Also, apparently when you are frustrated and cranky it is more difficult to be a sane disciplinarian...or possibly even kind to your kids. It seems that your kids also really feel the affects of your foul mood. No one cooperates as well or feels good doing much of anything.
I don't want to say that I'm making Cole and Aiden misbehave, because that would place all the blame on me and that just doesn't feel good, but they are not in a good place lately. We are having all sorts of problems, all of us.
(I'm sticking to the fact that their problems are because they aren't sleeping enough, because sleep is always my excuse for my children's lack of perfection. It works in almost every situation. Try it.)
The other night Cole walked out of his room after being asleep for a few hours to tell me he was having a bad dream. By that point I had been away from the kids for two hours so I was able to be kind and loving in the way that I asked him what he was dreaming about that was scaring him?
(I can be a good Mom....provided I am given solid blocks of time in between all parent-child interaction. Not sure when my children are going to figure this out.)
He told me that a VERY scary person was doing all sorts of things to him.
"What kinds of things were they doing sweetheart?"
He then proceeded to tell me a list of basically every interaction I had with him that day.
I felt washed with guilt....and then I thought, "ummmm maybe that scary person was just doing what they had to do Cole? Maybe you weren't behaving properly and you aren't going to be catered to by anyone, even a scary person."
I genuinely feel that I was pretty solid in my parenting that day, but I can't deny that his "dream" shook me a little though. Am I too hard on my child? Am I doing more harm than good? Am I going to have to pay for therapy after this?
Is this driving Cole to eventually spend drunk nights at a karaoke bar singing Kelly Clarkson's Because of You and weeping into a microphone while people wonder how he got so crazy? Motherhood failure.
You know how I'm solving all this? It's profound so brace yourself.
I'm putting myself on a schedule. I'm putting us all on a schedule.
That's right. My phone is beeping and chiming at me and I am often ignoring it, but mostly following along. I'm planning for the beginning of the all powerful school year (hallelujah) by getting us going on a schedule that will work to keep us all moving forward.
I see an end to my misery in sight and I am for the first time in a long time, excited about every day life. Because of our schedule. Because my phone beeps at me.
I actually think it's a combination of my phone yelling at me and that book, The Happiness Project, that I'm reading that makes me think all the time about what would make me happy, how could I be enjoying the most mundane of tasks more? I think it might be working.
It has been a looooonnnnnnnngggggg summer for us. I barely remember a time when I felt happy and peaceful about the days. A time when Aiden wasn't so bored out of his gourd that he could actually be nice to his brother for a few minutes. A time when Cole spoke instead of whined to tell me something. When Stella slept for four hours of the day so I could get some stuff done.
A time when I wasn't such a raging bitch all the live long day.
Those were good times.
We will have those times again people. Oh yes, the schedule and my determination to "fake it until I feel it," about my joy is going to allow all the happiness to froth to the top. Or, I'm basically going to become so delusional it won't matter.
Maybe I'll go back to my fascination that starting a meth habit would be a good idea? There would be so much time to accomplish things. That has to be handy. Who needs nice/whole teeth when you could check off your entire to-do list?
The new schedule involves me waking up at 5 on three or four mornings a week to go to classes at the gym. I've been spinning and body sculpting and hating it and then loving it. It is amazing to get the day started early...but I've also been falling asleep while reading stories at rest time to the boys and allowing them to run all over the house while I attempt to recoup those lost hours of sleep. I have firm control over all actions in this house, even while sleeping during the day, I swear.
Fine, there are a few kinks in the plan. But mostly it's great.
I also have scheduled time to work on my computer, play with the kids, and prep for dinner. It's a little over the top right now, but it's working. It makes me feel less trapped by the grind. It's helping me to actually find time to be me, but also be the Mom I want to be....a semi-rational and happy one.
Oh, you know what else is helping with my life transformation?
I am going to VEGAS BABY! I'm ditching my kids with Alex and an assortment of sitters for Thursday-Sunday so I can go to Vegas with my best girl friends and party it up.
(Hopefully I won't be telling anyone else that I'm going to party it up while I'm there. I have a rep to protect.)
Maybe my schedule is crap and it's all about Vegas?