I think that if I had been born in to a slightly more "street" family I would have been some sort of rap video dancer or fly girl. I would have been amazing.
But, that doesn't happen a lot in suburban Indiana to young white girls with only marginal amounts of rhythm. It particularly doesn't happen if she primarily focuses her energy on just wanting to be a good tap dancer, but mostly quitting and playing tennis.
Tennis is surprisingly not something that catapults you toward the hip hop world. It's strange like that.
So, my new found love is Pitbull. I'm not sure if you are familiar with him or not, maybe you've heard him sing I Know You Want Me? It's a pretty jazzy (in a Latin sort of way) tune, the best part when he counts in two languages. He's a genius.
He's also a smash hit on that song with JLo On The Floor. My personal favorite right now though is Pause....so fun.
I couldn't get him out of my mind yesterday so I just went ahead and wrote a recipe to him. Of course.
Dear Mr. Pitbull,
I'm a HUGE fan. A new fan, but I can't get enough of your booty shaking tunes.
Yesterday, I was running on the treadmill to several of your tunes and started to envision you there singing? rapping? for me.
(Yes, running is sort of like doing drugs for me, complete with a very vivid imagination...some might call them hallucinations. I saw in your Wikipedia entry that you used to be a drug dealer so perhaps you are familiar with the feeling that you are on drugs, or actually being on drugs. It can make you a bit odd. We could so hang out and chat about drug use. I have zero experience so I'd love to hear about it.)
When you were performing for me, I must admit that I envisioned an African-American man in a wife beater tank and low jeans, boxers exposed...a very classy ensemble. So, imagine my shock when I googled you and found you were a Cuban immigrant, fully clothed in every image.
Yep, I could talk to you in some pretty elaborate spanglish.
Do you know Gloria Estefan? Elian Gonzalez? Are you Elian Gonzalez?
When I discovered you were from Cuba, I knew I should share with you my stuffed tomato recipe.
Fine, stuffed tomatoes has nothing to do with Cuba but I made it a few nights ago and sang your tunes for the majority of time I spent doing this. When The Bachelorette came on, of course I had to ditch you, you can't push out my devotion to quality television.
I'm not sure if you cook a lot? It's probably tough with your busy schedule since I saw you are working with P Diddy, Sean Combs, Puff Daddy...what do you call him?
It also might be tough for you to prepare food wearing sunglasses all the time. What's up with that? I heard it was to cover up your blue eyes since the hip hop world didn't think you were enough of a bad ass when you were showing them off, but it would be difficult to cut things and read recipes while wearing them.
You've been warned.
Your songs talk a lot about women's bodies, particularly boobs and butts so I'll try to put things in terms you can relate to in order to ease the challenge of cooking.
Here's what you are going to need.
3 or 4 big-ish tomatoes - like the size of a small A cup breast
1 pound ground beef - organic or any woman's boobs could fall off if she eats it
1 large onion grated - large A cup to small B
olive oil - this would be a poor oil to use for love making, not that I would know, but it seems like sex would be the first think that would come to mind when you read the word oil
grated Parmesan cheese, about a handful?
oregano (this looks like weed so you will like it)
I also recommend you have a loaf of some sort of French or Italian or possibly Cuban bread. Does Cuba have a bread? They should, you should use your fame to make this happen.
I additionally recommend making my Greek Salad with this because it's really good with the stuffed tomatoes and the bread.
First, slice the tops off of the tomatoes and dig out the flesh of the tomatoes and put them in a bowl.
Is the word flesh wrong to use with you? I feel like you seem a little sexually charged, I don't want to overdue it with you.
Preheat the oven to 400.
Take a skillet and dump some olive oil in there with some garlic. Oh yeah, you need garlic. You seem like a man with means, I hope this doesn't throw you off too much.
Heat the pan on medium-low. This is very unusual for me to go low, not high, but it helps keep things soft and not over cook the meat.
Heat the garlic and oil and then add the grated onion. Saute these until the onion is very soft. Add some salt and pepper. Add some white pepper. I have no amounts for you, get wild.
Add the ground beef. Break the meat apart a lot. Don't let any big clumps get in there, it would be so embarrassing and would make it difficult for you to sing things about asking women to bend over and other such bold requests if you couldn't even brown meat properly. Right?
Take all the tomato flesh, sorry, insides, and put them in your Magic Bullet.
I'm assuming a man like you, rolling with JLo and Diddy, has one of these amazing devices.
Puree the tomato insides, but they don't have to be completely smooth.
A few lumps are nice. Right Pitbull?
As the meat is browning add some salt, pepper, white pepper, allspice, and oregano. Add a lot of oregano.
Do NOT smoke the oregano. It will not be as great as smoking weed.
Side note: Do you think that the fact that I have very small breasts would immediately eliminate me as a potential love interest for you? Does it help that I do in fact have some junk in my trunk? This is pure curiosity by the way, I'm quite happy with my current love interest.
I also think your need to wear shades all the time would be tough for me. We aren't well suited.
Anyway, after the meat has browned, add the tomato puree and stir it up.
That's a good title for a song, no? Stir It Up. Go with it. Maybe it sounds hotter in espanol?
Now let it simmer for a while so that some of the liquid goes away.
Oh. Let It Simmer For A While....clearly you might want to hire me to give you song titles.
Meanwhile, today while I was trying to wait out my three year old's fierce tantrum during his timeout, I was dodging pull-ups he was attempting to throw at me, but failing miserably because he has really horrible aim, I was wondering some things about you....
- I can't get over you talking about unsnapping bras with your teeth. My childhood dentist, Joe Forgey, told me that I should NEVER use my teeth to open anything. I can't imagine it would be a good idea to use your teeth on the wire of a bra hook. Please be careful!
- I notice you wear a suit a lot to perform, which is really hot. I don't understand how this works though because although aesthetically pleasing, it has got to make you sweaty, no?
- Have you considered remaking Will Smith's smash hit, Welcome To Miami? I love that.
- I noticed you have a Pitbull app that people can purchase to learn more about the making of you as a super star. I find this annoying, interesting and more annoying. An app? Really?
This would also be a good time to warm up your Cuban bread.
I like to serve this is a big bowl because I'm so awesome. (I too am coming out with a Leslie app, it's currently in the very early stages of development.) One tomatoes, a huge heap of Greek Salad and a few slices of bread with some red wine. The ladies will come running.
I'm guessing you need some help in that area since men in your occupation usually have a rough time with chicks.
Good luck! Keep rapping/singing and I'll keep shaking my booty...just probably really far away from you because your lyrics really make me think you are too dirty to shake around. I still love you though.