Thursday, September 15, 2011

I Might Make Really Good Greek Beans, It's A Recipe-Ish People

Have you heard that Kate Gosselin's TLC show will be no more?

I just finished reading the People magazine article on her and....well...she's in a bit of a financial pickle.

She has a strong desire to maintain her current lifestyle of a large home, private schools for her kids, and what she seemed to be stressed the most about in the article, lavish vacations. 

This is where you go get the Kleenex.  What if she can't take the kids around the world again?!?!  I bet the Jolie-Pitt family will totally snub them. 

I have only seen one or two of the early episodes, from back in the good old days when it was Jon and Kate together and Jon hadn't had time to discover nannies or Ed Hardy apparel, but I am fascinated by the swarm of discussion about this woman.  People either love her or hate her, but most I have found hate her.  Ouch.

Even while purchasing my People magazine, Shenalyn (horrible name) the HEB cashier that could not be a day over 18 commented on how Kate is, "the worst mom EVER."  Not that any one's opinion counts that can't even purchase a bottle of wine, but geez, those are strong words.  Aren't most teens supposed to reserve that kind of hatred for their own mothers? 

Side note:  I should probably go talk to her about her relationship with her mom, clearly her mom has tricked her into not hating her.  She could be a good resource for my future.

There are always discussions on how anal and controlling Kate is, including in this article.  I'm baffled about why people are surprised by this though.  I mean, she has EIGHT kids, of course she's going to be running life like a  drill sergeant and have irrational outbursts of rage.  She has EIGHT kids.  

I would be PISSED.

Give the lady a break.

No one with that many children can be sane, all the time.  That Duggar lady is clearly on drugs since she always seems chipper.  Not birth control, but some sort of mood altering drugs....just to be clear.

Anyone with more than four or five kids has my permission to be cranky all the live long day until the are all 18 and no longer running around their house.

Besides, can't we agree that there are a few worse moms out there....oh say, Kasey Anthony or any of the Moms that take their children to cult compounds and make them drink poisoned Kool-Aid or something?  I mean, cranky and putting your kids on camera seems pretty damn nice.

Anyway, this lady has been through it. I don't know how I feel about all her actions, but I figured that anyone with eight kids, a tool of an ex-husband, and some really horrible former hairstyles deserves a recipe to whip up for herself. 

Yes, this is for her, not the kids....primarily because my kids won't eat it, but she might scare her kids into eating it.  Go Kate!

Dear Kate,
I am sorry to hear that TLC cancelled your show, cutting off your reported $25k per episode income.  That's some good cash for someone filming your life.

Do you think you could tell TLC that I am always fascinating to watch?  I only have three kids and my husband isn't a total jackass, but I really want to buy Stella a pony.

I am a little embarrassed, (also a little proud,) to say that I really didn't see your show more than once or twice, back in the Jon days.  I watched the one where he took you to the Gap to buy new clothes and you guys got Starbucks while someone else watched the kids.  That looked nice.  It sort of made me think that I could handle eight kids like that.

I also saw you on Oprah, which again made me wish I had eight kids so I would have something to make Oprah want to talk to me.  I know you get a bad rep for being a bitch, but I liked you on that show.  Oprah seemed to like you too, which sort of made me think you can't be all bad. 

Not that Oprah is in charge of everything I like, but well...yes she is.  I miss her.

I figured with your new found unemployment and all your fears about how to support the kids, (I almost forgot, I saw your new Audi sports car you bought last week on E - LOVE  IT!) you probably would love an affordable, tasty meal you could make for just you.

This recipe is from my Mother-In-Law, she calls it Greek beans.  I have this amazing Greek cookbook though (that our temporary dog just peed on) and it doesn't even mention these, so she might have made it up, but either way it's delicious and cheap....I know you want to be able to buy gas for that new car, oh and the kids. 

It's important to think about the kids.

I can't help but ask though, can you actually transport eight kids in a sports car?  Do you take them places in shifts in an attempt to get quality time with each of them? That would be smart! 

And stupid, because you could probably just sit and talk with them individually in the yard or something for free.

On one of the episodes I saw you had a bus sort of van, which seemed more practical for your family, but I am NOT here to judge you for spending a lot of money on a car that you can't even drive your kids around in...I might judge you on other things though, I can't make any promises.

You keep that fancy car though, you'll just eat Greek beans every night and you'll be fine, and no more shopping at the Gap with Jon and drinking Starbucks.  Those drinks are $5 each Kate, it's time for a lifestyle change.  Old Navy and home brew for you.

Do you ever lay in bed at night and sort of wish you had stalked Jon until he decided to come back home?  I mean, he is clearly a total wanker, but with eight kids it sort of doesn't matter, right?  He's an extra set of hands, ears, eyes, legs, which I would think would be pretty handy with that many children. 

I often tell my husband that I would hunt him down and make him come back to me if he ever left, or at least leave with the kids. I am not doing this alone.  It's a really romantic conversation.

Back to the Beans Bitch!

(Sorry, I don't know where that came from, it just sounded fun with all the B's.  I don't leave my house much.)

Here is what you need.

A huge bag of fresh green beans.  I have no idea how much, it always makes less than I think it's going to so fill up one of those plastic produce bags at the grocery store.

Some spaghetti half a jar?

Olive Oil
Water, flat, just to be clear.  You're making $25k an episode, maybe you need these types of distinctions.

Feta cheese to crumble on top.  (Or have someone crumble it for you.)

Also, you could eat them by themselves, but I personally think you would be nuts to eat them without a loaf of fresh, crunchy french bread.  You have eight kids though, maybe you are nuts?

I intentionally chose this recipe for you because of your reputation for being so exact and controlling.  I thought having a recipe like this would be liberating for you, good practice for the unknown nature of the future. 

Surprise!  I am your new life coach!  Next we will be doing trust falls and some exercise on boards in the woods.  Hooray!

Fine, basically, I have no specific instructions for you and I was just trying to make it sound purposeful.

Do not roll your eyes at me, talk to my Mother-in-law, she made it up.  She's a wing it sort of gal and this is a wing it sort of recipe.  It's good though, really good, when you figure it out.

Here's what you need to do, more or less of course.

First, snap the ends off the green beans.  This is a great job to make one of your children do.  If you put the bag of beans in front of all eight of your children it would probably take less than five minutes to get this finished. 

You're like someone from the olden days where you have a bunch of kids to help you work the land. You are just like that, with hair extensions.  And that sports car. And $25k for every 30 minute episode someone makes of you just living your life and going on vacations. 

Yes, exactly like someone from Little House on the Prairie.  Laura's braids were totally fake.

While your kids are snapping off the ends of beans, try to not think they look like a severe violation of child labor laws in Indonesia or something.  They are American and they should probably work at something since the first thing one of your kids did when hearing about the ending of the show was, "no more fun trips?"  That kid needs a chore or something.

You need to brainstorm some classic "middle class" children's vacations.  I know Australia and Alaska might have been "fun," but really, what's wrong with hopping in your bus/van and driving with eight kids to the different Civil War battlefields and eating picnic lunches at rest stops and distributing hand sanitizer frequently? 

Wait, that does sound sort of shitty.  I hear Alaska is amazing and I lived and traveled around Australia, you've totally screwed your kids' perception of a good time.   You're supposed to take the crappy trips first Kate.  Crappy first, then build up to fantastic.  

Let me know if you have any other parenting questions, I'm doing it all right here.

You are going to need a new high paying gig or your kids are going to live with your slimy ex and start wearing clothing that looks airbrushed and filled with skulls.  Your daughters wearing Ed Hardy would be tragic. Oprah would surely intervene.

Geez. Maybe we should just get back to the recipe, I see nothing happy in this vein of conversation.

After you wash the snapped green beans, take a large skillet and heat some olive oil and garlic.

Now add the green beans and stir them around for....a while.  3 minutes?  8?  I have no idea. Don't let them get wilted or anything, not that I even know that they could, but it's probably best to just flash fry them.

(Full disclosure, I have no idea what the term flash fry means but I liked the way it sounded for these instructions so you better figure it out.)

Now remove them from the heat and put them in a large stock pot. 

Now put the stock pot over medium high heat, pour in some spaghetti sauce and a little water to thin it out...but just a little.  Turn up the heat a little more so that the sauce can thicken and some of the water can burn off a little. 

I think that's what's going to happen at least, I can't be certain. 

Recipe-ish Kate. Recipe-ISH.

You need to let this sit and simmer for a while, periodically stirring, and possibly adding a little more sauce and/or water until the beans are soft but not mushy.  This is going to take a while, like an hour or so.

I hear you might go back to nursing if you have to, but you would really like to have a talk show.  Can I just say, and I think I speak for actually EVERYONE, just don't.  I liked (very loose use of the word here) hearing you talk about how you manage with eight kids, but I really don't want to hear anything else you have to say.  I was a nervous wreck every time you walked out to dance on Dancing with The Stars, even when you just had to talk. 

I don't know whether I like you or not, I definitely don't hate you, but I know for sure that you make me nervous in the most mundane of TV an interview with Guiliana Rancic.  Come on, she's so nice on TV.  She does have a lot of hair though, and that can be scary.

While you think about what you can do other than TV I think you should check the beans.  Maybe add a little more sauce?  A little more water?  You are in charge of the beans Kate.

I think you are going to be fine though Kate.  Your kids are surprisingly adorable, so I'm sure they will help you persevere.  I did hear that two of the cuties were asked to leave their fancy private school due to behavior issues, oops!  Was one of them the brat that was pissed he can't go on any more fancy trips?  Seirously, he should be the only one that has to snap beans. 

Well, the two hoodlums probably won't help you push through this tough spot, but they might be good for extra media attention when no one is putting you on the cover of People magazine anymore. 

Send them to school with a baggie of coke (do not let them do it, that would be bad,) or instruct them to try to spray paint things or try to divorce you.  You'll figure it out.  Those troubled ones might just be your ace in the hole.

Does that expression work here?  I really want to use it.

Oh yea, and you have that cool Audi to help you through the dark days of no luxury vacations.

You will also eventually figure out these beans Kate. Once they are nice and soft, scoop them in to a bowl with some of the sauce and sprinkle with feta, rip off a chunk of bread, pour a hefty glass of wine (I see you as a blush gal), and enjoy some peace.

Do you ever have peace?  Remember how you have eight kids? 

Good luck Kate.

Linking up to Amanda's Weekend Bloggy Reading Link Up Party, check it out!


Kelly said...

I love this recipe-ish because I love Greek green beans. I have them every year at the Greek festival and at my favorite Greek restaurant, but like you, my Greek cookbook did not have the recipe either. High five for your mother-in-law.

lcarp51 said...

Random! My favorite!
She does invoke a kind of response I haven't seen for anyone else. I think you should do a recipe-ish for all the cheapskate producers who thought real life people would make good TV subject matter. At 25K, she's still a bargain compared to real actors. But not if she sues the network for all the therapy her family will have to have...just an idea.

mama_pez said...

Hilarious! I love it. :) (you know us commenters are seriously hoping for our own recipe-ish, right? Right? Maybe something with peanuts for the peanut gallery? ;)

Kelli @ RTSM said...

I think my favorite part is picturing you as Kate's life coach out in the woods working on trust exercises! Hilarious! Oh and that poor kid who won't get to go on fancy vacas anymore:)

alanna rose said...

I just found you, I think this is fantastic. I also think that you live in my head and write the way that I want to, but I'm afraid people will not "get it." But I get it.

Also, I'm going to make the beans.
And drink wine.

Desperate Housemommy said...

I've actually never given the woman much thought. Thanks for doing it for me...I'm lazy like that.

Perfect recipe for the post. Also? Excellent usage of "Ace in the Hole." :)

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

This made me laugh so hard! I have to agree with you that if you have 8 kids, you have to be a kind of controlling schedule freak. I don't blame Kate for that one bit. I'm still on the fence about her. Thanks for joining my Weekend Bloggy Reading party. :)

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

She does seem to invoke these types of feelings, doesn't she? Now, Guliana? Yeah, that hair is something. Oprah doesn't need you to have 8 kids to talk to her. Just a rockin' recipe.