Monday, May 2, 2011

Craig, I Am Really Starting To Hate Your Damn List

Aggression warning.  Craig has really been pissing me off.  I'm cussing and the whole deal.  It's like that today people.  It's like that.  And yes Mom and Dad, I agree that using this type of language degrades me as a person and the people I'm speaking to, showing lack of intelligence, but that's how fucking ridiculous this whole thing is. And in my defense, most of the people I'm speaking to in this post are that unintelligent.  Also, Kyle totally curses more than I do so you should focus all energy on making him better first. My deepest apologies.  Sort-of.

I don't know about you, but selling stuff on Craigslist is just way more of a pain in the ass than it used to be.  When I first started using it I felt like I had found a goldmine for getting rid of my useless crap and making a few bucks to buy new useless crap.  Now I find myself entrenched in drama beyond belief. 

I've thought about contacting Craig and seeing if he could address why his list basically blows now, but instead I think I'm just going to post the following disclaimer below all my future postings in an effort to weed out the crazies. 

These are all taken from personal experiences with real life people, not fucked up robots believe it or not, during actual Craigslist transactions. 

And yes, I realize I should just start donating all this stuff if I feel this frustrated....but I really want to pay for my playroom makeover and my Starbucks.  Oh and Target.  I can basically buy Target if I just stick to using Craigslist.


1.  If you do not show up to buy this item that you so desperately emailed me about, negotiated over, and made me rearrange my schedule so that you could have the time to come get it, I will hunt you down with a chainsaw, steal the agreed upon amount of money, tie you to a chair, and make you watch while I saw the piece of merchandise to pieces.  You can still have it though, I don't want to be unreasonable.

2. No. I can not put my three kids in the van and drive to meet you in South Austin so you can pay me $20 for an $800 rug or any other completely ridiculous labor intensive suggestion you have about me working my ass off for you to have a fantastic deal.  I don't need $20 that badly...and yes I realize this is contrary to the fact that I am selling used jeans on a website for $5.  Screw you.

3. No, I do not want to take a look at your 1989 used Mitsubishi Eclipse you are selling for $1000.  Do not ask me again.  Do not email me about it.  Do not happen to drive this car to the pick up of the item you are buying from me in hopes of trading me.  I'm going to guess it is just as much of a piece of shit as it looks, and my 2011 minivan, while not my first choice of car, is infinitely higher on my list of vehicles appropriate for me and my children right now. Thanks anyway.

4. No, I'm not interested in making a million dollars a week buying and selling other people's shit or even, believe it or not, entering into some sort of phone sex club.  I can barely handle the shit I want to get rid of, much less taking on other peoples stuff....and I hate talking on the phone, I can't imagine having to pretend to be all excited while talking to desperate and creepy men.  Forget it.*

5. If you live really far from me then don't buy my stuff.  I'm totally cool with not hearing you bitch about the cost of mileage in relation to the cost of the product.  That's something a lot of people would calculate before arranging and committing to the purchase.  I will stab you in the arm if you say anything close to the following to me. 

"Let's see.... $10 bouncy seat, minus 15 miles transportation costs at $.48 per mile equals $2.80.  Do you have change for a five?"

Fuck you.  Stab. Stab.

6.  No, I don't know of how to get you insurance so you can pay for your son's medical care since you are about to lose your coverage and have a baby and need to get your son back from your parent's house in another state.  Dammit I feel depressed about your situation but you need social services, and personal boundaries, and birth control, not a lady selling a stroller that you've never met. 

7. No, I can't hold the item for you over the weekend so you can cash your paycheck to pay for it, or sell your couch for the cash, or pay for gas to drive here.  You shouldn't have to sell something to buy a lamp or have this be the first thing you are buying with your paycheck.  Get off Craigslist and get to work.

8. No, you can not save my email so that we can talk more about your sad, sad, sad situation and be "friends."  I can not be sucked into your vortex of shit falling apart since we just met....on what is basically a garage sale online.

9. If you want to talk to me about your sex life you are going to have to meet all of the following criteria:  be a really witty storyteller, be very sarcastic, have a full set of teeth and combed hair, not be obese, and be purchasing something over the $100 mark.  Anything else and gross, yuck and ewwwww.

10. No, I am not going to ask all my friends if they have any other stuff to give to you for free for your baby.  Again, social services, personal boundaries, birth control.  Seriously, birth control.

11. No,  I will not take a check.  Nice try bitch.

*TOTAL LIE.  If I can make one million a week doing, almost anything legal (or mostly legal) sign me up.  Please contact me as soon as possible at


Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

That last one just made me choke on my corn chowder (no, not homemade) and have to chug an extra quart of milk to help me over the hump. You are gifted.

"Social services, personal boundaries and birth control" wants to be my next bumper sticker... you got something here, Leslie.

pezzoni1 said...

That is why I like freecycle - less bitching because the price is right. :)

L.A.C.E. said...

lol people are so damn cheap. Craiglist, Kijiji, Used (whereever) means deal, not steal. lol

Shannon Marie said...

So true, so true! I swear, it's like the State Fair shops on craigslist. I love the bumper sticker idea. Fuck you, stab. Hilarious!!

Theresa said...

OMG this kept my husband and I laughing for an hour. Love #10.

Prudently Painted Vintage said...

Lmao! Need I say more.

Nicki D said...

OMG!! I just stumbled upon your page a few minutes ago when surfing the net about fighting about roles.. hmmmph.. & OMFG, Im over here just LMAO!! I have vented so many times at the crap that comes with CL, and it is definitely a shared feeling among a lot of us that have used it for years!

You made me LAUGH! Thanks, I needed it~!

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

You're going to hell. You knew that tho.