Thursday, September 20, 2012

Home Is Currently Not Where Most of My Heart Is

Currently my heart is somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean.

At 7:00 this morning I dropped Alex and Stella off at the airport for their trip to Greece. 

I watched Alex carefully check and recheck his required items; backpack, stroller, suitcase, and little girl.  He looked different to me, wearing glasses and very tired eyes after a night of restless sleep worrying about traveling with a toddler on such a big trip.

Cole hugged Stella tightly and kept kissing her head. He was sure to tell her how much he loved her.  He was sure to tell her he would miss playing with her and he gave her an extra sticker he had stolen from her earlier. Even when she pushed her hand in his face to leave her, he pressed on with his goodbyes.

Cole gets love.  That boy is good at love.

I spent all morning at Noonday trying to strategize how I was going to purchase these two purses, because that seemed like the type of honorable and life altering work I should do as a part of an amazing, philanthropic organization like this.

Until I got this picture.

Oh yeah, my two year old daughter, whom is never out of my sight is playing in an airport in NYC just before she hops on a flight to Athens.  I'm not there. She's not here. 
Shouldn't I be freaking out?
It's strange and it's awesome and it's oddly scary in a way that I really don't understand why.
I mean, she still has her bow on, right?  Surely she's OK.
I wandered in to her room after I picked up the boys from school and cried.  Most likely because I'm getting ready to start and my emotions are all out of order, but my excuse was that the room felt too empty.  The whole house feels profoundly empty without her.
She breathes a whole lot of life in to this place, in to my life.  It feels a little dimmer without her.
This is going to be a good nine days though, I know it will be.
Cole, Aiden, and I have big plans of pizzas, a trip to the movies, a play downtown, even a sleepover  here with friends. Endless possibilities of focus on them and things that are too challenging to do with a two year old in tow.
For me, I know I'll get to relax a bit.  I get to have a break from the physical and constant demands of a two year old.  I get to go to bed without a monitor humming in my ear, or someone screaming for their pacifier.  I get to have four days a week without any children here.
I'm free....but it makes me a bit sad.
We'll see what these next days bring, but here is what I do know. 
I can't stop thinking about my husband.
He's gone a lot, but he thinks it is important to take his daughter half way around the world to meet her great-grandmother, regardless of how difficult it might be for him.  He couldn't stop talking about how excited he was for his Yia Yia to meet Stella.  I'm so grateful that the man I married loves like that. 
Sort of makes me sad all over again.  
Hormones people.
I think I should just order those bags, surely that will make me feel better about the fact that my world is floating at 40,000 feet until morning time, and I have no idea how they are doing.


Meagan @ The Clanahan Fam said...

Ohhh :( I kind of want to cry for you. I can't imagine sending one of mine overseas w/o me. You are a brave momma. And you have a brave husband. The prospect of just a 2 hour plane ride scares us : ) But I also think I would have the mixed emotions like you, part relief and part sadness. Like the days when just one of the twins are with me (rare) - I realize how much more I can get done and actually enjoy the child. But then my heart starts aching for the other one. We just can't win : )

Mel said...

I know these feelings; I suspect all of us mamas do to some degree. Wanting some space and time but not knowing quite how the pieces fit together once we get it. I hope the trip is lovely and that you and the boys enjoy your time together.

lcarp51 said...

Aww, I would buy a bag for you if I could. My girls just started all day school, 4 days a week. I know how you feel. I'm eyes to elbows in pink filled drama and then I'm alone. It's weird. I hope all goes well for you and everyone involved. :)

Judy Susan said...

I love your blog. I don't have time to read it all tonight, since of course you've been doing this as long as I have, but you stayed put in one place and I moved. but I promise to stalk you on a regular basis, until I get all caught up. cause I'm kinda weird like that.

Hello! I'm Kate. said...

I'd be freaking out, you seem to be handling it so well!

I'm now stalking your blog-loving what I see so far!