Monday, October 3, 2011

It's Not A Good Sign When You Cry Over Toilet Paper

Tears immediately fell down my cheeks, hot with anger and exhaustion.  I wanted to scream but the only energy I had was for simple sadness.  I was crushed. I felt betrayed, alone.
The toilet paper roll empty, again.  There wasn't even a scrap in the entire bathroom.

My life is so challenging lately!

Just knowing I was going to have to walk all the way across my house to retrieve another package of toilet paper, probably even having to get out the footstool to reach it due to our jacked up storage, brought me to my knees in a puddle of tears.  A pathetic, sad mess.

While in that sad mess I also almost peed my pants. I was wasting so much time feeling sorry for myself that my child-weakened bladder almost failed me, much like my self motivation, my drive, and my enthusiasm for anything.

I'm not proud of this sort of moment, but it's what's going on lately. 

This is the sort of thing I have experienced off and on since last Monday when my body decided to revolt.  The vomiting, the aches, the simple exhaustion are just throwing me in to tailspin of annoyance and defeat. 

I do not want to feel like this.  I want to feel normal and strong again. 

(I'm not sure that I my normal state could be classified as "strong," but I like to think I'm more mentally and physically together than someone that cries and pees on the floor when out of toilet paper.)

Is there anything more exhausting for usually healthy, regular parents than being a sick Mom?

I can't stop thinking about how overwhelming the feeling of helplessness is when I am sick.  I have three small children that do not stop simply because I am having trouble making my body move.  They need to be fed, watched, engaged, bathed, and taken places.  There is no room for my aches and pains.

The kids drag toys all over the house and without my periodic sing-song (or sometimes shouts of rage)reminders of clean up time, things quickly become more and more chaotic and messy. The boys wake me from healing sleep to ask me questions about their cowboy hats, if they can play my phone, and report injustices in how many juices each child has been given.

I loathe this behavior when I'm sick.

Fine, I loathe this behavior when I'm well, but it is particularly rough when I also have trouble lifting my head.

My husband tries to help, but he is a worker.  He is job focused.  He is overwhelmed by his own to-do list, employees, target numbers, and football games. He will keep the children alive on the weekend, but the dishes will pile up, the kids will eat only cereal, the empty milk carton will sit on the counter...for days.

He will retrieve ginger ale and Tylenol if I remember to mention it when he happens to walk by, but it's simply not in his bones to care for and structure the days of our family.

Right or wrong, this frustrates me. I could barely speak to him this morning after a night of waking up nearly every hour to deal with Stella, which had nothing to do with him other than the fact that he slept through the whole ordeal....a serious medical miracle that should be studied.

I'm scared of being sick again. I'm scared that I'll be crying in the bathroom over toilet paper or an empty soap dispenser soon.  I'm scared all that will spiral into anger at my husband's approach to work, family, and me which will serve no purpose other than to put a huge rift between us that I would be hard pressed to repair right now since it's challenging for me to even shave my legs.

I'm also scared that I'm just being a selfish baby.

I'm really scared about that one.  Probably because I think it is partly true.

Let's reflect on happier times before I become even more pathetic. 

Remember how great Craft Night was last week? 

Or how fun it was when I went to Vegas and got crazy and drank milk in the middle of the day?
Or how magical it was in Indiana, at least until it wasn't?

Or when it flowed easily to write about the joy of Alex?

Or how much I love 25 Random things?

OK, reading all those made me feel a little better. If my post was a total downer, it's always best to re-read the past joy.  Or go read The Bloggess, because she is pure genius.


I just spent the last ten minutes trying to figure out if I spelled the word cheeks correctly because it looks so odd to me.  I need to go to bed.


The Preppy Girl in Pink said...

Leslie, You are entitled to days like this! We are moms 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. Time does not stop for us to heal and feel better. We have to keep going even though our bodies beg for rest. I have cried over a box of Ritz crackers that looked like it was full but when I picked it up out of the pantry, I instantly knew it was empty and someone was just lazy & didn't want to recycle it so they just shoved it back in the pantry! Ugh!
You will feel better, if not from your body finally winning the germ battle then from getting it all out on your blog!
Take care of yourself!

Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

Here’s to next week being a whale of a time and this week become distant memory.

Prudently Painted Vintage said...

Nothing worse than sitting down to pee to find no toilet paper. Ugh!! You're not be selfish. You're tired and overworked. Just like all of us moms. I'm sure puking a couple days ago doesn't help yOur emotional state either. Hope you get a good night sleep tonight!

lcarp51 said...

Anything I can do for you here in SoDak? Send a box of Benedryl to you? You could claim it is for allergies but a couple of those and you could be sleeping all.night.long. Just sayin.

momnextdoor said...

Ugh! I feel your pain. Not about being sick (at the moment...please Jesus don't let me get sick. Amen.) but about the toilet paper roll! I SWEAR my entire family will hold it for hours just so I'm the one that has to change it. (Which is the reason I keep tissues on the back of the toilet. I use those when the thought of going to get another roll makes me want to cry.)

But seriously, I hope you feel better soon! Being sick with kids who expect you to actually DO something is just evil. Pure evil!

Lorilynne said...

When I get sick, I spend most of the day begging my kids to behave and just be quiet for five minutes at a time so I can rest. It always backfires and they act even more crazy, making me even more exhausted until I finally break down in tears. I dread getting sick. I hope you feel better soon!!

Mel said...

Girl, being sick with kids is the worst. And, no, men don't always intuitively know to take care of you like we would of them. I have gotten to the point where I will say to The Mister, "I need to be babied just a little". It helps.

Hang in there, feel better!

KSK said...

:( I hope you feel better soon!
Meanwhile, just punch your husband in the arm when he doesn't wake up. He knows you're feeling crappy... he can deal with being tired at work for a day or two, right? (plus, just by punching him - you'll probably feel better...)

Lizbeth said...

I'm still trying to recover from being sick--the house is a mess, I have no lunches made and everyone else is still going on like its business as usual--except I'm half dead. All of the stuff can wait. Get yourself better first but yeah I'm a little bent that my husband was watching the TV with the kids instead of putting dishes in the dishwasher...hang in there!

The Random Blogette said...

You are not being a baby. I had to sit down and have a nice long talk with my husband one day. Well should I say I cried hysterically and yelled at him that he needed to help me or I was going to lose it. We both work outside of the home so he can't try to give me that crappy excuse of him being so tired from working. I refuse to listen to that. Sometimes men don't realize that it is emotionally AND physically draining to be a mom. We have to remember EVERYTHING. If not, our family is screwed.

When I was sick with the plague recently I still did things around the house and went to work. When he got the plague, he slept ALL DAY LONG. Tell me how that is fair.

I hope that your body is back to "normal" soon. HUGS! <3

Amanda I said...

I want to cry too every time the toilet roll is empty. Or worse, when my husband moves it to the counter (which is well out of arms reach).

Kelli @ RTSM said...

I can so relate....and you are so right about mom's being sick! The world doesn't stop or even slow down a little! I blogged a few years ago about crying about spaghetti that I spilled in my sink:)

Shell said...

You poor thing! I hope you feel better soon.

My husband is horrible when he's sick- like he can't move from the bed. And yet, I'm sick and I still have to do everything.

I just want rest sometimes.

January Dawn said...

Oh I've so been there. My husband left me for an "important board meeting" this past winter after I was up vomiting all night and dealing with 2 sick kids (he usually can work from home). A little part of me still hates him for that. I sure hope you feel better soon. I need a recipe-ish. No pressure or anything. ;)

alanna rose said...

I'm wishing you a night of uninterrupted sleep, a 15 year old babysitter who works for hot pockets and always cleans the house, and a guilt free purchase of something nice for yourself.

Being a mom is tough. *hugs*

Jen said...

Oh, you poor thing! I'm so glad you realized the empty toilet paper roll BEFORE you peed ;)
And men are such babies when they're sick, unlike us. I'd totally come and help you if I lived next door, or close by at all :)
P.S. You're funny even when you're sick.