Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I Might Make Really Good Apple Chicken Sausage and Veggies - It's a Recipe-Ish People

I have a feeling you might have heard about Anthony Weiner and his trouble with, well...his wiener? 

This man has some serious problems, it really isn't funny. 

But, it is sort of funny.   Wienergate?  I mean, that's funny.

The simple fact that he claimed he could not identify if a picture of his crotch was his or not is just fantastic. Great comedy writing.  It almost made me like him. 

Almost. 

But then I saw those photos of him in the House gym with just a towel covering his private parts and him taking a photo with his Blackberry and I had to immediately stop laughing.   Ugh.  So many pictures that no one wants to see. 

So, I think there is little debate that he is going to need to know how to cook for himself because there is little to no chance that anyone else will be wanting to do it for him for a while.  I felt like it was imparitive that I help him out.  I'm just that kind hearted.

Dear Tony,


Can I call you Tony?  Anthony just seems way too formal and mature for you.


Wow, you have really gotten yourself into quite a pickle here.  I don't need to tell you you're an idiot, I'm sure you know.  At least I hope you know. 

Fine, idiot.


Are you aware that your last name is Wiener? That alone should have made you think twice before engaging in this type of nonsense.  You can't get away with this shit and have the last name Wiener, you're too easy of a target. 


Thank goodness your parents had the foresight to not name you Richard.


I know you probably have a lot going on right now with your sex rehab, cursing your inability to use Twitter properly and apologizing to everyone, but I thought you might like to have something to eat and I think the perfect meal for you involves sausage.


No Tony, I am not looking to engage in any type of sexting or picture exchanges with you. I don't have any interest in any photo of you, or your crotch, I am seriously just talking about food to eat. 


I saw that mom with her gum chewing and inappropriately large earrings during the interview with ABC News.  I like to think that I'm too intelligent for you if porn stars (no offense porn stars, you seem to be doing very well with Charlie Sheen and Tony but I am forced to question your intelligence,) teens, and gum smacking Moms are your style.


I figure with all of this simultaneous hilarity and sadness you are probably a little hungry, and a little bit short on people that want to share a meal with you.  I saw a few pictures of your wife.  She is beautiful!  She also sort of looks like she could be really angry with you. 

You know what's good for you though?  She works with Hillary Clinton. For your sad, pathetic sake, let's hope she's advising your wife on how to proceed with you, because I'm pretty sure every other woman would tell her to RUN!  Hilary might be telling her she could run for president one day after a scandal like this!

Let's move on...I'm going to teach you how to make Apple Chicken Sausage with Vegetables.


It's a great summer meal after a day at the pool. Are you getting to the pool much lately?  It's good clean fun, and I think you could use some clean fun.  Do not wear a speedo though.  It would just be in poor form after all your current over exposure. 


Please also do not approach any of the women, especially young girls there. 


Please also try to stop taking so many damn pictures of yourself.


It seems like you really like your wiener, but you are really confused about women wanting to see it, or your hairless chest. See, most women don't really like the look of a penis, it's just not that fantastic. Not even through your boxer briefs, or the outline of it under a towel, is it ever a good idea to send a woman a photo like this, she just doesn't want it.

Am I further raining on your penis parade? Sorry Tony.


After the pool, you should drop by the store and get the following:


1 package Applegate Farms Chicken Apple Sausage
1 medium zucchini squash sliced
1 patty pan squash - it looks a little bit like a boob so try to contain yourself
1 medium yellow squash
1/2 onion, chopped
2 tomatoes, sliced
olive oil - some  (It's important to be clear Tony.)
1 pound self respect
chipotle chili powder
paprika
cumin
salt
pepper


You also could consider ordering groceries in if you are embarrassed to be out in public right now.  You seem very confident in all your photos though so maybe you just aren't that self aware...so maybe you're cool with all this?  Maybe?


Idiot.


First, you need to find a skillet.  Do you cook a lot Tony?  I bet you can look up a picture of a skillet on your Blackberry if you need some help, it's good for a lot more than taking pictures.


Put the skillet on the stove over medium-high heat.  Put a little bit of olive oil in and then put the sausages into the pan.  Try to turn them every few minutes so that they brown all over.  These will need to cook for about 8-10 minutes.


During that time I have some things for you to think about regarding your hobbies. Why don't you do something more productive with your extra time?
  1. Since you like taking photos, perhaps you could take a photography course?
  2. You could shape balloon animals for little kid's birthday parties.  Not my kids party, ever, but maybe somewhere really obscure that doesn't know you're a dirty man yet, you'll have to do some serious research.
  3. Take a class on manners, or tweeting.
  4. Read a romance novel and learn to have a real affair, sexting is just lame.
  5. Begin to knit so you have something productive and non offense to do with your hands.
Did you sautee the sausage? Now take them out of the pan and put them on a plate with some foil on top so they stay warm. 

Do not photograph the sausage!


Take the same sautee pan and add a couple tablespoons of olive oil.  Now put all the squash and onion into the pan and sprinkle with salt and pepper, chili powder, paprika, and cumin.  I would give you definite amounts, but I just can't say with certitude (I heard you use that word in an interview and thought you sounded smart, until I realized you were talking about your inability to identify a picture of your crotch,) the amount that I use.  Just sprinkle a little bit around and then build from there.


Let's face it, if you totally screw up the spices it's not that big of a deal...you probably have plenty of time to remake it all.  You can perfect this dish while you contemplate whether you should resign or not (YES) and how you are going to give up all this awesome sexting.


Sautee the squash until it starts to feel slightly soft.  You want to be able to stick a fork in it relatively easily, but you don't want it to be mushy. Mushy is bad....I'm sure you would agree.


Now put all the squash in a bowl, then slice the cooked sausage and mix it in to the bowl.  I usually just slice the tomoatoes and serve them on the side with salt and pepper.  Yummy, doesn't it look delicious?

Oh, I almost forgot to congratulate you on your wife's pregnancy.  You're going to be a Dad! 

I hope you have a sweet little girl to put things in perspective for you.

6 comments:

Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

Sounds good. The kids must not eat big veg helpings tho with only three squashers for the whole family. Love me some sausage too. How’d it go over at your house ?~!

Got three out loud chuckles out of today’s post, thanks.

Prudently Painted Vintage said...

you are too funny! I love your recipe-ish posts. My favorite read in blogland :)

mama_pez said...

Are you sure about the non-offensive knitting??? See: http://www.find-me-a-gift.co.uk/knitted-willy-warmer.html It might be just his thing...

I love the pound of self-respect in the recipe. lol

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