Monday, June 6, 2011

Walgreens Thinks I Do Meth, and I Do Not Blame Them

I have been absent since Thursday, basically because every time I sit down at my computer someone cries, wakes up and needs to be feed, or there is a serious fight over who gets to sit on the all red bean bag instead of the red and white one. 

Or I need to eat a bowl of ice cream...and it's really difficult to eat ice cream while typing.  You should try.

I set the alarm for 6:00 and went to bed at 10:30 last night.  I've been going to bed too late lately and it's been killing me. So I vowed to get to bed before 11 and wake up early to blog and read all the other blogs I love to check out. 

I was excited.  I felt empowered, putting myself on a schedule of sorts and giving order to my kid oriented day so that I could do the things I need to do, speckled with some time to write this blog and continue to spread joy mixed with sarcasm and love and anger around the world.  

It's important work I do here, time must be made!

So I went to bed feeling jolly, which was aided by reading a bit of David Sedaris. 

(I absolutely love him.  Why am I just now discovering all the wonderfulness of his books?) 

Imagine my frustration when Cole woke up at 11:30.  Then 12:15.  Then 1:00.  Then Stella woke up at 3:00.  I turned off my 6:00 alarm on my way back to bed and admitted defeat.  Then she woke up at 4:30.  Then everyone woke up at 6:45. 

Mother fucker.

(I was seriously that angry.)

To make me extra excited, my head was pounding from the moment I stepped out of bed.  I've been having a fair share of headaches lately, over the last 2 months.  For a while I felt like it might be related to my birth control pill, but I usually take the logical approach so I assume I'm dying from a large tumor in my head. 

I've basically imagined my kids growing up without me over and over again.  It's super healthy and I like to think that it really helps ease the ache of my head....but it doesn't.
There is nothing that spins me to cranky faster than a headache.  It is really difficult for me to function with my children with a pounding head.  Aiden asks a million questions a day, but has a serious hearing problem with the answers because he is usually trying to ask another question.  This is the most annoying thing ever when I have a headache. 

Cole does not have a quiet volume. I want to lock him in a closet for any conversations he needs to have in order to muffle the sound. 

Stella...well, she may be cute, but in the last few days she has begun to throw a huge tantrum any time she doesn't get what she wants and it does not sit well with my already state of discomfort, particularly when she tries to bite me.  I'm just not having that.

At least I had the Bachelorette to look forward to, it truly carried me through the day.  What is that asshole Bentley going to say to Ashley?  What does that masked guy Jeff look like?  Why do I like that JP guy?

Somehow we made it to swim lessons, and then I was determined to work out so we headed to the gym.
I was able to run and it actually did make me feel better while I was running.  I even saw a Bachelorette promo during my run and it made me all tingly inside to know that I would be enjoying that in a mere seven hours. 

The moment I stepped outside the gym though, the headache was back with a vengeance.  My poor children were going to have to be raised by Alex alone.  The tumor was definitely there, how else could this pain be explained?  I immediately decided I needed to work on a fill-in Mom. 

By 4:00, after popping Tylenol and Excedrin Migraine with zero success, I could take the pain no longer.  I begged the boys to go to the bathroom and put their shoes on as I rolled on the floor of the sun room.  The shag rug in that room is thick and comfy and smells like wet dog.  I couldn't force myself to lift my head off the rug though to do more than a quick plead for mercy.

This must be taken care of before The Bachelorette begins!  I'll never be able to focus with this pain.

I some how wrangled the kids into the minivan and headed to the local Walgreens for relief.  I stumbled out of the van and literally swayed in the heat as I adjusted Stella on my hip.  Did you know it was 103 here today?  The heat makes me very angry.  Why do I live in a bowl of fire?

As we walked into the drugstore, the demands from the boys began.  A gum ball machine! A giant tube!  A Cars kite!  Bags of candy! They spotted a Star Wars gift bag in the wrapping paper aisle and they both decided it was the coolest thing they had ever seen and I was so mean if I didn't purchase it for them.

I was perfectly fine with being mean, at least at the beginning of the trip.

I found the pain relief aisle and ventured down.  Stella shrieked in my ear the entire way, desperate to get her hands on all the little boxes and bottles filled with rattling joy.  Surprisingly, this did not aid in my search.  Do you know how many different options there are for pain relief?  I couldn't handle it.

I grabbed a card for some Sudafed sinus pain and congestion and got the boys to follow me to the pharmacy counter so I could talk to the pharmacist about what I should do, particularly since the Excedrin Migraine bottle basically makes you think you will die if you take even a vitamin after consuming two of those pills. 

I took my place in line behind two people.  First, a woman in scrubs trying to pick up a prescription for someone else.  She didn't know how to spell their last name, had no clue what their address was, not even a guess on the birthday and was being asked to select from a list of approximately 20 drugs this person had waiting for them. 

I want to make up a name too and hope for a Vicadin addict!  I bet that would have taken care of my headache.

I thought my head was going to explode just listening to the pharmacy tech read off the names of these drugs.  As each drug was named, she touched the bottom of her very large framed eye glasses, glanced at the ceiling, repeated the name, and then declined EVERY SINGLE ONE.

What the hell lady?  Show up with some information if you are getting drugs for someone.  It seems sort of important.

I guess one finally sounded interesting enough for her to take it, she dropped some cash on the counter, adjusted her crazy orthopedic shoes and left.

One more to go.

This was an older woman that I think might have been more cranky than I was, but it was a close call.  She didn't actually complain about any physical pain, but she was VERY upset about just about everything else.  Pain or a life of utter sadness is the only explanation I have.

The doctor had promised her that someone had called the prescription in already.  She was very angry that the tech couldn't understand the way she spelled her name.  (I was next to her and I could have sworn she spelled it RRKXQ...I mean really lady, you were a little rough to hear.)

Her list of complaints continued, the way her medication was put into the bag.  She wanted the bag left open.  She didn't want her receipt stapled.  She wanted the un-mixed format.  She has never experienced such horrible service.  She wanted to see a manager.  

Oh holy hell, where did this devil-woman come from?

Meanwhile, I totally zoned out staring at her shoes (nothing fancy, some sort of orthopedic beige,) while my boys tore apart the selection of character toothbrushes next to the pharmacy and Stella crawled back to the pain relief aisle to get down to business.  I was extremely irresponsible at Walgreens, my apologies to whomever had to clean up after my children.  I usually don't do that but there was just no other way  around it today folks.

My turn!  I shoved the card at the tech and miraculously the pharmacist walks up at the same time and asks me if I needed any help.  I asked her advice and she confirmed my Sudafed option combined with ongoing Zyrtek.  She also gave me the go ahead to take this on top of my Excedrin.  Score!

The tech finds my Sudafed and then casually asks me for my license before he hands it over.  I had only brought my key and debit card.  I understand the need for this, I get it that they don't want people to take it home and brew up some meth, and I usually wouldn't dream of suggesting someone wave a rule for me....but I thought I might actually die if I had to haul my kids back through the store, dig my license out of my bag and come back.  Seriously die.

"I left my license in the car and I have a massive headache and I might not make it back to the car with all these kids.  Is there any way you could just let it slide?  I'm clearly sexually irresponsible, but I would never make meth.  I don't have time."

I felt that it was important for him to know that scheduling concerns were at the top of my list of reasons why I'm not currently making meth. 

The guy stared at me like I had just dropped a meth pipe out from under my dress. (I don't actually know if a pipe is used, but I'm assuming here.)  He was silent.

I glanced at my boys on the floor, digging through a pile of Spider Man toothbrushes, mouths covered in remnants from their self-made Nutella snack and chocolate milk.  I saw my baby shrieking and smashing a slobbered on pack of Trident gum in her fist, face and shirt covered in crumbs and green-blue stains from the banana-blueberry muffin I threw at her as I forced her into her car seat, desperate for her silence. 

Then I remembered that I had braided my hair earlier, then rolled my head around on a shag rug for about an hour, had never applied makeup, and not that he could tell, but had completely neglected to put my underwear back on after deciding I couldn't handle anything else being close to my skin other than my dress.  My lack of undergarmets really sealed the deal for me.

Suddenly, I decided that I wouldn't be a surprised if a meth pipe fell out from my dress either. 

I would have totally believed that I actually could have given birth to a meth pipe at that moment.

Back to the car.  We had to put together a pile at the front register for purchase after my identification was obtained.  Our pile included this:

Crushed Trident Strawberry gum
Three power toothbrushes - one Hot Wheels, one Spider Man, one large and purple
$35 worth of Zyrtek (why the hell is that so expensive?)
one greeting card
two spider man cups (I was clearly so weak)

I got my license and returned to the counter where I was asked to read a three paragraph contract about my intended use of the Sudafed.  Why could scrubs lady simply drop some cash down and pick up any medication of her choice for a person she didn't even know well enough to spell their name correctly, but I'm being asked to sign legal documents about my intentions for my sinus pain relief? 

Seriously, I was feeling angry with all the meth users out there.  Why are you jacking up my pain relief?

It didn't help that the boys had found cards that played the Star Wars theme somewhere between the car and the pharmacy again.  That music played over and over again while Stella cried and I tried to process the legal ramifications of me purchasing a six pill box of decongestant. 

After I finished I headed to the front to purchase our miscellaneous items there, thankfully without a single document to sign.  Oh sweet mercy, we were heading home.

I took the Sudafed in the car, I could bake the rest into meth later. 

(Is it baked?  I really need more information on meth for as much as it seems to come up topically in my blog way too often.)

Thankfully, after about an hour or so my pain subsided and I was fully functional again. 

Just in time for bedtime and The Bachelorette....which did not disappoint.

Linking Up to Follow Me Chickadee


If you have an extra 30 seconds...and who doesn't have an extra 30 seconds? 

Would you please click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the right side of the blog?  It's under the Vote For The Mommy Therapy heading.  All you have to do is click on that and it will take you to the Top Mommy Blogs website.  You don't have to do anything else there, just click through from my site and it counts as a vote for me. 

You can do this every day. 

I just want to see if I can get a little higher in the ranks since I'm just starting on that site.  I don't aspire to win...that's nuts.

You can also tell all your friends and family and neighbors and start a major campaign though if you like.

I love campaigns, so spirited and hopeful. 

Thank you!  Thanks for reading and thanks for voting!


Pink Stitches said...

Yikes, sounds like a rough day. I used to get tons of migraines before I had AJ and they are so not cool. Luckily they disappeared after I gave birth. Strange. Hope you're feeling better!

Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

You clearly have a lab in your basement and those unkempt kids are your guinea pigs. You crack me up so badly; i mean in a good way.

Do the Imetrex, Relpax triptin medications work for you, Leslie? I couldn’t do without them.

Mommy Inconsistent said...

That was hilarious! You've got my vote!
- Jill

Shannon Marie said...

The pharmacist should have been able to tell you're not a meth momma based on the fact not only do you that you have all your teeth but they are white and not rotten. I self medicate as well, but it's usually bourbon.

iMentalMommy said...

The only time that I really need decongestant medicine is when I'm pregnant...and usually late at night. So there I am, waddling around in the pharmacy section when I remember that I can't purchase anything but a card that LOOKS like the box of meds that I need. I get enraged. If a meth head were to scuttle across my path, I. WOULD. SHANK. THEM. They're always screwing it up for everyone else. Stupid meth heads.

kraftykar said...

I am actually crying. I laughed so hard I cried. Maybe I cried because I feel your pain, but that was in between the uncontrollable bursts of laughter. I am new to blogging and I'm so glad I came across your blog. This is therapy for me so I thank you. On a side note, I am a massage therapist and if you have a crazy headache and your kids allow it, take a hot bath. Make sure your body is fully submerged and then place an ice pack on the back of your neck. It usually works for migraines depending when you catch it...Not sure how it works on brain tumors though!

Terry said...

HILARIOUS!! Well, not the part about your pain. Okay, kind of that part but not in a mean way of course. :) Hilarious post. Thanks for sharing.

Terry said...

Um Leslie. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm not smart enough to vote for you. What do I do when I get to the site? Or does just going to the site get you a vote? Sorry - want to help, just too stupid. :)

Prudently Painted Vintage said...

You are my new favorite blog! Feel your pain on the migraines. I use to get them all the time. Haven't had one in awhile though.

Bachelorette was good! Damn Bently! I just wonder what she is thinking watching it now.

Yep 105 here just about every day. Dreaming of a Michigan summer......

Emmy said...

Okay I feel bad that it was such an awful day- but I sure am laughing at this post

mama_pez said...

I am feeling frazzled just reading that post. Yikes! *hugs*

ps- Costco for Allertec FTW (generic Zyrtec, waaaay cheaper)

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

This made me laugh so hard, but only because I have been there. Oh, have I been there!

Clayton Thomas said...

I hope by the time you read this, you are feeling better. being sick and dealing with kids constantly is tough! I hope you have a terrific weekend and I am following you on Twitter.

twitter: @claylauren2001

Lala said...

Yes, this sounds painfully familiar. So much so that I am having PSTD flashbacks just reading your account. If anything, reading well-written blog posts such as yours lets me know that I really am not alone in the mommyhood abyss.

Anyway, I found you through the FNF blog hop and I'm a new follower.

Great post!


NotSoSilentMommy said...

Oh my gosh that was funny! My favourite was when you said that you're clearly sexually irresponsible!! I nearly spit out my drink...
That being said,, I've suffered with migraines for a long time and can relate to almost everything you said!! It sucks!!! Hope you're feeling better!!

Rachel said...

White Flower Oil ( was introduced to me by my mother. During one of my headaches, she gave me this tiny bottle of oil and told me to massage it on my temples and forehead. Amazingly, it worked! Somehow the oil penetrates into the affected area and relieves the pain.

therealhousewifeofoxfordcounty said...

OMG this made my day.. soo funny!! Love your blog and can't wait to read more :)

The Mommy Therapy said...

Love all the suggestions for how to heal the headaches. Thanks people!

What would I do without you all?

Chef in Training said...

I am visiting from the hop! I am your newest follower and would love it if you would follow me back! thanks so much!