Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I Might Make Really Good Greek Salad, It's A Recipe-Ish People

If you missed the first two weeks of my new series on Recipe-Ish.  You can check them out here.  Or here.  This isn't something where you have to read the first two to understand this one.  This isn't Twilight people, it's just dinner. 

I wrote this one to Amity because I love her.  I would marry her if I like women like that or could have an extra wife around here to hang out with me.  She gets me, I love her enthusiasm for trying to get her family to move all the time, her craftiness and her ability to sympathize with me over the most mundane and self-absorbed things that really bother me.  She rocks.

I wrote her a post on her birthday and you can read that here.

So, Amity doesn't eat meat because...I forget the reason actually.  I'm sure it has to do with Food Inc. or something like that because I think that film could make a vegetarian out of most people.  As could that gross video going around that shows the making of a chicken nugget. 

I did watch Food Inc, but was way too scared to watch the nugget video.  What the hell else would I feed my kids on desperate nights? I don't need extra guilt.  I come by plenty of it naturally.

Anyway, I told Amity I would send her the recipe for a simple Greek salad that basically sustains Alex and me when I don't want to cook.

Did she actually ask for this recipe?  Well, no. 

Is this really a recipe?  Probably not. 

Is this even a recipe-ish?  It's a bit of a stretch, but it's late and I'm pressing forward.

Did I subject her to a day of listening to me blabber on about all the ideas I have for decorating my house, my lack of money to buy a mini dress for a wedding I'm attending, and force her to pretend to be trapped in my children's booby trap about twenty times so that I didn't have to do it and by the time I asked her if I could write my recipe-ish to her she was willing to pretend to be interested in anything to get the hell out of here?  Yes, huge success.

Here's the message:
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I almost feel like it's insulting for me to send you instructions on how to make this.  Almost.

I feel pretty confident in my ability to make a fantastic Greek salad because I married a half Greek and with that comes certain rights and abilities.  One of those abilities is to make a good Greek salad.  One of the rights is to make it all the damn time because it is so easy and delicious. 

Another ability is to learn to ignore random, seemingly irrational loud talking that sounds like your husband might be fighting with you, but you don't really understand that an argument has started... probably because one hasn't, that's just how he talks when he gets fired up.  It's good times here.  Good. Times.

Since you don't eat meat I think this is going to be perfect for you.  If you should decide that you want to sprinkle it with bacon or cut up a hot dog and just mix it in, NO ONE will judge you. I'm just saying, bacon pretty much makes everything better so you might want to think really carefully before you completely scrap the idea. 

(Also, you can't tell me that the new Sonic commercials for the different varieties of hot dogs don't make you sort-of wish you could go buy one covered in sauerkraut- isn't that danish or close to it?  and gobble it down.  No?) 

Here's what you are going to need for the salad:

1 Cucumber - I use the mini cucumbers because my kids eat them more readily than normal cucumbers and they just tend to taste better.  But, if you want your salad to taste like a pile of poo then go ahead and get the normal ones.  

(Sidenote:  Did I ever tell you that when I was in the eighth grade there was a HORRIBLE rumour going around about this girl that stuck a cucumber up herself?  It went on for a long time and it was rough for her.  You know what was rough for me?  That I had no clue what anyone was talking about or why or where she would be sticking a cucumber.  Yep, those were innocent, pre-running to explicit lyrics days.  Poor girl.  I wonder if it was true?)

Ok, so get a cucumber!
1 tomato - this is tough because store bought tomatoes really blow.  I've been using grape tomatoes this winter, in which case you need about a cup of them, sliced in half.  You could keep them whole, but then they roll a lot and that's rough eating.  You don't want rough eating do you? 

This is not going well.

Starting over.

One cucumber or two baby cucumbers, sliced
One diced tomato or one cup grape tomatoes sliced in half
One avocado, diced
1/4 a medium red Onion, diced
1/4 cup Olive Oil (Greek or die)
1/4 cup Crumbled Feta
1/4 cup* Red Wine vinegar
1/4 cup* Oregano
1/4 cup* Salt
1/4 cup* Pepper

*these are fictious amounts because I liked how streamlined things were looking.  If you put 1/4 cup of any of these things in the salad it will be a nasty, granular mess.  Don't do it...unless you want to of course.  It's just a recipe-ish and you bought the food so do with it as you please.

So, I also don't really know how much red onion.  What's medium? I don't know, but all the recipes I read have things like large or small onion listed with absolutely nothing to gauge what large or small actually means, so I thought I could do it too. 

There should be some reference to inches or at least comparisons to common fruits or rodents or something.  Like 1/4 medium (size of average mouse) onion.  Wouldn't that be more helpful?  I am totally writing a cook book.

So, slice the cucumbers.  You can take the skin off if you really want to, but I have this Facebook friend that puts healthy living facts in his status updates (thank you Peter Strack) - he also used to love the smell of my perfume and would smell me all the time, which sounds weird but it was really sweet and I wish someone wanted to smell me now, but I live in Texas now and I perspire for 80% of the year and usually smell like baby spit up, dirty diapers or feet so my perfume doesn't stand a fighting chance. I miss you Peter.  We also went to nursery school together.  

Yes, these are important facts for the recipe!

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, Peter's status update once stated that leaving the skin on the cucumber is really healthy because it contains almost all the vitamins you need in a day.   Seriuos stuff.  So, peel if you must, it's your crappy health, but I suggest leaving it on. Peter and I both recommend it.

After you slice the cucumbers, put them in a bowl.  You could also use a box or a baking dish, but that would be weird, just get a bowl Amity.

Add the diced tomato or sliced grape tomatoes.

Add the diced red onion - go light on this at first. It can give you heart burn for hours and you are really cranky when you are in pain.  Poor Philip shouldn't have to contend with that.

Add the avocado (confession, this isn't usually in a greek salad in Greece, but personally I think it should be and I plan on petitioning this next time I go, if I have learned Greek by then, also if I have learned to smoke by then because I want to look like I fit in and everyone there smokes all the time.  Everywhere.  Seriously, how have their people endured all these years?)

Add some crumbled feta - this might surprise you, but I don't know how much I add of that exactly either, just start with 1/4 a cup and build from there. 

Pour some olive oil in - can you guess what I'm going to say?  No clue how much, just pour so there is a little pool at the bottom of the bowl.

Dash of red wine vinegar. Ok, couple dashes, but not too more than two.

Couple pinches of oregano. (Extra points if your father in law brings this back to you from Greece.)

Sprinkle some salt - I use sea salt because I like the sea

Sprinkle some coarse ground pepper.  (Extra points if you use a broken pepper grinder from Costco like me because they are the coolest.)

Now mix.

WA - FREAKIN - LA.

That was supposed to be like saying Voila!  Not Washington to Los Angeles or anything.  Anyone else feel like the wa-freakin-la thing sounded very Kit from Pretty Woman?  She's a gem.

Now, I usually buy frozen mini loaves of rosemary bread, spread olive oil on the top, sprinkle with sea salt (go sea!) and then bake them to serve with this becaue I am AMAZING!  But you could just serve this with anyting I guess.  What, am I supposed to do?  Give you all the ideas?

That literally is our whole meal. Rosemary bread or french bread and greek salad.  It's divine and  I feel like I could eat it every night....but I won't because I would quickly start to hate it and I am smart enough to know that.
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 That's it people.  Make it. Make it often.

Confession:  Throughout this post I spelled tomato, tomatoe....isn't that a little embarrassing?

Also a little endearing too though, right?  How cute am I that I misspell words? 

I know that's not cute, it's late though and I can't seem to stop typing. 

Check out this picture of Stella with a box on her head. 


Funny, right?

8 comments:

Sara @ Life With the Two said...

I'm beginning to think that every school has that "one girl" who did naughty things with food. Although, at our school, it wasn't a cucumber, it was a hot dog, and apparently it got stuck and she had to go to the hospital for removal.

Also, I love the "recipe-ish" posts. Love me some Greek salad, but no one else around here does. They all suck.

Cheryl said...

It's pretty freakin amazing that you can make a recipe funny. You should totally write a cook book. I'd buy it. ;)

-dweej said...

I'd buy your cookbook too, and I don't even cook! At least not well. I leave that to the hubs. Oh my god, I was laughing my way through this whole post! Hah!

yippiemom said...

Leslie, Leslie, Leslie, you know we had to become vegetarians to save the world. It was easier than giving up my station wagon. I always hated having to touch raw chicken so all I had to do was connect it to a political cause and Philip was all over it. Life is so much easier now that all I have to do is slice and dice a few veggies. Vegetarianism rules and so does your Greek salad!

the workaholic momma said...

Stopping by from amanda's bloggy party - I absolutely LOVE greek salad - and get take-out from a dive up the road that has amazing greek salads about once a week! I'm def going to have to try this recipe - you may have just put some $$ back in my pocket - thanks so much for sharing. Have a great weekend!

Leah said...

Clearly, Stella is of utmost relevance to this post. Thanks for always making me laugh!

Visiting from Serenity Now.

Leah said...

Also...THANK YOU for making commenting so easy and not making me log into my email 6 times or type GNOK7 25 times.

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

YUM!!! I need to do more salads at home. Thanks for sharing the recipe. :) Thank you for your mention of nuggets and guilt. I haven't seen the video, but I have watched Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution...but nuggets are a basic food group for my 3 year old. I have extreme guilt over this!! :s