Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I Feel Like I Could Write A Rap Song About These 23 Days, But Don't Worry, I Didn't

You probably feel as though you are hallucinating right now. 
I know I shouldn't assume to know what you feel, but I'm confident at least 60% of you feel caught off guard at being forced to read my every thought again.  The other 40% of you could in fact be recreational drug users and you actually are hallucinating due to things completely out of my control....unless you are doing meth due to my previous infatuation with starting that habit, which can be read here or here, to be more productive and skinny, if only I could prevent my teeth from turning into those of a carnival worker. 

(No offense carnival employees, unfortunately you guys and the people with the circus have a pretty creepy reputation and obviously are without dental.)

The point is, drugs are bad....but I'm back.

Well, I'm back-ish.

Many* of you have sent emails, tweets, and comments pleading with me to come back so I figured I must.   I can't ignore the masses. It's no one's fault but my own that I've spun a web of intrigue and suspense with my always exciting life of child tantrums, dinner preparation, and cleaning woes from which no one can escape.

Where have I been?  Very good question.

I think the real person to answer this question is Michael Dell, unfortunately he doesn't know or care about me so I tried to contact Susan Dell.  As it turns out, Susan Dell doesn't care about me either.  Apparently the whole family has a heart of stone.

My computer, much like the Dell family's hearts is basically a stone now too.  It's essentially a very expensive, fun looking accessory for the writing desk next to my bed.  It gives the appearance that there could be life and productivity there, but really it's not going to do a damn thing.  I hate it. 

Why oh why didn't I get a Mac?  Never again Michael Dell.  Never. Ever. Again.

I assume this threat carries a lot of weight with him, and of course Susan.
So my computer basically won't start.  Alex and I have been through Dell tech support, our own very reasonable and ineffective solutions, and now a very costly trip to The Geek Squad only to be told it's probably the hard drive which Michael should have fixed from the beginning.  It is so much fun to deal with this that I really hope to never have a fully functional computer again. 

Alex has graciously offered me his computer, but I usually write at night (because that's when I am in my zone, if such a thing exists,) but my husband is so selfish that he actually needs his computer to work at night.  He is totally underestimating my ability to draw in approximately $10 a month by writing these posts.  It's as if he doesn't value my financial contributions to this family. He's so narrow minded.

I don't even know where to start with reporting the last 23 days.  I actually feel like I have a ton to share, but we'll just hit some highlights for now in an effort to actually be able to post this before Alex has to take his laptop back from me to "make money." 

How about top 5?

A few days after my computer officially revolted from being involved in any more of my brain dumps, I became attached to my iPad, knowing it would never turn on me.  One would think that I would try to keep at least reading blogs and commenting, or posting photos of what is happening in my life so as to not leave everyone is the dark, but that isn't exactly what I did.  I hope no one is scared of the dark like Cole, that's an unfortunate state.

I turned to Netflix, and stayed there for five days.  During that time I watched 44 episodes of my newest obsession....The Vampire Diaries.  It is as classy as it sounds and oh so very intriguing.

I spent all my time walking around with my iPad and ignoring all responsibilities which could not be handled while following an intricate plot of vampire and witch mysteries entangled with a very emotional vampire-human love story. 

This isn't something I'm proud of, but I feel like this show might be a large part of my life now so it's important for you to know that I'm obsessed so you can familiarize yourself with the characters and plot lines so you'll understand my references and analogies moving forward. 

It's so good people.  Oh so very good.  You must watch it. 

A few months ago I became infatuated with the VitaMix.  I had seen the demonstration at Costco, listened with fascination to friends that owned one talk about how they were better people because they had one, or something like that, and started watching You Tube demonstrations on all the wonderful things it can do....there are only so many Vampire Diaries episodes out there.

Watch this one to get a general idea of it's awesome powers.

I became convinced it was the only thing that could keep me healthy and my more importantly it could transform my lackluster hair and skin into something akin to Jennifer Lopez's or I was even willing to settle for Jennifer Garner.  Any Jennifer hair and skin would do. 
I priced them and decided to just watch JLo in her fast wardrobe change Kohl's commercials with the knowledge it wasn't going to happen for me.  Spending $400 on a fancy blender didn't seem reasonable, to Alex, I was actually surprised they didn't cost $1000 for how much the YouTube videos made me believe it could change my life.

Then  I went to the dermatologist because I had some weird skin thing growing on my face and other random parts of my body (try not to be grossed out by me) and when she said they could be from an autoimmune disease, the first thing I thought of was the VitaMix.  I would have never been in that doctor's office if I could blend a whole apple and a bunch of kale to a sip-worthy, life saving beverage.

Then Alex surprised me with one and now we are even more obsessed.  I use it at least twice a day, we are eating all kinds of crazy healthy things, and I now look exactly like JLo.  Also my skin growths are going away and I am convinced it's because of the VitaMix, though it could also be the prescribed steroid cream I apply twice a day. 

It's difficult to pin down the true healer here.

Just yesterday we took in a rescue dog.  We are currently in the trial period with her, but I have a feeling she's here to stay.  She's a 9 pound mix of Maltese and some weird circus looking dog.  She's adorable in that ugly sort of way, but I'm sure the VitaMix will quickly change that. 

What does JLo's dog look like?

She's as sweet as can be. 

She plays with the kids and sleeps all night and is already house broken.  She can walk on her hind legs for a really odd long period of time so I'm sure we could put her in the carnival for some extra cash if things get tight or we need another VitaMix.  The best part is that she was rescued from a dog hoarder's home so she has very low expectations for cleanliness and regularity of food. 

Name is to be determined.  The kids are currently throwing out all sorts of suggestions like Italy, Millie, Paige, and Nya (any Lego Ninjago obsessed families out there?)  The important thing is that we change her current name...Beyonce. 

We just returned from a family vacation to Washington DC to visit my brother and his family.  The trip was great, but we have decided that we can no longer fly anywhere, ever.  It's going to be a very long boat ride next time we have to go visit family in Greece, but flying is out of the question.

Our departure flight was jacked due to the tornadoes in Dallas last week, which I am sure caused much more trauma for some people than our missed flight, but I would have to actually hear it on a case by case basis before I made the call because we were really annoyed.  We didn't get to leave until the next 4 am, not the ideal travel time for a family with three kids under six.

Thunderstorms also messed with our return flight and made me think that possibly God doesn't want me to see my brother or our nation's capital.  My brother is pretty sarcastic sometimes and his daughter chewed a whole pack of gum one day, so maybe he lacks good parenting. Can we really be around someone like that?

(My kids only eat 90% of the pack.  Kids need boundaries and I'm good at creating and enforcing them.)

My niece and nephew are all sorts of cute, and bilingual, which makes them more marketable of course.  I also adore my sister-in-law so it's always fun to be with her. I usually enjoy my brother's sarcasm too so I guess God's just going to have to work through his issues with the two of us hanging out.  My parents made the trip to DC too so it was truly a family event.  It isn't a family event without Tractor.

We did all the usual tourist things like walking to bakeries, riding public transportation, and walking by monuments, well two monuments.  The kids were infinitely more excited to ride the Metro than to see the White House, I assume they thought they might be able to score some drugs in the subway or watch someone throw themselves on the tracks, they are very dark children. 

Here are a pathetic few photos to give you a glimpse in to our DC vacation world.  I apologize for not capturing any of our time trapped in the airplane when I thought I was going to vomit, Cole was losing his mind and Stella was wooing nearby passengers, Aiden had my iPhone. 

This photo was actually taken at The Austin Children's Museum, which my children haven't yet realized totally blows.  We should have been flying over Mississippi when this photo was taken.

Stella was very adamant about having her own seat on the DC City bus.  This independence did not quell her curiosity about everyone around her though, particularly the weirdos.  (We are trying to teach our kids to not use this word, but the truth is that it's just fun to say sometimes.  Don't tell Aiden and Cole, please.)
Aiden was the only child willing to pose for photos in front of monuments.  There are approximately 300 photos of Aiden around DC, as if he were our only child.  It would have been a substantially less stressful trip if he were in fact our only child.  This isn't mean to say because if he were our only child I wouldn't miss Stella and Cole.  Right?
Cole and his cousin decided they were far too out of the loop on thier current events, prompting a subway reading of the paper.  This is simply adorable.
Do not be deceived in to thinking that Aiden and Cole actually are sweet to one another since this is the second photo of them hugging.  I'm reasonably confident Aiden punched Cole after this photo, or Cole might have stolen something imperative to Aiden's existence, such as a Lego.

See how Aiden is basically forcing everyone else to pose with Abraham Lincoln?  He's essentially siding with the South.  Abe would be so pissed at Aiden.
Alex and I like to pretend that we are on a vacation alone.  In this photo we are ignoring all three kids at The Lincoln Memorial, because we think he would have wanted it that way.

This got so much longer than I thought it would be.  My apologies.

Today, I took a very brave step.  It was pet defense day at our house, not an actual holiday contrary to how it sounds, it is simply the day the bug man comes. I finally worked up the courage to tell him there are little black worms in my shower. 

(I confess their existence here.) 

It was embarrassing and humbling. 

He was very kind and completely restrained from asking me why I was such a crappy housekeeper that there were actual bugs growing where we bathe.

It's been sprayed, I will definitely keep you all updated on the worms. 

Please don't stop reading my blog based on my promise to talk about this in the future. 

That's the five highlights folks. I promise to make my best efforts to post again sometime before another 23 days have gone by, but we'll see.  I did just think of three things I forgot to tell you, who knows, maybe I'll be back tomorrow...

*In this particular sentence the word many will be defined as "three."  As in a mere three people were concerned about my lack of blogging.  Those are now the three most important people to me on Earth and I have changed by IRA and life insurance beneficiaries accordingly.  Jenn were the first to ask so please don't kill me for the money.


Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

Ah, the gaping hole in my life that i have been heretofore unable to identify the genesis of decided to jump in and claim your absence as its reason for pungi sticks and poisonous hors d'oeuvres.

Good to have you back.

Morgan said...

Things feel much better now, that you are blogging again.

And...funny story, I subscribed to you blog after on of your pieces, I think in the statesman, and I have been reading for a year or so and just not commenting (creepy?). But you know jenn. Which I learned from this post and because like 10 minutes before this post I searched my inbox for her email address and there was some invite from her...and you. And now I feel like we one of us is stalking the other but I am not sure who is on which end. Sorry if I am on the weird end.

I do enjoy your writing. Glad you are back!

Kmama said...

I'm glad you're back. I just have to my Macbook to pieces.

Samantha said...

I had a Dell before I met my husband, and then he turned me into a Mac person. We had a MacBook for 5 years, and then we upgraded to a MacBook Pro. The MacBook we had for 5 years, still runs perfectly...and we never had any issues w/it. Amazing...once you go Apple, you can't go back.

Amanda I said...

Glad you're back!! The VitaMix are brilliant! I used to sell them many moons ago (when they were $800+) and I wanted one. Enjoy it!!

Catie said...

Yay! You're back! I did check your blog periodically because I was worried the kids had taken you hostage or you had gotten back on the meth. Glad neither was true. :-) Really did miss your posts.

January Dawn said...

WELCOME BACK! I've been lacking on the blogging lately as well because my own computer (happens to be a Mac) went on the fritz. BUT I now have a new one (so sad, NOT a Mac but it works) I've missed your hilarious ramblings. So happy to 'see you' again!

Beyond said...

Welcome have been missed.

Emmy said...

Hey I knew you were still alive because I was seeing your pics on instragram-- otherwise I would have been knocking down your door too. ;)

You have had a lot going on- and you really make travel logs and just what's going on in your life more entertaining than most, you are my inspiration.

Kimberly said...

Welcome back! It seems like a lot of my favorite bloggers are coming back from breaks today. Yay!! That picture of Cole and his cousin reading the news on the subway was beyond cute.

Also, my aunt has had two Maltese mixes, and both of them were exceptionally talented at walking upright. I wonder if that's a part of the breed standard? Ha.

WhisperingWriter said...

Welcome back!!

I'm so tempted to get a Mac. We have a Dell now and it's okay but I hear so many good things about Macs.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Hey now- vita what? Tell me more. I think it could change my life as well!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

oh, and I love my MacBook Pro, love. I barely even use my iPad, cause I can't type on the thing. However, we are a mac house. We have 2 macbooks, 3 ipads, 2 iphones, 3 imacs, a nano and ipod touch. Yep.

Shell said...

Oh no! I hate when my computer won't work(which is often). I somehow can't get into a blogging mood with my ipad- it's more of a toy.

momnextdoor said...

I didn't email or comment bc I was also MIA for most of your absence. I would like this taken into account next time you change your beneficiary's.

I hope your worms are gone forever!