Monday, May 14, 2012

There Goes My Mind Again

After being the primary caregiver to all the kids for the majority of the weekend, Alex summed up our current feelings toward our children in one statement last night. 

"With as much time as you are forced to be with our kids, I don't understand how you don't completely hate them."

This statement brought me great joy.  My current frustration with this role was finally validated.

I normally wouldn't have felt such a need for validation, but last Thursday night I had been hysterically crying while storming around the kitchen, screaming things at Alex like, "I can't do this anymore.  I'm done. They are too much by myself all the time.  I want to leave." 

The whole scene just really started the Mother's Day Weekend off right. 

Alex had just stared at me.  He never said a word.

He was probably a bit frightened of me, which was a very appropriate response.

Most likely he was extra terrified because he had just gotten home and really just wanted to  know what was for dinner so he could just eat because he was starving.  He's too smart to have asked. I saw him poking under foil, opening doors to all potential food holding devices, even checking the microwave to be sure he didn't miss something. 

He didn't talk to me all night.  He knew I had tipped over to the dark side and probably assumed what I needed more than anything was just a chance to not have to take care of anything.  I needed a little space. 

He was wrong. I really wanted him to tell me he'd come home before they were all in bed more often.  I wanted him to ask me how he can help.  I wanted him to help me figure out a solution of some sort, some way to help me not feel so insane and overwhelmed and angry. 

I wanted  him to suggest that he and I fly to Barbados and pretend the kids just didn't exist for a while.

I also assume he was desperately rethinking Mother's Day, knowing some HEB flowers and the kids coloring a card wouldn't be enticing enough to calm my apparent rage and guarantee I would actually still be around when he got home from work Monday night so he didn't have to be alone with them all day, every day.  Forever.

He's an intelligent man, so he came home early Friday and essentially took over the kids after that.  I left Saturday morning to meet with a behavioral therapist for Cole, (Yeah!,) and then spent the day getting my hair cut and colored, my fingernails done, and indulging in the rare and blissful treat of a pedicure and frozen yogurt with my friend Jessica.  Girlfriends make everything better.

I topped the day off by having our babysitter come so Alex and I could go out to dinner.  It was a fantastic, much needed break from life with my kids.  I felt like an actual person and didn't yell or feel like stabbing anyone all day long.  It was so strange.

Then Mother's Day came.  I essentially believe my Mother's Day was on Saturday.  Spending Sunday around my children, regardless of my husband's involvement and efforts to make it nice for me, was so draining.  They don't yet grasp the concept of a day for someone else. They are incessant in their requests, activity, complaints, and chatter.  They are so very present and all consuming.

The break helped though.  I think it helped a lot.  I feel slightly more sane, and even handled Cole's freak outs today better than usual, even when he knocked over my bedroom chair. 

I didn't cry once today. 

That's huge.

I have my high school girls' weekend this upcoming Friday-Sunday in Indiana and there is not another weekend of the year that I look forward to more.  I can not wait. 

To amplify the excitement, my Mom has generously booked a flight to come back to Texas with me for a little while.

Losing your mind has it's perks.

A huge shout out to my Mom for being willing to spontaneously plan a trip to Austin and take on my three children with me.  Just knowing that she is coming brings me great comfort.  Moms are the best....but apparently you don't know this until you've pissed them off for years. 

My apologies for Mother's Day 1977-1995 to my Mom. 

My Mother's Day 2032 is going to be the best!


Kimberly said...

I'm feeling the same way about my own darlings right now. Not the new one, really. He still has that new baby smell, and that is enough to make me forgive him for getting me up every hour to nurse. But Trin and Gabe have been terrors lately. I blame the warm weather, but who knows. I know I've raised my voice entirely too much for my liking this weekend. Sigh.

Hopefully the behavioral therapist can help you with Cole. And I'm glad your husband realizes how much freaking WORK it is to deal with kids all day. Sounds like you had a nice "day off." Glad you got to get away for a bit.

Cynthia Meents said...

I cannot tell you the number of times I've apologized to my mom for my entire childhood. I started apologizing when Alyssa was about 4 and didn't quit apologizing until...well, let's say recently.

I'm glad you had a little break and a little understanding.

Maggie May said...

This is just awesome. Great writing, and hells yes! I get it. xo

in the coop said...

I can't tell you the number of times my husband came home to see that his wife had been replaced by a raging lunatic. I'm glad you are getting to take some breaks away from all of the neediness of the little ones. Those breaks are so important for everyone's well-being.
Have loads of fun in Indiana.
And yes, it is wonderful when Mom comes to the rescue, isn't it. I love it when my mom comes for a visit.

Mel said...

Have fun here in the Hoosier land! I am glad your freak out earned you some well-deserved time to yourself. As your therapist (right?), I recommend you write some of that time into your regularly scheduled programming so that you don't need to reach maximum capacity before you get it.

Anonymous said...

I can't tell you how much I enjoy your blog. I have 3 kids ages 2, 4, and 6 and I can totally relate to just about everything you write. You make me feel a bit less crazy and even help me get a good laugh, which can be rare some days. Don't stop writing!

January Dawn said...

Oh you ever sound like me when I'm full of rage. I get it Leslie. I totally do. My husband just got back from 2 weeks of travelling (for work) and I was in no way happy to SEE him - only happy that I had his help - however little it may be somedays. That sounds terrible doesn't it? But now? I'm feeling much better. I'm so glad you do too. Breaks with our gf's are so needed and we don't take them often enough do we? Also I really hope that the behaviour therapist can help you figure some things out with Cole. Best of luck to you...sending positive vibes your way!

Sara said...

Those breakdowns happen for me at least once a week. I always vow to go to work full time, or more, overtime?? (I currently work part time) I listen to Kelly Clarkson's "stronger" a lot. Love it.

Crystal said...

Like x400!!!! Were we separated at birth, maybe? I think I could have written this post.

StrongerMe said...

Once when my kids were younger, my husband asked me if I could possibly make it through ONE weekday morning without yelling at the kids. I yelled, "Apparently not!"
Getting kids up and assembled and into the car for school requires the presence of a drill sargeant. And since we don't have one living in our house, the duty is mine.