Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Don't Worry Charlie Sheen, I Understand

If you haven’t heard about all the latest happenings with Charlie Sheen then you are living under a rock.

(I’m going to rule out that you are perhaps more classy than I am and have avoided such trashy topics as this because I feel it’s better for my self-esteem.)

In case you haven’t heard though, Charlie Sheen is being labeled as, “crazy,” “dangerous to himself,” “without morals,” and a whole slew of other things, depending on how much he decided he should blab on and on in public that day. Seriously, why does he keep talking?


Regardless, it appears that Charlie has a few things going on right now that are a bit off. The fact that there is a warlock speaking out against Charlie because he feels Charlie has wronged the entire male witch community with some of his rants….well that just speaks volumes. Like I said, things are a bit off.

I had been thinking the whole situation was just one big depressing train wreck that we just can’t take our eyes off of, and basically Charlie Sheen was going down….until I watched his 20/20 interview. Now, I’m not going to go so far as to say I agree with Charlie Sheen, but I’m not going lie…I felt a little bit of a connection to him last night.

No, I don’t fancy prostitutes. I don’t take drugs of any kind….though neither does Charlie anymore.

(I totally believe him. Seriously. It’s like he said, he’s just taking the Charlie Sheen drug, and our face would melt off if we took it because we can’t handle it. He must be telling the truth.)

We are also radically different in that there is also no way I am waking up at 5:30 to work out like he did. I do believe it takes a special kind of mental illness to make people do that, and I haven’t been infected yet. I only wake up at 5:30 for crying children.

Here’s the thing though, there were several times that I thought…”yeah, I get you Charlie Sheen. I don’t want to step within 50 feet of you, but I totally get you.”

Let me explain.

First, Charlie now has two live in girlfriends. You know, the "Goddesses." Now, I am pretty firmly against this for him with his two little boys there, especially since one of them is a porn star, but in general, , I think that sounds very helpful. If I could have even one girlfriend live with me, we would have a much more efficient, less stressful house. I bet if Amity lived with me she would totally help cook and clean, help take care of the kids, fold laundry, etc. It sounds sort of great. Smart move Charlie, just please look for people with a less scandalous occupation.  Know any good graphic designers or preschool teachers?

Did you know that Charlie calls his house, “Silver Valley Lodge?” I mean, first, I love that he named his house. My kids would thoroughly enjoy that. They would probably prefer that it had the word, “toot” or “poop” in it, but they would like that. Second, my bedroom door has a very similar name, “Silver Saddle Hotel and Bath House.” (See photo below. Long story.)



See, he’s not so crazy. I’m not so crazy. I swear.

At one point he pointed out that if someone could borrow his brain for five minutes, they wouldn’t be able to handle it. They would have to give it back. I think there is honestly a good chance I have said this exact statement, at one of my mothering low points, to Alex when ranting to him about another mom's perception that she could actually handle our kids for five minutes better than I could. It’s rough when someone is questioning your judgment, and that happens to me a lot these days.

See, I feel you Charlie.

I love that he believes his kids will, “wake up one day and realize how cool Dad is and that he signs all the checks. We need him, his wisdom, and his bitchiness.” Except for the signing the checks part, I share this same dream. For my children to one day believe they need my bitchiness, I will have succeeded as a mother.  I already believe my children think I'm really cool though, of course.

Charlie thinks his family is magic. That doesn’t sound so bad. I wish I could use magic on my family. I think it would be convenient and actually helpful to have a little magic in my family. If my children could be “magically” incapable of whining or peeing their pants, I think my life would be as good as Charlie thinks his life is right now. Maybe those warlocks could help?

I was a little alarmed when the psychiatrist was on at the end of the interview though. As he was reading the list of common qualities of bi-polar disorder I was very uncomfortable.

Chronic mood-disorder- check.

Agitation - check.

Arrogance - I think I'm safe....unless it counts as arrogance to think you are the greatest mother to have EVER lived.

A sense of special powers - I have three children under five that I keep alive, well and happy EVERY day. I am freakin' amazing....some might say, supernatural.

I don't know about you Charlie Sheen, but I think I might have just been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder by this guy on tv.  

Seriously, where are the warlocks when you need them?

Good luck Charlie Sheen. I'm rooting for you. 

Seriously, 50 feet though.  You still creep me out.

8 comments:

aggiemommy said...

You never cease to make me laugh!! LMAO! Thanks!!

Marty said...

Hilarious, and something great to read this morning. Thanks!

Patricia said...

That was me, not my hubby. Sorry :)

thesisterhoodofspiritualsinglemoms said...

Very funny! I can't help but root for him too. I wish they would keep filming Two and a Half Men. His character is pretty much him, I don't see the problem!

Sue said...

Great post! I was in tears reading this I was laughing so hard! Who's WINNING now?! Huh, Charlie?!

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

Winning!!!!!!!

Jen said...

Just stumbled upon your post because I was searching for whether or not it was common to pee your pants while you're running. If you and I are to be believed, the answer is YES.
At any rate, I feel the same about Charlie Sheen. I thought he was a nutjob whacko until I watched this same show. He really made sense to me...maybe I'm crazy? I'm still cheering for him, but only on the days that I'm not overly agitated.

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