Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Tell That Dancing Girl Her Future

Currently I'm drinking a large glass of white wine (previously frozen so it tastes a little off, but I am in no way deterred,) and eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, because my children have conditioned me into thinking there is no reason to eat anything else.
Cole is sitting on the floor next to me singing "This Little Light of Mine," and explaining to me that the light actually symbolizes God's love.  Not kidding, he used the word, "symbolizes."

This is the same person that shares his spoon with the dog and frequently throws a massive tantrum when asked to use a toilet that flushes by itself.  His ability to dig deep into Vacation Bible School songs does not carry through to his comprehension of it being impossible for him to be sucked down a toilet. 

I'm feeling drained by my children.  They have a tough time relaxing on a vacation and resting an adequate amount. I just want them to go to bed and get a good night's sleep so they can function "normally" tomorrow. 

(I put normally in quotes because I am a little afraid that their tantrums, whining, and general attitudes of torture might, in fact be normal, and my dreams of perfect children will be shattered and I will be forced to wonder what the hell I'm doing if these kids are just going to keep jacking up all my hard work on them?)

Both boys had massive tantrums today and Aiden has basically decided that nothing is good enough for him.  It's a huge ball of fun. I'm not sure I can hang with that another day. 

I want them to calm down and cheer up and shut up. I don't want to be restraining people and making up consequences, primarily because I don't think I'm very good at either and I like to stick with what I can excel at in life.  It's a really healthy way to live.

I am not a very strong person and my 55 pound kid is starting to be tough to physically force into anything.  If I were good at restraining people I would have gone in to law enforcement, or I could have been a bouncer.  I would be a killer bouncer.

My consequences are usually made while I am a flustered mess and usually make zero sense.  I'm sure some day I will learn that I should wait to spout off punishments until I have relaxed a little but in the mean time I will continue to threaten the following:
  • to never letting the boys sleep in the same room every again (they share a room so this is rough)
  • to never allow gum in our house again
  • to chop up and burn all light sabers (this could happen though)
  • to never take them out any where, ever again...dare to dream

In an effort to escape reality I was going through old photos on my computer and came across this.

This was in Chicago at two friends' bachelorette parties.  I believe I had fallen off a trolley car sometime right before or right after this.  I don't even think I was really drinking that much, I was just awesome.  Not awesome enough for a shirt with two straps, but awesome all the same. 

I wish someone could whisper in this naive dancing girl's ear that sometime in the next 8 years or so you will be involved in the most important and rewarding opportunity of your life, and it will involve a lot of poop and screaming.  It will hurt far worse than any fall off a Chicago trolley and it will be worth it, but some days it will suck like nothing has sucked before. 

I also wish someone could whisper the words to the book below because they are hilarious and I would be famous and rich now if I had written it.  I'm sure most of you have heard this by now, but if you haven't it is a rare gem of simply hilarious stuff. 

If you are a parent of young children and this doesn't resonate with you then you have had it far too easy and you need to come borrow Cole for a week, at least.

Check it out.

Seriously, funny.  Thanks Samuel L Jackson for reading so well. 

(Audible.com also has a free download of the book which I believe shows the pages turning in the book.) 


Mommy Inconsistent said...

Hilarious! I'll be reading this one to my 2-year-old tomorrow night!

Sara @ Life With the Two said...

I seriously have considered buying a copy of that book for my coffee table. It would make me smile every time I saw it.

L.A.C.E. said...

is it wrong that I hypothetically tell my children this every night? lol

The Mommy Therapy said...

I think I'm going to have to buy the book as soon as possible. I think it's a gem for new parents.

Why didn't I think of it?

Amanda Imbery said...

I love love love that book!

Mary DeWitt said...

WHY haven't I heard of this before??!! This book would have saved my sanity--just listening to Sam speak it's words is PRICELESS! Cracked me up!

Dwija {House Unseen} said...

I about peed my pants the first time I heard that rendition!!! Oh god. The way he says "beeeeeeep!" is genius. The man is a genius. The author is a genius. He is bringing parents out of their cussing closets! Joy!