Tuesday, January 5, 2016

BIG Dreams For 2016

It's been a while since I posted that I had that fourth baby.

I've been busy.

I know, I know, we're all busy.

I know...we aren't supposed to say we are busy because there was that article on Facebook that told us it's a pathetic badge of honor we are all wearing or something.

But, I've been busy.

I have a lot of friends who are busy volunteering in the classroom or orchestrating wonderful life group happenings for church or building amazing businesses, but I'm not busy like that.

I'm busy watching things like this.


I literally sat on my floor yesterday and watched Max crawl in and out of these table leaves, (which I never put back in the hall closet because I accomplish NOTHING unless it is crying at me or helps me sleep,) for a solid thirty minutes.  That's a really long time.  This video is less than 20 seconds.

I sat in the yard for at least an hour over the course of the day yesterday watching Max pick grass or try to hit the tetherball or pick flowers.

Side Note: I also am ALL caught up on Facebook because I can do that while watching Max.  Yay for all of you with that single "word for the year" and those of you who are tearing through How to Make a Murderer and went on fun holiday trips! I see your accomplishments while I watch my baby.

Watching Max is "my thing."

Sometimes I'm not very good at "my thing."

He might be prone to chew on beer bottles in the recycle bin.

And open drawers of bread and help himself.



I am comfortable with my current performance level at "my thing."

The five year gap between Stella and Max was a long space in which I forgot how painfully boring, yet all consuming, watching a baby can be.  There's a lot of physical work involved in keeping this guy alive and well.  (Fine, well-ish.)

There's all that feeding, diapering, wiping of hands/mouths/floor/shirts/feet, lifting, protecting, pushing, bathing....it's quite a process every day.  When I'm not doing the physical side of things, I'm doing the watching. It takes every bit of my time and energy and I think I sort of forgot how this whole stage goes down.

It's not my favorite stage.  It goes against all the enthusiasm I have for myself as a separate entity from my role as Mom or wife.

(Two of my three favorite roles, but I also really love the being Leslie role.)

Max is insanely cute, potentially off the charts, but he totally has jacked up my sense of self...along with a whole slew of other things that I can't go in to right now.

Worth it?

Of course.

Painful?

Absolutely.

This too shall pass?

Shut up.  (I've been here before, those words aren't helpful.)

In the interest of the whole New-Year-fresh-start idea I made a simple list of things I wanted to focus on in 2016.  I have a tendency to wallow in my frustrations (no commentary needed here,) particularly when I don't write them out....please note my last post was ELEVEN months ago, so I figured a plan of action would make me feel better.  I was going to take back control.

My list is as follows:

1. Organize House
2. Go on Walks
3. Write

I was pretty proud of this list, viewing it as reasonable and yet productive.  Unfortunately, I also was carrying around guilt about all I was ignoring.

My business, my relationships, my other roles, and a little bit of my long term dreams were all left out and I desperately wanted to try to figure out a way to sort of squeeze them in....until a friend pointed out to me that it speaks volumes about my current stage in life for one of my top three ambitions to be "go for a walk."

Sigh.

The context of this conversation was encouraging and kind so no need to think this friend was belittling my "ambition." She was right.  This is where I am.

I am all consumed with watching a little person grow right now and there isn't a lot left for me. I'm fighting for more, I'm fighting for that walk, and this blog post, and my organized closets (coming January 27th,) but I could use a little acceptance for myself.

So, here it is, my GIANT dream for my life in 2016....go on a walk.

Five days in to the year I have done this exactly ONE time.

It's going to be an amazing year.


P.S.  I still have those other three kids. They are fantastically older and becoming the most delightful people...I must have done an amazing job watching them when it was "my thing."




3 comments:

sboone said...

Yeah!!! I am so happy to hear from you. It made my day and I about to send it onto several friends who love your writing. :)

Suzanne said...

Always know I will laugh, smile and feel connected to you when you blog. Thanks for being a great "break" for me today. You are my me time.

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

When we have children we are busy, just saying.

Busy is good though, and we loved children, ok we love our own children and not just anyone's children because that would just be weird.