How can you deny Marvin?
Well Marvin, let's see. The most prominent thing on my brain is the fact that it's hot outside.
No, I'm sorry, that is completely inaccurate, it's crazy ass hot. It's basically a giant ball of fire outside and it's not very fun. It's actually horrible. Oh, and there's no end in sight.
If I don't take some time to bitch about the heat, I'm going to start punching random people in the face because I am so cranky. I am very, very angry about the heat. No, I am not being dramatic.
There is a hot blow dryer on my whole body all day long. I drip perspiration all day in all crevices of my body. I can't wear makeup because it will melt off my face when I go outside.
I can't put on any more deodorant than I am already. I'm even using Clinical Strength Marvin. I am probably going to have armpit cancer from applying so much of the non-natural stuff. Tom's just isn't going to cut through this type of situation. I don't know why I bother because I smell by 9:30 am every day anyway. Everything is powerless in this heat.
Yesterday I attempted to take the kids outside around 9 am so that they could experience outside. They basically haven't seen outside except through windows for days now. Here's a photo of their joy.
Moving on Marvin. I'm sorry I'm feeling so cranky, you don't deserve my bitching about the heat when you were shot by your Dad. That really sucks by the way, sorry.
It would probably be good to talk about something meaningless now, so let's talk about Stella.
(Not that Stella is meaningless, just that her actions are currently pretty light hearted.)
I assumed she was happily playing while I cooked dinner because I'm a really good Mom and have taught her at an early age to play solo. I assumed that I've done a stellar job of showing her the ins and outs of productive play. I assumed she was going to continue putting on necklaces and looking cute because that's what I am trying to teach her is the most important thing a woman can do in life.
She does wear the accessories well though. I'm pretty proud.
Unfortunately, as it turns out, Stella discovered the trash can today. While I cooked dinner she threw away approximately 10 matchbox cars, one of her $45 pink tennis shoes, a book about Moses, four bottles of spices, and three pieces of a rapidly deteriorating fish game that I was actually grateful for her to trash.
So, in other news, Aiden lost his first two teeth today. Well, that's not really true. He didn't really lose them so much as my friend Misti ripped them out.
Fear not, Misti is my college friend, but she also happens to be their dentist. She's totally professional.
(Though it is strange sometimes to let her perform medical procedures on my children and me when I've seen her intoxicated at frat parties. I'm fairly certain she's never been drunk while working on us, to the best of my knowledge.)
Because I'm such a good Mom, I discovered at the dentist that Aiden had a large abscess on his upper gum above his dead tooth. Uh-oh. So Aiden got his tooth yanked out and he was a super champ about the whole thing.
Then, since Misti was yanking out teeth anyway she went ahead and pulled his bottom tooth that was already very loose. So now he looks like this.
Aiden was very concerned about the fact that he lost two teeth in one day and the tooth fairy might just leave money and not realize that she in fact owed him for two, not one. He was given an adorable glow in the dark tooth case to put the teeth in, but he wasn't having that. He insisted that he put his teeth in an envelope, clearly marked with the fact that there were two teeth inside.
No need to let the tooth fairy rip him off, right?
Is that not the cutest thing you've seen all day? Now I have to figure out how to remove the envelope from under his pillow without him waking up and figure out how much I am supposed to leave for the first two teeth.
Why didn't the people that made up the tooth fairy set things up to leave your teeth in the mailbox or outside your bedroom door to make it a little easier for the parents?
Wait, you didn't have anything do with the tooth fairy, right Marvin?
Unbelievable....Anderson Cooper just had a segment on the tooth fairy. Thank you CNN. Apparently the going rate is $2.50 per tooth. I feel so informed now. Also, did you know that there isn't a tooth fairy in England? That's your fun fact for the night. You're welcome.
So now you know Marvin. That's what's going on.