Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I Might Make Really Good Pancakes, It's a Recipe-Ish People

I made a firm commitment to myself that this season I would watch The Bachelorette each and every week so that I could enjoy all the drama.  I love this show.  I have fallen in love with one or more "characters" during each season and I can not stop watching once I am invested into the show.

It's just filled with so much ridiculousness, so much drama, and so many uncomfortable moments.  All the people on the show provide such an impressive onslaught of fabulous quotable one-liners that I often hear them talking to me all week.  OK, it's possible I have issues, but I really like it.  I thought that sending Ashley a little recipe-ish love would be a nice thing to do since she had such a hard week. 

If you are new here, I try to write a recipe-ish every Wednesday to someone I care about, and yes, sometimes this people are people that I do not know.  It's not quite a normal recipe because there is a lot more going on, it tends to be confusing, and there tends to be a lot of freedom in actually following the recipe. 

You can check out a few of the former recipe-ish posts here and here and here.

Here we go.

Dear Ashley,

Wow.  Where are you?  Are you holed up fixing teeth or teaching hip hop somewhere to avoid all the hoopla around you?  How about that asshole Bentley?  Now that you have been able to watch him onscreen, do you still long to spend the rest of your life with him?  I can't believe you said that.  I really want to like you, but you are making it really freakin' difficult.

Didn't I tell you that any one naming their daughter Cozi should not be trusted?  This just seems simple.

I, obviously, don't know how the season turned out...but based on my extensive Bachelor/Bachelorette experience you are probably not going to be happily in love for long even if you are at the moment.  As soon as the fancy dates, exotic trips and helicopter rides end, it's going to get rough.  You are going to have to go eat at Applebees and attend full movie theaters where you will be forced to climb over and around someone to go pee and I bet you will drive around in a car...what sort of love can withstand that? 

You're going to need to eat pancakes.  Lots of pancakes.

Since this is your second heartbreak, seriously, Brad is such a chump, I'm going to teach you a healthier pancake so you can keep your tiny hip-hop-dental body. 

(I really do think you are adorable by the way.  A little dancing dentist, so cute.)
I'm also going to go ahead and recommend you use Dark Amber Agave Nectar as syrup instead of maple syrup like I do with my kids.  It's less sugar and in generally a healthier option. I do this because I'm a really good Mom, and substituting real syrup for a less sugary option is about all I feel I have lately to classify me as such.

You should make the switch anyway though because all that syrup will rot you teeth and that would be sort of gross for a dentist to have rotten teeth.  I bet you would loose business.

I'm going to give you the basic recipe for pancakes, but I also make a beet-ricotta pancake based on Jessica Seinfeld's* recipe, so if things are even more rough than I am thinking you can email me for that one. I'm pretty confident you will be emailing me.

Here's what you are going to need.

1 1/4 cup whole wheat pastry flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp sugar
1/2 tsp of nutmeg
a little salt

1 egg
1 cup milk
1 tablespoon oil
1 cup sweet potato/pumpkin/squash puree

You might be wondering where you are going to find those purees.  You can get the can of pumpkin and sometimes sweet potato at your local grocery store in the baking aisle and the squash puree can just be baby food...which you can even get at Walgreens lately, which I discovered in my meth inspired visit there on Monday.

You could also roast a pumpkin and then puree the insides after you take out all the seeds.  This takes a long time, it's messy and I am reasonably confident that you and ABC have too much to do to be roasting pumpkins for puree.  Just go to the store, that should be easy for you.  Skip the tabloid section though, you know they are talking about how you have small boobs now since that was on the show.  It's a sad world.
FYI:  If you by some sort of strange Divine intervention did in fact find your magic man on this show and you are soon to be married and then start reproducing, I think it's only fair to warn you that assholes like Bentley or someone ripping you apart at a Roast will be nothing compared to the pain you will endure from your kids. 

Oh, it will be fantastic too, but it's going to be rough. Here's a quick snip from my day to make you feel better if your love story didn't work out so great.  I mean, when it doesn't work out so great.   

(I hate to be negative about true love, but you already have totally fallen for the jerks, this is a bad sign for your ability to have life long happiness. )

After the boys' swim lesson I thought it might be a good idea to "run by" the outlet and get Aiden another swimsuit, which he desperately needed.  What I did not anticipate was a $10.99 or less sale on everything at Gymboree.  This is amazing.  Some day you too will be excited about such lame and seemingly unimportant things.

I spent 45 minutes wrestling with Stella and calming the boys into submission so I could decide between the green ruffle daisy tank and jeans or the ice cream onesie.   It sounds crazy, but someday Ashley, you too will find yourself pouring over a sale rack and feeling close to some sort of aneurysm trying to make decisions over articles of clothing that are smaller than your thigh and cost approximately $6. 

It will make you sad, but you won't be able to focus on it because one of your kids will be at the front of the store screaming for you to buy him a pair of girl's red cowboy boots, the other will be asking you the most absurd and mentally taxing math problems, like what happens if you pay someone $439 for something that costs $15 and you buy 8 of them, and the last one is climbing on top of the small cartoon TV,  placed in the store for the sole purpose of entertaining your spastic children...but is unfortunately grossly ineffective.

Do you feel better about your solitude now?

I hope so.

But if not, there will be pancakes.

First, combine the flour, baking powder, cinnamon, sugar, nutmeg and salt in a large bowl.

Do you want to know what a large bowl is?  Because using that adjective without any means of comparison would make my father nuts and I like to think of things like that.  So in honor of my Dad, and so I know you will understand the measurement, it's going to be a mixing bowl about the size of 30 rose tops.

Do you shudder whenever you see a rose now?  I would imagine you hate them.  Just a symbol of all your broken love and poor taste in men.  They smell nice though.  I hope that brings you peace.

Mix together the wet ingredients in a smaller (about 20 rose tops) mixing bowl, combine the milk, the veggie puree of your choice, the egg, and the oil.

Now dump the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and mix.

Now let the batter sit for about 10 minutes.  During this time I have a serious topic to discuss with you. 

Part I:  WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SEE IN BENTLEY? 
Part II: WHY DID YOU KEEP THE GUY THAT TOTALLY TORE YOU APART (not in a good way) DURING YOUR ROAST?

I think you have a serious "bad boy" problem.  You like the guy that seems to be a little off, unattainable, perhaps even slightly mean. Now, I have not taken any of the courses toward my masters in counseling as I have thought about doing for years, but I have read several, yes several to be exact, course manuals about what I would have to take and I think this qualifies me to tell you the following:

  • You have slightly low self esteem, probably as a result of a cheerleading try out gone bad, where you got an inexplicable nose bleed which left you unable to even compete for a spot.
  • You are desperate to feel special so you like the bad boy for the idea that you could be that special person to make him change, make him love you so much that he's nice, at least to you, on Mondays.
  • You did not have a strong male figure in your life growing up.
  • You are probably someone that likes to eat finger food, like muffins or french fries, with a fork, which is slightly dysfunctional and merits psychological attention.
  • Your parents allowed you to watch too many Disney movies and MTV.  They screw all the girls up.
See how insightful I am?  I basically don't even need my graduate degree, those course descriptions are clearly doing enough for me to really make an impact on a person in need.  You're welcome.

Back to the batter.

Heat a skillet, or if you are so blessed, a pancake griddle to the magic medium high setting and spray with some cooking oil.  Now pour about 1/4 a cup of the batter for each pancake and wait for the top to bubble before flipping.  It should be a few minutes per side. 

Don't burn the pancakes or no one will ever love you enough to marry you, much less give you the chance to be at Gymboree making life altering decisions. 

No one likes a burned pancake.

I suggest serving with a berry salad, everyone loves that and you could use some acceptance.

Good luck with your love quest.  I must say, I love you, but I'm pretty sure you will be alone again soon. I hope I'm wrong, but if I'm not...pancakes Ashley, pancakes.

*You should try to meet Jessica Seinfeld because she seems really classy and reasonable and she clearly has good taste in men.  I bet Jerry never once staged a scheme for publicity at her expense or was too unintelligent to think of any good jokes without being totally cruel to her.  She seems nice, you guys should talk.  She could also make you brownies with spinach in them...weird, but possibly fun.

2 comments:

Emmy said...

You should write a cook book :). And yes, I don't think anyone who meets in such fake circumstances ever has much of a chance.

Prudently Painted Vintage said...

Omg! I agree with Emmy you should totally write a cookbook. A recipe - ish cook book. Seriously it would be a best seller. You are hilarious.