Wednesday, November 21, 2012

A Bra Changes Everything

I try to parent with natural consequences to my children's actions. 

Choose to not take your jacket?  You'll be cold later and hopefully think twice the next time.

Leave your toys on the floor?  The dog will chew them, or they will disappear to toy jail.

Delay starting your power errands with all three kids and choose to get the deep clean at the car wash even though you arrive late?  You will be tortured both mentally and physically at said car wash.

Fine, that last one is my punishment.  It  was painful people.

Since I wasn't thinking clearly Monday morning, and worked yesterday, I waiting until today to run three crucial errands before the holiday.  All three kids are out of school today so I knew it would be rough, but I had a plan and was feeling irresponsibly optimistic.  

No Mom heading out with three kids under seven and a plan should EVER feel optimistic.  EVER.  She should feel focused and motivated and cautious, but not optimistic.  Optimistic leads to epic fails.

Mistake number one was not getting dressed the minute I woke up, and immediately getting food together for my kids. Whenever I feel inclined to leisurely linger over my morning smoothie and delay putting on a bra, nothing happens for hours. 

Despite my extraordinarily small chest size, a bra is key in getting me going in the morning.  I think my brain somehow assumes if I'm not wearing a bra, there is no reason to kick logical thinking in to high gear.  This is dangerous.

Delaying breakfast for my kids is essentially telling them to go get interested in something else, like cutting up 20 pieces of perfectly good printer paper to make fake money and open a store to sell one another things they all profess to hate, until someone else is willing to pay $30 in tree-killing money for it.  There is no pulling them away from their cut-throat sales this time of year.

Since we were already working at a slow pace, it seems logical that I worked myself right in to mistake number two.  Facebook, ruler of most of my braless time wasting.

Damn Facebook and it's ability to capture me in a web of humourous e-cards, heartfelt links (like this one from my sorority grand-daughter who is going through an amazing time, read it here and start at the beginning of the blog,) and general shenanigans from my closest 500 friends.

After I got dressed, I started to feel a bit of panic about getting out the door since it was a little after 10.  I sort of have a rule that I have to be out the door before 10 in order for sanity to have a chance while running errands.  Unfortunately, I then allowed myself to make mistake number three...calling my Mom. 

My Mom tends to be full of both helpful and obvious advice, so she did get me off the phone faster than usual.  We finally rolled in to the car wash around 10:50, late, but nothing tragic. 

I thought.

I wanted a thorough wash and vacuum, as well as a really good wipe down inside.  I don't remember the last time my car was really wiped out, but I did find two pieces of chewed gum and something rotting in one of the back cup holders, so it had been at least a few weeks.

Fine, I'm 99% sure it's been a year.

A year people.

Shameful. 

As I chatted to Mr. Carwash Man through my window he suggested I get a deep clean, which I thought sounded good for ridding my van of any science experients growing in the crevices.  I'm not sure that I properly calculated the hour and a half wait time for the service in to my day. 

Mistake number four...which rolls in to mistakes 4-200.

We started out OK.  My children aren't savages, they are generally pretty well behaved in public, especially before noon.  We sat outside and watched cars go by, Stella wowed the older crowd with her charm, and Aiden and Cole created some sort of count the car game that seemed really educational and creative. 

I found myself thinking I can totally do this for an hour and a half and then go to the grocery store and Orgins.

See how happy and adorable they look during the first few car wash moments?


(Insert mocking laughter.)

After about 30 mintues Aiden and Cole lost interest in counting cars and were encouraging Stella to dig through my purse for quarters, which apparently are readily available.  I was planning to stop them but it seemed harmless and I was caught in a very serious discussion with an older gentleman about adoption through the foster care system.

Somehow he had misunderstood me and thought that I was in the process of adopting.  He was giving me lots of advice about kids sneaking food and hoarding toysa and backpack checking.  After a few minutes of attempting to interrupt and correct him, I gave up and starting talking about my fictitious foster child, whom I found myself explaining was with my husband. 

I clearly have issues with these types of encounters with strangers.

The next time I turned around I saw Cole dropping a can of Orange Fanta, which fizzes, partially explodes, and rolls accross the crowd of people waiting for their cars, leaving a trail of high fructose corn syrup for everyone.  Next to Cole is Aiden, giggling with manic delight at his firm grasp on another can of the usually forbidden drink. 

I thanked the man for all his help with my fake foster child situation and hustled off to confiscate sodas and reevaluate how much money in quarters Stella had found.  The foster care man informed me that I would, "really have my hands full with our new addition." 

I simply smiled, there's just no going back from that kind of a miscommunication.

(I am an awful person.)

This is when Alex calls and says he can meet us for lunch next door to the car wash.  Thank God for the new Taco Market.   I had already been trying to figure out how I was going to ever make it to the bathroom without dragging all three with me, so I was very relieved to hear he could join us.

Lunch was uneventful, but returning to the car wash to find my van was no where near done was a profound and sad revelation.  All three kids were done, ready to go home and completely unsympathetic about my car not being finished.

They each colored in their Taco Market coloring books and then realized that they would much rather torture one another.  As I broke up a fight between Cole and Aiden I realized Stella had decided the grey stone bench looked far too drab, choosing a vibrant yellow crayon to liven things up on the seat.

We had been there too long, far too long to be sane anymore.

Which brings me to mistake number five, suggesting we all go inside to the "gift shop" and play eye spy.

It worked for a few minutes and then Stella realized there were all sorts of things within her reach, like a glass candy cane wine stopper.  I took it away from her twice and then as I was apoligizing to a woman for Aiden and Cole's life size chess game which caused Cole to run in to her, Stella grabbed the wine stopped and simply dropped it on the cement floor.

My fake child would have never done that.

$13.99 of shattered candy cane.

I redirected Stella to a basket of plastic trash bags for people to put in their cars, which she proceeded to carry around and hand out to all the other waiting customers.  With Aiden and Cole captivated by my phone and Stella working for the car wash, I decided to go check on my van....now at the two hour mark since we arrived.

I was promised it would only be thirty more minutes and I went back to break up the latest Aiden and Cole fight and rescue an older gentleman from Stella's insistence that he take a free bag.  She was overdue for a nap and not taking no for an answer from anyone. 

One man kindly asked me if I had momentarily blacked out when I decided to bring them all with me to the car wash.  I found the comment to be equally insulting and funny, probably because I felt like he was judging me, but I thought it sounded like a good excuse for my clearly very poor decisions of the day.  I suprisingly refrained from explaining to him that I didn't put a bra on right away and it caused the entire demise of my day.  He didn't seem as kind and willing to help as foster kid man, who would have probably sympathized with me and made me feel better. 

I missed him.

By 1:40 I was about to just take my vehicle home.  I figured surely it would be in a much better state than it had been, regardless of completion.  Mercifully, that was when I was told it was ready.

Mr. Carwash Man, attempting to do me a favor, pointed to a spot in the parking lot where he said he could park my van so we could pile in and go. 

Apparently he parked it right next to a crazy curb island though...which I ran over, scratching the bottom of my front fender again, while several carwash men waved and shouted at me. 

It would have been more helpful if they had told me to stop instead of making me think they were the friendliest bunch of car wash hands I'd ever seen, waving enthusiastically and mouthing words I didn't understand.

I drove off as fast as I could and headed straight for home.  There was no grocery store, no Origins to be had today.  I had little chance of surviving another outing with the three of them today, much less two.

Surely we've all learned a lesson here, right?  That's how the natural consequences work, which is why my parenting system is working out so fantastically, unless we're at a car wash. 

Bascially, bras are just as important to your brain as they are your breasts, and the car wash men aren't that friendly, so pay attention.

Have a wonderful, safe Thanksgiving! 

*******************************************************

And just so you know....


Pampered Chef BLACK FRIDAY SALE!!
The holidays are fast approaching! Why fight all the crowds when you can shop from your home, sipping coffee, while in your pajamas?
Beat the clock on my 1st annual Black Friday Sale and you might even win the host benefits!
Friday, November 23rd h
Between 6:00 AM and 10:00 AM

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There are three ways to order:
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to view our beautiful online catalog!!
For the sale discounts to apply you MUST email me, call me or online order between the specified hours. I will call to confirm and finalize your order total before the orders are placed.  The discounts will not show when you place your order, I will call you back to confirm your total.  Individual orders placed through my website MUST be entered be ordered as part of the BLACK FRIDAY show…be sure to put the words BLACK FRIDAY in as the host.

6:00 AM - 7:00 AM--Receive 20%
off anything from our catalog7:01 AM - 8:00 AM --Receive 15% off
8:01 AM – 10:00AM --Receive 10% offPAST HOSTS who had a show within the last year (12/1/11 – 11/30/12) will receive their 10% host discount in addition to this percentage!!
NOTES:
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  • Just place your order on my voice mail or in an email and receive a fabulous discount!
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2 comments:

Samantha said...

So by getting all wrapped up in your car wash story and wondering how on earth you got yourself a foster child in a matter of 30 min, I too was late in putting on a bra for thanksgiving with the inlaws, which in turn, made us late. Funny how things work out ;)

--loved this post! hope y'all had a great Turkey Day!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Well, the car is clean?
And the bra is the same for me. And I mean a REAL bra too, no sports bras.