It seems I've upset you. I get the feeling you think I'm mean and that you don't like me. I even get the distinct impression that you believe I'm doing an extremely inadequate job in my role as your mother.
I mostly have extracted this information from your repetitious screams and cries of, "You're a mean Mommy! I don't like you! You're a bad Mommy!"
I'm a lot like Nancy Drew in my ability to figure these sorts of things out. A real cracker jack with the emotions. It's a gift really. Let's hope you inherit it along with my extra long colon. I'm giving you so much.
I would apologize for my lack of dedication and attention to detail in this job, but that's just not going to happen. I only apologize when I feel I've genuinely done something wrong and despite all of your very real emotions, I'm fairly confident I'm doing everything (perhaps in this moment alone) right.
This is going to be confusing and appear to be backwards, convoluted, like an episode of Lost, but I'm pissing you off so badly because I love you so much. I love you so much that I'm willing to listen to you scream and shout, throw things, and even try to hit me so that you have a really good shot of being a happy, non-asshole sort of person.
There is no way in hell I'm giving you the juice/treat/toy/freedom you are screaming for right now because I love you. You're welcome. I know it's confusing and it really frustrates you right now because you think that if you don't get that thing you are so desperate for in this moment that your head might explode, but it won't and you're going to be fine.
I'm making you a spectacular, non-head-exploding person. You really should be smiling.
See, if I didn't care whether or not someday you feel like you should just get things like...oh say, a place to live, food, transportation, or even friends, I'd go on and let you do whatever you damn well please and give you anything your heart desires.
(Yes, I realize that does sound really good, but it isn't. I told you this would be confusing.)
If I didn't care, I wouldn't sit here and listen to your not so nice words and put off doing a million and one things that I would like to do, because I want you to learn that you don't get to throw a fit and have things magically fall in to line for you. It's never going to work.
Sure, you could turn in to the person that screams at the 18 year old waitress for a wrong order or tries to beat up someone for taking your parking place, but those people suck. I really don't want you to suck.
I don't want you to be crushed, paralyzed with disappointment when you aren't handed an A on paper or a place on the team because you simply wanted them but didn't quite get the idea that you had to work really hard first. I want you to feel sad, a little let down, but never be so completely baffled by rejection that you can't persevere.
See, this here is a lesson. Isn't learning fun?
This morning it's just juice or a toy, but in a few years it'll be something bigger and you need to be ready. You need to know that if you speed and get a ticket, it's yours to deal with and definitely yours to pay. You'll want a job or a relationship and I want you to know you have to work hard for both, they don't just happen.
I can not describe how deeply unsatisfied you would feel for the next 80 or 90 years. How challenging it would be for you to feel happy and content with what you have and with the people around you if I just gave you what you want. Oh you would be miserable.
Contrary to all appearances currently, I really do want you to be happy.
I'm going to hold you accountable for your actions, intentional or not. I'm going to take away privileges when you refuse to help or cooperate. I'm going to expect you to do the right thing and make the right choices...and help you when you don't so you can learn from those mistakes by taking responsibility for them. I'm going to teach you respect for other people, patience with other people, and the importance of being kind.
Oh it is really important to be kind. It's very hard sometimes, but it is so much better than being angry.
I'm going to love you. I'm going to love you so much it's going to make you very, very upset.
You are welcome.
P.S. It would really help me if you would stop wiping your snot on the furniture, drooling on to the floor and knocking stuff down during these tantrums. Thanks a bunch!