Tuesday, May 15, 2012

My J.O.B. Demands

This is the text I received from my friend Scott yesterday.

"What is going on with u...I feel something is "off"

Despite his offensive text spelling and punctuation, which makes me wonder how we went to the same high school, he is totally correct. Something is seriously "off" with me.

Yesterday I even felt apathetic about watching the season premiere of The Bachelorette, almost opting out entirely.  Clearly that is symptom worth medicating or listing on a form of some kind.

Fear not though people, I was 110% on board once I saw the man with the bobble heads, the creepy man dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, and the dude with the jam box. 

Can I call it a jam box in 2012?  It still feels right.

By the way, I love the water CEO and the former NFL player as of right now.

Over the years many people have suggested I get a part time job to have a break from the kids.  I have long loved this suggestion, but in reality it's challenging to find a part time job that pays enough to cover child care, is willing to hire my skill-less self, and will work within my time restraints.  I've prayed many a prayer for something to sort of fall in to my lap that fits when the time is right.

Remember my normal sounding pedicure and yogurt friend from yesterday's post, Jessica?  She's actually the founder and co-owner of a really cool company that I've probably only mentioned 6,000 times so you might not remember, Noonday Collection

She casually suggested I should come to her office and help ship packages and stuff. 

After a quick conversation from my other life-giving friend Jessica, who watches my kids, I was pulling out my old pantsuits and slipping on my power high heels.  This might sound odd because I would just be shipping stuff, but it felt good to reminisce about the days of employment.

Noonday Jessica's sweet friend and coworker Renee, who handles such messes like myself, emailed me the details and offered to send me a job description.  The truth is, the job description could say anything and I'm game, but I felt it was a good idea for me to come up with my own list of requirements for any position I fill. 

I was just about to email it to Renee, but thought I should share it here first in case you think I should add anything else.  All additional suggestions are welcome.

Leslie's Workplace Requirements:

  • Under no circumstances will I be required to escort any one under the age of 15 to the grocery store, at any time, regardless of the number of items needing to be purchased.

  • I am responsible solely for my own bowel movements and can not participate in any way, shape, or form with the dealings of any other individual's poop.  No exceptions.

  • Long descriptions of any of the following will be forbidden in my presence: action sequences of fictitious ninjas, conversations between two people under the age of 5 about farts, acts of physical violence performed against someone by someone that can't yet speak, or toy hopes and dreams that one fears will never come true. 

  • My workspace must be free of screaming.  Even joyful screaming will not be permitted.  If said screaming does per chance occur, I can not be held liable in a court of law for any acts of discipline I involuntarily attempt to implement.

  • I do not tie shoes other than my own, and even that is not ideal.  I would like to formally request someone be assigned to tie my shoes.  This feels reasonable.

  • I am never in charge of snacks, or food preparation of any kind, unless alcohol is involved. 

  • For religious reasons, I can not be asked to push anyone, for any reason, on the swings.  I am willing to watch from a safe distance.

  • No crayons or washable markers.  Permanent markers only.  I prefer the brand name, Sharpie.

  • Any music played within my workspace must be free from themes of animals, alphabets, skipping, and all flowers and plants of any kind.

  • All questions requiring me to explain any of the following; time, death, sex, or any expression such as "it's raining cats and dogs," or "I'm sexy and I know it," will result in my immediate resignation.

  • All my personal trips to the bathroom will be done without the accompaniment of any coworkers, coworkers family members or friends, or pets that are suddenly welcome at the office that day.  I pee alone.

These demands are, of course, non-negotiable. 

I'll keep you all posted to see if things actually pan out, but the entire idea of going to such an amazing workplace, where really impactful work is being done, even once a week, makes me breathe a little easier. 

Where would I be with out the Jessica's in my life? 

Thank you both for helping to try to keep me sane, Lord knows I need it.


lcarp51 said...

How about, "Don't ask me to see pictures of my children. When I am at work I am so focused that I forget I have a family."


Tell them you don't participate in Take Your Child to Work Day.

lcarp51 said...

Congrats, by the way! Good friends make life amazing!

in the coop said...

Perhaps, "The workspace will be neat and tidy. Nothing will be left on the floor for you to step on or over or pick up. You will not clean up other people's messes."
Enjoy your adult time each week.

Little Bird said...

At no point will Legos be allowed in the office.

momnextdoor said...

Congratulations on the new job! And I believe pearls are also acceptable attire to ship packages. Oh, and probably getting your hair done at the salon once a week. Just sayin. (Maybe you can find another friend Jessica who does hair?)

And I have to agree with Little Bird...definitely no legos!

Seriously though! This is awesome! Congrats!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Do you have anything in there about them not spilling/wiping crap on you? I mean, a woman should not have to get her pantsuit full of ketchup, right?!

Anonymous said...

you are seriously hilarious! i hope your employment experience has met all your expectations! i'm glad to report that we did officially meet one of your requirements - we do have sharpies in the office. :) you have been a wonderful help and a joy to work with. yay for work!!!