Tuesday, August 9, 2011

When You Take Sudafed, Your Kids Will Grow Up Thinking Reproduction Is Basically Like Filling Easter Eggs With Fish

I had a conversation with Aiden about reproduction earlier that I am sure left us both traumatized. It started off innocently enough with some questions about why our dog can't have puppies and the next thing I know I'm saying things like "swimming sperm" and "fixed" and "monthly ovulation."

He left the conversation believing I have a large collection of Easter eggs inside my belly, waiting to turn into babies if Daddy puts swimmy fish in to them. Good Lord, what have a done?

I will have to sort through that one when I've had more sleep.

My brain is a jumbled mess now so I'm just going to type and you'll have to work a little harder to keep up.  I can't do all the work here people.  Remember, I'm in a tunnel of doom.  Or, at least I was...more on that later.

I've been up since 2:30 am so I'm a little confused about, well, everything.  I also went to the gym thinking it would revive me, and give me a much needed break from my kids.  I figured one hour to work out, then one hour to sit in the locker room and give myself a pep talk about how poorly I would do in prison if I just left them in the Kids Club. 

I was thinking the work out would give me massive amounts of energy, and I was right.  I felt so energized, for the whole thirty minutes after I left the gym, and now I want to collapse.

In case you are wondering, I wasn't up at 2:30 to think about how horrid my children are, I did plenty of thinking about that earlier in the evening.  There was a combination of a severe sinus headache, baby crying, dog wanting to go out, and I am convinced there was caffeine in the Sudafed I took that kept me up.

I love starting the day on four hours of sleep! 

(See how I'm back to working on my fake it until you feel it approach to happiness?  My kids are a fantastic source of challenging fun!  I feel so alive!)

I probably just should have spent the night learning how to make meth from my Sudafed so I wouldn't actually need to sleep.  Next time, for sure.  Is there an app for that?

If you read my "post of darkness" yesterday, as I like to call it, you are probably curious as to whether or not I should be allowed alone around my children with sharp objects easily accessible, or possibly even whole boxes of Sudafed.  Well, I'm still close to the edge, but not feeling quite as tragic.

I must say though, as a blogger that LOVES to receive comments, the "post of darkness" really did the trick.   I loved each and every one of them, and not a single nasty commenter...which is sort of disappointing because that's always interesting.  I felt lifted up, cared for, part of a community that supports me, and I thank you all for that.

I know a lot of people expect me to be funny, which maybe I am from time to time, but it was nice to have my dark side well received as well.  It needed to come out, and writing the post was therapeutic and very helpful in giving me some perspective. 

I do feel like I should apologize though to anyone reading for the first time yesterday or earlier today.  How traumatic to have the "post of darkness" as your first vision of me. Had you pictured me with jet black hair, heavy eyeliner, and dark clothing studded with metal?  Only on Thursdays. 

A good friend of mine said my blog was mentioned at her bible study last night as "hilarious" and I had this vision of several new readers hopping on the Internet for giggles and getting all my doom instead.  Sorry bible study ladies, read some of the older ones from back when I had joy and a smile in my heart.

Kidding. Sort-of.  I still have joy-ish, and my heart is a closed mouth grin currently, which isn't so horrible since last night I had to stop myself from googling "safe places to ditch your kids" or "sentencing for abandoning children at the gym."  It was just a bad day, there will be another one, but that one is definitely gone. 

I not only feel like I should apologize to the bible study ladies, but also to my relatively new porn searching audience.  Ever since I wrote a post and put the word "Porn" in the title, I get all sorts of visitors that were really searching for something else entirely.  Something a bit more racy than I have to offer.

Some of the things searched that landed some awesome people here?

Those are only a snippet too.  There are word searches for sex and pee, neighborhood cheating porn (classy and confusing), and it goes on and on.  Try not to vomit.  I've fluctuated between laughing and feeling a little frightened.

By the way, I really want to meet you, person searching for "rap stuff for people who mess with me" (because that is hilarious) and persons searching neighborhood porn....because there have been a lot of you. 

I don't want to shake your hands, at least not without a serious amount of hand sanitizer, but I'd love to hear how you are enjoying my posts about tantrum throwing children and how to make Popsicles?  Did you like the one where I talk about how hot it is outside?  Are you feeling satisfied? 

I can only assume my writing really resonates with those of you interested in porn. 

Perhaps one of you could recommend a do-over conversation on the baby/puppy making conversation I had with Aiden earlier?  I'd prefer to leave out any references to urination or cheating if possible.

Or the bible study ladies?  Anyone?  I can't just leave things as they are.  Or could I?


Emmy said...

And now what is this title going to get you!!?! :). This post is hilarious- bible study and porn mentioned in the same sentence practically! I think I need to make my titles more racey you get much funnier hits than I do...or maybe I don't want your hits :)

Prudently Painted Vintage said...

Oh my goodness crazy lady! Do not take sudafed at night! Are you nuts? I would be wired for 12 hrs on that stuff! Like I just drank 5 shots of espresso.

I'm super jealous of your google hits. Way more interesting than mine. Which include "burlap pillows" burlap curtains" painting stripes" best running shorts" and most popular "diaper bag tutorial". Yeah I'm so exciting.

mama_pez said...

I would leave the reproduction talk alone until they start asking more questions. When they do, just answer the question they ask and no more. If they keep asking questions then keep answering, but avoid adding details they may not be ready for. There is a pretty good book that might help: "The New Speaking of Sex: What Your Children Need to Know and When They Need to Know It"
I kind of like the fish in the Easter egg image. ;)

kristy.lynn @ kristy.makes said...

OMG. i'm sitting here contemplating writing a post about my lying child. who i smack in the back of the head at least once a day for smartmouthing or disrespecting me. sitting here thinking about how the world of blogging mothers is about uplifting your child & praising & how to be a better mommy, bla bla bla bla. i'm sitting here with a heavy heart wondering where the heck i went wrong in 7 years & how i change it. because he's a good kid, and i am the worst version of myself these days. i started clicking through my subscriptions & came across one that linked to yours. mommy therapy indeed. it's absolutely what i needed this morning. kids are kids. they are fun & sometimes they are a downright pita. and you need to vent. so your bad post you are worrying about apologizing for? i needed to hear it. so thank you.. the lack of sunshine & smiles is refreshing. you are totally going to the top of my must read everyday list! ........ and i was all impressed when i found people googling 'the mr & mr's books' to get to my blog. GIRL! you got me beat... and i think i'd be looking out my windows if i logged in & found people finding me from those search words. lol.. :)