Thursday, October 13, 2011

I Might Make Really Good Turkey Chili, It's a Recipe-Ish People

I went to the dentist yesterday. It was time for my six month check up and since one of my best friends is my dentist, I try to be regular about my visits.

It's a free outing and those are hard to come by. I even take time to pick out my outfit for this sort of event because I'm that pathetic these days. Her staff even helps with Stella so I like to pretend I'm at an important meeting.  I know, I know, I probably should go get a job.

She has one of those fancy offices with the TV over every chair so I watched the first 15 minutes of The View while Stella removed 100 travel tubes of Crest, pushed the lever that moved my seat up and down, and attempted to rip apart a stack of paper bags.

Now, if given the choice of shows to watch I probably wouldn't pick The View, but I never get to see TV like that so I was sort of mesmerized. Plus, it gave me something to do other than attempting to talk with some one's hands in my mouth.

Why is there ever any conversation attempt at the dentist? It's beyond awkward.

The leading story for their Hot Topics segment was that Justin Bieber had announced that he is in fact "in love" with Selena Gomez. Hot Topic indeed ladies.

I had recently heard some other things Justin had announced and I felt I could be silent no more.  I came home and wrote this letter to Justin to express my feelings on a few things, and of course teach him how to make turkey chili. 

I'm just a generous person like that.

Dear Justin,

Congratulations! I hear you are in love. This is huge. Now you are not only a giant megastar, but you now have someone to share all your success with on this journey through life. I'm so happy for you.

Or I don't really care.  I feel like you are everywhere though so I feel guilty for not caring. What is wrong with me?

I have heard a lot about your very deep feelings for Selena and how you are in love with her for a lot more than her gorgeous external appearance. I think that's just pee-your-pants-fantastic.

(First time using that phrase.  How it did it go over?  Would you like to make that phrase yours?  No charge.)

Your love of Selena as a whole person is simply a wonderful message to send to the young men and women of today, the inside is just as important as the outside.  I'm sure middle school and high school men everywhere are making gross jokes out of that message though.  They aren't all sweet like you Justin.

I'm guessing it doesn't hurt that Selena's outside looks like Selena though, right?

I watched an hour long special on you, and Justin, I think I like you. You seem pretty damn fantastic. I might possibly have a crush on you, it's promising to see you dating an older woman.

I'd like to take a moment to let you know that I can not be swayed from my husband under any circumstances, however, should he some day no longer be here, I think I'd be a fantastic catch for you. I am super fun (unless sleep deprived then I'm mostly whiny and a fun way though of course,) I know all the words to the songs on the radio because I'm really smart, I could buy you alcohol, I have three kids for you to play with, I also love Jesus and celebrate all his big moments, I can cook, I could be more like Demi Moore with the assistance of your limitless funds, I do believe I might be 18 mentally, and I am really fun to watch reality TV with because I always have witty comments. I'm just saying, we should probably keep in touch.

Do NOT tell Selena, it would be really uncomfortable for me.  Feel free to speak freely to my husband about it though, he's well aware that I am at times mentally unstable and given to what he calls "delusions" that some one like yourself might be interested in pursuing a nice Mom of three, twice your age.  He's clearly really uptight.

(Just to clarify though, I am in no way interested in you using your wealth and influence to "do" anything to my husband. I don't want there to be any confusion here, because honestly you are way too young for me any time soon.)

Despite my love for you, I recently saw something that sort of scared me about you. I read that you have been talking about how you want to be a young dad.

I think you probably meant somewhere in your upper twenties or early thirties, but the entire statement was far too ambiguous to not be totally dangerous for your demographic of influence. Why, oh why, must you discuss reproduction?

(Sidenote:  If we have any chance of making it as the next Demi and Ashton someday, I would have to insist that you watched, loved, and could sing all songs from Grease 2, including Reproduction.) 

I immediately felt compelled to write to you, as a Mother (something you should probably ignore if we have a chance of a future romantic relationship,) and warn you about your influence.  I can't have my daughter falling prey to someone like you and your crazy family making aspirations.

She's only one, but you're really cute.

I'm not sure if you know this or not, but you are something of a hot item in the pop culture world. There are a lot of tweens, teens, and possibly a few women in their 20s and 30s that are listening to your every word and thinking you might have the answers.

You could spark a world-wide cougar situation if these women think men like you are interested in being a father soon.  Playing with fire you are.
It isn't like we don't have enough problems with that MTV show 16 and Pregnant making parenthood look like it could be associated with the crazy fame so many of the youth are striving for these days, but now you are blabbing that being a young dad would be great!

Justin, shut your adorable mouth.

Let's make some turkey chili and give you something else to focus on for a bit.

Here's what you are going to need.

1 pound ground turkey (organic since you are loaded)
1 cup chopped onion
1 green bell pepper chopped
1 red bell pepper chopped
1 can rinsed red kidney beans
1 can rinsed white beans - I used Great Northern because I'm irked that I live in the South
1 can Mexican style diced tomatoes (ask Selena for help)
2 cans tomato sauce (8 oz.)
1 can corn - any variety, could also be frozen
Some tiny macaroni noodles, cooked and lightly tossed in olive oil
1 teaspoon chipotle chili powder (this is a randomly chosen amount, I just shake until I'm done)
1 teaspoon of cumin (this is a randomly chosen amount, I just shake until I'm done)
some water (start with 1/2 a cup because I have no clue, just to cut down on the tomato affect)

Put a large skillet on the stove with some olive oil and turn the heat to medium-high.

(Sidenote: For approximately three years I thought your last name was Beaver.  How common is this?  I also thought you were a girl for probably 6 months.  Justine Beaver, you were the hottest thing around and I was the crazy old lady trying to talk about that popular new chick Justine.)

Saute the meat, onion, and bell peppers until the meat is no longer pink and the onion is soft, but not brown.

While this is browning we can go over a few things.

Here are the topics I am comfortable with you covering however you choose:
  • Dancing, freestyle, hip-hop, sock-hops, etc.
  • Closed mouth kissing. It's hotter than sex.
  • How cool Moms are to listen to and be nice to.
  • Wearing a lot of clothes to cover most of your skin.
  • How tattoos suck.
  • How drugs are just for losers or people that are really bored.
Now take the browned meat and veggies and drain off any fat if you so desire. I keep the fat because I like to live on the edge...another idea?  Never mind, damn childhood obesity that's running rampant.

Pour this concoction into a large pot. I don't know the name for it, something you could envision scooping chili out of if you made it. Trust your instincts.

Now dump in everything else. Be bold.

Turn the heat up slightly and wait for the chili to boil, then turn the heat down, cover and simmer for about 10 minutes.

While that simmers here is more for you to work with regarding your image.

Here are the topics I am comfortable with you throwing in to "keep your edge":
  • Street racing
  • Ageism
  • Anything about "the club"
  • Staying up late
  • Interracial dating
  • Piercing ears (not stretching because it hurts my belly to look at it)
  • Piercing nose (stud only....because I had it so it can't be too bad.)
  • Interpretive dance
I know you hang with Usher a lot.  Do you ever ask him about that song he sings, Make Love In This Club?  I mean, has he done that?  Does that sound romantic?  Was he trying to woo a woman into sleeping with him in a club bathroom or something?  This concerns me.  Please report back soon.

I think I have decided what your problem is Justin.

(Other than your very black rimmed glasses, which I really don't like Justin.)

You keep talking about how you want to have kids while you are young so that you can kick a soccer ball with them. Kicking the soccer ball isn't ever going to be an issue Justin. 

An old man would never have the dexterity and muscle control to handle a screaming, wiggling infant that has just managed to poop their body weight up their back and into their hair.

An old man would collapse at the number of times they are forced to get up in the middle of the night for no specific reason and then pretend to be able to think the next day after getting 3 hours of disjointed sleep.

An old man would never be able to figure out how to get their kid's toy out of the super strength packaging to which they are seemingly permanently affixed.

An old man wouldn't be able to force a screaming toddler to sit down in the shopping cart while locating and retrieving a run away four year old, calculating how many gallons of milk to purchase for one week, and trying to remember how much wine is left at home.

An old man wouldn't be able to play soccer only if his wife weren't around to tell him where he and the kids last left it.

See Justin, none of this really matters because mostly the man, old or young, won't be in these types of spots and most wouldn't be able to do it regardless of age.

Sprinkle your turkey chili with some cheese, serve it with some crusty french bread and a juice box and just enjoy your time to be young.  And stop telling people in public that you would like to be a young dad without some serious specifics, I fear you could really cause some issues.

Keep in touch!

Linking up with Amanda's Weekend Bloggy Reading Link Party.  Check it out here.



The Preppy Girl in Pink said...

Seriously, how do these keep getting better with each one you write?! This was pee-my-pants-fantastic!!! I am still laughing as I write this. Btw, that ear stretching thing...totally makes me gag...literally, like saliva starts to pour in my mouth and my jaw does that heaving motion. Who thought of that?! Yuck!!
I'm having a party at my house for my field hockey team on Fri night. I'm sure we'll be dancing to the Beaver...I mean Biebs!
It's like baby, baby, baby ohhhh...

Suzanne Wilson said...

You're hilarious Leslie! Thanks for making me laugh...Grease...reproduction...:D... Beaver! you're too much!

momnextdoor said...

Did you see that reality singing competition (no, not Idol, or the Sing-Off, and not the one with Christina Aguilara, maybe it was America's Got Talent...but I'm not sure. Keep reading this anyway please, I have a point, I swear.) where the girl looked EXACTLY like Justin Beiber. She TOTALLY could have been Justine Beaver!!! It was a little freaky. Not quite as freaky as the ear stretching thing though (because *projectile vomit*).

Thank you for this recipe-ish!

(And sorry, maybe I didn't have a point.)

Awn said...

Pee-your-pants-fantastic is most likely going to come out of my mouth today!
On an unrelated yet related note, does anyone else think Selena Gomez looks slightly like a bobble-head? I can't figure out if she needs to eat a sandwich or if this is the natural state of things?
And finally, my goddaughter realized how uncool I am - at the age of 5 - because I don't listen to "Justin Biebler" as she calls him. Picture a small sassypants with a hand on her hip saying that...

Keri said...

Hehe I love it! My daughter, who is eight, still calls him Justin Beaver. Also, I didn't think Selena was that old. At least she still looks eighteen. Its kind of hard to tell with celebrities these days.

Shell said...

How I love these.

I thought it was Justin Beaver, too.

Sadly, I ended up knowing way too much about him during my brief celeb gossip writing stint. I grew to hate him during that, I have to say.

January Dawn said...

You know what's pee in your pants fantastic? This post... and the saying "pee in your pants fantastic.". You know what is NOT peen in your pants fantastic? When you walk into Shoppers Drugmart and there's a larger than life cut out of Justin Beiber and your 3 year old son turns to you and asks "-s that Justin Beiber?". And then I say "There is no reason for you to know WHO Justin Beiber IS. How in the world did you know that was Justin Beiber!?" I'm sure the make up counter girl thought I was some weird Mother that actually listened to him and possibly had posters of him in my closet. But I don't. Honestly. I have no idea how he knew that was Justin Beiber! He's 3! There's something wrong with that.

January Dawn said...

I just realized I said peen in your pants. That was not a Freudian slip. I blame it all my stupid blackberry.

KSK said...

:) I love these!!

I was at a department store the other day, talking to a friend that works there. I looked to my left, and there was Justin Beiber staring right at me! It was so creepy!
It was a cardboard cutout, but still a little terrifying.

Genia said...

LoL, too funny!

Newest follower via GFC and hope you'll follow back!

Happy Sunday!

Emmy said...

Don't hate but the Bieber kind of bugs me. But if he is your husband someday than I will totally like him as I trust your judgement and like you.