I know, this is mean. I'm not mean though, right?
I have decided I'll just give you my Pampered Chef email, because it seems like it could be mildly entertaining and if you are here you might be bored. Are you bored?
You should be cooking. Too bad you aren't coming to my Pampered Chef party....or are you?
If you live in the Austin area, you should.
It might be fun. Or it might be lame. But there will be alcohol.
I promise to actually write soon.
Dear Pampered Chef Party Acceptor and/or Ignorer,
Congratulations! You have been elevated as one of my most favorite people on the planet by saying you will attend my Pampered Chef party and putting me one step closer to my coveted sharp knives. I just wanted to remind you that it's this Thursday night at 7:30 and it's going to be a JAM. Bring your A game people, because this is serious.
I have bought a bottle of Cristal for each of you and have arranged an appearance by JLo and P-Diddy, the two coolest people I know and regularly hang with late night.
Unfortunately, the last paragraph was a flat out lie.
I'm still excited to see you though!
Congratulations! You were invited by me to an awesome party that could change your life but you seem to be hesitating on your commitment. What are you doing? Why aren't you responding to my Pampered Chef party? Are you having a difficult time deciding whether or not a relaxing evening at my house with free wine, snacks, and tips on how to be a better cook/wife/mother/person of the world sounds good enough to say yes to?
Let me help you.
I know you might be concerned about the fact that my house is located near buffalo, donkeys, and Hutto, but this is really not something you should be worried about. The truth is this is a big opportunity for you. Buffalo are a vital part of a journey through life, ask any Native American and I think they can tell you the truth. No life is full without buffalo.
And donkeys? Donkeys are one of the most important animals for fighting wrinkles. Scientists aren't 100% sure how it works, but studies have shown that having a closer proximity to donkeys can actually erase fine lines. Estee Lauder has been trying to figure out how to include donkey's in their line for years now, but PETA is really a bitch to work through on this. This might sound fictitious, but I'm serious.
(Also, have seriously been around way too many children today, it may or may not be affecting my ability to make sense.)
You might be worried about snack options. There is nothing worse than putting on extra deodorant to go out at night, only to be met with tasteless, lame snacks, like popcorn or sesame sticks. (Not that there's anything inherently wrong with either one of them, I like them both, a lot, but I think we all know I'm classier than that after 5:00 pm.)
Fear not ladies, fear not.
I don't want to spoil any surprises or anything but today I bought cheese...and crackers. I could have just gone chips and salsa, it actually might pair better with the planned meal, but I think too highly of all of you to take the easy route.
I went complicated, I went cheese AND crackers. You might be thinking about cheese cubes or something pedestrian like that. Oh no, not out here by the life-giving buffalo. To give a hint, I did purchase some French cheese that rhymes with FREE, and some Spanish cheese. It's basically going to be an international dairy feast.
I even bought water crackers. You're probably thinking, "Leslie, you probably bought generic water crackers, that hardly counts." Which is true, these aren't Carr's, because I bought organic water crackers. That's how much I love you. I don't want to take any chances of serving any of you any pesticide laden crackers.
And more importantly, I bought almond crackers for all of my gluten challenged friends, because I am just that considerate.
(Lactose intolerant friends, I did not buy you any special cheese because that's too difficult. You can have some grapes. Sorry about your luck, brie is the best thing God ever invented.)
Now, I don't want to get you all excited this many days in advance, but if you are on the fence this might be the fact that tips you in the direction of "Hells YES!!!!"
I have boxed wine.
I know, you are probably trying to think of the last time you were invited to something this high brow. Or, perhaps you are trying to figure out if this was actually a black tie event. Box wine? I mean, I am clearly sparing no expense. It's not Franzia, I wasn't brave enough for that, but it is boxed and it will be spectacular. I promise.
I also have sparkling red blood orange Italian soda....just in case you fear the long, hard journey home after being out here near Hutto.
If none of that twists your arm, perhaps you will be interested in the large quantity of stolen Noonday goods I've lifted while working that I will be selling out of the back of my minivan to anyone purchasing a pizza cutter. I know it sounds cruel to steal from such a consciously good company, but really, what could be more important than a good turn out at a Pampered Chef party?
OK, that's a lie. There isn't any Noonday loot.
I once found a Hello Kitty lip gloss in Stella's stroller that we had inadvertently stolen from Old Navy TWO weeks prior, which costs a whopping $2.95 and I drove back and paid them for it. I'm just too honest to be a bad ass. It's a blessing and a curse.
The good news for you is that you are apparently friends with someone with a high moral code of conduct. Clearly I'm worth hanging out with, unless you were looking for some sort of partner in crime, then I'm probably not your gal...unless it involves meth, then my fascination might turn me.
Are you in? Are you scared?
This is awkward. Is this the first time you are hearing about this? Totally my oversight. I meant to invite you, obviously something snapped in my brain to make me forget. It's probably because I've been eating a lot of rice and I just got an article from my children's pediatrician about all the arsenic in rice. Stupid poison is making me be mean. I'm sure you understand.
So....want to come over and hang and talk about kitchen stuff? Yes?