I'm currently reading Tina Fey's book, Bossypants. It's a fantastic compilation of stories about her life and I love it. I love her. I want her to be my friend, really badly. I find her to be hysterical, intelligent, kind, and just plain interesting.
If you haven't picked up her book, you should. You will not be disappointed.
One of the sections of her book is a prayer to her daughter, Alice. It is fantastic. It touches on so many emotions that we as parents feel for our children, and of course it's funny. Amity brought up the prayer the other morning while we were talking so I thought I would write one, not anywhere in the vicinity of funny like Tina's, to Stella in honor of her turning ONE .
Protect my dear, sweet daughter when she ventures out in to the big, big world.
When deciding on undergarments, may she remember her parents' painstaking quest to clean every bit of fecal matter out of her many folds of female in order to protect it and decide on healthy, cotton full coverage.
When given the chance to participate in a reality show of any form or fashion, give her the strength to resist the chance to win fame and fortune in exchange for continued self respect. Also, please flash all the images of the footage her mother put together for her to witness as "people's mistakes you don't want to make," and in that image of Kate Gosselin and Snooki decide that she would rather continue to wait tables with honor at Chili's.
Please allow her to keep her beautiful, freakishly long and thick eyelashes. May she enjoy them, but never abuse them. May she realize that she is more than pretty long-eyelash-girl, but also thinking and problem solving girl, and those two are probably going to help her out more than her ability to not wear mascara....though that's pretty damn cool too.
(May she also be so kind as to write her a father a thank you note in appreciation of them, because they certainly did not come from me.)
When her friends in the sixth grade get together to talk about who's wearing what and who's gross and who's a dork, I pray that you give her strength to not only not participate, but speak out against the unkindness. I pray you let her blink her lashes and stand her ground for kindness and that she feels good knowing she did the right thing.
And if she's the one being discussed I pray that you give her courage to hear the cruelty, but not absorb it. Allow her to remember exactly how she felt hearing unkind words about herself so that she never wants to make anyone feel like that, and also that the idea of revenge may sound simply absurd. Let her know she is loved and she is wonderful, no matter what a handful of young girls jabber about around their lockers.
Please be vigilant in her protection; while she rides in cars with other mindless teens, when she inevitably attempts to text and drive, when she inadvertently passes out on a Mexican bus in Cancun due to drinking too many of those damn yard drinks (please also consider eliminating those,) walks home from anywhere, rides her bike too close to cars without her helmet because it looks stupid.
Also as Tina Fey so intelligently request, please break the damn internet.
When a creepy man offers her a drink in a bar may she remember her Bearenstein Bears book about Stranger Danger and the one about Manners and politely decline.
In all of your power and wisdom, please oh Lord, please never bring back the look of bagel bangs and banana clips nor high waisted pleated jeans with VERY baggy shirts tucked in....which is especially painful when accompanied by the bagel bangs or a banana clip. I do not want my daughter to endure these looks, for so very precious few can wear them without looking semi-mentally-disabled, and she has little to no chance of being one of the chosen few.
I pray that you send her someone like I had to learn about young love. Figuring out how to love can be such a rocky road, so painful. I pray she learns about such matters from a really good, kind-hearted boy that is respectful, honest and never gives her extra reasons to doubt herself or be insecure.
(By the way, please bless Mike Dawson for being that amazing to 16-20 year old me, it's something I am more grateful for now that I imagine my sweet daughter having to enter dating. )
Please give her wisdom to know that eating ONLY watermelon or grapefruit will do little to make her look as skinny as she thinks she needs to be and much to give her days of diarrhea and days on end of discomfort.
When she is hanging with a less than desirable crowd, as she inevitably will at some point, and she is offered meth along with a list of all the fantastic things about doing it, please help her to remember the envelope given to her by her mother filled with photographs of meth addicts's teeth and again allow her to politely refuse.
Never, ever may she be the girl that starts conversations with her girlfriends with the phrases, "Hey bitches!" or "What's up sluts?" It's ridiculous and sad and wrong for so many different reasons.
I really don't want that for her.
May she always know that she has unconditional love in her parents, but that it doesn't mean she has our blessing to totally jack things up. Give her courage to leave us, knowledge to do well on her own, and enough tiny bumps that sometimes we are the only place she wants to come back to for comfort.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for my daughter.
I'm working my hardest to do my best work with her, I'm trusting you'll continue to do yours as well.
P.S. I'm serious about the Internet breaking before she has to encounter it. Tina was really on to something there.
If you could find it in your heart as a reader to go to the Top Mommy Blogs link on the right hand side of my site and just click on that link, I would appreciate it. I swear it doesn't take you to porn or anything and you don't even have to do anything once you are there. It's pointless, but helps me get more coverage on that site. Help a girl out? Thank you!