It's time to vent.
I have been hit today. Two of my children have tried to bite me. I have been disrespected, ignored, and abused. I have cried....oh I have cried.
I feel inadequate as a parent. I feel like I can't figure out what to do for my kids that will make one bit of difference to change all this. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I am falling short. I'm failing.
I feel like I have too many kids. I feel like I have ignored my limits. I feel like I am drowning.
I want to leave. I want no part of this. It's too much right now.
I know it's probably just a bad day. It's probably just a combination of a few overwhelming situations. They aren't bad kids, I'm not a bad Mom, but we sure are all jacked up today. We are jacked up too often lately.
I need today to be Thursday. I need to be on a plane escaping. I need something different right now. I'm sick of trying to figure out the solution to this seemingly endless string of challenges.
I want to breathe. I want to feel like I can exist and function without such great fear of tipping one of my children in the direction of horror.
I want to do this differently....to be better....to not have this low of a moment as a mother. I want to feel as confident as I feel cracking a joke or making an amazing dinner or writing a thank you note. I can write the hell out of a thank you note. I just can't figure out what the hell I should do for my kids.
I need my efforts and plans to be less of a climb with setbacks and more of an elevator to parenting success. I know my role involves a million moments, I know this day is not the sum total of my efforts as a mother, but I hate this. I hate this.
I am watching The Bachelor Pad in between Cole coming out and crying about his inability to sleep alone, sleep in the dark, sleep without a toy, sleep without an adult, sleep without drinking a full cup of water. I do not talk to him. I carry him back to bed.
I do this a million times....and in between I watch crappy reality TV and think about the pain of tomorrow with an exhausted child, again. I rack my brain for solutions, for strategy, for previous Super Nanny episodes, and I only find sadness. I feel apathetic. I feel like I have given up, at least for tonight.
I feel fine with that, because no matter what, I have to do this all over again tomorrow.
I have to figure out how to do better. I owe them better. I owe myself better.