There is just so much to say.
If you haven't been living in a cave recently, then you are aware of the book trilogy which has captured the hearts (?), minds (?), wild loins (?) of women all over, Fifty Shades of Grey by author E.L. James.
If you have been living in a cave then you might think this is a novel about a cutting edge artist whom has discovered a myriad of ways to blend and create new colors to express his emotions, you would be wrong. You would be really, really wrong. There is an art show mentioned though.
I recently started this series after becoming fascinated with everyone else's fascination. (I'm truly an individual, never being swayed by the crowd.) To be honest I thought the plot sounded a bit disturbing and the excerpt I read online was cheesy, not overly well written, and trying way too hard.
But, after listening to one of my friends go on and on about how she couldn't put it down, had been so wrapped up in it she was reading it on her iPhone at stop lights, and it had made some....improvements so to speak in her relationship with her husband, I felt like I had to read it.
If you don't know what it's about, essentially a sexually naive and possibly brain damaged, young woman, whom has recently graduated from college meets a 27 year old billionaire with a sexually perverse lifestyle and psychotically controlling approach to...everything and they work on falling in love.
Oh yeah, and they do it.
They do it all the time.
There is a lot of detail.
Now, I'm no stranger to a love scene. I read the Thornbirds, and I watch the Bachelor and Bachelorette...including Ben and Courtney's season with the skinny dipping, but this was a bit of a shock.
Since my parents read this blog, I can say that as someone who has had sex three brief and purposeful times, the sex stuff wasn't all that shocking by itself. There are some seriously baffling things going on in this book though from a sexual and emotional standpoint. Here's my top ten baffling things about these books so far...I am sure there will be more once I finish.
1. Why do these people only drink white wine? I'm not opposed to white wine, but this man is a sexual freak who should be periodically engaging in a heavy red. Anyone else bothered by this?
2. I need to find out what some of these things are in the book, but I fear I'll be arrested if I start plugging them in to a search engine. Could one of my more perverted friends please block 15 minutes of your time for me to ask you some gross questions? I promise to never write about them on this blog Mom.
3. Ana's first time having sex....ummm, yeah, that doesn't happen. Attention all virgins, readjust your expectations by speaking to all your sexually active friends prior to any "relations."
4. There is a ridiculous overuse of the word wanton and I almost need to stop reading the whole thing in protest...but this is way too captivating to stop so I'll endure it.
5. I have spent hours now in front of the mirror trying to bite my lip so it appears sexy, given this is one of the number one things that Mr. Grey can't resist. How is this working? I think I'm developing a canker sore from excessive lip abuse. Is that sexy?
6. Why does Grey use his nose to caress her so much? When I think nose, I think snot. Am I missing out on nose fondling?
7. Am I the only person annoyed by Ana's inner goddess constantly being described as performing different Olympic feats from gymnastics, skiing, and figure skating in relation to her new found sexual prowess. We get it, the girl has skills, the athletic comparisons make me uncomfortable.
8. I am fully ready for both Ana and Grey to stop gasping when they see one another naked. I mean really, once you've been doing it as much as these two for a few weeks, it seems the gasp is a bit overdone. Are they surprised every single time?
9. How am I going to hide this book from my daughter until after she's married?
10. I would like to insert a 6, 4, and 2 year old in to this couple's lives and see how things shake out. I'm just saying.
Am I the only one that is obsessed and can't stop thinking about this ridiculous book?
I'd appreciate any answers you can offer. I haven't been this baffled/infatuated with a book since Twilight and I am frankly embarrassed because it's just so awful....but I can't stop.
Fear not though Mom, if you are still reading, I'm putting myself on a strict diet of classic literature after this.
(I also skim all the sex scenes, I mostly just want to figure out how this all works out, mostly. )
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