Best part of it? It was straight up delicious.
So I decided to copy it, because I'm smart like that.
If you are new around here and don't know why I'm talking about making food, check out my weekly-ish recipe-ish posts. You can find some of my favorites here or here or here or here.
I was racking my brain to figure out who really needed a recipe-ish today and then I turned on the TV and there was Kim Kardashian*, bawling because her hunky, then boyfriend and now husband, had thrown her into the ocean while on vacation in Tahiti...and one of her $75,000 earrings fell out.
My heart really went out to her. Anyone on the cover of People magazine looking like a princess, that can afford to buy $75,000 earrings, be on vacation in Tahiti, and be famous for, well, being famous, I really want to help out.
Oh, and did you her she has psoriasis? She's having a rough go of things.
She needs me.
Congratulations! I heard that you got married to Kris Humphries of...wait, who the hell is your husband? I think he's a sport guy. He looks really big and I heard him talking and he didn't sound super smart, even though I'm sure he is, so I'm just guess he plays a game for a living. Fun!
Now that you are married, I thought I would help you out by giving you a recipe you could make for you and your husband to enjoy. Not that you have to make food for your husband because you're a woman, only if you want to. Stay strong Kim!
Side note: I'm not sure if you've noticed or not, but I'd like to point out that your Mom and husband have the same name, spelled the same way. This is sort of strange, but maybe sort of convenient?
I've been looking through some photos from your wedding and it looks pretty spectacular. It reminded me a lot of my wedding. Well, not really, but it looked amazing....except for one thing. Did you notice Kris, your Mom, not your husband, was wearing a really obnoxious bow on the top of her dress? This was pretty hideous. You probably should have talked to her. I'm just saying.
Quite a guest list too. Lindsay Lohan? Eva Longoria? Ciara? Ryan Seacrest? Serena Williams? Mario Lopez? Wait...did you know that Slater was there? He seems really nice, but geez.
I'm not sure if you know this or not, but I've been with my husband for 11 years. I'm nuts for him. I could probably give you all sorts of wisdom, but I hate to be presumptuous, like I have some sort of secret information.
Well, just this one thing.
I also noticed that you were quoted as saying "I was speechless. It was like we were in heaven."
I want you to understand that your moment in marriage heaven is gone. It can be really, really good, but you are probably going to soon realize that he can't put a dish in the dishwasher to save his life, he has horrific gas after a big meal, and there is not a chance in hell he's going to be able to find anything that is not fully exposed in the fridge. This stuff feels very anti-heaven. You might even want to punch him.
You are going to need to be at peace with at least 90% of these "idiosyncrasies," or life will be very, very horrible.
Alright, let's cook. I think first, you are going to need to take off your rock and put it somewhere. I can only assume by the size of it that it would be next to impossible for you to even bend your finger while wearing it. Bending your fingers seems sort of important for preparing a meal.
Here is what you are going to need.
Flank steak. A lot of it. Or a little, not sure what you have going on. Maybe Slater's coming over for dinner? Get a lot.
Salt and Pepper
1/2 head iceberg lettuce shredded (you should have someone else do this part, because it's really annoying and I'm pretty sure you are rich enough to avoid this sort of thing.)
8 oz. spinach roughly chopped
1 bag steamed and shelled edamame
corn kernels - some, maybe a cup?
1 seeded and diced tomato
1 diced bell pepper - any color
1 seeded and diced hot pepper - jalapeno, Serrano
1 diced sweet-ish pepper - like a banana pepper? I really don't know what is sweet, you might need to google sweet pepper. I saw you google psoriasis so don't pretend you don't know how
vinegar - whatever you have
First, take all the flank steak you bought and put it in a sealed container. Tupperware, Ziploc, whatever fits. Now dump in some olive oil, salt, pepper, a spoonful of minced garlic, a few good shakes of worcheshire sauce, and squeeze a whole lime in there. You have to cut the lime first. I don't mean to be insulting, I just don't know what someone with $75,000 earrings knows about citrus.
Put that in the fridge for a while for it to marinate.
While that's marinating you can work on the salad...and question what the hell you were thinking with your video. Kim, I think you seem like a nice girl. I realize you have a very large ass, which is just fine if you want to flaunt that, but your "music video" is horrible on several different levels.
If you don't remember how horrible it is, you can view it here.
Why do you have plastic underwear on? That is just begging for some sort of vaginal infection, especially since it looks like you are sweating profusely in that warehouse. And why aren't you allowed to walk in that place, you can only crawl and slide around? You shouldn't go places like that.
What would Kris think?
Further more, I do realize that your pink fingernails match your plastic pink underwear, but I'm not sure your nails are supposed to match your undergarments. I hear a deep gray is in this year. Let's try that next Kim. OK?
Oh, and you can't really sing that well. Do you know JLo? She sort of already does the sweaty, sultry party song thing, and does it quite well. There is no room for you in this market...I think your only hope would be to call Pitbull and hope he's up for a collaboration of some sort. He's used to big asses, JLo is very voluptuous as well.
While you are thinking about all your mistakes with this "music" video you can work on mixing all the salad fixings together, except for the lettuce and spinach. Those need to be kept separate until you are ready to eat.
Mix the dressing together too. I realize this might be the most frustrating to not have amounts given, you are just going to have to guess Kim and have a little faith. Making salad dressing is a lot like marriage. You throw some things together that feel and sound good and try to make it the best you can.
I actually think that's a pretty shitty analagy, and I don't recommend you tell people you are going to try to approach your marriage like you would making salad dressing. Especially after that "music video," you're just going to sound batshit crazy.
Pour the salad dressing on the vegetable mix, again, waiting to add the spinach and lettuce until right before you eat. Have I mentioned this enough times to be annoying yet? That's what it's like to have a husband sometimes. I'm just trying to help you.
If your steak has marinated for a while, you can go ahead and fire up the grill. I don't know anything about griling so I have no direction for you here. Basically I think you shouldn't grill them for too long. Does that clear things up?
Once you figure out the grilling thing you can slice the steak. Mix the spinach and lettuce in with the other vegetables and serve the steak on top of it.
Kris, your husband, probably won't give you another 20 carat ring for this meal, but he might. He did marry you even though he knew you had psoriasis. Remember how your Mom, Kris, told you that it wasn't a big deal that she got psoriasis because she was already married, but you were 30 and single and had it and it would freak guys out? That was pretty messed up.
Wait....did you make her wear that bow dress as punishment for saying that? Well played Kim. Well played.
Linking up with Serenity Now - A Mommy's Solution to Staying Sane: Weekend Bloggy Link Up! Check it out here.
*Can I say that I really do love Kim Kardashian? I'm not sure why, but I do. I do think she's a little ridiculous sometimes, but aren't we all? Maybe I'd be crying over my $75,000 earrings if I could afford to buy them? Maybe I'd be sliding around a warehouse in plastic pink undies if I thought someone wanted me to? Well, probably not, but I won't hold it against her forever.