Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Five Quick Confessions

I have been having a rough week with Cole.  It's been one of those times when he spins out of control at the slightest request for shoe finding or bath taking and it makes me want to run away.

Unfortunately, I usually don't run away.  I say unfortunately because I think we all might be happier with a bit of space during these moments of emotional unbalance.  I never leave though, primarily because I'm still clinging to the hope that jail for child abandonment might be worse than enduring a few more of Cole's tantrums. 

I think.

Instead though, I find myself crying or yelling, and feeling washed in guilt at my inability to help either one of us get it together.  We'll have a good few hours and then suddenly I ask him to come talk to me about dinner and he's rolling on the floor and crying about how I'm not ever going to take him to the fair again or let him see his Grandparents.

I can't explain it, but I don't think I can fight that sort of logic...or lack of logic.

I wonder if it's possible that Cole is involved in the use of heavy narcotics? 

I'm honestly sick of feeling guilty about not being able to handle it well. I feel as though it's all I think about, all the live long day.  It's just not a super fun feeling.

I decided it's time for me to make some confessions that have nothing to do with Cole. It's important for me to remember that there are other areas of my life in which I may, or may not, be jacking things up.

One: I don't believe in fabric softener. I don't use it because I don't understand what it's supposed to do or why I'm supposed to care. Whenever I hear someone talking about dryer sheets, it's rarely in relation to their use in the laundry room, but more how to keep away mosquitoes or de-nasty their shoes. I think the stuff was made up by that company with the cuddly bear, Snuggles is it?  Should I be using it though? Maybe I'm failing my family in the laundry realm of our life.

Two:  I allow Stella to chew gum. I realize she's only 21 months, but she's really good at it. It just feels mean to not let her develop her talents.  What if this is all she has?  She usually hands it to me when she's done or throws it in the trash. She's probably swallowed a few pieces, but that's bound to happen regardless of her age, right?   I try to sneak it to her in public though for fear of being judged by other Moms.  In my defense though, it's Trident, not Hubba Bubba....yet.

Three: I have a stack of serious, non-fiction books to read on my nightstand, but I really just want to read another one of those Janet Evanovich, Stephanie Plumb novels in hopes that there will be some romance in the next one.  I'm also craving more vampire novels. Perhaps my literary desires are something I need to work on redirecting. 

Four: There are black worms in my shower, which I fear may be leading to these little fly things in my bedroom and bathroom.  I feel like I should expand and explain how this is happening, but I'm grossing myself out even bringing it up.  If only I weren't too embarrassed to talk to my quarterly exterminator about this situation.  I feel like he would judge me and I just can't have that.

Five: When I get my $30 or so check every few months from BlogHer for having such a powerhouse of a blog, I view that money as extra money and basically spend it four or five times over before I've even deposited it. That wouldn't be so bad if I didn't also use this check to try to convince my husband that I am financially contributing to our household, which is a blatant lie.  If it can't even pay for the electricity my computer uses, much less my Starbucks habit, am I really even bringing anything in?

Thanks for letting me do a little confessional dumping.  I needed that tonight.


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14 comments:

the mommy psychologist said...

My favorite was the black worms in the shower. WTF????

There are somedays where I am sure that if he throws himself on the floor one more time, I may throw myself on top of him and lay there til he stops.

Jemima said...

I let my son chew gum too, he is four now, but he is being chewing since he was almost three, cant remember the exact month, he was so persistent i caved!..i have been known to threaten my son ill break his arm if he pokes me one more time.. we all have those days

Mel said...

I am absolutely CRACKING UP thinking about you sneaking gum to your daughter!
Also, give yourself a break about going over the edge along with your son. I've been WAY over the edge with my three year old before to the point I wasn't sure if I could come back. We all do it. If we say we don't, we're lying.
Finally, take it from me as I have been a social worker in home settings -- your exterminator has seen much, MUCH worse. Just tell him to get the worms out.

Kmama said...

I LOVE the Stephanie Plum series from Janet Evanovich. Did you go and see the movie? I wish there were another movie RIGHT now.

Keri said...

I have lost count on the number of times I have sent my kids to bed at 4:30 in the afternoon after a PBJ sandwich because I couldn't stand them any more. Kids are like little vampires sometimes. They sap the energy out of you.

Also, I have never used fabric softener. It makes clothes smell funny and I heard that it can cause your dryer to catch on fire.

Kelli @ RTSM said...

My boys chew gum ALL the time...and they started pretty young too! It's mostly my mom's fault because she is the one who always gives it to them:) We have had a rough couple of days too. My oldest is a tough kid and I have cried {and yelled} more than a few times the last few days...and he has been in his room a lot too! I don't know quite what to say about the worm thing except gross!!

momnextdoor said...

Janet Evonvich is my bitch! I love her books! I'd pick her books over non-fiction any day!!

My confession? If I had worms in my shower I would feel like the exterminator would judge me too. I think you are making the right choice by avoiding it altogether.

Two Normal Moms said...

I share your literary desires.
Though the exterminator might judge you, you do help him make a living, so I think you should risk it and talk to him about the worms. Just my two cents. ;-)

Kimberly said...

I don't have worms in the shower, but I DID just Liquid Plumber our bathroom sink because it was draining so slow... Had a NASTY clump of my husband's facial hair (he lets his beard grow to about 1/2 inch, then shaves it) bubble up out of the drain. That's not the worst part though. Inside that hair were two fruit fly larvae. I've been trying to figure out for three weeks why we have fruit flies in Feb./Mar. but I NEVER would've guessed that they were breeding in beard hair. I dumped a bunch of bleach in the drain and hoped they died quickly.

Emmy said...

The non-fiction stack is why I quit a book club I used to go too- they always picked self help, non-fiction books. I just don't take the time to read them, now give me some Vampires or Hunger Games and I will be totally consumed.

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

#5? Yeah, me too.

Crystal said...

I don't get fabric softener either. I think it makes people stink. I'm with ya on the conspiracy theory. I have these little black bugs all over my house - I think they're carpet beetles. I find them in my dishes in the bottom cupboards, in the bathtub upstairs, under the dirty clothes on my bedroom floor. I go on cleaning frenzies to get rid of them, but they always come back. I can't stand my two year old son, and it's because of his non-stop tantrums. I know Cole is older than 2. Which makes me scared that maybe my sons tantrums aren't going to magically disappear the day of his third birthday? I feel guilty that I haven't been able to figure out how to make them go away, or how to go about them calmly. I mean, they've only happened everyday since he turned 2, so I should expect them and have a master strategy in place, right? Instead, I lose it along with him. I don't feed him gum. Maybe I should start shoving a piece in his mouth every time he melts down? .

Dumb Mom said...

Yeah the shower worms?! What is that about?! Not judging just curious. And needing to know so I can be sure to prevent it! And my littlest Dude has been chewing gum for ages. I give him the like minty kind that is like brushing your teeth. It is like brushing your teeth, right? That's what the package says...

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Black worms? In shower? what?!!?
Call the man- now.
Anyway, I don't bring in anything from my blog, and still try to use that excuse too. Doesn't work for me either.