Unfortunately, I usually don't run away. I say unfortunately because I think we all might be happier with a bit of space during these moments of emotional unbalance. I never leave though, primarily because I'm still clinging to the hope that jail for child abandonment might be worse than enduring a few more of Cole's tantrums.
Instead though, I find myself crying or yelling, and feeling washed in guilt at my inability to help either one of us get it together. We'll have a good few hours and then suddenly I ask him to come talk to me about dinner and he's rolling on the floor and crying about how I'm not ever going to take him to the fair again or let him see his Grandparents.
I can't explain it, but I don't think I can fight that sort of logic...or lack of logic.
I wonder if it's possible that Cole is involved in the use of heavy narcotics?
I'm honestly sick of feeling guilty about not being able to handle it well. I feel as though it's all I think about, all the live long day. It's just not a super fun feeling.
I decided it's time for me to make some confessions that have nothing to do with Cole. It's important for me to remember that there are other areas of my life in which I may, or may not, be jacking things up.
One: I don't believe in fabric softener. I don't use it because I don't understand what it's supposed to do or why I'm supposed to care. Whenever I hear someone talking about dryer sheets, it's rarely in relation to their use in the laundry room, but more how to keep away mosquitoes or de-nasty their shoes. I think the stuff was made up by that company with the cuddly bear, Snuggles is it? Should I be using it though? Maybe I'm failing my family in the laundry realm of our life.
Two: I allow Stella to chew gum. I realize she's only 21 months, but she's really good at it. It just feels mean to not let her develop her talents. What if this is all she has? She usually hands it to me when she's done or throws it in the trash. She's probably swallowed a few pieces, but that's bound to happen regardless of her age, right? I try to sneak it to her in public though for fear of being judged by other Moms. In my defense though, it's Trident, not Hubba Bubba....yet.
Three: I have a stack of serious, non-fiction books to read on my nightstand, but I really just want to read another one of those Janet Evanovich, Stephanie Plumb novels in hopes that there will be some romance in the next one. I'm also craving more vampire novels. Perhaps my literary desires are something I need to work on redirecting.
Four: There are black worms in my shower, which I fear may be leading to these little fly things in my bedroom and bathroom. I feel like I should expand and explain how this is happening, but I'm grossing myself out even bringing it up. If only I weren't too embarrassed to talk to my quarterly exterminator about this situation. I feel like he would judge me and I just can't have that.
Five: When I get my $30 or so check every few months from BlogHer for having such a powerhouse of a blog, I view that money as extra money and basically spend it four or five times over before I've even deposited it. That wouldn't be so bad if I didn't also use this check to try to convince my husband that I am financially contributing to our household, which is a blatant lie. If it can't even pay for the electricity my computer uses, much less my Starbucks habit, am I really even bringing anything in?
Thanks for letting me do a little confessional dumping. I needed that tonight.
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