Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Fifty Shades of Please Don't Tell My Mom I'm Reading Porn

I finally took the plunge. I'm reading Fifty Shades of Grey. 

There is just so much to say.

If you haven't been living in a cave recently, then you are aware of the book trilogy which has captured the hearts (?), minds (?), wild loins (?) of women all over, Fifty Shades of Grey by author E.L. James.

If you have been living in a cave then you might think this is a novel about a cutting edge artist whom has discovered a myriad of ways to blend and create new colors to express his emotions, you would be wrong.  You would be really, really wrong.  There is an art show mentioned though.

I recently started this series after becoming fascinated with everyone else's fascination.  (I'm truly an individual, never being swayed by the crowd.)  To be honest I thought the plot sounded a bit disturbing and the excerpt I read online was cheesy, not overly well written, and trying way too hard.

But, after listening to one of my friends go on and on about how she couldn't put it down, had been so wrapped up in it she was reading it on her iPhone at stop lights, and it had made some....improvements so to speak in her relationship with her husband, I felt like I had to read it.

If you don't know what it's about, essentially a sexually naive and possibly brain damaged, young woman, whom has recently graduated from college meets a 27 year old billionaire with a sexually perverse lifestyle and psychotically controlling approach to...everything and they work on falling in love. 

Oh yeah, and they do it. 

They do it all the time. 

There is a lot of detail.

Now, I'm no stranger to a love scene.  I  read the Thornbirds, and I watch the Bachelor and Bachelorette...including Ben and Courtney's season with the skinny dipping, but this was a bit of a shock.

Since my parents read this blog, I can say that as someone who has had sex three brief and purposeful times, the sex stuff wasn't all that shocking by itself.  There are some seriously baffling things going on in this book though from a sexual and emotional standpoint.  Here's my top ten baffling things about these books so far...I am sure there will be more once I finish.

1. Why do these people only drink white wine?  I'm not opposed to white wine, but this man is a sexual freak who should be periodically engaging in a heavy red.  Anyone else bothered by this?

2. I need to find out what some of these things are in the book, but I fear I'll be arrested if I start plugging them in to a search engine.  Could one of my more perverted friends please block 15 minutes of your time for me to ask you some gross questions?  I promise to never write about them on this blog Mom.

3. Ana's first time having sex....ummm, yeah, that doesn't happen.  Attention all virgins, readjust your expectations by speaking to all your sexually active friends prior to any "relations."

4. There is a ridiculous overuse of the word wanton and I almost need to stop reading the whole thing in protest...but this is way too captivating to stop so I'll endure it. 

5. I have spent hours now in front of the mirror trying to bite my lip so it appears sexy, given this is one of the number one things that Mr. Grey can't resist.  How is this working?  I think I'm developing a canker sore from excessive lip abuse. Is that sexy?

6. Why does Grey use his nose to caress her so much?  When I think nose, I think snot.  Am I missing out on nose fondling?

7.  Am I the only person annoyed by Ana's inner goddess constantly being described as performing different Olympic feats from gymnastics, skiing, and figure skating in relation to her new found sexual prowess.  We get it, the girl has skills, the athletic comparisons make me uncomfortable.

8. I am fully ready for both Ana and Grey to stop gasping when they see one another naked.  I mean really, once you've been doing it as much as these two for a few weeks, it seems the gasp is a bit overdone. Are they surprised every single time? 

9. How am I going to hide this book from my daughter until after she's married?

10.  I would like to insert a 6, 4, and 2 year old in to this couple's lives and see how things shake out.  I'm just saying.

Am I the only one that is obsessed and can't stop thinking about this ridiculous book? 
I'd appreciate any answers you can offer.  I haven't been this baffled/infatuated with a book since Twilight and I am frankly embarrassed because it's just so awful....but I can't stop. 

Fear not though Mom, if you are still reading, I'm putting myself on a strict diet of classic literature after this. 

(I also skim all the sex scenes, I mostly just want to figure out how this all works out, mostly. )

Linking up to Shell's Pour Your Heart Out.  Check it out!


22 comments:

The Preppy Girl in Pink said...

I haven't read it yet. I'm surprised my drink club...oops! I mean book club hasn't thrown it into the mix yet. Most of my friends have read it but really, do I want to read something that will make me want to better my relationship with my husband? I'm already exhausted at night ;-)

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

Hah, love your observations. I read until page-I-don't-know-what and just had to stop. I was breathless.

From the terrible writing, not the sex. :) I figure if I want to read smut, I may as well spend time reading well-written smut instead of this drivel clearly written by a teenager hidden in a woman's body.

Cathy said...

I was planning to read it but never got around to it. Sounds like a classic romance novel with some extra garnish.

Unfortunately there are a lot of pathetic romance novels, but the few good ones more than make up for it.

The Bonny Bard said...

This is hilarious! I particularly agree with number 9. Gasp! Oh, sorry, just can't stop gasping. At anything. I wrote a review last week, and though mine was way, way meaner the sentiment, I believe is the same.
Linking to it, let me know what you think!
http://thebonnybard.com/2012/06/15/fifty-shades-of-do-you-need-me-to-get-you-a-thesaurus/

Leighannn said...

I'm so glad you wrote this.. And I found you!!!
I just finished the first book and was hoping someone would blog about the ridiculous over use of silly words (oh my).
But I still loved it.
Just like I loved twilight.
And the hunger games.
Also? I love your writing!!!

Missy said...

My friend is begging me to read it, but I just can't. Your post has been highly entertaining and helpful though. At least now I can kind of carry on a conversation about it, since that seems to be the only thing my friends care about right now!

January Dawn said...

I have yet to read this though it seems everyone else around me has read it or is reading it. I (slyly - so no one would see me) picked it up to scan the first couple of pages at Chapters the other week. The writing made me cringe so I didn't buy it. But all this hoopla has made me think about reconsidering. Hmmm.

Ilene, The Fierce Diva Guide to Life said...

I read it for the same reason as you - I was fascinated with other people's fascination with it - but all in all, has the same gripes as you. Yeah, I can't get myself to look sexy either with I bite my lip. What's up with that?

Andrea (ace1028) said...

Oh, this was absolute perfection.

You had me at hello. Or this line, really: "essentially a sexually naive and possibly brain damaged, young woman, " I think I snorted a giggle. Bwahaha!

I love you. I adore you. Yes, you!

And seriously - I hated the book. I mean the writing was awful, but this post was perfection. I'm not understanding the addiction and I will not read books 2+3, though I almost want to so I can make fun of them like I have the first. But I won't do it.

And the Oh my, the inner goddess? The not-ever-having-had sex til now? Not buying it. Ana's got some secrets of her own. She must. Otherwise she's boring as all hell.

Thank you. And nice to meet you. Can we be new best friends? :P

Angel Shrout said...

BWHAHAHA I have yet to read it and no desire to. Perhaps because I write an erotica blog as well. So if you have questions I am pretty sure I have answers for ya.
This cracked me up.

Shell said...

I haven't read it yet, though now I sort of want to, just for a laugh!

in the coop said...

It was picked for my book club, so I had to read it. I hated it. Besides the overuse of "gasp", they did a whole lot of muttering and mumbling, too. The only parts I did like were the emails they wrote back and forth. There was some actual wit in those. Great post!

Christy said...

I haven't read these books but this post made me laugh! I've been wondering what the fuss is all about with these books. I totally agree that they should add some kids and then see how that works out for them. Haha!

Tiffany said...

Thank you thank you thank you! I thought I was the only one who hasn't read it, or is reading it. I read the summary of the book on my Kindle and then read some reviews. One of them went on so long about the horrible writing and I was thankful for it. Personally I really didn't find the need to read some porn, despite every one of my friends gushing over it. I still don't feel like I am missing out on much.

Heather said...

Obviously I have issues becuase I just have a smidge more of Book 3 to finish.

I may have laughed out loud at your description of Ana, she is unique!

I know I know the writing is horrible and there are some rather unbelievable plot twists and well some of the characters are a little annoying, but I can't put it down. And I am reader.

I think Book 2 is my favorite. And yes everyone in my neck of the woods is totally obsessed with the books!

Mel said...

Hah! Love that your first concern is the wine choice. I have committed to steadfastly boycotting this book series so I won't become unintentionally obsessed with what most people have described as drivel. So far I've succeeded...

Kmama said...

I really liked the series. I read them in no time. Though, the writing drove me bonkers. The author used the same phrases over and over and over again. It was beyond irritating.

Adrienne said...

Funny! I haven't broken down and read them. I'm still on the fence.

Melanie said...

Ha! Love this! I am reading the first book now because it seemed like many women were fascinated by this book and I was curious to know: why?

Yes, it's hooked me in though I was thrown off in the beginning because of the writing -- it didn't gel for me in places so I now I choose to look past the cheesy phrases and reactions by Ana. Makes the reading a bit more enjoyable.

Great post! Nice to meet you! Visiting from Shell's.

Anonymous said...

I totally love this. My favorite is when you wrote about the first time Ana has "relations." I read that and thought the same thing!!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Am I going to have to read this? I was feeling like you, and am starting to waver...

Henry Smith said...

I can say that as someone who has had sex three brief and purposeful times, the sex stuff wasn't all that shocking by itself Ortho Micronor. There are some seriously baffling things going on in this book though from a sexual and emotional standpoint.