Friday, November 11, 2011

I Might Make Really Good Pulled Pork - Seriously, It's A Recipe-Ish

When my heart broke upon hearing that Kim Kardashian was filing for divorce, I immediately thought I should write to her, comfort her, steer her toward perseverance.  Then I thought, I already wrote to that bitch, even giving her marriage advice, and now 10 weeks after saying I do she threw in the towel.

No more help from me Kimmy.

You need someone stronger than I to teach you perseverance Kim.  Marriage number two, done in 72 days?  I think you need to hit the pause on any future nuptials.  You and JLo need a serious sit down chat with some therapists.  You don't have time to be making my pulled pork, but other people do and they need my help.

A couple of weeks ago, I took my friend Jessica some pulled pork and coleslaw to help her family during their time of adjustment after returning from Rwanda with their new son, Jack.  I was elated to receive a recipe request and feedback from her that the family not only liked it, but that Jack ate the coleslaw, his first raw veggies since arriving home!

I'm a culinary genius.

Or, Real Simple might also be genius because I totally got the whole recipe from them.

I'm giving credit where credit is due, but I still like to think I add that extra dose of love that would really make the dish scrumptious.  I was going to write to Jessica, but then this gem of an individual was introduced to me by Sara at Domestically Challenged, and I couldn't turn away. 

Well, I had to squint and felt a bit nauseated, but I couldn't abandon her.




I'm sure you all know who she is, right?

No?

Classy points all around.  (I'd also like the record to show that I had no clue who she was either and assumed she was in playboy this October or something when I saw this photo.)

Since I've been "researching" her I am both fascinated and disturbed.  She is a train wreck.  I'll put a few clips in here so that you can experience some of her yourself.  I do not want you going out on your own to study her.  It's difficult to stop and it's probably worse than watching or reading about Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan combined.

I keep thinking though, maybe if she just knew how to make pulled pork in her crock pot, she would be OK. You know? 

We have no choice but to try.

Dear Courtney,

I'm not sure how you've escaped my radar for so long, but you were unknown to me until just last week.  I'm sure this disappoints you since it appears you are one for enjoying attention.  When oh when is your reality show coming out?

First things first, what is wrong with your mouth? 
I don't intend to appear mean, but you constantly look like you are preparing to eat your husband when you both are in an interview.  This is disturbing. 

I realize you are only 17, so you probably aren't checking out the sitcom my Grandmother loved, but did you ever see that Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Robert goes out with a woman that seems really great, but then turns out to be obsessed with frogs and eats flies?  Yeah, you remind me of her when you do that. 

Do you eat flies?  You probably shouldn't.

You know what else you probably shouldn't do? 

Start a romantic relationship with a 51 year old actor online, met him, and then marry him at age 16. 

Have you ever seen this little show called To Catch A Predator?  It's pretty inspiring, and really creepy.  The blossoming of your online love with a man older than your father sort of reminded me of that show. 

In case you don't get a chance to check it out, sleazy old men try to meet in person underage girls they met online and then they are arrested.  I wonder how many marriages like yours that show has coming out of it?  It's like Match.com for the sexually perverse.

I won't ask you what you were thinking, because after researching you for a little while it seems that your brain synapses must not be firing appropriately.  It seems thinking might just not be your thing. 

I've read several interviews with your Mom also, who claims to be, "totally cool with the marriage," and I guess thinking just isn't your family's go-to move.  

You know what else is totally cool?  Your music video on a boat.
Well, it's not really cool so much as sad and homemade looking, which is fun when talking about from scratch pies and scarves, but isn't the best thing for music videos.  I really admire your bold choice of color though.  It's nice to see confidence in a young woman today.

It's also nice to see a young couple so happily married...well, half- young couple.  Perhaps you could talk to Kim Kardashian and JLo about all the secrets of your satisfied and blissful union?  I can only assume your tips would include matching Halloween costumes, lots of lip licking, and a commitment to constantly talking about your strong Christian values in a twisted and strange manner.

Side note:  Please stop that.  As a Christian, you are really jacking up our image, especially with your Jesus chatter on Twitter.  You can't say this:

"Gratifying our glorious Lord for all the beauty that He continuously blesses each and every one of us with.  Thank you Jesus! XO's ;-x"

And then this:

"I desperately need to be locked up in a cage tonight because I am feeling wet...wild...and passionately frisky!  Meeeowww! XO's"

I could basically type most of your Twitter feed here.   It's an amazing display of your brain-ish.

If you could stop tweeting, perhaps you would like to make some food? 

Pulled pork seems like something you would like to discuss and twist around into something disgusting. Try to refrain from doing anything other than cooking the meat.

Here is what you need.

Please, for the love of God put some sweats or something that fully covers both your breasts and ass before going to the grocery store.  No one there purchasing food wants to see that much of your business.

That's right, it's your business.  Put it away around the food.

2 pounds boneless pork shoulder or butt  (I'm guessing you want the butt.)
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 garlic clove, chopped
salt and pepper
1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons cider vinegar
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup sour cream
1/2 teaspoon granulated sugar
4 cups coleslaw mix
1 cup barbecue  sauce

First, mix the brown sugar, chili powder, garlic and salt and pepper.  Rub this mixture all over the pork.  This might be difficult for you to do without being aroused in some way, this is something you probably need to work on immediately.  It's just food.

Also, keep your mouth in check while doing this, especially if anyone else is around. No one would be able to eat this later if you are drooling and contorting your mouth all around it.

Put the pork in your slow cooker.  Wait, you have a slow cooker, right?  I wouldn't normally ask a 17 year old, but since you are married to a man in his fifties it seems like you probably would.

Add 1/2 cup vinegar and 1/2 cup water to the crock pot.

Cover and cook until the meat is tender and shreds easily, on high for 4 to 5 hours or on low for 7 to 8 hours.

The coleslaw should be dramatically easier for you to handle.  I know that the pulled pork is littered with words that you could, and probably did, turn in to a sexual innuendo of some sort.  Even the word crock probably made you think of crotch.  Again, synapses aren't firing correctly.

(Full disclosure, I don't even know if synapses fire, it just seems like they should.)

Now, take the mayonnaise, sour cream, sugar, and 2 tablespoons of vinegar and whisk them together.  Sprinkle with some salt and pepper and then whisk some more. 

Never mind, you probably find all of this very sexual too.  One of your tweets said that the wind blowing on your skin aroused you, clearly there is something VERY active about you. 

Mix the coleslaw mix into the mayonnaise mixture, cover, and refrigerate until you are ready to serve.

When the pork is cooked, transfer it to a bowl, leaving the liquid in the slow cooker.  Use two forks to shred the meat.  If it seems dry, add a little of the liquid, but not too much, the barbecue sauce will help make it moist too. 

(Moist is a horrible word.)

Mix in the barbecue sauce.

Serve it up with rolls, slaw, pickles, onions, chips, and for the love of God (which you profess to have so much of) please wear clothing when serving this. 

Amen.

16 comments:

Suzie Q said...

Hi, you don't know me, but one of my friends introduced me to your blog. I really enjoy reading your blog. You seem very funny, cool and laid back and it's nice to read about a fellow mom who isn't perfect but is just living day to day as well. I can identify a lot with your sarcasm. Thanks for making me laugh!

alanna rose said...

I watched the "music video"...well a few seconds of it, couldn't stomach much more. What is wrong with the dog?

Good recipe-ish!

Emmy said...

Holy heck who is that mess?? The lip licking was disturbing in so many ways. And yea I watched about 5 seconds of her record video than was done. Wow she is a freak. I mean maybe she had a rough upbringing and is now looking for attention in all the wrong ways.
Was that a nice Christian thing to say? ;)

Cynthia M. said...

Thank you ever so much for saving me from having to Google her. Oh! She'd probably make something out of that too.

Prudently Painted Vintage said...

Okay Leslie, I didn't know her by name or by picture, BUT when you said 17 year old married to fifty something, I got it. Soooo Do I still have classy points?!?

She distrurbs me to a place beyond any place I have been. Seriously, Why is she rubbing herself so much in that video and WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER FREAKING LIPS?!?!

Her parents should not reproduce any more and she should definitely not any time in the near future. If ever.

I see a future in porn in say 5 years. Just saying.

Brittney said...

bahahaha I would rather not know about her any further! Recipe sounds good though

Alyssa said...

"brain-ish." HAHAHAHAHAHA. that is all. well played, friend, well played indeed.

(also, please revoke any classy points i earned last week because sadly i already knew WAY TOO MUCH about this whole, um...situation.)

The Preppy Girl in Pink said...

Did you ever see "Hook"? There is a line that Pan's daughter says that comes to mind whenever I see people behaving badly/making bad choices/making bad videos/...she says it about Hook. It goes something like - he needs a mommy very badly. I know this girl has one but I think she needs a different one!
Great recipe-ish! Good food & lots of laughter...just what you need at the dinner table!

Lorilynne said...

I had never heard of her (or her husband) and honestly.... curiosity got the better of me and I googled...probably shouldn't have done that. Now I know waaaay too much about her. What is wrong with her parents?!

anymommy said...

Excellent advice all around. Also, "I had to squint and I felt slightly nauseous," made me laugh out loud.

Mel said...

I have a really weird feeling in which I want to say both, "EWWWWW!!!" and "YUM!!" all at once. Thank you for that.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Ha! I cannot stop ! She is so gross, and the twitter feed sent me over the edge. Thank Jesus for cages huh? Maybe they will lose the key to it...

KSK said...

Oh! She's a creepy one! I saw a snip it of that interview somewhere.. Deeply disturbed, that girl!
I hope she heeds your advice!
Poor 17 year olds.. they never realize what asses they are making out of themselves.. until they're 30.

Desperate Housemommy said...

Recipe = Delish. Will try.

Videos = Delish-ously disturbing. I was trying to determine exactly what body of water that she-child was cruising when the music video was filmed. Perhaps the Louisiana Bayou? Swanky fo sho.

Shell said...

Her twitter is a freaking mess!

Amanda I said...

The recipe sounds great, I think I'll be trying this soon.
I've heard of this "teen" bride, but only because they make a LOT of fun of her on "The Soup". She is... something else