Thursday, October 6, 2011

I Might Make Really Good Sausage and Egg Casserole, It's a Recipe-Ish People

It's tough in Hollywood. There is an onslaught of criticism, judgement, and superficial everything. It can be painful and at times unbearable.

I should know. I feel it.

Now, I've never actually been to Hollywood, and I'm not at all famous, but I'm pretty sure I'm right.  I watch a lot of E and VH1. I'm informed.

It would be really difficult to be constantly criticized and compared to others. I saw an entire story on E yesterday about how Jennifer Aniston was seen wearing the SAME OUTFIT that she wore FOUR months ago.

I couldn't even believe there could be 10 minutes worth of discussion about that, but E took on the challenge and did some hard hitting journalism with that worldly issue. I was moved. Changing lives they are.

What's really sad is that 57% of people polled though that is was in fact wrong of Jennifer Aniston to repeat an outfit.  What the hell is going on?  People are all sorts of jacked up.

Speaking of jacked up...remember Leann Rimes?

You probably didn't until she cheated on her homosexual husband with a married man and got all skinny...unless you REALLY love country music. 

OK, her ex-husband wasn't gay. He was just a backup dancer turned chef. It just sounds like he should be gay....or the most fun husband to hang out with EVER.   Apparently he was not fun enough for her though.

She's been under all sorts of criticism lately for her body, and there seems to be a lot of lingering frustration with her morality over the cheating which occurred at least two years ago. It's tough to cheat and take other woman's husband in the public eye. People tend to not like you too much.

No one likes a super-skinny cheater, Leann.

You know what I don't like? I don't like that she keeps talking about how much food she eats.

It's just annoying.

I figured she could use another recipe if she's really eating so much all the time so I thought I'd share with her some thoughts I have on her "issues" and my egg and sausage casserole. No one can be that skinny and be eating a decent about of sausage, which everyone should be of course. It's like bacon, it's simply delicious.


Dear Leann,


You sure are taking the heat lately. Cheating on your husband, breaking up another man's marriage, and now you are too skinny?  You need to go on Extreme Makeover Home Edition again or something.  You have some serious karma repair to do.


What happened to that little girl with the big bangs singing on Star Search?  I miss her.

We're stuck with the adult version of you now though so I thought I'd reach out to you.  I feel like you've been wanting to hear from me. I tend to get feelings like that. 

Let's just get a few things out in the open.

First, I want you to know that I forgive you.  I would probably cheat on my husband too if he were gay-ish and Eddie came along.  I would of course have refused him unless he changed his name though. Eddie just doesn't work. Please send him my apologies, but his name sucks.

You're famous, why didn't you try to snag someone like Justin Timberlake?  Or Nelly?  Nelly could rap to you and probably carries a gun to protect your frail body.  I love him.

Why did you pick a guy with kids?  I've seen you bopping around town in your cute outfits, brushed hair, and pretty lip color, didn't you know that the kids will take all of that from you?  Were you trying to have kids without jacking up your tiny body?  Hmmmm...perhaps a smart move?  I bet your boobs are just as they always have been.  Bitch.

Next, I don't think you are anorexic, or bulimic.  I do think you are really skinny though and you should stop posting photos of yourself in bikinis on Twitter.  Your ribs stick out and it's just not cool.  It's sort of gross.  You are not making any friends this way Leann. 

You should get pregnant and show your stretch marks, that makes you friends.

Is Twitter paying you to post bikini shots?  If not, you're just an idiot.

I didn't say I was going to be nice the whole time Leann, I'm just reaching out and opening my heart to you. Embrace the honesty.  Wait....should I define honesty?

By the way, I read that you sued your father for millions of dollars.  It's important for you to know that this just pisses me off. 

Finally, where the hell have you been?  Before your affair I swear I hadn't seen you since your brief appearance in Coyote Ugly. 

Side note:  I used to have a fascination with working in a bar after seeing that movie.  I was convinced that I could be a total bad ass if I just worked as a bartender.  The closest I got was being a waitress and frequently crying when someone yelled at me.  I could never have made it at Coyote Ugly.

Before that you were singing that "How Do I Live" song and making me cry.

Side note:  In 1994 I pumped up the volume to that song while driving my Honda Prelude and cried and sang along.  I like to think that my rendition would have moved you.  I had just had a fight with my high school boyfriend and I was devastated. Thanks for being there Leann.  It meant a lot.

Anyway, every time I hear the discussion of your weight brought up to either you or Eddie, both of you mention obsessively how you eat "SO MUCH."  I don't know if that's true or not, but your ribs will not stick out so much if you were throwing back more sausage and cheese.

Let's make a casserole!

Do you like casserole?  If you say no then I will have to take back my forgiveness and start talking about your acting in TV movies. Not. Good.


By the way.  I remember seeing this beautiful piece in People magazine of you and your first husband at your "7 Year Itch Party" and thinking it was an adorable idea. I even thought about having one with my husband.  I'm the sort of person though that thinks about doing a lot of fun things like that, but rarely ever does them, so I wasn't ever going to actually throw a party like that.  I loved talking about it though.

Unfortunately very soon after that I heard you were cheating on him and leaving him for another married man with little kids, which substantially decreased the sweetness of the whole event. So happy I didn't have that party.

Apparently you were more itchy than you thought?

Let's get going. Here's what you need.

1 can of crescent rolls, Pilsbury.

(Don't get the reduced fat variety, no matter what anyone says it doesn't taste the same. If it tasted exactly the same then they would be made with less fat in the first place.) 

(You are showing a tendancy to make poor deicions Leann so I thought I should point this out.)

(Oh, and don't buy generic.  Despite what my Mom says, it isn't the same for everything.  Not all food companies are conspiring against you to charge you more money for a different label.  Well, some are, but not Pillsbury....have you seen that adorable white puffy man?  He's nice.)

1 pound of pork sausage

(I get Jimmy Dean original because it's the only one at my grocery store.  I'm picky like that.)

2 cups mozzarella cheese or combo of cheeses you like

3/4 cup milk - I'm recommending whole for you

6 eggs

salt and pepper

Preheat the oven to 425.  Get a 9x13 pan and grease it with Pam or something like that.

Brown the sausage.  Then let it cool.

While it cools you should stop and take a moment to look at the photo of you on your new album cover.  Why do you look like you just were arrested for drinking and driving?  A little smile to show people that you are a nice person would be a good call.  You should hire me.

Unroll the crescent rolls in the pan so it covers the bottom of the pan.  You'll have to pinch some parts together again since they tend to pull apart when you unroll it.

In a large mixing bowl, mix the eggs, milk, salt and pepper, cheese, and sausage.

Pour this mixture over the crescent rolls in the pan. 

Now put the pan in the oven for 15 minutes or until the middle of the casserole isn't raw anymore.  You can stick a knife in the middle and see if it comes out clean or eggy.

I haven't listened to your new albumn, but I certainly hope that as a country music star you are using all this to write some serious songs. Wait...did you cheat on your husband so you could write some songs?

It all makes sense now. 

Good luck Leann.  Eat.  More. Sausage....just make sure it's YOUR sausage.

9 comments:

Emmy said...

Yet another teenage star gone bad. They should just have a law against young people bing famous- would kill the Disney channel but hey we're looking out or the young people.

I am going to make ths recipe- my ribs don't stick out and my boobs sag so I can eat as much as I want.

Mel said...

I know that Leann is going to turn her life around after reading this excellent advice! I am even thinking about turning MY life around, now! You are awesome!
As for the sausagey goodness, who would be able to resist such a thing. I hear it reduces stretch marks and perks up boobs!

Shell said...

She really does need to eat. I don't buy that she eats soooo much. Your ribs don't stick out if you eat that much. At least not after you are a grown up.

The Preppy Girl in Pink said...

I have a ton of guys working in my house right now and they all came to find me at my computer to see what I was laughing so hard about. They all just went back to work laughing as hard as I was! I think I just found you some new followers out of geothermal heating/cooling installers! How awesome is that?!
By the way, I so loved Coyote Ugly. If I have one too many beers and find myself at a Karoake bar...I always go for a Leann song from that movie and pretend I am Piper striving to make life better :-)
Think I may have to watch it tonight...It's gotta be on TNT on repeat cycle, right?!

January Dawn said...

I saw her on Ellen the other day and she denied she had an eating disorder. SURPRISE! I'm not sure if she does or not. She may eat, like, A LOT (and then throw up) or she just eats A LOT of carrots and ice burg lettuce. I don't know. But I thank you for the long awaited recipe-ish. I just love your blog. Recipe-ish's or not.

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Jen said...

Hahahaha! Love your recipe-ish! You make me laugh.
I totally agree with the generic crescent rolls, Pilsbury rocks...this also applies to the cinnamon rolls as well.
P.S. Eddie's hot ;)

Prudently Painted Vintage said...

So I knOw Leann and when I say I know her, I mean I once ate dinner at the same restaurant as her. AND her personal assistant told me my purse was cute while we were waiting to pee (too much wine). So like we are best friends. I will be sure she reads this ;) I know you think I'm really cool now!

I missed your recipe-ishes. My favorite read. By far.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I think the whole milk was an excellent suggestion. After all, how many MORE bikini twitter pics can we handle? I am making that egg bake for my husband. I made him one last night with hashbrowns and he yapped. Maybe you could write him a letter on how to make it his darn self?
Oh, and her ex was for sure...