Monday, June 25, 2012

Fifty Shades of Please Don't Tell My Mom I'm Reading Porn: Part II

I'm done.  It's finally over.

I've read all three Fifty Shades of Grey. 

I might be less intelligent now.  It's possible that I am slightly more informed on a seedy, dark world of sexual misfits that I probably was better off for not knowing they existed. I am definitely ready to give you my thoughts on the entire series and be done with these books.  

(Unless any of you want to discuss them in detail later and ponder what the heck is going on in these stories, then I'd be happy to open up the floodgates of thoughts I have.  But only for you.)

Flat out truth:  I loved it.

Yes, the writing is crap and the author seriously needs to find some new adjectives, but I really wanted to know what happened to these crazy kids.  I find this book hilarious in it's absurdity, passionate in their psychotic love for one another, and inspiring.

That's right, I called Fifty Shades of Grey inspiring...but not in the way you are probably thinking.

OK, a little in how you are thinking. It's possible Alex likes this book too, but mostly, like any romance I read, it serves as a wonderful reminder of how fun it is to be in love.  I'm talking about the crazy for one another, butterflies in your stomach when you see them, can't take your hands off one another sort of love. 

(Please note that I do not mention inspiration from the tie you up and handcuff you sort of love.  I'm just not in to that, no matter how many times I read Fifty Shades of Anything.)

I feel fortunate to be someone that is nuts-o for my husband, but you see we have these little people that tend to suck all of our time and energy so that instead of feeling butterflies when I see him walk in the door, I feel filled with rage that he got to be away from the torture our kids have been inflicting on me all day.  I feel jealous when he sits down and talks to them and plays with them, because I've been waiting all the live long day for someone to care for just a moment about me. 

I'm zapped of anything I have to give and feel I'm searching to find a bit of something for myself, much less anything to show my husband that I do think he's fantastic, in spite of his inability to EVER put the creamer back in the refridgerator. 

Seriously. Every. Single. Day. I mean, he takes it out of the fridge, surely he knows that's where it is kept?   Possibly the chemical engineering department at The University of Texas skipped the section on how dairy foods rot if not kept cold?  Someone explain this to me!
I'm totally at peace with it though, as you can tell, because I love him.

Was I talking about a book?

Oh yes, I loved the whole series because ultimately I love a love story, especially because I'm someone in love.  Does that make cheesy sense?

Was I creeped out at times?  Yes, yes I was. 

Was I disgusted by this woman's seeming lack of self respect at times?  Absolutely. 

Did I abhor Christen Grey and all his issues while simultaneously imagining myself in his Charlie Tango helicopter making out with him?  Of course.

DISCLAIMER:  If you haven't read all the books and you don't want to know how anything turns out, wait to read this post because I'm going to talk about the specifics now. 

Here's my new top 10 observations about this series in all of it's absurdity.

1. Someone please explain to Ana that peeing in front of your husband is light years less intimate than having him rip your tampon out and throw it accross the room. 

2. The helicopter crash, the dance auction, the topless sunbathing rage....oh Lord, annoying.

3. What was with the electric charge between the two of them every time they got in the elevator?  This didn't happen in the car.  Could they have some sort of inner ear problems with the increase in elevation as they ascended or descended?  I think they need an ENT.

4. Ana pulls off a money drop for a kidnapping?  Seriously?  I felt ashamed to be reading the book at this point and almost stopped reading entirely...but I didn't of course because I had to hear how Christian handled everything afterwards. You understand.

5. I can handle Christian tying Ana up and such, but telling her not to go to the bathroom before sex?  Cruel. Doesn't he know what a urinary tract infection feels like?  Shouldn't Ana have one anyway from all this action by now?  Can we get the girl to a urologist?

6. The crazy sex near the end of her pregnancy?  Yeah right.  Has this author every carried a child?  Is she trying to make a point that these people are seriously sexually damaged that they are still cool with everything at this point?  Doesn't Ana have hemmroids?  How about those bulging veins from the weight of the baby?  Isn't she peeing her pants when she coughs, much less does rigorous physical activity?  Insane. Any intercourse just before the baby comes out is purely in an effort to spur on labor. There is no joy to be had, especially if a flogger is involved.  (Not that I really know what that is, but nothing else should be involved at all.)

7. I fear this book might have desperate single girls out searching for an emotionally disturbed rich dude to boss them around and own them.  Spread the word ladies, this is poor search criteria.

8. Why do they have to call one another Mr. and Mrs. Grey?  It hurt my head.

9. I don't understand how this is going to be a movie, but speculation about the future actor and actress for it abound and talk of the future film is all over the internet.  Is NC-17 still a rating? Can we all agree that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison are impossible? Could I possibly watch something like this?  Not sure.

10. The ending of this series was beyond unbelievable.  The author should have just drawn a picture of a rainbow at the end, possibly with a unicorn.  I'm not buying that a couple with this many issues is all of a sudden so "normal."  Maybe we could check in a few years down the road and infidelity and drug use could have crept in?  Something.

I'm off to delete this book series from my iPad so there isn't a chance of my children getting ahold of it from me.  I plan to wrap these books up for Stella and give them to her as a wedding gift, but not a day earlier. 

Definitely let me know what you thought of the series if you've read it!


Anonymous said...

I am SO happy you've educated me so that I don't have to ever read them! And #7 - totally! What the hell? It's like everyone acting like the characters on The Hills a few years ago.

Kmama said...

I really didn't like Book 3 much at all, and you basically hit all the reasons for my dislike of that book.

I cannot wait to see who they cast for the characters. The casting of Christian Grey will make or break the movie. And if they even THINK about Robert Pattinson, I will start a petition against it. ;-)

Just A Normal Mom said...

My big admission: I didn't even know there was more than one book. Does that make me lame?