Tuesday, April 19, 2011

How My Husband Tried to Kill Me: Don't Worry, It Didn't Work

Last night I was having some trouble sleeping.  Nothing traumatic, Cole had been up a few times crying and Aiden was scared so I had been up a few times with them.  I also just started the third Steig Larson book and it keeps my mind spinning for a while after I put the book down.  I love books like that, love being consumed by the story.

Anyway, as I was lying on my back, trying to make my mind calm down, Alex turns over, picks up a pillow in both hands and puts it down very deliberately on my face.  He even held it there for a moment. 

Umm.  Was that a smother attempt?  Doesn't that only happen on TV?


He didn't even roll over.

"You just tried to kill me." 

(I was not being dramatic at all, and my assumption that this was a murder plot had nothing to do with me reading that book filled with approximately 10 dead people by page 65.)


Really, that was his reaction.  Attempted murder and all he has is, "hmpf."  

When I confronted him this morning about his "attack," he laughed.  He assumed I was just being funny.  (In his defense, I am usually hysterical all the time and super fun to be married to, so what is he to think?  At least, that's how I'm justifying his callous attitude about trying to kill me.)

It wasn't like he just threw the pillow and it landed on my face.  He picked it up and placed it on my face like he had a plan that he quickly aborted, probably realizing he would just have to raise all three kids alone and there isn't that much money on me in our life insurance policy.  I'm not that annoying, I do iron his shirts.

Actually, I am pretty sure he was asleep during the incident. It was more like a subconscious attempt to take my life, probably stemming from the fact that he had seen three huge boxes by our front door and I hadn't had the chance to explain to him that they were actually maternity clothes being returned from my sister-in-law, not purchases I made online.  Nothing angers Alex like frivilous shopping. 

(Note: all shopping is frivilous unless it includes stereo equipment, something advancing our children's skills at a sport, or lingerie.  Lingerie is always on the free to purchase list.  Unfortunately, my attempt to pass off things like adorable tanks as sexy sleep shirts or jeans as something a stripper would wear, have failed miserably.)

So, Alex has disturbed sleep.  I think the proper, medical diagnosis is crazy sleeper.  (See, I'm capable of creating medical terminology. You can too!) Alex talks in his sleep.  He jerks his arms and legs.  He jumps up and yells, convinced there are snakes or spiders or mice in the bed.  It's good times.

In our first apartment we had a large oval mirror over the head of our bed.  (Not over our bed, that's way more interesting than we are.  It hung on the wall at the head of our bed.)  One morning I woke up and Alex was staring at me.  He whispered, "I did something strange last night."

That statement alone scared the crap out of me...and why was he whispering?  I can only assume he was trying to add to the creepy factor. We hadn't been married that long, anything was possible.  My mind immediately raced through all the Oprah's I had watched about double lives and freaky things people found out about their husbands after marriage.  I didn't think he was gay, already married or actually a woman so I had no clue what was going on here.

(Sidenote:  I kissed Alex when he came home from work one day a few months after our wedding.  I pulled back and said, "You smell like smoke."  To which he replied, "Yeah, I smoke at work."  Good to know.  Good to know HUSBAND!  I have got to start paying closer attention to things.)

Anyway, he pointed to the large mirror which was now sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. I looked up where the mirror had been and there was only a large black mark where it looked like something had scraped down the wall. I got up and looked at the mirror and the hanging wire on the back of the mirror was broken.

He quickly explained that in the middle of the night he woke up and was holding the mirror by the bottom edge, the mirror standing upright in his hands.  The mirror was probably 4'x2' and really heavy. He was still under the covers when he woke up and he had no memory of how it got into his hands. 

I believe that was actually the first attempt on my life. 

He's had a ton of other instances during sleep.  I've stayed awake after he goes to bed and have heard him saying, "shhhh" to no one and moving around the room.  He's ripped off our covers, convinced we are being attacked and actually swung at the air.  If it didn't scare me to death it would hilarious.

He has some really interesting conversations, usually about work, but not things he would really say at work....though I'm just guessing he usually doesn't curse about donuts to people at work, but I could be wrong.  Apparently he was smoking at work for over a year and I had no idea.  I'm clearly not in the know for the work life.  Maybe donuts are actually a large part of his work life?

So, I'm really writing this more as evidence if I suddenly die of "natural causes" during the night or anything like that.  I'm also writing this so Alex knows that if I am smothered in my sleep I fully intend to come back and haunt him with all sorts of ridiculous charges on his credit card. 

I'm pretty sure I'm safe, but I did buy a really pretty dress today and Alex had a rough day at work...not a recipe for sleeping success tonight.

Remember how great it was that we had separate beds on our getaway?  It probably saved my life.


pezzoni1 said...

Hubby has "attacked" me in his sleep before. Luckily, he wakes up when I shriek at him, "It's just me! It's your wife!" :)

Laurie said...

Night terrors! Luckily Colin told me about his before we slept in the same bed together. Now I just tell him, "your asleep." He gets so frustrated when I have no idea what he's trying to tell me about electrical outlets and how he needs me to get him a screwdriver and I'm just not cooperating. :/

My funniest one was him thinking there were lobsters in the bed. He jumps up and says, "there, right there is a lobster!" as he's pointing at the cat all snuggled up at the foot of the bed. He took the covers and was trying to scoot her off. Damn Lobsters! Poor Kitty and sleepy wife...

Pink Stitches said...

Lol Leslie you crack me up! I thoroughly enjoyed this post and I am your newest follower :-) don't forget to enter my giveawaaaaay!!! xoxo Bonnie

-dweej said...

Ugh! I hate when funny stuff gets lost in the mess and I MISS IT. I am two whole days late on this one.

Love the smoking thing (HUSBAND!) Haha!

lcarp51 said...

When we first got married, my husband did stuff like this. The only time it scared me was when he thought he heard a burglar in our house. He grabbed the gun from under the bed, (I had NO idea it was there.) jumped over me and started for the front door. It was funny until I realized the next time he could be dreaming I was cheating on him or something...Thankfully he's gotten over that. Plus he's attached to a CPAP machine now. That would be freakin' hilarious to see him jump out of bed with that on.

Deveny said...

hahaha, that' hilarious (although slightly creepy). My hubby sometimes wakes me up laughing in his sleep. Scares the crap out of me.

Marnie said...

You are a crack up! I'm your newest follower.
x Marnie

Anonymous said...

Your husband likely has REM sleep behavior disorder. He may get Parkinson's Disease later on. He needs to see a neurologist. You need your own room with a lock on the door.

Chelsea Brauwn said...

I am searching for answers right now! Last night my husband did this exact thing! In his sleep, he deliberately placed the pillow over my face and wouldn't let up until I slapped him and said "Joel! Wake up, now! You just tried to smother me! This is NOT okay." All he said was, "Okay." before laying back down and going to sleep. My husband has "attacked" me before in his sleep and has NO recollection of it whatsoever! It does seem to be getting worse though, he has punched me in the forehead, bit me, pulled my hair, held me down in my sleep, etc. Just last week I was still awake texting a friend when all of a sudden, he sat up, grabbed my leg and literally started biting on it! It was hilarious after ward when I told him about it since he doesn't remember but now after last night, I am totally FREAKED OUT. Especially since right now I am pregnant. We have both already agreed that our 1.5 year old can not sleep with us anymore. But I need to know what we can do to stop this or get him some help!!!

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brenda wilson said...

My husband is on drugs bad! He is in jail right now they said maybe only 6 months. The night before court I woke up to him spraying stuff in my face! I'm trying to see if he has a life insurance policy on me. How so I go about doing that. . Please please help me. Brenda wilson in brandon mas. 6015407175

brenda wilson said...

Sorry brandon Mississippi


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murray bruce said...

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Dro Alex said...

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Jack Morgan said...

My Names is Monique Curry ,AM from United states .i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa June 15th on a business summit i meet a man called Dr ADAGBA, is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love s gone misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job i m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 4weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 7 year i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try and in 6 days when i returned to taxes my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married i didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help his email address: adagbaspiritualtemple@gmail.com OR adagbaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com you can also call or whatsapp him via +2349057354407 or website;http://adagbaspiritualtem9.wixsite.com/mysite

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BEURY said...

My mouth is full of testimonies, my husband left home for two years to south Africa for a tourist, where he meant this prostitute and he was bewitch by the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a news paper about a powerful spell caster called Dr Dr,UZOYA and i contacted the spell caster to help me get my lover back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my lover back to me. and he did in less than 2 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband. his email are; [driraborspellcaster@gmail.com] or u can give him a call on +13019098775

Jessical Alba said...

Appreciation is the key to doing more that is why I have took some
time out to thank some one who cured me of my 2 years HEPATITIS B
problem. It became a major problem to me as it was affecting my
marital life and I was no longer comfortable so I decided to look for
a solution and I came across a post of Dr willaims and how he has been
helping people of the same problem I contacted him and told him all I
have been facing in my life. He told me how to get his product and how
to take it after every thing I find out that all was now okay with me
and that my HEPATITIS B problem was gone that is why I have come out
today to say thank you to him . his email address drwilliams098765@gmail.com for advice and for his product

Bela Natasha said...

Hello Wonderful Viewers Join me give thanks to Dr Sunshine for his Divine help on my life. 3 years ago i was diagnosed of Genital Herpes, and ever since i have been looking for a remedy on how to eradicate my disease. so i went in search for a cure and behold i came in contact with my famous Dr Sunshine who has cured people of their Genital Herpes, i was so glad that finally i can be cured from this disturbing disease and so i contacted his email adrress: dr.sunshineherbalhome@gmail.com call or whatsApp +2349051208634 and when i did email him he wrote to me and give me a brief instruction on how to get my medicine prepared and so he did he prepare my medicine and sent to me to receive and told me that in 2 weeks i will see his great work.i beckoned on his words and so he did.i received my medicine and i used it in 2 weeks and i was totally cured. contact him today and be cured. So friends my advise is if you have such sickness disease, HERPES CURE OR CANCER OR HIV&AIDS, PENIS ENLARGEMENT,ASTHMA.

smith campbel said...

I have been following this blog for a while now and today i decided to share my tinnitus story to encourage someone out there. I suffered from terrible tinnitus for 9 years after a constant exposure to loud noise. These noise sounded like a car horn in my right ear and grew worse at night when everywhere was calm and quiet, i lacked sleep and this ruined my psychological life. I had no idea the sound was damaging my hearing until it was too late and i had partial deafness, i had a constant ringing in my ear which always makes me feel like taking my own life. I tried so many drugs even B-vitamin supplements, especially B-5, visited so many audiologist, mnemonics and all was to no avail. I have not seen my ex for a long while and when we bumped into each other she knew i was not okay and i had to tell her all i was facing. She felt so sad but told me there is a cure which let me in amazement. That was when she told me about Dr. lewishill herbal medicine which gives a permanent relief to tinnitus symptoms and cures it. Lord know i needed help so i got the medicine and used it, that was when i met a breakthrough, i am perfectly okay now and i sleep calm without any stress and i hear clearly now. You too can get cured just contact him on (drlewishill247@gmail. com) for advise and how to get the medicine. Thanks

Mr Peter said...

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Antonio levis said...

HELLO everybody am from New Zealand I wanna thank the great DR ABOR for curing me from herpes virus and hiv with the help of his herbal medicine am very happy, I never thought I would ever be cured because of the condition the doctor give to me, until a friend of mine direct me to this man called DR ABOR who healed me totally from herpes virus and hiv, he is a good man and he also cast spell, you can reach him with IRABORSPELLHERBALHOME@GMAIL.COM
and he also cure HEPATITIS A B C
he also cast spell to get your EX BACK
you can reach him on via IRABORSPELLHERBALHOME@GMAIL.COM OR WHATSAPP +393512728432

caroldean said...

i was having this deadly disease for months i tried everything
within my power to get rid of this illness all to no avail not
until i came across a post from a forum about this great Doctor
that heals people with herbal med( herbs),i cant say much but
my heart is filled with gratitude and appreciation,
please if you are suffering from herpes or any other STD
kindly contact DR Aloha and be rest assured that you will
get the solution you seek.herbs cure herpes contact
Dr Aloha through his email Alohaherbalhome@gmail.com

Unknown said...

I have had two myomectomy, abdominal in 05/2012 and laparoscopy in 02/2014. I have never been pregnant; not to my knowing. I’m feeling hopeless and the fibroids are growing again. Doctor said that it look like I may need another myomectomy. I know that I have a fibroid the size of a goose egg(6cm).so i was online looking for help when i saw a post about this dr buba who has helped many with root ans herbs so i wrote to him he gave me some advice and told me what to do which i did then he sent a bottle of a herbal drug to me through DHL which i used for seven days and today i am cured already all thanks to him if you
are in my shoes or have any related sickness

eunice mabel said...


This is real take it serious, i am eunice mabel, i am from ireland. Who will believe that a herbal medicine can cure herpes, i never believe that this will work, i have spend a lot money getting drugs from the hospital to keep me and my son healthy, it got to a point that i was waiting for a death to come because i was broke, one day i hard about this great man called Dr Ihibor who is well know for Herpes, HIV, and Cancer cure, i decided to email him I didn't believe him that much, I just wanted to give him a try, he replied my mail and Needed some Information about me, then I sent them to him, he prepared a herbal medicine (CURE) and, he gave my details to the Courier Office. they told me that 4-8 days I will receive the package and after receiving it, i took the medicine as prescribed by him at the end of the two weeks, he told me to go to the hospital for a check up, and i went, surprisingly after the test the doctor confirm me Herpes simplex virus negative, and my son an i thought it was a joking, i went to other hospital and was also negative, thank you for saving our life's, I promise I will always testify of your good works. if you are herpes simplex virus patient, contact him and I am sure you will get cured, contact him via: drihiborherbalhome@gmail.com call here or whatssap him on +2349050141449 thanks everybody for your time of reading.

. HSV 1 & HSV 2 CURE

Abdul Saheed said...

Good-news my viewers i am Rashid Ahmed, am from Dubai, Me and my entire family has been suffering for hepatitis B from birth, We have gone to all the hospitals and there wasn't any solution even our family DR confirm it to us that there is no cure for this disease but can only be control even my first child is Hepatitis B positive, till this day a friend of mine told me about this Dr Akuna who have help her to get rid of this incurable disease name Hepatitis B, That was how i give it aa try, to my fullest surprise me and my entire families are now Negative of Hepatitis B even it was a surprise to my scientist Dr who graduated with PhD here in Dubai, he now direct all his Hepatitis B positive patient to this wonderful Dr Akuna who cured all diseases with herbal medicine, don't be left out contact him if you are diagnose with this same disease, after be cured he told me that he cured all manners of diseases,i am sharing this testimony both in internet and everywhere so that people who are diagnosed with kind of diseases should contact Dr Akuna via email:drakunasolutiontemple@gmail.com or visit his websites:http://drakunasolutiontem.wixsite.com/dr-akuna or what app his Mobile:+2348154625070

Unknown said...


My name is Mrs Lisa Willard am out here to testify about how Dr Adaghe cured my (HERPES SIMPLEX VIRUS) i visited different hospital but they gave me list of drugs which were expensive to treat the virus but to no avail. I was browsing through the Internet searching for remedy on HERPES and i saw comment of people talking about how Dr Adaghe them. when i contacted him he gave me hope and send a Herbal medicine to me which i first thought wont solve anything but later i gave it a try and it seriously worked, my HERPES result came out negative. I am so happy as i am sharing this testimony. My advice to you all who thinks that their is no cure for herpes and also no genuine spell caster that is Not true just contact him and get cured today Dr Adaghe spell shrine can cure all kinds of sickness.Remember delay in treatment leads to death email him @ {doctoradaghebalhome@gmail.com}.

EMAIL HIM TODAY @ doctoradaghebalhome@gmail.com


Dr. Ogudugu bietet den besten und besten Service im Zusammenhang mit Liebe Zauber, Feind Zauber, Schutz Zauber, Kind Geburt. Ich komme aus Nigeria. Ich mache diese Zauber aus den vergangenen 25 Jahren. Ich gebe 100% sicheres Ergebnis. Meine Zauber sind sehr mächtig und für sofortiges Ergebnis. Ich bin nicht gefälscht und ich kann dir Ergebnis durch meine Kräfte geben. Meine Kräfte zeigen dir das sofortige Ergebnis. Wenn Sie irgendwelche Probleme im Leben wie Liebe Problem, Schönheit Problem, Kind Geburtsproblem dann kontaktieren Sie mich einmal. Ich bin die Person, die dir den richtigen Rat geben kann. Ich werde dein Problem mit meinem Gott konsultieren und dir so schnell wie möglich antworten. Es gibt nichts, was ich nicht durch meine Kräfte lösen kann. Ich tue dies für die richtige Ursache, ich benutze dies für Server-Leute. Meine Kräfte sind nicht für gefälschte Leute oder für Betrüger.

Kontaktiere mich -
E-Mail: greatogudugu@gmail.com
Webseite: http://greatdrogudugusolutiontemple.webs.com/
Telefonnummer: +2348055304321
WhatsApp Nr .: +2348055304321

helen said...

My problem with herpes has caused me many traumas,especially in my sex life.I was so afraid of infecting my boyfriend, I suffered the embarrassment of visiting dermatologists queries hundreds of times.Unfortunately,they did not find a definitive solution to my problem.The solution came from the least expected place. By reading in a specialized forum on the subject,mentioned a method for eliminating herpes. Many people had tried, with excellent and quick results.I had nothing to lose so I decided to use this method to eliminate my herpes. spent six weeks using this method and my herpes completely disappeared. I recommend this method to all people who want to eliminate the herpes from their body forever,contact Alohaherbalhome@gmail.com

Maria Cooker said...

Email Dr. OCUSODO for a strong love spell to get back your ex back

drocusodospellcaster@yahoo.com My name is Maria Cooker and I live in USA, My life is back again... After 2 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with kids .I felt like my life was about to end and I almost committed suicide, I was emotionally down for a very long time.Thanks to a spell caster called dr. ocusodo, his email address: drocusodospellcaster@gmail.com which I meet online, On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet and I came across a lot of testimonies about this particular spell caster.Some people testified that he brought their Ex boyfriend back, some testified that he restores Womb,Cure Cancer and Herpes Virus and HIV Cure other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. I also come across one particular testimony and it was about a woman called Linda Brown,she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 24hours and at the end of her testimony she dropped Dr. ocusodo email address: drocusodospellcaster@gmail.com After reading all these,I decided to give it a try and I contacted him through his via email and explained my problem to him. In just 24 hours, my husband came back to me, and we solved our issues, we are even happier than before Dr. ocusodo is really a gifted man and I will not stop testifying him because he is a wonderful man and so powerful, If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems. contact him on this email: drocusodospellcaster@yahoo.com or add him up on what-app +2349067457724