Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I Might Make Really Good Pot Roast - Seriously, It's a Recipe-Ish

I feel as though I should apologize.  I used to write a receip-ish every week.  I would throw one together every week without fail, or maybe sometimes fail, but I usually got it together. You can check out some of the ones from the past here and here and here.

This morning I saw an article on Rihanna though and I felt like writing this because I think she's nuts.  Then I checked out YouTube and found one of Rhihanna's new songs and felt pretty disturbed.  I do really like her, but something has to stop and surely a recipe-ish can heal everything.

I also have a new obsession with pot roast, and how can I be a good person and still keep that to myself?


Dear Rhianna,
First, I really enjoy your music.  I run to a lot of your jams...wait, is it cool to call them jams?  I'm assuming yes, of course. I realize I'm a 35 year old Caucasian, suburban house wife, but I think I can rock it out to all your songs.  I'm sure you would agree.
I must confess though, I have a difficult time relating to some of your tunes about all the rough sex having and such, though I do like that one about yellow diamonds and finding love.  It's catchy in the way repeating the same words over and over again is super fun.
Alex and I watched a Diane Sawyer interview with you not too long after your break up with that violent dancing boy, and I'm not sure if you know this or not, but you are crazy pretty.  You had the ugliest haircut since Sinead O'Connor and both of us couldn't get over how gorgeous you are. 

What is up with that hair?  Please don't cut it that short again.  If you can promise me that, I promise to never allow my Mom to chop off my hair and perm it like she did in the third grade.  I still shutter when I think of my 3rd year photo.  Short hair, perm, white blouse (not shirt) and plaid bow tie. 

That's right, bow tie Rihanna. 

Do we have a deal?

I am so sorry about all the face hitting you went through with your ex boyfriend, Chris Brown.  He really is a good dancer though.   I'm sure it was difficult to not go jet skiing with him a few days after he beat the shit out you, who can blame you?  I'm happy you made the right decision though and ended that relationship.

As Oprah says, once a beater, always a beater.
 
That might not be an exact quote.  It's possible Oprah was a bit more eloquent, she might have even rhymed or quoted Maya Angelou, but I think I have captured the jist of her message. 
It came to my attention earlier today though that you and Mr. Quick Feet have decided to work together on a few songs.  A professional collaboration of sorts.  That's interesting....very interesting.

Then I read an article about how your friends are concerned that there might be a rekindling of past romantic feelings.  I feel confused.  Did you forget that he hit your face really hard?

Have you been to an indoor trampoline park?  I recently went to a five year old's birthday party at one and I had a difficult time thinking about anything. I was mostly trying to save Stella from plunging into a foam pit, never to be seen again, or from peeing my pants when I bounced. 

For your future information, trampolines and jump ropes are not good for those of us that have had multiple babies.  Vigorous exercise of any kind will work against your bladder control and should be approached with care and Poise pads.  Our lower regions have been to war, and not the kind you sing so passionately about, ours is a bit more actual pain followed up by profound sleep deprivation and a general feeling of trapped sadness for a few years. 

Did you and Chris ever talk about having babies together?

Where was I going with this?

Oh yes, I think if Chris Brown took me to an indoor trampoline park, I might have a difficult time resisting him and his cool moves, even if he had given me a black eye.  But, I listen to Oprah, so I of course would not be able to be swayed by his flips and such.

Is this making sense?

I think we need pot roast.  See, I know you are from Barbados, a beautiful island.

( I was there in junior high, but I don't remember seeing you?)

My concern though is that since you were probably always in your island lifestyle, you probably didn't have a lot of pot roasts and discussions with your family about how you shouldn't stick around after someone punches you in the face a few times, even if they are a really good kisser, or dancer, or singer.  Wait...does Chris Brown sing?  

(You should know that I assume that everyone living on a tropical island mostly eats fresh fruit and ham, and drinks rum.  The discussions at the dinner table mostly center around sun tan lotion and fixing wheels on carts.  I can't explain it, that's just how it is in my brain.  I blame my adolescent perms.)

I'm going to tell you what I tell my six and four year old around our dinner table, hitting hurts and people don't want to be hit. 

Rhianna, you are people...you aren't supposed to like getting hit.  Does that make sense?

Have you ever had a perm? 

Let's make pot roast and discuss.

I know you are probably busy, but it's really not an excuse for not having a hearty meal, or for finding a man that can dance, do a flip, and not punch you.  The answer to all your problems?  A crock pot.
You might think I'm over simplifying your life, but really, a crock pot can change everything. 

(I also read that you read 97 pounds and that sounds like someone that needs to eat a roast.  Often.)
Here is what you need.

  • 2 pounds carrots, peeled and cut into 2 inch chunks (you can wing the 2 inch exactness)
  • 1 bag of small red potatoes washed (we wash our potatoes on the mainland)
  • 1 - 8 oz. package sliced, fresh mushrooms (non hallucinogenic, this isn't LA)
  • 1 large sweet onion, cut in half and sliced
  • 1 3-4 lb. boneless chuck roast, trimmed - NOT THE SAME AS RUMP ROAST, after listening to your music for a while and seeing quite a few of your videos, I have a feeling the rump roast would speak to you, don't do it.  Stick with Chuck, he'll be good to you.)
  • salt and pepper (I don't believe in measurements for anything put on the table for people to dump any undisclosed amount, just shake it a while, I'm sure you'll do great.)
  • 2 teaspoons olive oil
  • 1 - 1 oz envelope dry onion soup mix
  • 1 -14 oz can beef broth (it sounds and is foul, but it's important and will make it all delicious)
  • 1 - 8 oz can tomato sauce (I like the basil, oregano, garlic seasoned one because I'm WILD, I think you would make the same choice.)
  • 3 tablespoons tomato paste
  • 2 teaspoons dried Italian seasoning
  • 2 tablespoons cornstarch
  • salt and pepper
First, put the carrots, potatoes, mushrooms, and onions in the bottom of a lightly greased slow cooker. 

(That's another term for crock pot, but I think it's degrading so I don't use it.) 
(Except right there to make a point.)
Sprinkle the roast with pepper.  This is awkward and sort of gross because you have to touch a lot of meat, but I've seen your S&M video, you should be able to handle anything.

Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high (again, such a perfect setting because no one wants to be high or plain medium.  Wait....maybe they do?) heat and then brown the roast for 2-3 minutes on each side.

(If you have any trouble getting olive oil, please let me know.  I receive mass quantities of olive oil from my Greek father-in-law and would be happy to share.  I'm really nice, also a potential side affect from perming my hair and/or having too many children so now I just want other adults to like me so they will talk to me about things other than Legos or poop.)

Put the roast on top of the mushroom and onion mix and sprinkle with the onion soup mix. Pour the broth and tomato sauce on top and put a lid on it.

(Put A Lid On It would be an excellent song by the way.  I could really help you.  We should be friends.)

Cook on low 8-10 hours or until the meat shreds easily with a fork.

While it's cooking,  I have to be honest with you Rhianna, because that's what nice people do, your new Birthday Cake song, on which Chris Brown collaborated with you, is pretty horrible.  It's offensive and not overly clever.  All your sexual innuendos about blowing out the candles, licking and the icing, and eating all the cake are pretty overt and sort of lame.  I'm totally not a prude, but this just sucks.

To help you remember:


Chris Brown's part is even worse than yours.  Did he really just through a line in saying he wants to f***you? It's like he's not even trying to write a song.  Surely there's a better way to express this.  I feel as disappointed in this song as my Mom did when she read my use of the f-bomb when expressing my profound hatred of a few things when I had just lost my dog, prompting her to email me pages and pages about how I am a better person than that. 

MaryAnn DOES NOT like the f-word. 

Maybe my Mom could be the answer to your love for a Chris Brown?  Or, she could be Chris Brown's answer to not needing to beat women anymore.  I'm sure we can work something out.
Think about it.

Sidenote: I do like the beat.

After the meat is done cooking, it should shred easily with a fork. If it doesn't, you jacked it up, but you should try again. Or you should hire someone to do this, because I bet you can afford that.

Take the meat out of the crock pot and shred it, then cover it to keep it warm.

(Also another song title?  Shred the meat?  I bet you and Chris could rip that one up.)
Side note:  Have you ever heard of Tina Turner?  You should totally look in to her story.  I think there is a movie or two about her life.

Next, stir the tomato paste and Italian seasoning in to the vegetables.  Stir the cornstarch and 2 Tbsp of water together in a small bowl until smooth.  (Try not to be afraid of cornstarch.  It terrifies me too, I don't understand why it works like that and what exactly it is.) 

Add the scary water mixture to the crock pot and stir.

Put the crock pot on high and cook until the juices have thickened, about 40 minutes or so. 
Reduce the heat to serve, or turn it off, add the meat back in, salt and pepper it, and then put it in a shallow bowl and eat it with some crunchy french bread and red wine.  Amazing.

Right a song about that! 

Pot Roast, Pot Roast, Pot Roast.
You can shred with your fork-a.
I like the crunchy bread.
I want to eat it off your head.

Dear Lord Rihanna, you are worse for me than the perm.  This is clearly poor work. 

It's done though. Go eat your pot roast, talk to Oprah, and possibly look into getting a perm and a blouse, I have yet to be hit by a man, or anyone for that matter, so clearly it worked for me.

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12 comments:

Cynthia Meents said...

What a wonderful recipe-ish! I hope Rihanna listens to your excellent advice. If not, I hope she enjoys the pot roast. Your pot roast is fancier than my pot roast, what with all the fancy Italian herbs and all. It sounds wonderful though. Thanks so much for humoring me and putting a rush on this recipe-ish. You're just so thoughtful that way.

Alyssa said...

Corn starch is totally terrifying! I'm so glad I'm not alone in this.

sarah A said...

I listened to exactly 51 seconds of that song and stopped it. You are right- HORRIBLE! Too bad too- she has a good voice :(

sarah A said...

I listened to exactly 51 seconds of that song and stopped it. You are right- HORRIBLE! Too bad too- she has a good voice :(

♥Messy Jessy♥ said...

I'm not sure if I have told you or not before, and if I have, I don't mind repeating myself...
You crack me up! I love your posts.
Thanks for sharing this recipe-ish.
I love Rihanna's voice but some of her songs... seriously?! They make me wanna gag.
I never understood women who kept going back to abusive men. This might sound awful, but maybe he didn't hit her hard enough to knock some sense into her?

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Emmy said...

Oh how I have missed these!!! Seriously so funny. And yes maybe a good old fashioned homemade meal will get some good old fashioned morals and sense into this girl.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

This was crazy silly and I loved it!

Dwija {House Unseen} said...

My god woman, you are funny. So funny, I tell you! Man. Loved every word.

WhisperingWriter said...

Mmmm...pot roast...

Chris Brown makes me so angry. He's such a douche.

Funny post :)

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Loved it! Now, I agree with you on her. She is trying to hard to be sexy and out there. That yellow diamond song? Can't stand it. Same lyrics, 5000 times? Who cares.

Shell said...

I love your recipe-ishes.

I don't get what Rihanna is doing, having anything to do with that jerk.

Prudently Painted Vintage said...

Love recipe-ish! Quit being a slacker and keep up on it, okay!? Indoor trampoline center?? What madness is that. I have to see if they have one in the Houston area. My son loves jumping.