Though I only received one or two complaints about the absence, I'm going to assume there are hundreds, perhaps thousands of you close to tears every Thursday morning the last four weeks when you realize that I have, yet again, abandoned my recipe-ish duties.
Also, I usually think they are fun to write so I'm going to keep it up regardless of your tears, or lack of tears. I have that cookbook to fill and my major motion picture deal about my journey to recipe-ish to think about, eye on the prize people. Eye on the prize.
Speaking of prize, (not really, but I needed a transition,)....did you hear that JLo and Marc Anthony have called it quits? When, oh when is little Jenny from the block going to get to keep a man?
I read all about it last week during my final days in Indiana, where things like magazine reading can really happen. I feel more worldly now that I have taken in all the details of the celebrities' lives.
Debt ceiling? Not sure. Denise Richard's joy over adopting her baby girl, Eloise? So sweet! Vanessa Hudgen's heinous haircut? Why!?!?
Most importantly I was able to really get to the heart of JLo's problems. It feels good to just sit and listen to a friend's issues, especially when they are going through something heart breaking and they are prettier than you are.
Totally joking. I had almost zero joy while reading about the demise of her marriage, regardless of how perfect she appears. I actually love her. I love her so much I want to write to her and tell her how to make Popsicles, as I do to all people I love.
(If you have never received a recipe for Popsicles from me and you think that you should have, maybe you should look deep inside and ask yourself, "When was the last time I inspired Leslie to run faster through putting out a hit dance song, possibly a collaboration with a hip Cuban artist? When was the last time I made Leslie think that it would be really fun to have the skin of an ethnic woman? When have I ever wowed Leslie with the varying shades and styles of my hair?" Unless you are Beyonce, you just aren't working that hard for my love. Go do something!")
You have my deepest sympathies about the ending of your marriage to Marc Anthony. I'm sure this is a difficult time, filled with a slew of challenging emotions. The ending of a marriage is like anything else though, practice makes perfect, so I'm sure you are getting better and better at this from your experience with the ending of your previous two marriages...and the ending of two very serious relationships.
You do well for yourself Jenny, I'm sure you will do well again. What are your plans for yourself?
Have you considered challenging Jennifer Garner to a dance/sing off to win Ben back? I'm fairly confident you would take that competition.
Do NOT challenge her to a normality contest though, you would lose. She's very girl next door, you are very girl that wears little clothing and demands a fan be on her all the time. (I have no reason to believe you do this, but it just seems right.)
Have you heard from Sean? Sorry, P. Diddy? Diddy? Puff Daddy? Has anyone by any of those names contacted you? If so, I liked the two of you together, kept things interesting...for me.
Whatever you do, do not go for Ralph Fiennes. I just don't think it's a good fit. I didn't buy it in Maid in Manhattan, even after you were promoted into management.
I don't know Jenny, I'm just trying to help you sort through your options.
I really think it might be a good idea for you to take a man breather....unless you and P. Diddy can get together again of course. But if he's not on your radar, I suggest you focus your energy elsewhere, like on making Popsicles.
I was trying to think of what I could do to help you, and since I'm pretty fixated on the heat here in Texas, making Popsicles just feels right for me. I believe you live in LA, where the heat probably isn't so horrible, but for some reason I really want you to live in Miami where it is hot so let's go with that.
Let's make some Popsicles.
First, take a heaping spoonful of dried bacon grease and place it in a skillet over medium heat.
Totally joking. I just had the best image of you in your couture reaching under the kitchen sink to take out the Folgers Coffee can of dried bacon fat. Do you have one of those? It would probably make my year if you did.
Anyway, making the Popsicles is really more of an art than a science so you should be great at this...though they do not require any singing, dancing, designing, or judging...but you could throw all those talents in for fun.
The first thing you need are some Popsicle molds. This sounds easy enough, but they are actually rather difficult to find. They are especially difficult if you forget that the Internet exists and start doing things like you did in the early 90s and begin searching stores and asking people, what a waste of time.
I found two awesome sets of four at Bed Bath and Beyond. (Don't forget your coupon!)
One is monster and one is more mature, more classic.
After you have the molds you can whip up the popsicle filling.
Before we start though I have to ask you what the hell you were thinking in getting together with Marc Anthony? I am assuming that you are aware that he looks a lot like the gecko from the Geico commercials with a cigarrette. Right?
You let a smoking lizard boss you around? Jenny, this is an outrage. At least Diddy was cool...and had a gun. I just don't know what to say.
So, there are no rules for making the Popsicles. You can put in whatever juice, yogurt, fruit you want to combine. Since this is so crazy free I thought I would just give you a rough guideline for what I've been doing lately. I don't use any measurements so I just made some up while writing this, you're going to have to use your own judgement.
Wait. Crap. I'm scared your judgement is off, just follow the recipe, it'll probably work.
First, grab your blender or Magic Bullet and combine the following:
1 cup apple juice
1/4 cup strawberries
1/4 cup cherries - take out the pits JLo, no one wants your pain
1/4 cup blueberries
Feel free to add any other fruit you like. Pineapple is always good. You could use orange instead of apple juice, or my recent favorite is Strawberry Lemonade with blended strawberries and raspberries.
Blend until everything is, well, blended. Pour into the Popsicle molds and freeze for at least four hours.
I once read that you don't drink alcohol because it dehydrates you and that negatively affects your skin. I wish I had that type of commitment. Well, not really...you need to live a little Jenny. Your glistening skin can be created with makeup.
I'm going to assume that the no alcohol rule has been lifted, at least from time to time, since you had twins. I'm not sure how you would survive twins without the occasional sip of skin scaring wine or liquor. Perhaps your nannies just drink a lot for you?
If you are inclined to indulge though you should make these:
1 1/2 cup grapefruit juice
1 tablespoon honey
sprigs of fresh mint
1 shot vodka
Blend and then pour into the molds and freeze. These are refreshing and take the edge off. Win!
I think you could use something to take the edge off, right?
I'm confident you are going to be just fine Jenny. You have one or two things going for you....and now you can make Popsicles.
You are welcome.
Have you thought about Pitbull? You two made such a good pair for On The Floor and he doesn't look like any animal I can think of, 100% human. I'll keep brainstorming for you, I'm sure this has given you a lot to think about during your new found independence.
Oh, one more thing, please do not hit on Randy Jackson or Steven Tyler, they just aren't good choices.
They would be better than a smoking lizard, but still not good choices.
Linking up to Amanda's Weekend Bloggy Reading Party!