Is there such a thing as just dry skin balls? Should I just tell him to rub some Jergens down there? Can you get jock itch at four?
Figuring out penis issues is nothing new to me since having two little boys, but testicle questions baffle me, and I assume they always will. To be honest, they're really weird.
Aiden asked me the other day why he had two little balls below his penis, what were they for? I told him I thought they supported the weight of his penis. They are there for protection, obviously.
Is that correct?
At the very least, I figure I probably increased his self esteem and that seems like a kind gesture.
Honestly, I wasn't about to discuss the actual function, as I understand it from health class, of the testicles in reproduction with Aiden. The last time reproduction was discussed I felt all confused and sweaty. I'm a horrible liar and my ability to bullshit was useless against Aiden's painfully specific questions.
"What of Daddy's mixes with what of yours and where is this happening?"
If I can't figure out a way to creatively, yet innocently, answer that question, I'm powerless against itchy red balls. Thankfully, Cole is much more easily distracted than Aiden and the suggestion that I give him some chocolate milk and see what happens after that was met with great enthusiasm.
Maybe Ovaltine solves testicular issues? Anyone?
Unfortunately, things went down hill after chocolate milk. His balls weren't the problem, but it seemed everything else was. He couldn't put on his shoes. Stella was perpetually stealing his Beyblade. I gave him applesauce...without cinnamon! The apparent cruelty of Cole's life was simply too much for him to bear.
Cole is by no means an easy going child all the time, but he was not himself. Since Sunday he had been congested, Monday night I was convinced he had a fever in the middle of the night while sleeping next to me, and there was this rash that seemed to be getting worse on his chest and neck...and it was not symmetrical or obvious in shape so I had to strain my brain for high school geometry descriptions of what it could be.
His physical complaints were random and seemingly related to his most recent Lego Ningago fight simulation.
"My legs feel weak and achy from so much kicking, I can barely walk. My arm on this side is really hurting me. I think I was struck by a golden numb chuck. My tummy hurts too."
Oh the dreaded tummy aches of the powerful ninjas!
I decided he was going to get in the van to go to school because I couldn't figure him out. On the ride to school though, Cole didn't seem himself. He was rude and grumpy and very short and sarcastic when answering any of my questions. He was a lot like Aiden...or me. I finally said, "Cole, I would like to remind you that you need to watch how you are speaking me. "
He didn't miss a beat and informed me in the nastiest of voices, "Mommy, I would like to remind you that I can't find my R2 D2."
I decided he could choose to go or not, and he chose to not go to school. I chose to call the doctor, and mid-way through my list of symptoms the nurse was totally confused and informed me that I would have to bring him in for a personal evaluation.
I don't know why she was so confused, the symptoms were clear. Red testicles, possible fever two nights ago, excessive emotions, an obtuse triangle shaped red mark on his shoulder...I feel like I spelled it all out for her. Did she not go to nursing school?
Once we were there though, the truth quickly revealed itself. Our house had it's very first infiltration of strep throat. Mysterious symptoms and behavior explained.
(The red balls were allegedly an unrelated anomaly that can not yet be explained. Any ball experts out there? Jergens?)
I might as well have gotten a diagnosis that Ebola had struck our family. The advice and fear has been pouring in via Facebook, texts, neighborly shouts from a safe distance. No one wants to be near us.
The worst part? We have to replace all the kids' toothbrushes. We're all comfortable with what they have now, I hate to mess that up. There's a certain rhythm with the broken in ones and standing in front of all those options of brushes gives me so much anxiety.
I haven't ever had strep, but I am now terrified. My friend Kristi told me it can be harder on adults than kids, which scares me because I am not permitted to get sick. I was told by my friend Jen that it usually tears through the whole house, sometimes twice. My own doctor told me I already looked weary and cranky.
Fine, I only felt like that, he was very kind as usual.
My throat hasn't stopped hurting since we got home. I drank an extra glass of wine to kill the germs in my throat, but I'm not sure it's worked. I am confident my Mother In Law will direct me to eat five grapefruits or a raw artichoke or something that will oddly cure me, I must call her.
Every sun spot or weird pregnancy induced skin mutation is the beginning of an awful skin rash to mark my time with this illness.
It's only a matter of time. I'll keep you posted.
I wasn't kidding.