You win all sorts of classy points* if you cannot tell me.
I fear that I might not be able to fill in a blank map of the United States with all 50 states accurately, or tell you who the Prime Minster of England is right now, but I know all about Sara Leal. I'm so sad.
Sara, 22, is a gem of a lady who recently confessed to sleeping with Ashton Kutcher, twice. She spilled it all in the hard hitting news journal, US Weekly, complete with a photo shoot where she looks sad, but content that she's banking on this interview.
The whole interview is just...embarrassing. It made me fear for all young women, including my daughter and her future self. I thought perhaps if I reached out to Sara to get to the heart of what is going on, and help her bake some muffins, perhaps she could give me some good advice on how to prevent my daughter from ever, ever, EVER being anything like her.
Also, though I am primarily concerned with my daughter NEVER being anything like Sara Leal, as the possible future Mrs. Bieber, I am extremely concerned about a hot young woman swooping in and sleeping with Demi’s younger man. This could happen to me and Justin someday. Right?
Oh Lord, this woman is making me so upset.
Oh Sara, you have gone to a bad place. You don’t ever want to be the random chick doing the married celebrity and then giving a tell-all interview.
Let’s get right to it, we have a lot of ground to cover.
I am really worried about you. As someone that has never met you and has only seen you in this article, I feel panicked about what is next for you. Drugs? Alcohol? Charlie Sheen? You need to take a few steps back.
You seemed upset when you describe photos of you which were posted online that make you look like “a drunk slut.” Sweetheart, this whole article does that. We didn’t need the photos to back it up.
Let’s run through the positive things I took away from your interview.
- You understand that Ashton is probably not ever going to talk to you again.
- You were not self-conscious about being naked, which I hope means you have a healthy body image. Yeah 22 year old you! (Please call me after you have a kid.)
- You were able to correctly identify the name of our President and at least one potential candidate for the 2012 election. A real thinker!
- You have adequately mastered the smoky eye.
- You went in to a girl filled bathroom to talk to Ashton Kutcher, a guy who normally plays a stupid person while “acting.”
- You engaged in a discussion about a threesome with someone who was rubbing your leg.
- You found the discussion about birth control “weird” with someone you had just been sitting on in a hot tub while naked.
- YOU HAD SEX WITH A PERSON YOU JUST MET WITHOUT A CONDOM
- You discussed your astrological sign “traits” and then allowed that to steer you toward a discussion about being religious.
- You might have thought Ashton thought you were funny as in witty, rather than funny as in ridiculous.
- You wear too many rings on one hand.
Let’s make some muffins and work this out.
Given the amount of alcohol you consumed the other night, I think it would be a good idea for us to give you some vegetables. We’ll make zucchini muffins. Not that vegetables have anything to do with alcohol consumption, but it just sets a better image for you to be eating “healthy” baked goods rather than filling your body with more damaging things.
You mentioned that it “caught you off guard” when Ashton didn’t wear a condom. You know what else will catch you off guard? A baby. Gonorrhea. Herpes.
If you are going to keep having sex without birth control there is a good chance we’ll soon be reading about your baby. If this statement confuses you, please contact me immediately for a quick lesson in reproduction, or try your best to get your hands on any ABC After School Special from the 80s.
You can watch it while we bake.
Here is what you need for the muffins.
(Just FYI, you should probably be buying organic, fair trade, straight from farmer, whatever you can on all this….you have some serious karma correction to take care of after this.)
1 cup all purpose flour
½ cup whole wheat pastry flour
½ cup sugar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
½ teaspoon salt
1 egg lightly beaten
½ cup vegetable oil
½ cup milk
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon vanilla extra
1 cup shredded zucchini
¼ cup mini semisweet chocolate chips (If someone else is eating these, you do not deserve chocolate anymore and should sub ¼ cup raisins. Besides, the baby needs iron.)
¼ cup chopped walnuts…though I think you should avoid nuts of all kinds for a while
DO NOT look at the magazine rack by the checkout. You are all over the place and I fear this may just fuel your delusional mind’s idea that people want to hear more from you. We do not. We want you to be very, very quiet until you have essentially forgotten that you ever had Ahston as your “lover,” as you called him several times in the article.
Can we go ahead and agree that the term “lover” is horrible? Please don’t use it anymore. I am so worried that other racy young women are going to hear you using it and think it’s cool lingo for describing their sexual partners, and they are going to be wrong.
Lover should only be used when you are trying to be funny, it’s the only time it’s OK. I swear.
Besides, it just cheapens your time with Ashton.
HaHaHaHa. Totally joking. Your time with Ashton was nothing but cheap, it could in no way be further cheapened unless you confess that he did something awful like urinated on you or something.
I just vomited a little.
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
Take a 12 cup muffin pan and either grease it up really well, which is annoying because you are going to have to really clean it later, or line it with paper muffin liners.
Get a bowl and mix together the flours, sugar, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt.
In another bowl mix together the egg, oil, milk, lemon juice, and vanilla.
Pour the dry mixture into the bowl with the wet ingredients and mix well.
The truth is Sara, you have an opportunity, for about the next ten minutes, to help prevent other young women from following in your footsteps. Could we agree that you have perhaps made some poor choices?
I would love any suggestions you have, tips and whatnot, for me to help my daughter become nothing like you. Did something bad happen to you as child? Do you not have love from your father?
It seems you had shots, vodka and sprite cocktail, then time in the hot tub….should I have this horrible formula stenciled on her wall now with a line through it or something?
Are you watching the wrong kind of TV shows? Too much Kardashian?
While you are thinking of other tips add the chocolate chips or raisins and shredded zucchini and fold in to the batter.
Pour the batter in to the muffin cups. Bake the muffins for 20-25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.
These are delicious and I think you should focus on these sorts of things for a little while. Bake more and have less random sex, particularly with people that are married and land you in the middle of a scandal that gets you fired. Besides, no one ever got gonorrhea OR a baby from baking too much.…that I’m aware of at least.
Good luck Sara and please, please contact me with any advice you have to keep Stella off your path in life.
*Classy Points are fictitious points I pretend to distribute to well deserving individuals that really impress me with their lack of pop culture information. Not to be confused with friend points, which I also avidly pretend to distribute and track in a make believe friend chart. There's a lot that I'm trying to pretend to keep up with, I'm exhausted.
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