanted to share the peace.