Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Martyr Mommy

I've been in one of the phases of my least favorite self.  I've been feeling a lot of Martyr Mommy.  Ugh.

She's so not appealing. She's a whiny, unproductive mess. She feels frustrated and sad and sorry for herself while simultaneously alienating those that could make her feel better.  She should be shaken, or hit with something heavy or maybe even spiky. 

Cole should be involved in picking the object to hit her.  (He's good with that sort of thing.)

I  want nothing to do with this person and I'm pretty sure Alex has some definite problems with her.  She blames him unnecessarily for most things and almost never puts out...but she sure is tough to lose sometimes. 

She also usually has one, maybe two, valid points amongst her rants...but is far too annoying for any one to notice, much less care.

I think her arrival started last week.  Alex had a string of work related things going on, which is nothing unusual.  I think they were just a series of semi-exciting occurrences that, to Martyr Mommy, sounded like a fabulous life while she was stuck at home.  She couldn't even sit down to eat lunch because of the kids' list of demands and he was out being waited on and having the opportunity to talk uninterrupted.

Bastard. (Totally Martyr Mommy talking, not me.  I'm too nice for that.)

(Full disclosure I think he went to a hamburger place in south Austin, but it sounded oh so nice when he mentioned it like it was no big thing while he returned the uneaten lunch Martyr Mommy had carefully packed that morning.  Martyr Mommy, on the other hand had eaten a lunch of peanut butter and honey sandwich crust - not even a full sandwich - and a mini apple that Cole had started eating and then decided it looked gross. )

Alex took Friday off work to leave for a bachelor party at the beach all weekend and even Martyr Mommy honestly didn't begrudge him going.  (Much) He deserved a break from work and some quality time with his friends.  She wanted him to have fun. Really she did. (She realizes this could be read with sarcasm but did truly want him to go and enjoy himself.)

The problem?  She wanted to have fun too, and in seeing him go off to have fun, decided that she would NEVER HAVE A GOOD TIME AGAIN!  Totally reasonable conclusion.

The weekend was actually fine. The kids were fine, but Martyr Mommy persisted. By yesterday she was convinced that she will never spend a night away from Stella, never have another dinner unless planned and cooked by her, and that the entire house would implode if she stopped working her ass off everyday to ward off that event. Again, totally reasonable.

She has yet to ask for help with anything though and prefers to mumble curse words under her breath as she storms around and picks up tiny plastic soldiers, her husband's sweatshirts and every one's cups....why the hell is everyone drinking so much around here?  Why isn't she drinking more around here? 

(There is some allegedly delicious coffee flavored tequila just sitting unopened in a cabinet in the kitchen.  Martyr Mommy even thought about cracking it open solo on Saturday night, but didn't feel fun enough for that.  Martyr Mommy does not participate in joyful events on the principle that, well it's just too joyful.)

She's feeling under appreciated and desperately wants a break.  Really wants a break.  She wants to do something that doesn't involve any of her children.  She wants to sit and write without Cole climbing into her lap or singing songs about growing his penis...because it's really difficult to write when someone is making up a song that horrible, funny and just strange. She wants to be taken out without her having to make a million arrangements about what to do with and feed the kids.

She wants to discuss thoughts and ideas and have some one be excited about something she has to say or about something she is doing.  Yesterday she told Aiden that the newspaper was coming this week to take photos of Mommy for the newspaper and she really might as well have talked to him about the crisis in Libya, he could not have cared less about what she was saying, or her excitement.  She wants someone to be excited about her. She wanted a "way to go" or a "you're really working hard!"  But...she got nothin', because that's sort of how it goes with kids and this shouldn't bother her but sometimes it just does and I am personally trying to explain to her that this is RIDICULOUS beyond words, immature, selfish, etc.....

So, she knows that she should ask for what she needs instead of storming around...but sometimes storming around is all she can do.  She can't form the sentences to say what she needs because she feels weak.  She feels like a big, huge fat whiner.  Ultimately though, she's afraid that she might be turned down and then things would just be all that much worse.

I told you Martyr Mommy sucked. A giant unproductive, irrational, sucky mess.

Because all this gets her nowhere....nowhere fast.  These feeelings feed on themselves and unless she simply tells her self to suck it up and either ask for help where it can be had or put on a smile and plow on through, things are going to always suck.  Deciding that she's not appreciated or helped or WHATEVER basically means she just decided she's going to be unhappy....unless she opens her mouth and says, "hey family, I feel overwhelmed and I sure could use some help. Hey husband, I really need a couple hours for me, when can we make that happen?"  

That will make things better.  There is no way she will be told no.  (Ok, Aiden and Cole will definitely tell her no but fortunately they don't count in any sort of what are we doing vote here.) There is no way she will be allowed to continue to whine and mumble her sadness around while cleaning if she just opens her mouth and talks. Then I can come back and Martyr Mommy can hit the road and come back the next time I feel really beat, because I hate her and sometimes I need to be reminded about what I really don't want to slip back into. 

I don't want her around. 

I'm off to talk to Alex for her so we can get this happy thing moving forward.

Goodbye Martyr Mommy.

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Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

You wrote about that aspect of my character better than I ever did and that tells me I need to get better at digging my Martyr Mom out of her ditch too.

Thanks, you have done a great thing here today.

Joy! said...

I am pitifully unversed in asking for help too, and need to stomp around and mutter under my breath first before I feel at liberty to say - I need something for me, please and thanks. And sometimes I just zone out and as long as no one is crying, I figure they'll survive.

Reis said...

thank you