Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Detox: Day Two...going on 3,829

This morning I felt like I was dying.

Not to be dramatic or anything...but DYING.

I huddled up in a big chair in my sunroom, sweating, feeling faint, and trying to talk myself out of this stupid detox.  I almost shot a brief video on my iPhone which I am fairly certain would have mirrored when one of the people spoke during The Blair Witch Project.

Remember how creepy that movie was? 

That is how creepy I felt.  I think all this lack of gluten is poisoning me. 

I think I might have even stacked some rocks in strange tower formations, it's difficult to remember my actions.

(Does everyone remember that movie?  Am I old for mentioning this film?  Should I be referencing something cooler that I don't even know about because I don't have time or energy to keep up with that stuff anymore?)

(Sidenote:  I just saw Will Smith's son is dating the youngest Kardashian girl and it sort of shocked me.  I have no valid explanation for feeling shocked that the Fresh Prince has a son old enough to date.  I also have no valid explanation for feeling that Will Smith's son should look less like a punk.  I mean, he had on two different shoes and that REALLY, REALLY bothers me.)

(Extra sidenote:  I think my having ANY emotion about Jaden Smith, or even remembering that his name is Jaden Smith, should speak to my weakened state.)

Most likely the lack of sugar is the true silent killer for me.  Dear Lord I love sugar. I think I would have given away my husband for a Starbucks chai tea latte and a pumpkin scone today.  I mean, Alex is cute, but I was without him for 10 days and even though it wasn't spectacular, I survived. 

The detox is KILLING ME.

My friend Keri said I was being dramatic when I relayed that I was crying in the cheese section of Natural Grocer today....but it was sad.  It was really sad.  I had just come from a lovely Noonday trunk show where people were eating adorable little bundt cakes and chips and I wanted some cheese. 

I ate two grape tomatoes at the party.

I ATE TWO GRAPE TOMATOES!!!!!!!!!

It was not fun. 

It was fun to see my friend.


But in my sugar deprived state I was forced to make a purchase.  I really didn't even have a choice. You know when you're drunk and make poor choices? 

(Mom and Dad, I have only been drunk once as a rite of passage during my youth, and I just said silly things, threw up and went to sleep.  I have to pretend to have made poor drunk choices in order to relate to all my boozer readers. Swear I never passed out on a bus in Cancun.  Swear.)

My purchasing of this beautiful bracelet is a lot like making a bad drunk decision.

 

Isn't it fun?  Don't worry Alex, it will be worth the money.

I plan to wear it every day. 

For the rest of my life.

Now it's a steal, right? 

Unless the detox does in fact kill me.

On top of my detox issues, Cole refused to go to school today.  Are you thinking, oh something must be bothering him.  Or, he must not feel well. 

No, he just wouldn't go. 

Do you understand the emotional toll it takes on a Mom when she has to physically wrestle a child in to the minivan, drive them to school, and then they just flat out refuse to go inside? 

It sucks.  It really, really sucks.

I would have gone inside for help to get him out, but I was crying by this point and I honestly was just a little overly defeated between the detox and the obstinate child and some other frustrations in life. 

I did what  any well educated, caring parent trying to serve as a good example for their children would do....I gave up.

I can't take on major behavior issues without the assistance of sugar, bread, Starbucks, and wine. 

My children are basically in charge until I am past this "killing me slowly slump" that everyone claims is normal and will pass.  I am not 100% positive that things will turn around like I'm told, but I'm not giving up now that I've started. 

The kids can take over, run wild, start their own toxic habits, which hopefully will force them to embark on some detox much like this one someday and they will experience the first few days of hell and all will be right in the world.

Right?


3 comments:

Lynda Halliger Otvos (Lynda M O) said...

Yowza, girlfriend, sounds bad. Are you sure this is going to be ok ?~! Maybe detox isn't for you at this moment in your life....

You've got me investigating it now and I have never even cared about detoxing before, however, worry sends me in strange directions; thanks dr google.

momnextdoor said...

It's the damn lack of gluten! I know that's my problem!

But just think how much you will appreciate gluten and sugar and normal food once you are done with this detox! It's like living in silence to better appreciate the sound of a whisper. Or however that saying goes. You know, the one they say in A Knight's Tale with Heath Ledger? (I threw that in there so you'd feel better about your Blair Witch reference) (you're welcome)

Samantha said...

This is very dramatic. I like it.