I might be planning an amazing first day of school party to celebrate. There might be adult beverages and dancing and Mardi Gras beads and keg stands and poor decisions.
Or possibly just one weak bloody mary and a few tears. Not sure yet.
I am not a robot though, I do have a few things that I am nervous and anxious about in regards to sending my firstborn off to kindergarten. I worry about his overly particular personality being a challenge socially. I worry about bullies. I worry about his crazy good looks being more of a curse than a blessing...something I had to learn about during my years of buck teeth and bad perms, when it seemed everyone was jealous of me.
I worry about my delicate feelings and emotions being all crazy about the passing of time when all I've prayed for is a little bit more rapid passing of time.
Wait, am I not supposed to worry about me?
Fine. Back to Aiden.
I worry about him being offered crack on the playground, or stabbed with a dirty needle.
It could happen people. I've seen 20/20. It's important to worry about all potential problems.
I worry about him not eating his lunch and going ape shit in the afternoon due to hunger.
I'm going to take care of that though. That I can help. I can make a snack like nobody's business.
I'm the Snack Queen. The Snack Mistress. The Snack Bitch.
I'm getting carried away. I just deleted a line of rhyming titles with snack and mother fucker in them.
I should probably be in bed.
First though, I feel it's my duty to write a little snack recipe for Aiden's new teacher.
Dear Aiden's Future Kindergarten Teacher,
I thought I would send you a quick email to talk about Aiden. You'll be spending a lot of time with him this year and I thought it might be helpful to know what sort of snack will keep him smiling for you. You want him to smile, right? You'll be making his snack, right?
I'd like to start by saying that I really like you. Your willingness to come to school five days a week and hang out with 20 plus 5-6 year olds is an undeniable strength that I can not comprehend, but I do greatly admire.
Please don't take offense, but...do you do drugs? I'm not judging, I wouldn't even turn you in. I'm simply asking because I just don't understand your method of survival.
It seems it would be difficult to be around that many kids without doing drugs. If you have 20 of my son in the room, you are going to have to explain 5902 times about when they get to go home, followed by a lengthy and confusing discussion about time which no one understands. This will soon lead to hurt feelings over one person being able to see the clock, which they can't read anyway, better than someone else and someone is going to punch someone. Then there will be tears and blame and declarative statements about the ending of friendships they never had, sharing, and joy everywhere.
That sounds kind-of shitty.
Unless you had some drugs maybe.
Do you ever just sniff the glue? The markers?
Please think of me as a safe place, let's chat kid survival sometime.
I bet you meet some crazy parents. I am not crazy. I swear.
Here's a snack idea that I stole from Rachel Ray's EveryDay magazine, because I used to read it all the time and then I had kids and I haven't read a magazine since. I still buy them and try to hide them in the bathroom on the off chance that I get to escape there without one or all three of my children joining me, but let's be honest, mostly my one year old will rip the hell out of any paper product she's near and lately I've been finding poop in my bathroom so I'm not too keen on the idea of picking up and reading anything I've left in there.
Wait. What are we talking about? Why are you engaging me in a discussion about poop in my bathroom?
Back to the snack. Here's what you need.
Peanut Butter Chips
Cap'n Crunch Peanut Butter Crunch
Seriously, you're going to make a peanut snack mix for an elementary school class in 2011?
You will need an Epi Pen.
Another Mother is totally going to come and kill you for jacking with her kid's peanut allergy.
FYI, Rachel's recipe didn't include marshmallows but Aiden loves marshmallows and will do anything to have them. It's handy to know their weaknesses.
Let's pretend for a second (start working on how to explain this unit of time now) that you have an allergy free room and this sounds delicious.
First, you dump all the ingredients into a large bowl.
How much of each thing? I don't know, you are the teacher, I've been taking care of him for almost six years, it's clearly your turn. Eyeball it.
Or, use your bong! Scoop one bongfull of each ingredient in to the bowl.
(Does that even make sense? I haven't been around bongs in a long time. Again, you're the teacher.)
Get a large spoon and mix all the ingredients. Spoon reasonable amounts of mix into snack sized ziplock bags, if you don't care at all about the environment and are totally cool with being a horribly irresponsible example. If you do care about the future of our planet, then find something recycled, or scoop each serving directly into each child's cupped hands and explain to them how trash is going to probably take over their children's lives.
Keep it light though, don't scare them. They're going to be freaked out enough when you inevitably have to stab someone with that Epi Pen.