Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Hart of Leslie

No, I did not spell heart incorrectly. 

"Hart" will make sense soon, I promise.

Remember when Google tried to take over my domain and keep me from writing?

Some of you might have encountered this captivating site for a few weeks when trying to hop on themommytherapy.


It's mostly my fault, but that's not important right now.  What's important is that shortly after I reclaimed my domain, I became sick.

***Moment of silence for Mom being sick.***

My stuffy, snotty head cold very conveniently coincided with the return of my domain ownership and a lot of emails from "Google Enterprise."  I'm not saying Google made me sick because they were so desperate to hold on to my domain, I'm just saying it's an interesting "coincidence." 

Very interesting.

(I realize the misspelling of "hart" still doesn't make sense.  Bear with me.)

During my time of illness I was forced to watch an obscene amount of Netflix.

Well, really I should have been working to call to book my January calendar for my business, but because Google gave me this head cold, my voice is all sorts of sexy raspy.  I would never want to be accused of sexually harassing people to make them invite people over for an Arbonne presentation for me. 

Unless you think that would work.  Wait...would that work?

Either way, the Netflix was flowing for at least four days.  As you would expect, I stuck strictly to very cool independent films and documentaries that educated, scared, and inspired me. 

That's a total lie. 

I may, or may not have chosen to watch the first two seasons of the giant CW hit, Hart of Dixie.

(Makes sense now, right?)

First, I realize that your immediate reaction is probably to pass judgment, but please remember I was in a severely depleted state.  I had a fever off and on and breathing was tough at times, proper oxygen to my brain was probably an issue. 

I never saw Hart of Dixie coming, so don't think it couldn't happen to you too. 

About a year ago I found myself flipping channels and landed on Hart of Dixie, most likely because I was interrupted while scrolling through my options.  I watched about 30 minutes of one show, I sent a text to a friend to confess, was forgiven, and immediately forgot that the entire situation occurred. 

Not this time.

I can't even explain how I ended up firing up the Netflix, selected this show, and started watching, but watch I did.  I stayed up past midnight to watch.  I watched on my iPhone when I felt I had to walk around the house and do things like cook or check in on my children. Stella watched one Dora after another Dora while I stayed in bed and tried to figure out what was going to happen with that zany Zoe Hart. 

If you have some taste and aren't familiar with the basic story of the show....Zoe Hart, played by the beloved Rachel Bilson from the The OC, is a young doctor who inherits a general practice in Bluebell, Alabama.

(Bluebell, unfortunately has nothing to do with the amazing ice cream we purchase here in Texas.)

She moves from NYC to this small town and struggles to fit in, find love, and navigate her way through the crazy shenanigans of these small Southern town folks.

It's like Sweet Home Alabama, but not as good.

If you don't know how Rachel Bilson is, find that out fast.  To say she's not the best actor is probably a giant understatement, but she is adorable. 

She also has excellent fashion sense and amazing eye makeup. What's not to like?

When the last of the 44, yes 44 episodes played, I literally found myself searching online for episodes from season 3, which is currently airing on The CW.  I felt so desperate to discover what had happened to the love story in this show I was reading blogs and websites devoted to giving spoilers. 

(This seems like a good time to point out that I am reading Pillars of The Earth by Ken Follet.  It's a very thick book.  Lots of words and thoughts and complex plots.)

While scrambling for Hart of Dixie information, I have also spent a lot of time wondering why I care about this show.  For obvious reasons I feel it's important to figure this out. 

Here is what I have determined. 

The show romanticizes a whole slew of things I also romanticize, and often think that if I could have them in my life....things would be magical. 

Small towns, where everyone knows everyone else, no one has a really high stress job, and the whole town is constantly working on festival, parade, or celebration of some sort which will inevitably have an important life lesson discovered immediately following the big shindig. 

Rachel Bilson is able to wear a see through shirt with a fancy bra and not look slutty off and on through the whole series.  How is that?  I know very few people that can pull that off, and I am definitely not one of them.  At least not while carting my kids around in my minivan. Maybe I need a new car?

The thing that speaks to most women...the love story where the emotionally unavailable man falls hard for one special lady.  There's a playboy bartender who is totally smitten for Zoe Hart and it is perfect. They fight and make up and he wants to be a better man for her and it's awesome. 

Cheesy? Yes 100%, but awesome.

There are also all sorts of country sayings through the whole thing.  Expressions like, "I'm as busy as a one-legged cat in a sandbox," or "slicker than pig snot on a radiator."  I mean, if I could talk like that for one day.  Fantastic.

Finally, I am determined to figure out Rachel Bilson's eye makeup. She can wear things like green eye liner and look 100% appropriate.  I need to uncover that secret.

I can't decide if I feel more pathetic for laying out all the facts or if I feel validated for watching 44 episodes of such a show.  Surely this isn't the lamest show I have ever devoted a portion of my life to, right?

What's your guilty show? 

Anyone else watching Hart of Dixie?

I'm going to spend my next illness watching Roots, or Woody Allen movies, or maybe a documentary on Nelson Mandela. 

Promise.





Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Detox: Day 15 Wednesday Wonderful

If you feel confused about the fact that day 15 on your detox tracker is a Tuesday, feel comfortable in knowing you are right.  Day 15 is totally a Tuesday, but I spent a lot of time today thinking it was Wednesday and about church. 

Now are you confused?

You should be....bear with me.

When I was growing up my church had something called Wednesday Wonderful.  It was a potluck dinner where everyone could gather and hang out and have fellowship.

Or, it's possible I just made that up and maybe that's something my current church does.  Or maybe it doesn't exist at all and Wednesday and Wonderful just sound good together and I should start a potluck dinner.  It's just so confusing.

I really feel like something in my youth was called Wednesday Wonderful so if this is a lie, it's totally done with the best of intentions.  I decided it would be a good idea to whip up a little Wednesday Wonderful list. 

A list of some things I currently find wonderful. 

Wonderful-ish.

Fine, just a couple things that are on my mind.

I haven't had Advil in two weeks.  TWO WEEKS.  The detox may be tough at times, but it is awesome to not be pumping my body with toxic painkillers. 

Now, you might not exactly consider Advil a toxic painkiller, but I am actually pretty wimpy with medication so Advil is about as intense as I can get.  After delivering each child I couldn't take the pain meds or I'd get loopy and pass out, much like after I had my wisdom teeth removed and couldn't function enough on the meds to eat a Frosty.

I know I talk a big meth game, but....big confession:  I would be a horrible drug user.

Try not to be disappointed in me.

I love getting this in the mail.


I have a discount code if you are interested.  Healthy, yummy snacks. 

Made my Wednesday/Tuesday that much better.

I've purchased a lot of Katy Perry lately.  I don't really know that this has to do with anything, but I have really wanted to confess that to someone because it feels wrong. I sort of fear that the government is keeping track of my iTunes account along with my phone calls and I'll be labeled as someone with poor choice in music. 

That Roar song really gets me going though.  I think I might even be a good singer when I sing along.

You think?

My daughter is an adorable ballerina in black, until she's throwing a fit about not being able to find the perfect pair of shoes.


This one has been full of tantrums for the smallest of reasons.  I'm quite over it, to say that least.

Around 1:30 today though Stella cried and screamed because her Uggs didn't fit her feet anymore, (which I totally get but can not condone,) and decided to go put herself down for a nap.

She slept for a glorious 2.5 hours.

I'm joining the social committee.  My neighborhood has a social committee made up of a few women that have been working this scene for a while and I was contacted to be new blood.  That sounds weird, but I am totally flattered. 

I feel as if I have been chosen.

I wonder if I get a t-shirt?  Or a shiny jacket?  Will this be like The Pink Ladies in Grease? 

Could I turn it in to that?

I know I've mentioned this before, but in case you are new here, I was the president of my junior class.  I'm used to being a part of the governing body of my people.  Oak Bluff clearly needs me and I am stepping up to the challenge. 

Quick brainstorming: Block party, wine tasting, adult scavenger hunts....I'm going to kill it at that meeting tomorrow night.  I will now be accepting suggestions from the crowd.

My search keywords for this blog frighten and amuse me.  I can review the words searched to find my blog and today's favorite is, "is everyone just stupid." 

That's just fantastic.

Other searches are mostly related to red testicles and peeing one's pants...of course.

Wednesday's Wonderful.

Or Tuesday.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Detox: Day Let's Talk About Something Else

The detox is fine. The detox is great, I feel really good.

Today I drank 32 oz of brown-ish liquid which didn't really taste bad at all and is supposed to push this cleanse thing to the next level. 

(Sidenote:  If you are interested in doing a cleanse but don't want 28 days, this 7 day option would be worth looking in to, especially when paired with some diet modification.  Message me.)

So things are great with the detox, now it's just life so I no longer feel the need to talk about it all the live long day.  Though, if you start talking about amazing food I might have to freak out on you, because I miss amazing food.  Right now I'm working with good food and I am OK with that, but I am VERY excited for some amazing food.

What else is going on you say? 

First, I don't mean to brag or anything, but I went to Target today and bought this.



That's it. 

I carried my three measly items in my HANDS to the checkout, paid $12, and left the store. 

Ballet tights (Stella's not mine,) Nutella snack (Stella's not mine you detox doubters,) and glitter heart barrettes (Stella's not mine because my hair dresser told me I'm not even allowed to wear bobby pins and she is totally in charge.)

I can't really explain how this occurred because we all know that Target has those secret fumes pumping through their stores to make all, Moms in particular, feel a genuine need for no less than $100 of random crap whenever entering their story.  I was reasonably confident some sort of alarm and confetti situation might happen when I left the store, or at least when my husband learned of this freakish trick I accomplished, but all I got were several positive affirmations of my strength and fortitude on Facebook...which is almost as rewarding.

I sort of feel like a better person.

I think I might be.

Second, I again do not want to brag about my awesome-ness, but Alex and I have discovered that we have poop on our shower curtains again.  That's right, shower curtains.  Also right, again.

I'm not sure where we've gone so wrong in our parenting, but we have yet again found smudges of what we can only determine is poop on the shower curtains in two of our bathrooms.  One restroom is used primarily by Stella and Cole, the other by Aiden. 

We are still involved in the wiping situation with Stella so that leads us to believe that both of our boys are incapable of wiping properly.  We can't even figure out exactly what they would be doing to cause this situation. 

(We have actually run through the possibilities but it just feels mean to list them here.  You are welcome.) 

We will be having a wiping tutoring session here Thursday at 5:00 PM. 

The session will be followed shortly after by a how-to-get-a-tissue session since we also have found a LOT of boogers on the wall next to certain small people's beds. 

What is wrong with my kids?

In other news I'll be sending Christmas cards this year. 

That might not impress a lot of you, but I have NEVER sent a Christmas card. I just can't ever seem to get it together to simultaneously have the photo, time, and/or funds to make this type of Mom magic happen.  It is going to happen this year though. 

Our photo will be taken Sunday afternoon and I have already spent no less than $400 on a variety of shirts/pants/dress combinations which already are stressing me out.  I do plan to return the rejects, but this process is tough. 

Currently we have a dark red/blue thing going on...and when I say that out loud I feel very insecure about my sense of style.  Am I totally going to blow this?

Next big decision:  location.  Barn, city, park, home (probably away from all shower curtains,) whimsical fun setting?  This is the type of stuff I can't handle people.  Our photographer is thankfully a friend here that is going to just have to take over all of my indecisions.

The only thing I am confident in is my ability to gather addresses.  I am on it people! I have a spreadsheet AND it's alphabetized.

If we could remove the poop on the shower curtain from this post I would feel like a definite winner in the Mom world.  We're going to figure that situation out though, I just know it. 

Tips anyone?  Anyone?



Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Detox: Day Ten...Beyond The Detox

Forget the detox.

Did you all see the trend I have started? 

Remember way back in June when I went from this....



to this....



Y'all....

(I'm from Indiana but I've lived in Texas for 13 years now so I say y'all a lot.)

Jennifer Lawrence AND Jennifer Aniston are apparently following me on Instagram and basing their decisions to chop off all their hair on MY HAIR!  My hair is even shorter now than it is in the photo above.

More like (sort of since this was a bad hair day) this....



Which is more like THIS....



As if it weren't difficult enough to tell the difference between Jennifer Lawrence/Katniss and myself. 

It's just difficult when I'm trying to be an individual.

I know there are all sorts of people doing the pixie cut right now, but I feel confident in saying that I am leading these women to hair perfection. Who wants to take a bet that all of Hollywood will soon be interested in an Arbonne detox? 

It's a good thing you guys know me now.  Congratulations.

You know what else will probably soon be on the Yahoo homepage?




First tooth LOST!

Cole was elated to finally be part of the "loosing baby teeth" group. 

Geez, he is so cute when his just being himself and not fake brushing his teeth and lying about it or crying about video games.  So fun to watch his excitement.

Remember not too long ago when my parents mailed me this box of all my baby teeth?



I feel inspired to start putting all my kids teeth in a little box so I can creep them out in thirty years and have them delivered to their doors too.  It just seems like good parenting.

OK, since you are dying to know the latest detox news.

I feel good!

I am definitely still sick of the food limitations and I would probably stab someone for a Starbucks....a really yummy Malbec, but I feel good.

(I might not stab anyone, but it sounds really, really good to me right now.)

(It doesn't sound good to stab anyone.  Starbucks and a Malbec sound really good.)

Back to feeling good...

Still no headaches since the first few days.  That's a HUGE deal.  I chronically have headaches so to not have one for multiple days, especially since it has been raining here which is often a trigger for me, is amazing.

I am permanently converted to a protein shake for breakfast.  I am full for hours and feel so much better than my normal handful of granola or English muffin.

Even Stella loves the protein shake. Makes it with me and drinks one for breakfast every morning too!




18 more days. 

18.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Detox: Day Eight and Nine

What's that you say?

You're over talking about my detox? You don't want 28 days of detox blogs? 

Too bad.

If I can't have normal food, you can't have normal blogs.

(Please do not leave me.  I obviously care about your needs, I'm just unable to focus past my lack of sugar so I'm feeling a bit selfish.)

Remember when all I used to talk about was meth?

Those were the days.  If you missed out read this or this or this.

You know what meth users like? 

Sugar.

I couldn't even use meth on this detox if I needed to because I'd probably need to go drink a 2 liter of Mellow Yellow...if that's even still something that I can purchase, does it still exist? 

Crap, I bet it's not even made anymore.

There is no end to the list of things I can not consume right now.

I've started to make up rewards for myself. Mostly I'm relating them to my Arbonne business because I'm trying to push in that right now so I can take Alex on a free trip next year. I have all sorts of crazy goals.  I have a huge goal where I can eat a scone. 

A scone people.

I have never worked so hard to get a scone.  Call me if you want to help me eat a scone. 

I might weep.

I have to report that I'm feeling fine though.  Dare I say....I feel good.  I have more energy and I haven't had a headache in over a week, which is a BIG thing for me.

I even took a barre class today. 

That's right, I'm essentially a ballerina and forgot to tell you all.  In my class I feel like I'm in the movie Save The Last Dance, which you can't even pretend to have not seen. 

Julia Stiles and Sean Patrick Thomas dance their way to love and I think better schools.  It really pulls on the heart strings.

I'd be the Julia Stiles character since she was the ballet dancer turned hip hop dancer, just to be clear. 

Also to be clear, there is not love story in the barre class, just me and a handful of fun ladies wishing cocktails were served in the ballet studio.  Or maybe Mellow Yellow.

How did this even get so far off track? 

This wouldn't happen if I were drinking Mellow Yellow right now.

So I feel good...but that doesn't mean I feel 100% at peace about my restrictions.

I still find myself letting my mind wander to all the things I can't have and forming strategies in my head about how I could cheat....but I haven't.  I haven't been strict with myself because I really want to maintain my detox, but more because I feel so lame about the lengths I feel I have to go to for no one to know.

Last night I actually took out the box of raisin bran AND a bowl  because it sounded so good at 10:00 when I got home from my meeting.   I think I would have eaten it too, but Alex was up and I didn't feel like rationalizing why I was cheating. 

Let me be clear, Alex could not care less whether I cheat or not, but it feels more real to me if I have to explain to someone that I'm deciding to cheat.  Especially when I am making that someone eat dinners like this in the name of detox life.

Asparagus, roasted brussel sprouts, and quinoa with spinach.

There wasn't a bit of complaint from him, but I think he might be OK if I threw in the towel and could get a little more wild with our meals...like a little cheese or gluten here and there.

Last week I took a rare trip to the grocery store with just Aiden.  Aiden asks questions about EVERYTHING and listens to every word you say, regardless of whether you meant it for him or not. As we were strolling past the wine section I mumbled something under my breath about not being able to get wine....which now means Aiden is all over pointing out that I can't have a glass of wine.

Tonight, I actually found myself contemplating pouring some Chardonnay in a blue plastic cup so Aiden wouldn't suspect that I was cheating.  Sad you say?  Yes, yes it is. 

I was trying to hide wine consumption from my eight year old. 

Maybe that should just be avoided?

19 more days folks.  19.






Sunday, November 3, 2013

Detox: Day Five - Seven...Things Get Psychological

How's the detox going you say? 

Excellent, wonderful, fantastic. 

Oh, and I cheated.

DO NOT FREAK OUT. 

Let me explain.

Friday I felt sick again.  Not really sick, just very exhausted and I had serious cravings.  I wanted essentially everything on the list to eliminate.  I would have drank a bottle of vinegar for the sheer joy of knowing it's something I am not supposed to have.

(To be clear, I haven't missed vinegar at all.  I'm totally cool without vinegar.)

Friday was like a repeat of day two, but I think it was mostly psychological. 

I realized I desperately wanted to enjoy a Starbucks tea latte and a scone for the simple pleasure of enjoying a treat for me.   It tastes good, it's warm and cozy, and it's something I often get by myself...and I love it.

My friend Misti came over and told me how hard core she is when she does cleanses and for about the millionth time, she told me that by day 7 or so I wouldn't even want any of the things I used to relish, like sugary scones.  (I think Misti might be a big liar about that, but I do keep hearing that after the first week you feel amazing and the cravings decrease.)  She encouraged me to stay strong and never, ever cheat.

But Friday night was a rough night with the boys and by the time they were in bed I was physically incapable of not pouring a glass of wine.  I would be a horrible recovering drug addict because I rationalized that pour and felt confident in it. 

Then I took a sip and it just didn't taste worth it.  So I dumped out my glass of wine.

I would like to repeat, I DUMPED OUT MY GLASS OF WINE.

If it seems as though I am shouting at you, I am.  I can't believe I did that, but it didn't seem delicious enough to break all the work I had done to get to that day five. 

It's OK to think of me as an amazingly strong, determined woman of power right now.  I was.

And to be clear...that was not the cheating.

Saturday morning was a great day, we went on a family hike and were absolutely the most adorable we have ever been as a group of five as we unpacked snacks of pumpkin seeds, apples, and pistachios on rocks next to an isolated creek in the greenbelt, totally unaware of where we were.  We could have been part of  a commercial for something that helps you go have fun with your family and be happy, like Prozac or Chardonnay. 



I didn't crave anything.

Then suddenly we were invited out by one of Alex's friends to a new bar in our town.

(Sidebar plug for the bar Brass Tap in Round Rock, TX...awesome, classy, and cool.)

We found a sitter and by 8 pm Alex and I found ourselves showered, kid-less, and out of our house for the first time in over a month. We haven't been alone in ages.  I was at my cousin's wedding, then he was off shooting innocent animals, then he was at work and things just have not worked out for us to hang.

It was nice to see him again. 



If you have been reading for any amount of time you know I have a MAJOR crush on my husband.  Things aren't perfect of course, but geez I get giddy sometimes that he's mine. It was fun to be out with him again.

And that's when it happened....

I had....

a BEER.

I did consult my list of 'eat this not that' and couldn't find the word BEER explicitly forbidden, but some people consider beer to be in the category of alcohol so I guess I cheated.

I really debated mentioning it, I mean there are only about five people in the world that know of this detox betrayal, but I am a pretty awful liar so I decided to fess up.

You know...it was delicious. 

Alex and I sat in big overstuffed chairs and talked and drank our beer and I don't regret it one bit. 

I drank club soda and lime the rest of the night, which for all I know could be off limits too, but I think that was OK.  Though I didn't feel guilty, I was pretty convinced that I was going to feel like crap this morning and the cravings would be worse than ever. Surely that beer unraveled all my hard work.

Day seven though...I felt awesome.

I don't recommend cheating, but I don't recommend thinking the world is going to crash down around if something happens. I think staying strong the first week is extra important to get past the really hard part, which is not that long. 

Yes, I realize I cheated within the first week.  Do as I say, not as I do.

I haven't cheated at all today, even preparing delicious oatmeal for the family and watching them eat it while drinking my equally delicious shake. 

I feel great.

Day 8 is surely to be even better.

************************************************

If any of you are interested in attending a VERY fun shopping day of vendors at my home this month, email me and I will let you know the details. 

If you sell something and would like to be included, email me about that too.

If you want to be my best friend, email me and I'll tell you how we can make that happen....regardless of where you live.

themommytherapy at gmail dot com

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Detox: Day Four


 
Seriously people?
 
 
Thinking about cheating.
 
 
Not cheating.
 
 
Really think I'm not cheating.
 
 
Went to the bag again, wanted to cheat.
 
 
Couldn't find something worth cheating.
 
 
Detox tea and bed.
 
 
Detox tea and bed.
 
 
I think.
 
 
Not cheating.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Detox: Day Three

I almost didn't write tonight.  I had a slammed day of errands, birthday party, Martial Arts, and soccer practice.  Now Alex and I have two Sons of Anarchy episodes to watch. 

You can see what a serious and stressful life I have.

After my, dare I say dramatic, blog post yesterday about my detox I didn't feel like I could leave you hanging.  I assume most of you are now assuming I spent a good portion of today weeping about my lack of fun food, possibly even turning to drugs....or gluten.

I did not.

Today I felt good.  I would almost say normal.  Almost.

I had my tired moments, but nothing too rough to push through.  I drank a chocolate peppermint protein shake for breakfast, turkey chili for lunch, and a random assortment of things for dinner (all detox approved.) 

My only moment of torture was while I was distributing pizza at my neighbor's daughter's birthday party.  It was rough to see that pizza and not even be able to eat my the leftovers from my kids.  I REALLY wanted a piece of that pizza.

But then Cole kicked me with his skate because I wouldn't untie his shoe instead of Stella's, Stella wanted me to pour her more punch, Aiden wanted to know if he could eat his 10th lollipop, and I had to pee.  Sometimes not eating pizza is just not my biggest issue.

This detox is not lasting forever, 28 days is not that long.

It isn't like I hate the food I'm eating, I just can't have a lot of things that I enjoy. 

I am back to keeping my eye on the prize.  I really want to see if I can get all the toxins out of my body, see how I feel.  I'm fascinated by this process and genuinely curious about seeing how I feel.

25 more days?  No problem.

Though I must say....there is a serious thunderstorm raging right now and a glass of wine and some chocolate sound AMAZING. 

Staying strong.

I'm going to leave you with a photo of back when I could have dairy, gluten, AND sugar.  

Milk and cinnamon roll.


Amen.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Detox: Day Two...going on 3,829

This morning I felt like I was dying.

Not to be dramatic or anything...but DYING.

I huddled up in a big chair in my sunroom, sweating, feeling faint, and trying to talk myself out of this stupid detox.  I almost shot a brief video on my iPhone which I am fairly certain would have mirrored when one of the people spoke during The Blair Witch Project.

Remember how creepy that movie was? 

That is how creepy I felt.  I think all this lack of gluten is poisoning me. 

I think I might have even stacked some rocks in strange tower formations, it's difficult to remember my actions.

(Does everyone remember that movie?  Am I old for mentioning this film?  Should I be referencing something cooler that I don't even know about because I don't have time or energy to keep up with that stuff anymore?)

(Sidenote:  I just saw Will Smith's son is dating the youngest Kardashian girl and it sort of shocked me.  I have no valid explanation for feeling shocked that the Fresh Prince has a son old enough to date.  I also have no valid explanation for feeling that Will Smith's son should look less like a punk.  I mean, he had on two different shoes and that REALLY, REALLY bothers me.)

(Extra sidenote:  I think my having ANY emotion about Jaden Smith, or even remembering that his name is Jaden Smith, should speak to my weakened state.)

Most likely the lack of sugar is the true silent killer for me.  Dear Lord I love sugar. I think I would have given away my husband for a Starbucks chai tea latte and a pumpkin scone today.  I mean, Alex is cute, but I was without him for 10 days and even though it wasn't spectacular, I survived. 

The detox is KILLING ME.

My friend Keri said I was being dramatic when I relayed that I was crying in the cheese section of Natural Grocer today....but it was sad.  It was really sad.  I had just come from a lovely Noonday trunk show where people were eating adorable little bundt cakes and chips and I wanted some cheese. 

I ate two grape tomatoes at the party.

I ATE TWO GRAPE TOMATOES!!!!!!!!!

It was not fun. 

It was fun to see my friend.


But in my sugar deprived state I was forced to make a purchase.  I really didn't even have a choice. You know when you're drunk and make poor choices? 

(Mom and Dad, I have only been drunk once as a rite of passage during my youth, and I just said silly things, threw up and went to sleep.  I have to pretend to have made poor drunk choices in order to relate to all my boozer readers. Swear I never passed out on a bus in Cancun.  Swear.)

My purchasing of this beautiful bracelet is a lot like making a bad drunk decision.

 

Isn't it fun?  Don't worry Alex, it will be worth the money.

I plan to wear it every day. 

For the rest of my life.

Now it's a steal, right? 

Unless the detox does in fact kill me.

On top of my detox issues, Cole refused to go to school today.  Are you thinking, oh something must be bothering him.  Or, he must not feel well. 

No, he just wouldn't go. 

Do you understand the emotional toll it takes on a Mom when she has to physically wrestle a child in to the minivan, drive them to school, and then they just flat out refuse to go inside? 

It sucks.  It really, really sucks.

I would have gone inside for help to get him out, but I was crying by this point and I honestly was just a little overly defeated between the detox and the obstinate child and some other frustrations in life. 

I did what  any well educated, caring parent trying to serve as a good example for their children would do....I gave up.

I can't take on major behavior issues without the assistance of sugar, bread, Starbucks, and wine. 

My children are basically in charge until I am past this "killing me slowly slump" that everyone claims is normal and will pass.  I am not 100% positive that things will turn around like I'm told, but I'm not giving up now that I've started. 

The kids can take over, run wild, start their own toxic habits, which hopefully will force them to embark on some detox much like this one someday and they will experience the first few days of hell and all will be right in the world.

Right?


Monday, October 28, 2013

Detox: Day One

As I mentioned in my previous post, I started a 28 day detox diet today.

Ever since I posted, have been flooded with questions about what type of detox this is, where people can get more information, and an overwhelming desire to participate with me.

(Please read the above sentence for it's hidden meaning, which is "one person emailed me to say that is sounds awful, but it might be fun to watch my pain from afar.") 

I feel it's important to give you all the facts though so you know what I'm doing. 

Well, some of the facts. 

All of the facts would be sort of boring and I haven't eaten sugar all day so I have a lot of pent up babble to get out because I love sugar....or I might fall asleep.  I don't even know anymore. 

As I also mentioned in my previous post, I started an Arbonne business in July and it has been awesome.  I have been focusing on the skincare side of things, but there is a whole wellness side that I don't usually explore except to talk about my deep, deep love of the vegan protein shakes.

The 28 day detox is something I'd heard about off and on for the last year through Arbonne friends so I decided I should try it.  I get headaches quite often, like almost daily, and I feel like I am often tired.  I heard that after this detox everyone feels more energetic, and just better overall.

So in a nutshell:  In a mere 27 days I will be the most amazing person EVER. 

No exaggeration.

Basically I can't have gluten, sugar, dairy, most fruits except for green apples, berries, lemons and limes.  I need to eat organic, no caffeine, no JOY.

Kidding, sort of.

It really isn't that bad.  Today I genuinely didn't feel restricted until this evening when I started to prep dinner.  Every day, I think about that moment when I can start cooking dinner and pour my glass of wine.  I look forward to that drink. I love it. LOVE it.

Oh, did I mentioned I CAN'T DRINK ALCOHOL ON THIS DAMN DETOX!!!!

I did a quick scan through my phone and along with adorable photos of my kids, there is another frequently featured subject of my pictures.






 


 
 
It's possible that based on this collection of photos I could have a drinking problem.
 
It's also possible that my use of ice cubes in my chardonnay is AWESOME and very classy, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
 
I am not able to even have one glass of wine during the evening time....and that sort of blows.
 
Breakfast I had a protein shake and some detox tea...perfect.
 
Snack I had a green apple.
 
Lunch I had brown rice, beans, tomatoes, and avocado....delicious.
 
Snack I had a fizz stick (b vitamin energy drink of sorts, Arbonne approved.)
 
Dinner I had NO FREAKIN' WINE, roasted chicken, asparagus, cauliflower, and some raspberries. 
 
Now I really want a chocolate caramel macadamia nut cluster. I really, really do.
 
But I'm not going to give in.  I am determined to see if I can feel differently after doing this detox for the full 28 days.  I am excited about the challenge, but very, very angry about the alcohol thing right now.
 
You know what I can have right now? 
 
More detox tea.
 
Without honey.
 
I know what you're thinking, "Leslie, that sounds amazing, why are you complaining?" 
 
Off  to fix my hot water...I'll report in tomorrow.


Saturday, October 26, 2013

Let's Catch Up

Alex finally came home!  After nine long days and  nights away he finally returned last night.

Then he left again today.

Thankfully this time he didn't leave for another extraordinarily long boys hunting trip where he looks a bit like a serial killer in all the photos.  Today he left for cub scout camping with the boys because he's a really good dad, and I bet he barely resembles a serial killer in any photos from this trip....well maybe after he spends the night in a tent with Aiden and Cole.

As happy as I am about the good dad stuff, I must admit I'm feeling a bit neglected.

I am used to sharing my nightly babble with Alex and while he was walking around with the elk and climbing mountains, probably singing most of the Sound of Music soundtrack, he couldn't chat.

He needs to know that I feel like I really could have been a dancer when I am in my barre class in first position while listening to Kanye West.

I started reading Pillars of the Earth and I can't decide if I like it or not yet.

I haven't had a chance to talk to him about how I decided I MUST giveaway my favorite pair of jeans which no longer fit me and that I don't have a single pair of black shoes that I like. 

HOW IS HE EXISTING WITHOUT THIS INFORMATION?!?!?!?

I bet Alex doesn't even know I'm wearing natural deodorant yet.  He probably was wondering why I started smelling during the brief hours we were around one another before he departed again.  

Now I bet you feel totally confused. I hadn't even bothered to tell all of you that I'm using natural deodorant unless you are friends with me on Facebook and have been my multiple posts about this subject...in which case you probably are sort of annoyed that I'm even mentioning it again.

Do you feel like you are reading the words of a stranger? 

Time to play catch up. Let's hit the highlights from my time away from here....

We went to Disney.  It was a hot, sweaty five days of joy and exhaustion.  We went with my whole family so Grandma and Tractor were in the mix so you know it was a blast. 

These kids were HAPPY. 


And their parents thought it was pretty fantastic as well.


We did a LOT of this at home.



I started an Arbonne business.  I thought I had such a good deal with my previous business, but there is just no comparing.  The current income, the potential, the support, the products.  I NEVER thought I would be doing this, but it's been a surprisingly perfect fit.

We drove in the minivan to Indiana as we always do...but this time we stopped in Missouri to visit Nanny and frolic with farm animals.



The boys did the majority of the frolicking. I mainly watched and played on my phone., but loved admiring from afar.

I got to see my kids run around my childhood home with my parents and my heart was so very full.


I got to see my girls and feel the love of my favorite people.


For some reason I do not have any photos with Julie and Sara from that trip...but almost all my girls came to see me in September...


Love these ladies.  Seriously love.


When we came home from Indiana, suddenly the boys were heading to school....on the bus, and I had free time again. Free time happens to come with a heaping serving of sanity.

I like sanity.


And Stella discovered ballet classes and has basically not stopped singing and dancing since we purchased her tap and ballet shoes at Payless...where she performed for twenty minutes straight for strangers and then bowed when they clapped.

See post performance photo below.

 
First class was pure bliss.
 
 
It's awesome.
 
 
You know what I'm trying to think of as awesome?  Our new dog.  Yep, I have two dogs now.
 
Two dogs, both less than 10 pounds, both pee when excited, and this new one thinks the dining table is cozy for naps and such.
 
 
Oh and his name is Chuckles.  We didn't name him, and Alex is furiously trying to change his name to Chuck, but no one is buying it.
 
Everyone will be happy to know that I am starting a clean eating detox Monday morning.  It's a 28 day detox boot camp. where you eliminate certain foods, focus on others, and eat real food. 
 
I realize you probably aren't overly concerned with my eating habits, but I can only imagine the commentary I will have during this process. 
 
(If you want to do the detox with me, message me.)
 
I consider myself a pretty healthy eater, but I'm already planning to feel deprived so I'm loading up on things I normally would never consume.  Soda, bacon, key lime pie, mac and cheese, a pulled pork sandwich covered in fried onion rings, and this.....

 


I have seriously stocked up on toxins to get rid of come Monday.  I'm going to kill this.

I'll keep you updated....no more long breaks.

So what's up with you?

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Bad Hair Day

Remember when I used to do this?

I'll tell you a secret...I loved it. 

It felt like me.  It felt like every good, bad, ugly, beautiful, funny, and sad part of me had a place to go. 

Then suddenly I just didn't do it.

No explanation.  No pivotal moment that sucked the blog out of me. 

(That sounds dirty.  I swear it's a fictional thing.  Never happened.)

Then today, something happened that had me constructing a blog in my head, just like I did for years....and it felt good.  I felt out of practice, but it felt good.

Bear with me while I try to get back at it.  If you haven't ever read this, before read one of these to judge me.  This or this or this or this


A lot and nothing has happened since I last blogged, but today something happened.  It spun me out folks. I felt like I was fumbling with a crying infant again. I was so confused, but with more sleep.

Here's the situation: 

Alex recently left for the mountains of Colorado.  He's riding a mule, or chasing a bear, or snuggling with an elk, or something like that FOR TEN DAYS. 

I've been busy a lot lately with my new business (I guess a lot has happened, will discuss soon,) so I decided to take the kids for a movie outing on Sunday.  Right after the movie it seemed like a good idea to get the boys' haircuts.  Aiden in particular was looking very elf like and in need of a haircut.

To be honest I didn't really look carefully at his hair after it was cut, but I did think it looked a little off.  Nothing was striking me as awful, and I consider myself to be overly critical of such things  when looking at my kids.  Fear not, I never voice them.

Don't judge.

Apparently I should have looked more carefully. 

When I picked Aiden up from school Monday he was PISSED.  It's not unusual for him to be cranky, but this was another level.  He was totally obnoxious about everything, threw a book at his brother's head, pushed Stella down, the list goes on and on.

WAIT....before we go any further it's important that I confess that I'm currently watching Tia & Tamera, the reality show.  Not re-runs of the hit show Sister, Sister, but an actual show about these twins real life today.   It's not even that amazing.  But I really like these girls.

Just needed to confess.

So as the evening goes on, Aiden finally confesses that he had a horrible day because "EVERYONE" made fun of his haircut at school.  Apparently even kids he didn't know were stopping him in the hall to tell him his haircut was "stupid." 

Now, I believe that people made fun of his haircut.  But I have a hard time believing strangers were actually stopping him in the hall of school to point out the low points of his hair style.  I see children there with their zippers undone, food all over their faces, inside-out clothing, a bad haircut is surely not going to bring children from far and wide to marvel at it. 

His hair was not cut very well, but it wasn't rainbow colored or braided in to corn rows. 

Is that how you spell corn row?  I really like to imagine Aiden with them, regardless of how they are spelled.  That would be awesome.

Or horrible, because if he has his hair in corn rows there is a level of serious poor judgment going on with him and/or me.  There most likely would be drug abuse underway so I'm telling you now, corn rows are a cry for help in our family.  Watch for it.

In true Aiden fashion, he informed me at bedtime that there was NO WAY he was going to school the next day, especially since it was picture day.  I told him we would discuss in the morning, genuinely thinking it would blow over.  I even turned to the parenting professionals of Facebook and gathered some advice on how to approach the situation with him in the morning should I need to pull out all the stops and actually bribe him or give him a pep talk.  I thought I was ready.

I was grossly unprepared in the morning.

Aiden woke up refusing to even put on clothes.  He claimed there was no way he was going to school with his "HORRIBLE haircut."

I informed him that he I was going to put him in the car without clothes and THEN he would be embarrassed. 

I felt like a parenting badass because he immediately sprung out of bed to put on clothes and headed straight to the breakfast table. 

Cliff Huxtible would have done the EXACT same thing and that made me feel good.

Soon after I threw a few more threats out and he was in the car.  He was inappropriately dressed for picture day, but I told him I would write a note excusing him from yearbook photos so there wasn't a chance he would be forever captured as the kid with the stupid hair....which is sort of crazy because surely all of us have AT LEAST one year with totally stupid hair in our yearbook.  It's going to happen and one day and what's funny is he will have no idea that it's happening until years down the road.

My year, you should know, was fourth grade.  I was a tiny business woman with short permed hair, a white short sleeve blouse, and giant bow tie at my collar.  It was serious. My Mom still holds firm in thinking it was "lovely."

As we approached the drop off area, Cole and his nicely combed hair and collared shirt was all ready to spring from the door. He apparently felt infinitely more confident than Aiden about picture day.

Aiden would NOT budge. I eventually pulled out of the drop off area and pulled around toward the front of the school to fight the battle.  Since I had rushed out the door I hadn't changed out of my pajama pants....it's important to note that these are covered in horses and other weird stuff. 

I bought them at Anthropologie though so surely they are cooler than they appear, right?

I tried sympathetic reasoning with Aiden.  "It's hard when someone makes fun of you for something, but we can't stay home and hide from them or what's bothering us."

Serious tears.

I tried bribing him.  "I will give you one dollar for each person who makes fun of you today."

Nothing.

I tired threatening him.  "If you don't get out of this car I am going to get the assistant principal to haul you out of the car with me."

He got out of the car.  He walked five steps away from the minivan, turned and broke in to sobs, clung to the door handle, and then flung himself back in the car.

Crap.

I reversed back to empathy and reason, made a quick turn back to irrational frustration and found myself trying to physically haul him out of my van in my pajamas. 

It turns out my son has reached the age when he is simply too big for me to physically force to do anything. 

Or I need to work out more. 

But I prefer to think there is no getting around it, he's too big for me now.

Here was his very pathetic face at drop off.




I conceded and agreed to take him home to regroup.

I felt so conflicted.  I genuinely felt badly for him.  He was having an impossible time letting this go and I truly could not stand the thought of him walking in to school and feeling scared of being ridiculed. 

BUT

I also felt like this was a big moment to learn that there are a lot of things that people will make fun of in our life.  It's important to not take ourselves too seriously, to not give other people the chance to wreck us.  It seemed like such a good time to talk about not seeking others' approval. 

I also found myself saying irrational things like, "what do you want me to do Aiden, tape hair on to your head so there is hair again?" 

It isn't amusing. It barely makes sense.  It was a low moment. 

Sorry Aiden.

When we got home we discussed how long it took for hair to grow.  We looked at photos of military men's haircuts.  We looked at A LOT of photos of David Beckham, because that's always a good idea.  We came up with a plan of how he would like his hair to look and then I agreed to take him to get his hair "fixed" before he had to go back to school.

Then we did, and he was  sooooo much happier.


He then became concerned about looking ridiculous for coming to school late because he didn't' like this hair, which I felt was A REALLY VALID POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE ALL FLIPPIN' MORNING, but agreed to let him miss the last two hours of school if he worked on school things at home. 

I think I did the right thing.  I hope he knows that I have his back, but that he can't take himself too seriously.  I did not expect this much drama when I got up this morning.

I have a feeling I am headed for a world of drama with this one very soon.



She refused to let Aiden have his picture taken without capturing one of her as well. 

Of course.

Drama.


Monday, June 17, 2013

More Summer Babble, It's All I Have Right Now

Sometimes, when I haven't written for a few days, I feel overwhelmed by the random things in my head.  I apologize in advance for where this post goes.

First things first, it's important that you know that this happened.


If you follow me on Instagram though, you already know this. If you don't, what's up?

Not sure why this hair chopping equally terrified and thrilled me, but it did. I still feel a little shocked when I walk by the mirror, but mostly I keep thinking that it is so much easier to "fix."

(I also feel very feisty.  Are people with short hair supposed be more aggressive? Don't mess with me right now.)

Another perk?  I have to get my hair cut more often, giving me more opportunities to leave my house.

I bet that is exactly how Jennifer Connelly has felt this past weekend. 

I wonder why there wasn't an article like this about me getting my hair cut?

In addition to cutting off all my hair, I also figured out the secret to a happy summer with my children.....

The perfect balance between activities, some rest time, babysitters, and plenty of wine.

No problem, right? 

Ok, so it's slightly challenging to maintain any sort of balance of these things.  Last week we were slammed with social commitments, Pampered Chef stuff, swim lessons, and normal life.  We were all exhausted and a little bit on the cranky side. 

Note Stella's exhaustion below:


She literally passed out during The Little Mermaid.  Can you imagine how tired you would have to be to abandon Ariel like that?

(For the record, I wasn't cranky, just everyone else in my family. I was just "feisty," and that was the hair's fault.)

This week, I'm totally ready.  We have VBS every morning from 9-12, then nothing but naps, movies, and swimming leisurely into the evenings. Much better plan for some sanity.

I also have found myself sneaking away most days to do this for at least 15 minutes before someone comes to me with a tragedy related to Minecraft, iTouch charge, starvation (first world style,) a raging dispute about rocket fuel/vans/circles/calculators/etc., or a Dora emergency, such as the fact that the show ended. 


I think the 15 minutes helps.

It also helps that I'm reading something like this.


I'm not sure how this came to be on my bookshelf, but it was, so now I'm almost done reading it and loving it.  It isn't heavy, but it isn't terribly mindless either.  It makes me question important things like whether or not I could be a travel writer, or marry someone after six weeks of knowing them, or if I should watch Roman Holiday. 

I'm pretty sure it's important for me to have my answers to these sorts of questions ready in case of an emergency.

It reminded me of books like Good Grief or Everyone is Beautiful, love them.  Read them. Now.

Also joining the team of making things more pleasant around here this summer?

My crockpot. 

The crockpot, along with my grill press and pan, are making things much, MUCH easier for dinner around here.  If you aren't using a crockpot, you are out of your mind.

You know what has surprisingly not made anything better?


Playtex trying to set my period to music. 

I don't understand why this is happening or why it bothers me so much?

I told you I had no control over where this goes.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Summer, You're Getting On My Nerves

Summer rocks.

And summer blows.

Then it rocks again.

Then I want to jump in my pool and never surface.

(That may be an exaggeration, sort-of.)

It's really confusing.

I think I was especially confused coming off of a weekend away from the kids with Alex.  We had an awesome getaway, with some awesome people, the perfect mix of doing nothing and doing something.





We were on a boat.


 

Then we weren't on a boat.

Both on and off the boat was fantastic due to the absence of our children.

This week started off really well though.  I was revived and ready to cherish them again...for approximately 20-30 minutes at a time, without whining.

We went to the gym, we roamed, we went to the library and were very intelligent, then we swam and swam and watched movies and I pretended things were wonderful.

We are happy and enjoying being out and about with our awesome Mom.


She made up a whole story for me while we were at the library. It involved a lot of weather.  It was sort of boring in an adorable sort of way.


Yesterday we hung around the pool all day and it rocked.

As my friend Sabra noted, I have a nice knee.

Then this morning we lingered and didn't get out to the gym and I realized my life needs to involve more than exercise, donuts, and lying by my pool.  We had no plans for fun, only errands, and that just wasn't cool with the kids anymore.  Not cool at all.

I did Tae Bo (circa 1996) amongst much whining and general distress.  I begged, honestly begged, my children to go with me to the Apple store to fix my shattered iPad, even offering Starbucks and lollipops.  They weren't having it. 

They trapped me in my own home. 

It was really mean.

They aren't doing it to me again tomorrow though. I have a plan.  I feel armed and ready. 

It's going to be wonderful, in an overly structured, really up-tight sort of way. 

Stay tuned.



Tuesday, June 4, 2013

And Then There Was ANOTHER Day Of Summer

In case you hadn't heard, summer is still on...no one has decided this isn't a good idea.  I haven't heard so much as a rumbling about it being cut short to preserve some of the sanity of us Moms, so day two went ahead and happened....and it wasn't horrible.

I was more prepared today, waking up already armed with low expectations for productivity.

I can't stress enough how much this changes my entire day.  When I go in to the day knowing I'm not going to get anything done, we all win.

(Well, expect for all the people waiting for me to pay them, or answer their questions, or process their Pampered Chef orders, or you know, return their phone call.  But, let's ignore them right now.)

Around 4:00 pm though I realized I might have over shot my low productivity when Cole said, "Mommy, we never ate lunch."

Oops.

I did manage to get the kids to the gym today.  I am convinced that this activity is nearly as important as that 5:00 pm glass of Chardonnay (mine, not theirs, just to be clear,) to our daily routine.  Without either of these things, Mommy might find herself rocking in the closet and singing Bare Naked Ladies or Bjork.*

Other than the gym though, we didn't leave the house.  Amity came over, we had swim lessons here, Stella napped, and then I was a really crazy good Mom. 

We played with beads.


It doesn't sound all that impressive, but we created bracelets and rings and necklaces and were joyful together.  We were also sipping smoothies with actual vegetables in them while we did it.  Some might venture to say best Mom ever, right?

Check out their joy.


 
 
I have no clue what Stella was doing.  You would think the only girl is going to dig the jewelry aspect, but she mostly just moved beads around and ate pretzels.  Lame.
 
After beads we swam, then had dinner and a movie night....much more my idea of summer than crying over Dora all day and whining about not having enough iTouch time.
 
I think I'll lower my expectations again tomorrow.
 
Except maybe I'll try to expect to feed them meals tomorrow. 
 
Maybe not though. I mean, it worked out really well today.  Maybe that's the key?  I don't want to screw anything up.
 
And per Mindy, I've been slacking in sharing Stella as a swimmer this summer. 
 
 
My apologies.
 



Better Mindy?

I'm assuming day three happens tomorrow.  We'll be in touch.

*Bjork would actually never happen.  Can anyone sing her songs without them playing?  Or with them playing?  Is she still alive?