Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Why Wasn't Aiden Worried About ME When He Went To School Today?

He LOVED it. He had a wonderful day.  He made a friend with the same lunch box. He couldn't believe all the food choices at lunch. He can't stop talking about this person called the principal that you go see if you're really bad and the nurse that you go to if your tummy hurts. 

(He informed me that his ankle hurt for a while today, but he did NOT want to go see that lady.  Good thing I quelled my sarcasm during the school tour because I started to tell him that was where a witch's office was that tried to heal you.  Sometimes I make good parenting choices.) 

He is actually STILL up at 9:30, smiling and being giddy in his room. He came out to tell me he couldn't sleep because he was smiling too much. 6:30 is going to hurt for him tomorrow morning. At least he hasn't been drinking, that would hurt.

Wait, I don't think he's been drinking...he was away from me for EIGHT hours today. Anything could have happend and I wouldn't know.

He was all sorts of adorable this morning with his excitement and willingness to pose for more photos and his "is it time to leave yet!" because he was ready to burst. He giggled while getting dressed, he barely ate any breakfast, and he asked me for the millionth time why he could ride the bus in the morning instead of having his lame parents take him?

Fine, he didn't call us lame, but he might as well have.

All his joy made me very sad. I mean, why is he so flippin' anxious to run out the door and leave me?


This is NOT the time to remind me of the millions of posts I have done about how I can't wait to be rid of him.  Bite your tongue people, bite your tongue.

I really was happy that he was excited about this very HUGE moment in his life, I would much prefer his enthusiasm to him being terrified and sad, like I was. I knew he would be like this though. I knew he needed this, thrives from the challenge, the socializing, the getting out of the house for more than errands.

I sort of wished I was going with him. I could use those things too.

It was all a bit much for me though. I mean, I know I've wanted it for so long, but geez, did I have to send my first born child off into the world with nothing more than a hot pink 2"x3" piece of paper safety pinned to his shirt to help guide him back to me?

I felt very unsettled having to pin his name, phone number, teacher, lunch choice, and bus number to him. I mean, I understand, but shit it felt so casual. He seemed so loosely connected to me, to school, to anything to keep him safe. I saw the 20/20 on Jaycee Dugard, I had little confidence in that small piece of paper.

But he came home to me. He got off the bus with his favorite neighborhood friend and ran, smiling all the way to me...and then promptly ditched me to play Wii with his friend and eat the brownies that I made for him. He's super selfish.  Or maybe I am.  Shoot, this is confusing.

This is how it goes though, right? I just worked my ass off for the last 5 1/2 years to keep him safe, teach him to pee in a toilet, say please and thank you, stop using the word poop, share, only pick his nose in private, zip his fly, be kind, be curious, be Aiden...and now he's sort of over me.

This is the role. This is what I'm working my ass off for, so they can all leave and function well without me. This is what I am always yearning for, some time, some space, some more me.

Prayers are answered, so watch out.

I think I felt sad because I felt a little disappointed in myself this summer. I've been so anxious to get to this point, to have him somewhere else. I know this time with them will be over fast. I know I will miss their wanting me, I will miss the hours of no plans and their delight at my involvement in anything with them.

I don't feel guilty for wanting more time for me, I don't feel guilty for not enjoying every single moment of this role of motherhood, because I don't think it's reality to only want your kids all the time, but I do ache for my inability to at least live in the now with them and when I am present, I want to be fully there.

I guess I'll just try to do better with Cole and Stella.  Aiden was basically my practice kid, right?

It was nice to just have Cole and Stella though. We went to the gym and the grocery store without much of a to-do at all, which was awesome. Cole is much more calm and easy without Aiden encouraging him to knock off a bunch of bananas or sneak away from me while I'm picking pasta.

Cole missed his brother though. He spent most of the day carrying around and talking to a stuffed cat. He even took the cat on a hike.  This is really me putting his lunch in a bag, him putting on his backpack and carrying a towel to the backyard, something he always does with Aiden.  I tried to join him but I think he sort of wondered what the hell I was doing following him around and intruding on his hike?

Umm...can you get off my towel?  I'm on a hike here.

He lost the person that has been around every day of his life so far.  His playmate for as long as he can remember.  Everyone is making a HUGE deal about Aiden's kindergarten and Aiden's new friends and Aiden's clothes, backpack, lunch box, etc. He's still just here, with me, running errands and being yelled at to stay in his room at rest time.  Talk about lame.

I felt badly for him today. He starts school next week though and his birthday is this weekend so there is hope on the horizon for him.  He even started inviting people to his birthday party today! 

Minor detail that we have never planned, mentioned, thought of having a birthday party for him this year.  Who wants a donut on Saturday in honor of Cole?  Swing on by, we're calling it a party I guess.

So my day came.  Summer ended and life was a little easier today, and I think it's just going to keep getting better.

Yep, that was a hint of optimism from me.  Watch out.


Lee Ann said...

My "baby" just up and started school last week too!! What's with that?? I know it would be awful if she was hurling herself at my legs and declaring her undying love for me and I KNOW it is inappropriate for me to do it to her!! Lol
but I kind of wish she would maybe give me a wave as she casually strolled in lol. Love your take on it all, as always.

enjoy your "me time" , I wish I had thought it through better, everyday I cram my house with other peoples children - and call it work! Lol I think I might be mad! One day I will remember to schedule myself in somewhere!

Lee Ann said...

Hmm there are at least 3 "lols" too many in my previous comment. Apologies for that!! x

lcarp51 said...

YAY!!! You made it!!

Laura SQ-The Boy Mommy said...

Don't be so hard on yourself!

aaand, the best line ever was "I sort of wished I was going with him. I could use those things too." I get that.

Emmy said...

It wasn't until about halfway through Lucas kindergarten year that I started to really believe when people say it goes too fast so to enjoy it. You always hear it but it is so easy to ignore... but then it will just hit you one day.

So so happy he is loving it so much!

Kimberly said...

I didn't realize we could use our oldests as "practice kids." That makes me feel SO much better. ;)

Glad he enjoyed school! I hope it gets easier for you.

Shell said...

Aw, such a milestone!

Today, 2 of my 3 are in school! Woohoo! It's so quiet!

Um, except that my youngest is now mooning ME since his brothers aren't around.