I don't like being here all the time. I don't enjoy serving my children and taking care of their every need. I don't like having to squeeze a few minutes, usually after bedtime, out of the day for myself so I can write this blog or regain my sanity. It's difficult for me. I'm sure it's difficult for a lot of people.
A few weeks ago I grabbed a beer and told my children to not harm one another, but most importantly not to come talk to me for at least five minutes while I sat on the driveway and drank and escaped for a few minutes.
|I was told by my friend Sabra that I look mean in this photo. |
I am visibly shaking at 5:00 sometimes, unable to handle another fight over Legos or tears over the unexplainable, and desperate to have a husband that doesn't work from before the kids are awake until well after they are in bed, leaving me to tackle everything here alone.
This is probably why I look like this while driving to work once a week.
Sidenote: Here are my current obsessions. You can find them here.
I'm developing a serious accessories condition....but it's so fun.
Before you think I'm a completely awful person for thinking I'd rather hang with jewelry than my own children, please know that I feel guilty about being so weighed down by all this. I feel inadequate as a Mom. Surely I should be giggling and smothering my children in kisses while folding laundry, cleaning the dog pee, containing a screaming child, and fixing dinner. Surely.
I don't giggle enough. I don't smother anyone in kisses all that often. I feel overwhelmed and angry and then I just feel guilty about it all. It's a super healthy and successful attitude.
I often think that God is trying to give me an opportunity to rise above it all, to find gratitude in the chaos....which every so often I do. I am not very consistent though and this is probably why God is still working on me. I have much, much to learn.
There is a lot to be grateful for around here.
I tend to think of Anna's perspective in even the smallest of challenges as forever changed, that after losing her son, she has now elevated above me in her existence somehow. Her profound tragedy must surely give her a never ending supply of gratitude for her daughter whom is still with her, and the simple joys of just being alive.
For some reason, selfishly, this post of hers from earlier in the month gave me so much grace.
Please read it here.
Maybe I'm not a bad person for feeling annoyed by it all from time to time, maybe it just makes me a person. That isn't to say that I shouldn't keep working on finding peace in the chaos, but maybe I shouldn't be adding profound guilt on top of it all too?