No more help from me Kimmy.
You need someone stronger than I to teach you perseverance Kim. Marriage number two, done in 72 days? I think you need to hit the pause on any future nuptials. You and JLo need a serious sit down chat with some therapists. You don't have time to be making my pulled pork, but other people do and they need my help.
A couple of weeks ago, I took my friend Jessica some pulled pork and coleslaw to help her family during their time of adjustment after returning from Rwanda with their new son, Jack. I was elated to receive a recipe request and feedback from her that the family not only liked it, but that Jack ate the coleslaw, his first raw veggies since arriving home!
I'm a culinary genius.
Or, Real Simple might also be genius because I totally got the whole recipe from them.
I'm giving credit where credit is due, but I still like to think I add that extra dose of love that would really make the dish scrumptious. I was going to write to Jessica, but then this gem of an individual was introduced to me by Sara at Domestically Challenged, and I couldn't turn away.
Well, I had to squint and felt a bit nauseated, but I couldn't abandon her.
I'm sure you all know who she is, right?
Classy points all around. (I'd also like the record to show that I had no clue who she was either and assumed she was in playboy this October or something when I saw this photo.)
Since I've been "researching" her I am both fascinated and disturbed. She is a train wreck. I'll put a few clips in here so that you can experience some of her yourself. I do not want you going out on your own to study her. It's difficult to stop and it's probably worse than watching or reading about Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan combined.
I keep thinking though, maybe if she just knew how to make pulled pork in her crock pot, she would be OK. You know?
We have no choice but to try.
I'm not sure how you've escaped my radar for so long, but you were unknown to me until just last week. I'm sure this disappoints you since it appears you are one for enjoying attention. When oh when is your reality show coming out?
First things first, what is wrong with your mouth?
I don't intend to appear mean, but you constantly look like you are preparing to eat your husband when you both are in an interview. This is disturbing.
I realize you are only 17, so you probably aren't checking out the sitcom my Grandmother loved, but did you ever see that Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Robert goes out with a woman that seems really great, but then turns out to be obsessed with frogs and eats flies? Yeah, you remind me of her when you do that.
Do you eat flies? You probably shouldn't.
You know what else you probably shouldn't do?
Start a romantic relationship with a 51 year old actor online, met him, and then marry him at age 16.
Have you ever seen this little show called To Catch A Predator? It's pretty inspiring, and really creepy. The blossoming of your online love with a man older than your father sort of reminded me of that show.
In case you don't get a chance to check it out, sleazy old men try to meet in person underage girls they met online and then they are arrested. I wonder how many marriages like yours that show has coming out of it? It's like Match.com for the sexually perverse.
I won't ask you what you were thinking, because after researching you for a little while it seems that your brain synapses must not be firing appropriately. It seems thinking might just not be your thing.
I've read several interviews with your Mom also, who claims to be, "totally cool with the marriage," and I guess thinking just isn't your family's go-to move.
You know what else is totally cool? Your music video on a boat.
Well, it's not really cool so much as sad and homemade looking, which is fun when talking about from scratch pies and scarves, but isn't the best thing for music videos. I really admire your bold choice of color though. It's nice to see confidence in a young woman today.
It's also nice to see a young couple so happily married...well, half- young couple. Perhaps you could talk to Kim Kardashian and JLo about all the secrets of your satisfied and blissful union? I can only assume your tips would include matching Halloween costumes, lots of lip licking, and a commitment to constantly talking about your strong Christian values in a twisted and strange manner.
Side note: Please stop that. As a Christian, you are really jacking up our image, especially with your Jesus chatter on Twitter. You can't say this:
"Gratifying our glorious Lord for all the beauty that He continuously blesses each and every one of us with. Thank you Jesus! XO's ;-x"
And then this:
"I desperately need to be locked up in a cage tonight because I am feeling wet...wild...and passionately frisky! Meeeowww! XO's"
I could basically type most of your Twitter feed here. It's an amazing display of your brain-ish.
If you could stop tweeting, perhaps you would like to make some food?
Pulled pork seems like something you would like to discuss and twist around into something disgusting. Try to refrain from doing anything other than cooking the meat.
Here is what you need.
Please, for the love of God put some sweats or something that fully covers both your breasts and ass before going to the grocery store. No one there purchasing food wants to see that much of your business.
That's right, it's your business. Put it away around the food.
2 pounds boneless pork shoulder or butt (I'm guessing you want the butt.)
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 garlic clove, chopped
salt and pepper
1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons cider vinegar
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup sour cream
1/2 teaspoon granulated sugar
4 cups coleslaw mix
1 cup barbecue sauce
First, mix the brown sugar, chili powder, garlic and salt and pepper. Rub this mixture all over the pork. This might be difficult for you to do without being aroused in some way, this is something you probably need to work on immediately. It's just food.
Also, keep your mouth in check while doing this, especially if anyone else is around. No one would be able to eat this later if you are drooling and contorting your mouth all around it.
Put the pork in your slow cooker. Wait, you have a slow cooker, right? I wouldn't normally ask a 17 year old, but since you are married to a man in his fifties it seems like you probably would.
Add 1/2 cup vinegar and 1/2 cup water to the crock pot.
Cover and cook until the meat is tender and shreds easily, on high for 4 to 5 hours or on low for 7 to 8 hours.
The coleslaw should be dramatically easier for you to handle. I know that the pulled pork is littered with words that you could, and probably did, turn in to a sexual innuendo of some sort. Even the word crock probably made you think of crotch. Again, synapses aren't firing correctly.
(Full disclosure, I don't even know if synapses fire, it just seems like they should.)
Now, take the mayonnaise, sour cream, sugar, and 2 tablespoons of vinegar and whisk them together. Sprinkle with some salt and pepper and then whisk some more.
Never mind, you probably find all of this very sexual too. One of your tweets said that the wind blowing on your skin aroused you, clearly there is something VERY active about you.
Mix the coleslaw mix into the mayonnaise mixture, cover, and refrigerate until you are ready to serve.
When the pork is cooked, transfer it to a bowl, leaving the liquid in the slow cooker. Use two forks to shred the meat. If it seems dry, add a little of the liquid, but not too much, the barbecue sauce will help make it moist too.
(Moist is a horrible word.)
Mix in the barbecue sauce.
Serve it up with rolls, slaw, pickles, onions, chips, and for the love of God (which you profess to have so much of) please wear clothing when serving this.