Monday, June 13, 2011

A Day In The Life

Last night I read a post by Snarky Mommy in which she recounted a day in her life. 

(You can read that here.) 

I figured today was as good as any to copy that idea so I decided to do a timeline of my day and let you all in on the excitement....or lack there of as it may be. I apologize in advance if you are bored out of your mind and feel zero personal offense if you don't make it to the end.

5:15 am - Jolted awake by the buzz of Alex's alarm, immediately feel panic that this will wake up Aiden, who is sleeping in his sleeping bag on the floor of our bedroom.  Alex thankfully shuts it off in time.

5:20 am - Reawakened by Alex's alarm, feel resurgence of panic and have a fleeting thought of divorce and a fierce hatred of the snooze button.

6:30 am - Feel kiss on my mouth, open eyes to see it is in fact not Johnny Depp from that stupid movie The Tourist I was tortured with last night and it is only Alex leaving for work. 

6:31 am - Wonder if Alex is wondering when we got a cat?  He must think a cat has pooped in my mouth because that is how it tastes to me...or how I assume cat poop would taste, I have thankfully never consumed cat feces.

6:33 am - Momentarily stare longingly at how attractive Alex is in his suit and wonder why he keeps kissing me with my cat poop mouth.  Say a quick prayer of gratitude that he is unaware of how attractive he is.

6:45 am - Force self out of bed, throw on a dress, earrings (always) and deodorant and successfully leave room without waking up Aiden. Go to get cup of coffee and make kids' breakfasts and lunches.

6:50 am - See mass of unwashed dishes piled around the kitchen sink and feel discouraged as I remember our clogged drain. I wonder if that's a good enough excuse to not do any cooking today?

6:55 am - Stare out kitchen window and marvel at how quiet it is.  Wonder why my children aren't awake and contemplate a world where they sleep until 9 every morning so that I could watch VH1 Jump Start Good Morning America all by myself. 

7:00 am - Daydream interrupted by Aiden emerging from the master bedroom to tell me he has to poop, completely ignoring my abnormally cheery, "Good Morning Aiden."  I wonder if I should be tagging these types of annoyances for him to read in the future prior to all gift giving holidays for me?

7:04 am - Stella shrieks from her crib.  I pretend not to hear as I finish making breakfast.

7:07 am - Stella is not interested in her crib any longer.  I walk in to her room and am greeted with a HUGE smile and big "HI!"  I think she should talk to Aiden about morning greetings. 

7:10 am - Give Stella cup of milk and sit her at the table with Aiden so both can eat toast and yogurt while I make my own breakfast of toast and yogurt...there is a lot of culinary excitement around here.

7:20 am - Cole emerges to let me know he peed through his pull up.  We take  off the faulty pull-up and his pajama bottoms and I instruct him to go potty and put on clean underpants and shorts.

7:22 am - Notice Aiden is feeding Stella her yogurt and feel gratitude for the almost 5 year difference in age, thinking maybe soon he could just always be in charge of her.

7:25 am - Hear Cole cry/whine from my bathroom that he can't get on the potty...which he does solo all the time.

7:26 am - Ignore Cole and wonder why he has to throw a fit over the most basic of tasks? 

7:28 am - Cave and go check on Cole.  He appears to be hysterical over the idea of trying to go to the bathroom.  I inform him  he has to try and then he can come eat breakfast with his siblings. 

7:29 am - Cole momentarily stops crying to ask what his siblings are and is disappointed to hear that I am just talking about Aiden and Stella. 

7:30 am - Cole resumes crying.  I leave.

7:32 am - Aiden finishes feeding Stella and I decide perhaps I should help get her out of her highchair and remove the extra yogurt from her body.  Put her on the floor for Aiden to attack with a light saber.  Leave to check on Cole as Stella starts begging/grunting for Aiden to put on her shoes.

7:35 am - Explain to Cole that he just has to try to go to the bathroom and then I put on makeup while he concedes. 

7:40 am - Get Cole started on breakfast and give Aiden his clothes to put on.  Capture Stella and wrestle her into her outfit.

7:42 am - Decide Stella looks ridiculous in her ruffle outfit and change her into a lime green jumper.

7:43 am - Feel guilty about caring about my daughter's outfit and wonder if I am one outfit change away from Toddler and Tiaras?

7:45 am - Momentarily dream about the coral jumper I tried on at the Gap last week and felt baffled at how something so adorable could make me look so ridiculous.  I looked child-like, but slutty.  It was all light, airy and playful = childlike, but too short and thin = slutty.  I was basically a slutty child....and that's not a good look on a 34 year old woman.

7:48 am  - Give Cole his clothes and go brush my teeth, that cat poop taste was surprisingly not improved by the four sips of coffee I managed to get in before the chaos started.

7:55 am - Gather boys' swimsuits, swim shirts and lunches and put in swim bag for lessons after Vacation Bible School.

8:00 am - fold laundry from yesterday while watching Stella play

8:15 am - yell for boys to go to the bathroom and put their shoes on while I pile backpacks, swim bag, and diaper bag in the van. 

8:16 am - Pause to wonder why I have to carry so many damn bags and feel a little angry about the potential damage it's doing to my shoulders and back and feel like my Mom for worrying about this.
8:30 am - Load all three kids in the van to drive to Vacation Bible School.  Discover I have yet to tell them they are going to Vacation Bible School.  I discover they have no idea what Vacation Bible School is and I use the description that it is like camp, turns out they don't know what camp is.

8:40 am - Actually leave the garage after a series of last minute request for water, books, shoes, seat belt assistance, and general whining.

8:55 am - Arrive at Vacation Bible School, which is at a new church where the boys have never been.  They appear a little excited, but still not exactly sure what the hell Vacation Bible School is all about and ask me several times if I meant to take them to just plain school.

9:00 am - Arrive at Aiden's classroom to find 2 little girls and 4 teen girl "instructors."  Aiden has a look of terror and decides he is not having this shit.

9:03 am - I attempt to talk to Aiden rationally about how much fun it will be, ask him what he is afraid of and introduce him to the other kids in the room, one of which is a boy that came up to him and asked him to sit by him, and informed me that his Mom told him to say that.  Adorable.  I love that kid.
 
9:05 am - Physically extract Aiden from my leg and tell him I'm leaving.  I've lost my rationale sweet voice and now feel a little annoyed.  I'm also sweating from this altercation and it makes me a little annoyed. I dart out the door as soon as the physical connection is broken.

9:07 am - Drop a very hysterical Cole off at his class and actually feel a little guilty because he isn't even fighting, he's just sad...so very sad.

9:10 am - Get to the car with Stella and say a quick prayer that the boys will quickly recover so I don't have to go through this tomorrow....oh and so they have fun too. 

9:30 am - Arrive at Kohl's to check out their selection of maxi dresses.  I love Kohls.  Money is tight and Kohls is pretty fantastic.

9:35 am - Check out the junior section and realize I am not a junior, not will Stella ever be allowed to be a junior.

9:45 am - Discover the Lauren Conrad line and think that reality TV star with horrible taste in men makes some pretty fun clothes.  Oh LC, if only you and Heidi could have worked things out.

9:50 am - Stella and I head to the dressing room to try on about 15 things I found, only one of which is a maxi dress. 

9:53 am - Stella realizes this small room has a mirror, and Mommy has some dried apples, and is totally cool with hanging out here as long as possible.

10:05 am - We emerge from the dressing room with 10 items, non of which are a maxi dress, and an empty bag of dried apples.  Stella can put those away.

10:07 am - Discover I must be smoking crack if I think I'm purchasing 10 items of clothing today.  Select the three I love the most.

10:15 am - Wander through the children's section and discover an array of adorable clothes for my kids.

10:20 am - Realize I don't care enough about what my children wear to buy them clothes that are cute when I would really like to purchase something for myself and put everything back but my three cherished items.  Turns out that Toddlers and Tiaras crap will not be in my future.

10:23 am - Engage in friendly banter with Kohl's cashier in hopes that she will give me some mysterious 50% off coupon which I am not aware of, but since she loves me so she will have to share it with me.

10:26 am - Glance at an amazing maxi dress I had not seen previously and exchange one of the three cherished items for the dress.  Score!

10:32 am - Hand over cash and realize no such coupon must exist to give me the 50% off, or I have annoyed this woman so much she doesn't want to see me have a successful Kohl's shopping experience for fear of me returning to her register. 

10:40 am - Realize I never ate my yogurt, nor my toast, which is still in the toaster oven at home and that I might start gnawing on Stella or those new clothes if I don't' get sustenance soon.

10:45 am - Drive through Starbucks for an iced grande non-fat chai and an oatmeal.

10:47 am - Curse Starbucks for stealing my children's college fund.

10:55 am - Pull into Vacation Bible School parking lot to let Stella sleep while I wait until 11:30 to pick up the boys for their swimming lesson.

10:57 am - Forgive Starbucks for their high prices and devour my oatmeal and chai.

11:10 am - Spy Aiden on the playground and watch him shoot baskets with the kind little boy from this morning. Feel surge of pride and joy at how happy and content he looks playing with his new friend.

11:12 am - Check emails, read a few blogs, glance at Facebook and catch up on Twitter.

11:20 am - Start to feel a bit like a child predator sitting in my van, wearing huge black sunglasses, and spying on the kids on the playground.

11:25 am - See Aiden head inside and spot Cole, literally skipping, out to the playground and giggling with another little boy.

11:26 am - Tear up seeing Cole happy and feeling confident.  Think about how he has a problem with being the victim in several instances and self esteem seems to be a bit of a struggle for him...so this made me happy, very happy.

11:30 am - Wake up Stella and head inside to get Aiden.

11:33 am - Retrieve a happy Aiden from his class and have him change into his swim suit while I grab Cole's backpack from his classroom. Feel slightly like I'm stealing since no one is around.  I could totally be kidnapping Aiden and this backpack I just took.  Feel a bit of a high from the idea of my dangerous actions.

11:34 am - Realize I am a total loser and need to get out more often if I am feeling a thrill from pretending to kidnap my own kid and steal my other child's backpack.  Note need to call babysitter when I get home.  (Also need to point out that I wouldn't find any joy from kidnapping any child, wrong for so many reasons.)

11:40 am - Get Cole from the playground, have a momentary breakdown over having to leave his color coded sweat-arm band, and then head to the van for swim lessons.  Let the boys eat their lunch on the drive which causes many fights over who has to share their veggie straws with Stella.  Aiden does.

12:00  - Arrive at swim lessons and push the boys toward their instructors.

12:10 pm - Watch Cole giggle with his instructor instead of swimming. Give Stella food.

12:12 pm - Watch Cole giggle with his instructor instead of swimming. Give Stella food.

12:18 pm - Watch Cole giggle with his instructor instead of swimming.  Give Stella food.

12:25 pm - Watch Cole giggle with his instructor instead of swimming. Give Stella food.

12:30 pm - Get boys out of the pool.

12:32 pm - Convince Cole that he will not lose his penis if he goes in to the girl's locker room with me to change in to his clothes.

12:35 pm - Distribute fruit snacks, the customary post-lessons treat, and get the everyone to head toward the van where I am assaulted by songs from Vacation Bible School that neither boy really knows all that well and honestly, aren't all that catchy from the sound of their version.

12:58 pm - Arrive home, unload, change out of uncomfortable dress, feed kids snack of milk and zucchini bread.

1:15 pm - Realize Alex hasn't made arrangement to have our kitchen sink drain unclogged and feel another surge of frustration as I start to call plumbers, none of which bother to answer.

1:30 pm - Attempt to lay Stella down for a nap.

1:35 pm - Put boys in playroom to watch a movie for rest time. 

1:38 pm - Finally settle on some cartoon wolf movie that appears to captivate them.

1:45 pm - Hear Stella's playing in the crib escalate to crying.  I pop in to replace her blanket and pacifiers which she had thrown out.

1:50 pm - Decide I would really like to fry up a bunch of bacon and eat it with a block of brie.

1:55 pm - Decide instead to make some BBQ chicken nachos and drink some sweet tea.

2:00 pm - Still hear Stella crying in her crib and go back in to yet again replace blankets and pacifiers.

2:03 pm - Finish making nachos.  Congratulate myself on remembering to add jalapenos to my creation and feel a little excited about eating. 

I'm pretty fast and loose with the use of the words excited and exciting around here.
2:05 pm - Turn on HGTV, eat nachos and enjoy the peace from the boys and the volume being turned off on the monitor....but do note that Stella is still awake.

2:15 pm - Visit Stella again for blanket and pacifier replacement.  She pretends to be reading books.  She is so not tricking me.  I know those books just have pictures.

2:20 pm - Check email, Facebook, Twitter and glance at a few blogs but feel uninspired to begin all my commenting. Wonder if I'll ever be able to make anything out of this blog other than a mental release and challenge for me. 

2:35 pm - Plumber calls back and says they can't come until tomorrow morning.  I feel ill with all the nasty dishes piling in my kitchen, but grateful for our materialistic society that caused me to think it's perfectly normal to own this many dishes so I don't have to go wash anything outside.

2:40 pm - Start to type in my written notes from the day's timeline.

2:44 pm - Decide I'm probably never making anything off this blog, the written timeline is a bit long winded and painful.

2:46 pm - Visit Stella again and leave her room exasperated that she won't go to sleep after only sleeping 40 minutes in the car this morning.  What the hell!?!?!?!?

2:50 pm - Type more into blog, and begin to think that perhaps this wasn't a very good idea after all.

2:56 pm - The boys' movie ends and so does all peace in the house.  They begin requests for juice, treats of any kind and to be able to play the Star Wars Wii game...all requests are denied in true Mean Mommy fashion.

3:00 pm - Accept defeat and get Stella up from her "nap."

3:02 pm - Stella grunts and shoves her shoes in my face until I put them on her feet, and then she resumes joy.

3:05 pm - Give everyone grapes and cherries and water for a snack.

3:07 pm - Watch Stella eat a cherry pit and commend my mothering.

3:08 pm - Listen to Cole complain about how he doesn't like fruit with seeds, especially cherries so he won't eat them and then watch him eat 2 and decide he's done.

3:09 pm - Aiden begs for more fruit and some cereal....the food of choice around here.

3:10 pm - Loose all self respect and actually cut Cole's cherries in half and remove the pits so that he will eat them.

3:15 pm - Look for paper for this timeline and try to keep Stella reasonably happy.

3:30 pm - Still looking for paper for this timeline and trying to keep Stella happy. 

3:50 pm - Discover paper and feel grateful for not having to start this whole process over again, it's painful for me too people, you are not alone.

4:00 pm - Instruct the boys to go to the bathroom and put on their shoes so we can take Stella to the ENT follow up appointment I had forgotten about.  Thank you iPhone for the reminder!

4:05 pm - Congratulate both boys on listening and following through with my instructions.  Turns out I DO rock as a Mom!

4:07 pm - Change Stella's outfit again due to undetermined stains on her knees and cherry juice down the front.  Those ENT guys are hard core about looking presentable.

4:10 pm - Depart the garage for ENT appointment.

4:20 pm - Massive fight breaks out over whether or not Cole is intentionally trying to destroy Aiden's Firefighter magnet set.  Aiden says yes, Cole vehemently denies any such thing. 

4:30 pm - We arrive in the ENT parking lot and a pulling contest ensues over the magnet set, which I grab and hurl across the parking lot at a Prius....those cars aren't fooling anyone.

OK, I really didn't throw it, but I wanted to, and I only restrained myself because those things are expensive and a lifesaver on a long trip in the car.

4:33 pm - Check in at the ENT, pay co-pay and listen to Cole talk to another patient that is waiting about what everyone's name is, how old everyone is and all the tricks Stella can do. 

4:40 pm - Cole is devastated when his 50 year old new friend is called back for his appointment.

4:45 pm - Our turn, nothing exciting happens here except that Stella does not have an infection AND the boys got to get sticky balls (contain yourself people) out of the treasure chest before we left.

5:30 pm - A semi serious discussion starts between Aiden and Cole about how much they love sticky balls, what they want to do with them and then Aiden starts singing "Sticky Balls" in place of the word Spiderman in the theme song.  It was pretty catchy.  W

Why don't they sing that at Vacation Bible School?

5:45 pm - Arrive home and all I want to do is lay on the floor with my giant glass of chardonnay. 

5:50 pm - The boys think eating dinner sounds important and won't leave me alone about getting up and making something in my now toxic kitchen. 

6:05 pm - I throw new organic chicken nuggets in the toaster over, debating about how many to make for about 5 minutes.  I didn't mind wasting the Tyson ones, but these organic ones are pricey, I don't want any waste.

6:20 pm - Serve all three kids chicken nuggets, cucumbers, carrots, ranch dip and more cherries with milk.

6:35 pm - All kids are done and I am one again shocked at how quickly all my hard work on dinner can be inhaled.  Amazing.

6:45 pm - Aiden in the shower, Cole and Stella in the tub.

6:50 pm - Take Stella out and dress her in pajamas.

6:55 pm - Force Aiden and Cole out and hand them their pajamas for dressing.

7:00 pm - Read Stella stories and put her to bed.

7:10 pm - Read stories to the boys, which is oh so painful these days with all the questions about everything in the story.

7:15 pm - Run out to turn on The Bachelorette while Cole allegedly pees. Caught the last part of the date with Constantine.  I hate his name and that's about all I have to say there.

7:30 pm - Allow the boys to stay up to quietly look at books if they wish.  Run out the door to check on Ashley and the men.

7:50 pm - Return to the boys' room to turn off lights and shut them down.

7:53 pm - Cole emerges to tell me he's too hungry and scared to sleep.  I explain that I'm sorry but time for bed and it worked.  Amen.

7:55 pm - Back to The Bachelorette, group date.

8:00 pm - Bake French bread (frozen), take out the brie, make a greek salad and pour a glass of wine for the rest of the show.

9:00 pm - Decide Ashley annoys me.  Can't believe she is still hung up on Bentley.  REALLY can't believe he comes back.  Can't stand the way she talks about how she was in love with him, but a week later she is starting to heal.  She's in trouble folks.  Trouble.

9:15 pm - Begin typing the blog again while I watch that show about really obese people's transformation over the course of a year.  Pretty good show. Totally made me skip my ice cream tonight.

9:30 pm - Welcome Alex home and fill him in on the most important part of the day...The Bachelorette.

9:45 pm - Check emails.

10:00 pm - Take shower and put on pajamas.

10:22 pm - Stella wakes up coughing and crying.  Take her water and rock her for a few minutes.

10:30 pm - Back to blogging.

10:45 pm - Attempted to organize the masses of dishes in the kitchen and decided it wasn't worth it. 

11:00 pm - Blog.

12:00 - It's as good as it's going to get.  Thanks for sharing my day!

3 comments:

Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

night night

bedbugs ?

Mommy of Monkeyshines said...

I found you through the comments on Amanda's blog post on blogging myths. I am your 155th follower :)

Its amazing to me how much we Mommy's actually do in a day and don't realize why on earth we are tired at the end of the day. No wonder we have laugh lines!

Anonymous said...

Snarky Mommy is a racist.

http://www.lookdumbass.com/2011/10/03/snarky-mommy-black-familys-life-ruined-its-like-the-wire/