Tuesday, December 6, 2011

So You Really Want A Baby?

Dear Teen Shipley's Donuts Employee,

Please forgive me if I am overstepping my role as a stranger by writing this letter, but I can't ignore what I have heard.  This might be rambling, and a bit all over the place due to my shocked and frightened state but please keep reading, I feel your life depends on it.

I don't know if you remember me or not?  I was the mid-thirties lady with the adorable toddler and cute four year old that stopped by today for the donuts and chocolate milk?  I know, I know, you probably saw a lot of people like me throughout your shift,  but I was the one sitting near you while you were discussing wanting a baby. 
Perhaps you don't remember because you were high or something, that would make so much of your conversation make sense and bring me great comfort.  Are you just doing drugs, or do you actually yearn to be a teen Mom? 

Please say drugs.
I'm fairly confident I was staring and ignoring my kids because I couldn't believe the words coming out of your Bieber loving mouth. Dear Lord, please say you were high on Scotch Guard or possibly taking 5 am shots of peach Snappes before your shift.  Do you people still drink Snappes?

If you remember, you took my order of one strawberry sprinkle, one cinnamon sugar cake, and one blueberry cake, and you acted like a completely sane human being. You are really sneaky.  I bet you have been practicing acting normal for years now, because you were really convincing. 

You did marvel at Stella's cuteness, which she is, and I can only hope that my baby's magical powers of adorable did not somehow lead you to believe that you should try to actually birth something like her, because it's not going to happen.  Your baby will never, ever be as cute as my baby was standing in front of the glass display of donuts with rain boots and a ponytail standing straight up in the air and squealing with delight at the joy of baked goods. 

You know why? Because your child doesn't come out like that, it takes over a year to get them to the walk around in rain boots and make cute noises while pointing.  Your kid also won't ever be that cute because even if you did live at the donut store, they would get over being excited about seeing the donuts and inevitably start crying because they want to walk around the parking lot, or attempt to eat dish washing liquid, or because their teeth hurt. 

You should wait to have kids for the sheer torture of trying to help them through the process of getting teeth.  You don't know how much work, blood, sweat, and tears goes in to your child's oral development...and then they just fall out a few years later and you have to pay them money for their tiny teeth that caused everyone so much strife to get in the first place.

It's messed up.

Seriously, nothing will ever be as cute as someone else's child at the donut display, especially when you find you can't even afford your Clinique makeup, much less Wet n' Wild anymore because your child can only wear their shoes for three months before you have to buy them a new pair.  Nothing is cute when you can't buy a $1 tube of gloss to wear to the Homecoming dance...not that you could probably find a sitter so you could go anyway since most of the sitters will be busy, doing high school stuff that you should be doing.
A few minutes in to the conversation I heard the words, "oh but you don't want to get pregnant in high school!"

It was your co worker with the half shaved-half pony tail hair that said those words.  She might look like the crazy one, but apparently she is wise.  She is really, really wise. You need to hang out with her more often because what I gathered from your conversation is that you really want to get pregnant, not that you had some sort of oops situation and are actually already with child, and of course that you are in high school.

You make me sad.  You make me very, very sad.

What the hell is going on with you?

Do your parents not love you?  Did some sort of tragedy befall you in your sad and troubled teen years?  Are you abnormally attached to stuffed animals or dolls?  Do you need a pet?  A hug?   Are you simply watching too much MTV?

F-ing Sixteen and Pregnant.  This is why my parents never had, and still don't, have cable.

(Well, they really didn't ever have cable because my Dad doesn't want to pay for TV, or trash service, but I'm sure the range of programming options about destructive behavior wasn't something they were yearning for either.)

Sweetheart, you are never going to be on the cover of US Weekly getting married, or even because you eat the shit out of your teen husband.  You are just going to be you, and no one outside of your little world is going to care much, especially MTV or any multi million dollar celebrity gossip publication.  It is not going to happen.  I promise.

When I heard the start of this conversation my ears definitely perked up.  I wanted to run back by the flavored jelly filling and shake you, hug you, give you my kids for a trial period of sorts.  It's not going to be what you think it is going to be right now.  Every single aspect of high school, the classes, the routine, the cruelty, gym class, etc. is light years ahead of having a child at this point in your life.


(At least I think so.  I mean, there is a chance I'm wrong, in which case if you find success with just those things please let me know so I can substantially scale back my child rearing efforts.)

I feel like I should be dragging my children in during your shift when they are at their worst so that you can experience some of the annoyance of having children.  Do you like going to the bathroom by yourself? Do you like running around without peeing your pants?  How about sleeping?  Those things are gone.

Have you figured out the logistics of this whole thing?  Is their a Mr. Teen Donut in the picture?  Are you aware that there must be a boy involved in all this?  Are you aware that most teen boys aren't psyched about having a kid when they could be out blowing up mailboxes, learning all the lines to horrible movies, and doing all sorts of things with a ball and/or balls?

I did hear a lot of talk about whether or not your parent's insurance would cover the cost of having the baby.  I mean, while I am impressed that this is something you are thinking about, this is just not how you want the payment to be working.  I understand your part time donut job probably doesn't have full medical coverage, but I think that's a good place to start on the cons list for why waiting to do this is the best choice.

Bottom line?  It's going to be amazing.  It's going to fill you with a love that you can't even comprehend until you experience it for yourself.  You will be awe struck, you will be humbled, you will be proud...but if you do this now you will just be screwed.

Children are an amazing gift, but they are a gift that never, ever goes away.  They are a screaming, always awake, time, money, and energy drain like nothing that has ever happened to you.  They will rob you of you, especially at 16.  Being a parent is a selfless role and it doesn't not come without emotional scarring that is best experienced some time after you have lived away from your own Mommy and Daddy for at least a few years.

If nothing else sways you, please remember that even Bella was married first.  She even had to turn in to a vampire for her baby.  Do you want to have to drink blood?  It's probably disgusting with donuts.

Trust me, your freaky haired friend is smart.  Even is she's stealing prescription drugs from her Mother's bathroom and cheating on her Trig final, she's smarter than you about this. 

You need to quit your donut job and babysit the hell out of a wide variety of children, because even the cute ones don't always stay that way.  I'll be following up, I simply can not let this one go. 

Keep the cinnamon sugar cake coming and let's talk birth control.

See you soon!



Emmy said...

Oh please take this letter to her! She needs it. As yes if she was talking about the insurance paying for it that is just way too far gone and crazy! Yes some people do have babies as a teen and things work out but those cases are so so rare. There is a time for everything and now is her time to be carefree and selfish even- as long as it involves only herself and not a innocent baby!

Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

Get thee to thy donut shop and slap some sense into our young NutBurger. The only advice I have for young parents is DO NOT GET PG....

Hardest job Ever and Life Long... as in Never Goes AWAY. E V E R. . .

The Random Blogette said...

Yes! Please take this letter and hand it to her. She will thank you in the long run. This should also be a part of sex ed. No joke. You are awesome for writing this!

Jana Dahl said...

I agree completely. Even having children at 30 is a shock and it is still hard after 12 years. That girl needs some sense knocked into her. Hopefully she'll listen to her coworker.

Jemima said...

Yep, having kids is hard even in the 30s ,16? no freaking way!.. hilarious usual

Shell said...

Oh, yikes! I hope she realizes that having a baby is not all fun and easy!

Lizbeth said...

OH Lord, please drop some birth control in her Coke when she goes on break. I can't imagine having a kid at 16, she's a kid herself.

Two Normal Moms said...

Oh my! What a scary thought! She.Has.No.Idea.

Prudently Painted Vintage said...

You seriously need to print this out and hand it to her. Then offer her a babysitting job, but make sure it's on a day your kids have had no sleep and give them sugar. Lots of sugar. Don't be crazy and actually leave. Rig the joint with cameras and sit in the drive way. She may NeVER want kids after that. Oh and be sure to add in the letter how sick you are for the first 3 months and how fat you are for the last three. Stretch marks don't just go away. Does she ever want to wear a bikini in her twenties??? Oh please help this poor child!

Ann Imig said...

Sadly, I think this is not uncommon. The "unconditional love" idea is very potent to girls that age.