Stella and I went to the park last Friday with my friend Jennifer. Stella roams the park, completely apathetic about me and my whereabouts, while Jennifer and I chat about forty different topics broken into 3 minute segments, never once concluding our discussion on anything.
It's the way we do conversations as Moms. It's an acquired taste.
While we were sitting on a grassy area discussing the problems of excess in our lives, we are very conscientious, a woman walked by with her very tiny baby boy, chasing an almost two year old little boy. I casually said, "oh look at that tiny baby!" The woman looked and me and essentially sniffed/sighed with a look of exasperation.
I took the liberty of re-enacting this situation with me playing the woman, Alex playing me, and our new dog Bea acting as the baby. I figured this way you would know exactly what I was talking about and it might make you feel better to see someone (me) look like an idiot for a few seconds. I am so nice.
I told you I would look like an idiot for you.
(More idiocy coming soon: Me dancing to xBox's Dance Party III.*)
I assume this woman's reaction was a result of annoyance, exasperation, and a general feeling of "Yeah, tiny baby that has jacked my life. Super cute. Why did I have these two small children so close together?!?!? Why did I think it would be a good idea to unleash the walking one so I can chase it with this tiny, fragile one? I hate that smug lady drinking her Starbucks and chatting with her friend on the grass. Does she even have a kid here? I bet it's the little two year old stealing all the sand toys and pointing in her mouth obsessively about her gum. I need a glass of wine. I wonder if there is an eHow on making meth."
I can assume all of this because I've been there. I have so been there.
As I thought about this woman's annoyance at her tiny baby, my mind naturally drifted to Eleanor Roosevelt. I mean, when doesn't it?
You know how Eleanor thought everything could be fixed with a large kale smoothie? No?
I swear it was her that said, "No kale...No joy."
Kale solves everything. Actually, kale really solves very little except possibly constipation and fights some toxins so it could prevent cancer, but that lady doesn't care about toxins right now.
As Eleanor was whispering in my ear, I knew what I had to do. I had to write that poor Mom a recipe-ish for my kale smoothie.
Dear Sniff/Sigh Mom,
I know you probably don't remember me. I'm just one of the masses of people commenting on your baby and annoying you at the park last week. I don't know you at all, but this aspect of your life, I get.
I totally get it.
I know you are fighting exhaustion and wondering how you ended up dealing with so much poop and chaos when a few short years ago you were able to order cocktails while dining out and jump without peeing yourself. Those days are gone sister, but there can be joy-ish again.
Let's be clear, it won't be real soon, but joy will surely happen...just don't have any more babies for a little while. I assume this isn't on your mind anyway, but I thought it was important to point out.
Also, since I don't know you, it's probably important to point out that having sex is what gets you babies. I feel like I need to be thorough in case you are someone that thinks you can just pray and not get pregnant. Or possibly you are involved in the making of some Lifetime Movie and you think you can't get pregnant if you sneeze after sex, or you are nursing, or if you are in a pool, or any other fun myths floating around impregnating people.
If you are involved in the making of a Lifetime Movie, maybe about postpartum depression, I think I could do a bang up job in a walk on role such as nurse, judgemental lady at grocery store, supportive/unsupportive friend, or really anything. I am relatively bored here at home and being part of a made for TV movie would up the excitement between preschool pick-up and waiting for the school bus.
I'll let you think about that, but for now I think I can help you with your overwhelming sense of frustration about your current situation.
Your first mistake was not having both children strapped down or enclosed in some sort of cage.
Wait, did I say cage? I meant, safe enclosure.
There is lots of fun to be had at Gymboree (not the clothing store), jumping places with blocked off toddler areas, and your car. I'm not kidding, my oldest used to play in the car for hours while I nursed, rocked, or cried with his baby brother just outside the vehicle. Good times.
Your second mistake is that you didn't drink a kale smoothie. Or maybe you did, but it works better for the format of this blog-letter if you didn't.
I figure if you were drinking some kale and could restrict the area of movement for both your kids, you might be really excited about life. I also recently had a fantastic experience with a very nice witch doctor that I think might be able to help you....I'll send you his information.
Given your expression at the park, you probably are thoroughly annoyed by my ramblings now. It's possible you think a kale smoothie sounds nasty and you are just going to give up on me, but that would be wrong. There's ginger in it so it must be good.
Unless you don't like ginger because you hate Asian cuisine, in which case I would again recommend the witch doctor. If you hate ginger you probably have some deep seeded issues, like you won't go to Costco on Saturdays or hate magazines, two things I find impossible to make sense of in case you were wondering what the hell those were about.
Clearly I've angered you in your exhausted state. Let's get to it.
Here's what you need.
1 lemon (small) peeled
1 orange (large) peeled
1 green apple, quartered
1 kiwi peeled - (optional - if you hate New Zealand and all of Asia)
1 1-2 inch piece of ginger, peeled (try to be nice to Asian cuisine, did it every hurt you?)
4 or 5 pitted dates
3-4 kale leaves
2 cups ice
I use a VitaMix to make this and I probably love that blender more than my children.
(I said there would be joy in future, I didn't say it would be constant.)
If you think you are at all interested in blending up vegetables and fruits to make your food, run to the store to buy this. I assume you will make just enough off your made for TV movie to pay for it.
You are probably wondering about the origin of this recipe. Yes?
Or maybe you want to throw something at me, I understand. I'm going to tell you anyway.
My friend Sabra, who looks just enough like someone from a Ralph Lauren ad to intimidate you, but is actually really nice, started me on this recipe with some green lemonade drink she allegedly makes every morning. She uses a juicer and tried to tell me her daughters beg her for it like it's ice cream, but I think she might be a liar...unless she forgot to tell me she serves it with ice cream.
I tried it her way and it was rough for me.
(She also has a little difficulty comprehending the use of the word smoothie here, but I think it has to be a smoothie if I'm blending up whole foods, not just juicing. Can we just agree that I'm right and that Sabra should just stick to intimidating people with her good looks and then surprising people with her kindness?)
I feel I might be losing you, hold on.
Then, I talked to my neighbor Sue and she said she adds dates to her kale drinks.
Throw in an orange, kiwi, and some ice and it's genius!
I'm basically tell you I'm a genius for adding an orange and some ice, and sometimes a kiwi.
You can adjust the amount of ginger or add another fruit, like I threw in some grapes the other day so they wouldn't rot and it basically made no difference at all, but I ate those grapes.
All you have to do is blend all that together and then drink the goodness until you no longer want to abandon your children in the park, which would probably mean jail time and you probably couldn't see your kids anymore and eventually you probably would want to, I think.
Just drink the kale and don't leave your kids. Am I inspirational or what?
Just think about what you could become if you met my witch doctor!
*This is probably a lie, but it could happen. Maybe for charity. Or a hostage situation.