Thursday, September 27, 2012

My Heart And All My Exasperation Return Soon

Remember last week when Stella and Alex had just departed for Greece

I felt nervous about being away from my daughter for 9 whole days. She's never left me for more than a few nights.  She's never been more than an hour away and suddenly I'm shipping her around the world without me.

I physically ached when I walked in to her room.  I cried when leaving the airport, even posting a heartfelt status updated on Facebook to truly depict the magnitude of my emotions.

"I just dropped my heart off at the airport."

Facebook really does allow us to show our true colors.

I still miss her.  I mean, how could you not miss this?

Cute, for sure.

I gotta tell you without a two year old is so much easier.

Sure, I laugh a little less.  Yes, I might spend less time snuggling.  Of course I haven't been singing anyone to sleep while they told me they loved me in the most adorable of tiny person voices while their little squishy hands rubbed my cheeks.

BUT, I haven't had to dress anyone, bathe anyone, wake in the middle of the night for anyone, pick up a screaming child in the middle of my errands and head home, stop fifty times while making dinner to pretend to eat fake food, or change a single diaper. It's so much less exhausting.

With the boys both gone four days a week, I have two days to work at Noonday, two days at home with no kids, and one day of activities with a kid present. 

(This week, I took that kid to get my nails done while he played my phone.  It totally worked and was awesome, though potentially really selfish.)

Have no doubt that I can't wait to see Stella and have her back with me in a lot of ways, but in a lot of ways I'm just happy to have some space.  I feel infinitely more sane, except for at night while I'm waiting for someone to stab Cole since I'm making him sleep in the stab-me-first spot while Alex is gone. I have time to balance some outside work, with blogging, with housework, with exercise, with errands, with watching Army Wives. 

I'm so well rounded now.

(I am losing a bit of my Breaking Bad edge though without my nightly episode I watch with Alex. Army Wives is even starting to seem super racy right now.)

I'm genuinely a bit concerned though folks.  Maybe I am simply a woman that needs more balance.  Maybe I'm not operating at my full potential when strapped with a two year old?  Maybe Stella is bringing me down? 

Or maybe it just feels nice to have a break. It feels really good to catch my breath.

You know what else is going to feel really good?

Snuggling with this...

And this....

Besides, I don't want Cole to get stabbed.  Alex needs to get back to protecting us all, but mostly me so I can sleep again.

Next week I'm sure I'll be back to posts of chaos and exasperation, but for the next two days I'm going to live it up.  I'm going to soak up every tantrum free minute.  I'm going to take the boys to movies, yogurt, and bike rides which are infinitely more challenging with Stella.  I'm going to sit and do nothing, absolutely nothing, in a house without any children during the day.

I'm going to love the gift of this space...and then get back to the chaos.  As it should be.


momnextdoor said...

She really is the most adorable just-want-to-eat-her-up little girl. Those pig tails kill me!!

Just think how wonderful it will be in two more years when she is 4 and going to school and, hopefully, not waking you up (as much) in the middle of the night. Ah, won't it be lovely.

Babe is 3 now and we are starting to approach the less stress zone. I must say, it's a glorious spot, even if we aren't fully there yet!

Tara said...

I'm right there with you - my husband has been gone for the week, and I have a hard time with my kids while he is gone.

I think sometimes about my friends with small kids and think about what I don't miss about mine being that little.

Enjoy your space, and remember, sooner or later you'll get more space.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Both hard, and wonderful, isn't it? Mothering is such a balance of the two!