This is false. Very false.
Today I attended my first Zumba class. I truly thought I would rock the Zumba class forum.
A combination of dance and a group led exercise class? Surely this would be perfect for me.
There were only five of us in the class. All of us were pushing forty, two closer to sixty. We were a mixed bag of weights and body shapes. I would venture to saw we all were pretty, "normal" looking.
None of us were professional dancers, but I did find out all of my classmates regularly attended Zumba classes and loved it. I knew this because the instructor was THIRTY minutes late, we had plenty of time to chat.
When the instructor finally showed up, she was a tiny ball of Latina adorable. She beamed a smile at us, and told us she was Zumba Deb.
Of course she was.
She plugged in her iPod, threw on her headset, and started enthusiastically clapping over her head to Justin Bieber. I can totally clap overhead to young pop stars so I joined in, on my way to being a Zumba master, just like I had thought.
The first "routine" consisted primarily of a simple back and forth step with a clap. Every so often Deb would rub her hand around her head and down her body. It was very sexy when Deb did it, but it sort of looked like the rest of us had a stray hair bothering us that we couldn't locate.
It was awkward, but I was optimistic that rubbing your hand wasn't really dancing so I could still be awesome at this whole thing.
Moments after the second song started though, Deb took things to a whole other level. Deb consistently looked like she belonged in a sexy salsa club and the rest of us looked like we should just sit down and eat some salsa. I have never felt so uncoordinated in my life.
People, I am NOT a good dancer.
Unfortunately, unlike the dance floor at a wedding, there were mirrors all around me, I could see every awkward move I made.
I looked tall and floppy.
(I am not tall, unless I am standing next to a 5 foot dancer and a woman in the early stages of severe spine curvature.)
My only reprieve was when the older lady in front of me moved directly in my line of vision, I assume my flailing reflection was distracting her from focusing on the moves.
I was so confused.
First, I thought I could hang with some dance moves.
Second, no one informed me of the "sexy" component of Zumba so I felt the need to giggle every time I was directed to shake my chest or whenever Deb shouted, "sex it up ladies!" through her headset. There was so very little sexy about what most of us were doing.
Finally, Deb clearly has not given birth because the amount of jumping up and down and bouncing would have never been in the program if someone with three small children had choreographed it.
I really felt that Deb spent most of the class showing off her bladder control.
The real fun began when a little song called "Booty Work" started.
Honestly, I felt like someone should have hit the lights and offered me a shot. It was the most awkward and hilarious five minutes of my life. I kept looking for the guy handing out glow sticks.
Deb kept yelling at us to "make it sexy," and "keep it low," but I couldn't stop staring at the mirror and wondering how she wasn't dying laughing at all of us in the class.
Here's a link to the song if you haven't heard this classy tune.
I kept imagining the real video for the song...10-20 Deb varieties of barely dressed women shaking their butts. How awesome would it be to insert clips of my Zumba class with the professional booty shakers.
Is this what's been happening in Zumba classrooms around the world all these years?
Zumba is awesome.
Next Wednesday, 9:00, Deb, me and Zumba.