Thursday, October 31, 2013

Detox: Day Four


 
Seriously people?
 
 
Thinking about cheating.
 
 
Not cheating.
 
 
Really think I'm not cheating.
 
 
Went to the bag again, wanted to cheat.
 
 
Couldn't find something worth cheating.
 
 
Detox tea and bed.
 
 
Detox tea and bed.
 
 
I think.
 
 
Not cheating.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Detox: Day Three

I almost didn't write tonight.  I had a slammed day of errands, birthday party, Martial Arts, and soccer practice.  Now Alex and I have two Sons of Anarchy episodes to watch. 

You can see what a serious and stressful life I have.

After my, dare I say dramatic, blog post yesterday about my detox I didn't feel like I could leave you hanging.  I assume most of you are now assuming I spent a good portion of today weeping about my lack of fun food, possibly even turning to drugs....or gluten.

I did not.

Today I felt good.  I would almost say normal.  Almost.

I had my tired moments, but nothing too rough to push through.  I drank a chocolate peppermint protein shake for breakfast, turkey chili for lunch, and a random assortment of things for dinner (all detox approved.) 

My only moment of torture was while I was distributing pizza at my neighbor's daughter's birthday party.  It was rough to see that pizza and not even be able to eat my the leftovers from my kids.  I REALLY wanted a piece of that pizza.

But then Cole kicked me with his skate because I wouldn't untie his shoe instead of Stella's, Stella wanted me to pour her more punch, Aiden wanted to know if he could eat his 10th lollipop, and I had to pee.  Sometimes not eating pizza is just not my biggest issue.

This detox is not lasting forever, 28 days is not that long.

It isn't like I hate the food I'm eating, I just can't have a lot of things that I enjoy. 

I am back to keeping my eye on the prize.  I really want to see if I can get all the toxins out of my body, see how I feel.  I'm fascinated by this process and genuinely curious about seeing how I feel.

25 more days?  No problem.

Though I must say....there is a serious thunderstorm raging right now and a glass of wine and some chocolate sound AMAZING. 

Staying strong.

I'm going to leave you with a photo of back when I could have dairy, gluten, AND sugar.  

Milk and cinnamon roll.


Amen.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Detox: Day Two...going on 3,829

This morning I felt like I was dying.

Not to be dramatic or anything...but DYING.

I huddled up in a big chair in my sunroom, sweating, feeling faint, and trying to talk myself out of this stupid detox.  I almost shot a brief video on my iPhone which I am fairly certain would have mirrored when one of the people spoke during The Blair Witch Project.

Remember how creepy that movie was? 

That is how creepy I felt.  I think all this lack of gluten is poisoning me. 

I think I might have even stacked some rocks in strange tower formations, it's difficult to remember my actions.

(Does everyone remember that movie?  Am I old for mentioning this film?  Should I be referencing something cooler that I don't even know about because I don't have time or energy to keep up with that stuff anymore?)

(Sidenote:  I just saw Will Smith's son is dating the youngest Kardashian girl and it sort of shocked me.  I have no valid explanation for feeling shocked that the Fresh Prince has a son old enough to date.  I also have no valid explanation for feeling that Will Smith's son should look less like a punk.  I mean, he had on two different shoes and that REALLY, REALLY bothers me.)

(Extra sidenote:  I think my having ANY emotion about Jaden Smith, or even remembering that his name is Jaden Smith, should speak to my weakened state.)

Most likely the lack of sugar is the true silent killer for me.  Dear Lord I love sugar. I think I would have given away my husband for a Starbucks chai tea latte and a pumpkin scone today.  I mean, Alex is cute, but I was without him for 10 days and even though it wasn't spectacular, I survived. 

The detox is KILLING ME.

My friend Keri said I was being dramatic when I relayed that I was crying in the cheese section of Natural Grocer today....but it was sad.  It was really sad.  I had just come from a lovely Noonday trunk show where people were eating adorable little bundt cakes and chips and I wanted some cheese. 

I ate two grape tomatoes at the party.

I ATE TWO GRAPE TOMATOES!!!!!!!!!

It was not fun. 

It was fun to see my friend.


But in my sugar deprived state I was forced to make a purchase.  I really didn't even have a choice. You know when you're drunk and make poor choices? 

(Mom and Dad, I have only been drunk once as a rite of passage during my youth, and I just said silly things, threw up and went to sleep.  I have to pretend to have made poor drunk choices in order to relate to all my boozer readers. Swear I never passed out on a bus in Cancun.  Swear.)

My purchasing of this beautiful bracelet is a lot like making a bad drunk decision.

 

Isn't it fun?  Don't worry Alex, it will be worth the money.

I plan to wear it every day. 

For the rest of my life.

Now it's a steal, right? 

Unless the detox does in fact kill me.

On top of my detox issues, Cole refused to go to school today.  Are you thinking, oh something must be bothering him.  Or, he must not feel well. 

No, he just wouldn't go. 

Do you understand the emotional toll it takes on a Mom when she has to physically wrestle a child in to the minivan, drive them to school, and then they just flat out refuse to go inside? 

It sucks.  It really, really sucks.

I would have gone inside for help to get him out, but I was crying by this point and I honestly was just a little overly defeated between the detox and the obstinate child and some other frustrations in life. 

I did what  any well educated, caring parent trying to serve as a good example for their children would do....I gave up.

I can't take on major behavior issues without the assistance of sugar, bread, Starbucks, and wine. 

My children are basically in charge until I am past this "killing me slowly slump" that everyone claims is normal and will pass.  I am not 100% positive that things will turn around like I'm told, but I'm not giving up now that I've started. 

The kids can take over, run wild, start their own toxic habits, which hopefully will force them to embark on some detox much like this one someday and they will experience the first few days of hell and all will be right in the world.

Right?


Monday, October 28, 2013

Detox: Day One

As I mentioned in my previous post, I started a 28 day detox diet today.

Ever since I posted, have been flooded with questions about what type of detox this is, where people can get more information, and an overwhelming desire to participate with me.

(Please read the above sentence for it's hidden meaning, which is "one person emailed me to say that is sounds awful, but it might be fun to watch my pain from afar.") 

I feel it's important to give you all the facts though so you know what I'm doing. 

Well, some of the facts. 

All of the facts would be sort of boring and I haven't eaten sugar all day so I have a lot of pent up babble to get out because I love sugar....or I might fall asleep.  I don't even know anymore. 

As I also mentioned in my previous post, I started an Arbonne business in July and it has been awesome.  I have been focusing on the skincare side of things, but there is a whole wellness side that I don't usually explore except to talk about my deep, deep love of the vegan protein shakes.

The 28 day detox is something I'd heard about off and on for the last year through Arbonne friends so I decided I should try it.  I get headaches quite often, like almost daily, and I feel like I am often tired.  I heard that after this detox everyone feels more energetic, and just better overall.

So in a nutshell:  In a mere 27 days I will be the most amazing person EVER. 

No exaggeration.

Basically I can't have gluten, sugar, dairy, most fruits except for green apples, berries, lemons and limes.  I need to eat organic, no caffeine, no JOY.

Kidding, sort of.

It really isn't that bad.  Today I genuinely didn't feel restricted until this evening when I started to prep dinner.  Every day, I think about that moment when I can start cooking dinner and pour my glass of wine.  I look forward to that drink. I love it. LOVE it.

Oh, did I mentioned I CAN'T DRINK ALCOHOL ON THIS DAMN DETOX!!!!

I did a quick scan through my phone and along with adorable photos of my kids, there is another frequently featured subject of my pictures.






 


 
 
It's possible that based on this collection of photos I could have a drinking problem.
 
It's also possible that my use of ice cubes in my chardonnay is AWESOME and very classy, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
 
I am not able to even have one glass of wine during the evening time....and that sort of blows.
 
Breakfast I had a protein shake and some detox tea...perfect.
 
Snack I had a green apple.
 
Lunch I had brown rice, beans, tomatoes, and avocado....delicious.
 
Snack I had a fizz stick (b vitamin energy drink of sorts, Arbonne approved.)
 
Dinner I had NO FREAKIN' WINE, roasted chicken, asparagus, cauliflower, and some raspberries. 
 
Now I really want a chocolate caramel macadamia nut cluster. I really, really do.
 
But I'm not going to give in.  I am determined to see if I can feel differently after doing this detox for the full 28 days.  I am excited about the challenge, but very, very angry about the alcohol thing right now.
 
You know what I can have right now? 
 
More detox tea.
 
Without honey.
 
I know what you're thinking, "Leslie, that sounds amazing, why are you complaining?" 
 
Off  to fix my hot water...I'll report in tomorrow.


Saturday, October 26, 2013

Let's Catch Up

Alex finally came home!  After nine long days and  nights away he finally returned last night.

Then he left again today.

Thankfully this time he didn't leave for another extraordinarily long boys hunting trip where he looks a bit like a serial killer in all the photos.  Today he left for cub scout camping with the boys because he's a really good dad, and I bet he barely resembles a serial killer in any photos from this trip....well maybe after he spends the night in a tent with Aiden and Cole.

As happy as I am about the good dad stuff, I must admit I'm feeling a bit neglected.

I am used to sharing my nightly babble with Alex and while he was walking around with the elk and climbing mountains, probably singing most of the Sound of Music soundtrack, he couldn't chat.

He needs to know that I feel like I really could have been a dancer when I am in my barre class in first position while listening to Kanye West.

I started reading Pillars of the Earth and I can't decide if I like it or not yet.

I haven't had a chance to talk to him about how I decided I MUST giveaway my favorite pair of jeans which no longer fit me and that I don't have a single pair of black shoes that I like. 

HOW IS HE EXISTING WITHOUT THIS INFORMATION?!?!?!?

I bet Alex doesn't even know I'm wearing natural deodorant yet.  He probably was wondering why I started smelling during the brief hours we were around one another before he departed again.  

Now I bet you feel totally confused. I hadn't even bothered to tell all of you that I'm using natural deodorant unless you are friends with me on Facebook and have been my multiple posts about this subject...in which case you probably are sort of annoyed that I'm even mentioning it again.

Do you feel like you are reading the words of a stranger? 

Time to play catch up. Let's hit the highlights from my time away from here....

We went to Disney.  It was a hot, sweaty five days of joy and exhaustion.  We went with my whole family so Grandma and Tractor were in the mix so you know it was a blast. 

These kids were HAPPY. 


And their parents thought it was pretty fantastic as well.


We did a LOT of this at home.



I started an Arbonne business.  I thought I had such a good deal with my previous business, but there is just no comparing.  The current income, the potential, the support, the products.  I NEVER thought I would be doing this, but it's been a surprisingly perfect fit.

We drove in the minivan to Indiana as we always do...but this time we stopped in Missouri to visit Nanny and frolic with farm animals.



The boys did the majority of the frolicking. I mainly watched and played on my phone., but loved admiring from afar.

I got to see my kids run around my childhood home with my parents and my heart was so very full.


I got to see my girls and feel the love of my favorite people.


For some reason I do not have any photos with Julie and Sara from that trip...but almost all my girls came to see me in September...


Love these ladies.  Seriously love.


When we came home from Indiana, suddenly the boys were heading to school....on the bus, and I had free time again. Free time happens to come with a heaping serving of sanity.

I like sanity.


And Stella discovered ballet classes and has basically not stopped singing and dancing since we purchased her tap and ballet shoes at Payless...where she performed for twenty minutes straight for strangers and then bowed when they clapped.

See post performance photo below.

 
First class was pure bliss.
 
 
It's awesome.
 
 
You know what I'm trying to think of as awesome?  Our new dog.  Yep, I have two dogs now.
 
Two dogs, both less than 10 pounds, both pee when excited, and this new one thinks the dining table is cozy for naps and such.
 
 
Oh and his name is Chuckles.  We didn't name him, and Alex is furiously trying to change his name to Chuck, but no one is buying it.
 
Everyone will be happy to know that I am starting a clean eating detox Monday morning.  It's a 28 day detox boot camp. where you eliminate certain foods, focus on others, and eat real food. 
 
I realize you probably aren't overly concerned with my eating habits, but I can only imagine the commentary I will have during this process. 
 
(If you want to do the detox with me, message me.)
 
I consider myself a pretty healthy eater, but I'm already planning to feel deprived so I'm loading up on things I normally would never consume.  Soda, bacon, key lime pie, mac and cheese, a pulled pork sandwich covered in fried onion rings, and this.....

 


I have seriously stocked up on toxins to get rid of come Monday.  I'm going to kill this.

I'll keep you updated....no more long breaks.

So what's up with you?

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Bad Hair Day

Remember when I used to do this?

I'll tell you a secret...I loved it. 

It felt like me.  It felt like every good, bad, ugly, beautiful, funny, and sad part of me had a place to go. 

Then suddenly I just didn't do it.

No explanation.  No pivotal moment that sucked the blog out of me. 

(That sounds dirty.  I swear it's a fictional thing.  Never happened.)

Then today, something happened that had me constructing a blog in my head, just like I did for years....and it felt good.  I felt out of practice, but it felt good.

Bear with me while I try to get back at it.  If you haven't ever read this, before read one of these to judge me.  This or this or this or this


A lot and nothing has happened since I last blogged, but today something happened.  It spun me out folks. I felt like I was fumbling with a crying infant again. I was so confused, but with more sleep.

Here's the situation: 

Alex recently left for the mountains of Colorado.  He's riding a mule, or chasing a bear, or snuggling with an elk, or something like that FOR TEN DAYS. 

I've been busy a lot lately with my new business (I guess a lot has happened, will discuss soon,) so I decided to take the kids for a movie outing on Sunday.  Right after the movie it seemed like a good idea to get the boys' haircuts.  Aiden in particular was looking very elf like and in need of a haircut.

To be honest I didn't really look carefully at his hair after it was cut, but I did think it looked a little off.  Nothing was striking me as awful, and I consider myself to be overly critical of such things  when looking at my kids.  Fear not, I never voice them.

Don't judge.

Apparently I should have looked more carefully. 

When I picked Aiden up from school Monday he was PISSED.  It's not unusual for him to be cranky, but this was another level.  He was totally obnoxious about everything, threw a book at his brother's head, pushed Stella down, the list goes on and on.

WAIT....before we go any further it's important that I confess that I'm currently watching Tia & Tamera, the reality show.  Not re-runs of the hit show Sister, Sister, but an actual show about these twins real life today.   It's not even that amazing.  But I really like these girls.

Just needed to confess.

So as the evening goes on, Aiden finally confesses that he had a horrible day because "EVERYONE" made fun of his haircut at school.  Apparently even kids he didn't know were stopping him in the hall to tell him his haircut was "stupid." 

Now, I believe that people made fun of his haircut.  But I have a hard time believing strangers were actually stopping him in the hall of school to point out the low points of his hair style.  I see children there with their zippers undone, food all over their faces, inside-out clothing, a bad haircut is surely not going to bring children from far and wide to marvel at it. 

His hair was not cut very well, but it wasn't rainbow colored or braided in to corn rows. 

Is that how you spell corn row?  I really like to imagine Aiden with them, regardless of how they are spelled.  That would be awesome.

Or horrible, because if he has his hair in corn rows there is a level of serious poor judgment going on with him and/or me.  There most likely would be drug abuse underway so I'm telling you now, corn rows are a cry for help in our family.  Watch for it.

In true Aiden fashion, he informed me at bedtime that there was NO WAY he was going to school the next day, especially since it was picture day.  I told him we would discuss in the morning, genuinely thinking it would blow over.  I even turned to the parenting professionals of Facebook and gathered some advice on how to approach the situation with him in the morning should I need to pull out all the stops and actually bribe him or give him a pep talk.  I thought I was ready.

I was grossly unprepared in the morning.

Aiden woke up refusing to even put on clothes.  He claimed there was no way he was going to school with his "HORRIBLE haircut."

I informed him that he I was going to put him in the car without clothes and THEN he would be embarrassed. 

I felt like a parenting badass because he immediately sprung out of bed to put on clothes and headed straight to the breakfast table. 

Cliff Huxtible would have done the EXACT same thing and that made me feel good.

Soon after I threw a few more threats out and he was in the car.  He was inappropriately dressed for picture day, but I told him I would write a note excusing him from yearbook photos so there wasn't a chance he would be forever captured as the kid with the stupid hair....which is sort of crazy because surely all of us have AT LEAST one year with totally stupid hair in our yearbook.  It's going to happen and one day and what's funny is he will have no idea that it's happening until years down the road.

My year, you should know, was fourth grade.  I was a tiny business woman with short permed hair, a white short sleeve blouse, and giant bow tie at my collar.  It was serious. My Mom still holds firm in thinking it was "lovely."

As we approached the drop off area, Cole and his nicely combed hair and collared shirt was all ready to spring from the door. He apparently felt infinitely more confident than Aiden about picture day.

Aiden would NOT budge. I eventually pulled out of the drop off area and pulled around toward the front of the school to fight the battle.  Since I had rushed out the door I hadn't changed out of my pajama pants....it's important to note that these are covered in horses and other weird stuff. 

I bought them at Anthropologie though so surely they are cooler than they appear, right?

I tried sympathetic reasoning with Aiden.  "It's hard when someone makes fun of you for something, but we can't stay home and hide from them or what's bothering us."

Serious tears.

I tried bribing him.  "I will give you one dollar for each person who makes fun of you today."

Nothing.

I tired threatening him.  "If you don't get out of this car I am going to get the assistant principal to haul you out of the car with me."

He got out of the car.  He walked five steps away from the minivan, turned and broke in to sobs, clung to the door handle, and then flung himself back in the car.

Crap.

I reversed back to empathy and reason, made a quick turn back to irrational frustration and found myself trying to physically haul him out of my van in my pajamas. 

It turns out my son has reached the age when he is simply too big for me to physically force to do anything. 

Or I need to work out more. 

But I prefer to think there is no getting around it, he's too big for me now.

Here was his very pathetic face at drop off.




I conceded and agreed to take him home to regroup.

I felt so conflicted.  I genuinely felt badly for him.  He was having an impossible time letting this go and I truly could not stand the thought of him walking in to school and feeling scared of being ridiculed. 

BUT

I also felt like this was a big moment to learn that there are a lot of things that people will make fun of in our life.  It's important to not take ourselves too seriously, to not give other people the chance to wreck us.  It seemed like such a good time to talk about not seeking others' approval. 

I also found myself saying irrational things like, "what do you want me to do Aiden, tape hair on to your head so there is hair again?" 

It isn't amusing. It barely makes sense.  It was a low moment. 

Sorry Aiden.

When we got home we discussed how long it took for hair to grow.  We looked at photos of military men's haircuts.  We looked at A LOT of photos of David Beckham, because that's always a good idea.  We came up with a plan of how he would like his hair to look and then I agreed to take him to get his hair "fixed" before he had to go back to school.

Then we did, and he was  sooooo much happier.


He then became concerned about looking ridiculous for coming to school late because he didn't' like this hair, which I felt was A REALLY VALID POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE ALL FLIPPIN' MORNING, but agreed to let him miss the last two hours of school if he worked on school things at home. 

I think I did the right thing.  I hope he knows that I have his back, but that he can't take himself too seriously.  I did not expect this much drama when I got up this morning.

I have a feeling I am headed for a world of drama with this one very soon.



She refused to let Aiden have his picture taken without capturing one of her as well. 

Of course.

Drama.